Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I guess we will just keep waiting.  I don't know what I was really expecting to happen this time around, or why I thought it would be any different.  The test first thing this morning was negative, and then an hour later, I got confirmation.  I called the nurse to let her know and her response was, "Well we will have you rest this month to give your ovaries a break, but I just want to let you know that so many of our couples get pregnant on their rest month."  She then proceeded to say, "I don't know you very well, but if I were you, I would party and have fun on New Year's Eve, because that's when so many people get pregnant!"  Really?  Like I get she was trying to be fun and upbeat, but it really wasn't helping.  I went ahead and ordered the medicine again for another round of IUI, because I wanted to order it before the year is over so it can go under this insurance with the deductible.  However, I'm not sure if we will try an IUI again.  It is such a challenging month on all the injections, and having the appointments at the spur of the moment, and it takes such an emotional and physical toll on both of us.  We got so excited this month, and felt so happy and good about everything.  Why would we want to feel that again just to be let down...again? 

I just feel so lost at this point.  I'm not sure what I want to do, other than go on a beach vacation and get away from it all.  I am grateful that it came today instead of coming late, so that I didn't have that hope still in the back of my mind, and I am able to let family and friends know so they don't think I will be announcing anything on Christmas.  Maybe I am just meant to be "Aunt Becky" and let go of everything else.  We really don't have any other options, unless some miracle happens and we come up with $10,000 for IVF/adoption.  I have to continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us when it's the right time, but it is so hard not to get angry and hurt every month when it isn't happening and we are doing everything we can.   

Perfect Timing

I can't believe it has already been a month since my last post and we are now ready for IUI #3!  It has been a rough, emotional couple of weeks since I started my injections, and Kyhle and I are incredibly grateful that those have come to and end (for now).  Kyhle didn't hesitate to tell me if I was being a bit cranky and crazy. Since my dosage was doubled, I struggled with some horrible headaches, hot flashes, and mood swings.  My mom said to me one night, "Now you will have more sympathy for women who have gone through menopause!"  

Though it has been a challenging couple of weeks, I am very happy that I have responded very well to the higher dosage of injections, and the doctor is very pleased with my progress so far.  I've had 4 ultrasounds in the last 2 weeks, and each scan showed great progression, with multiple, larger follicles.  The ideal size for a follicle is anywhere between 18-25 mm.  You also hope you can end up with 2-3 follicles for the procedure.  Our last two IUIs, I ended up with only 1, as I had follicles disappear right before.  In my first scan, I had five  good looking follicles, and in my last scan on Thursday, I had seven!  I was so excited!  Now, this doesn't mean all seven will fertilize.  As I said, they need to be 18-25 mm, and not all seven were that large.  However, we are expecting 2-3 to be of the right size, which is just what we want to see!  

Kyhle and I will go in for the procedure tomorrow morning at 7:30.  I am nervous, yet this is the calmest I have felt in our whole journey.  I feel ready.  I feel prepared.  I feel like everything has lined up perfectly this time around.  I have responded so well to the injections, I was able to get tomorrow morning off without any stress involved and worrying about getting back in time, and Kyhle just happens to be on vacation this next week, so he won't have to worry about his schedule tomorrow, and he will be able to actually go to my appointment with me.  He was unable to go to the first two IUIs, and I know I will feel much more at peace having him by my side.  Another thing that seems perfect and like a dream come true, is that we will find out if it works or not right at Christmas time.  My whole family is coming home for Christmas this year, so we will all be together.  I understand that could go really well, or horribly wrong.  

Kyhle and I, along with some family and friends fasted today.  In my prayer this morning, I asked Heavenly Father for acceptance and understanding if this procedure doesn't work.  I know we both have our hopes up since everything has worked out so well to this point, and I know we will be crushed if it doesn't work, but I also know that just because timing seems perfect and feels right to us, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's perfect to Heavenly Father. 

 

I am still keeping the faith and staying hopeful. :)

Third Time's A Charm

 I am so grateful we made the decision to see a new specialist now instead of waiting until December.  I wish we had gone to him for a second opinion much sooner!  I was so pleased with Dr. Gentry at Advanced Fertility Group.  He is such a nice, welcoming, warm, loving doctor.  I have never met a doctor like him before.  The moment he walked into my room, he said, "Hi, Friend!"  He then pulled his chair next to mine, sat down, pat my leg and cheerfully said, "How ya doin'?"  What a sweet man. 

He had so much to tell me and I loved his positive attitude!  We talked about my history with my previous specialist and all of the procedures and medicines we tried.  Without hesitation, he told me that it definitely sounds like my eggs are the issue, meaning my eggs are "older" than 24.  He recommended doing the IUI again, but being more aggressive with the gonal-F shots, doubling the dose to increase the chance of developing multiple follicles.  He informed me that one of the reasons I lost a follicle with both of my previous IUIs was probably because they had me on the minimum dose of gonal-F.  He did say to me, "Now, I just have to warn you that if I double your dosage, that will put you at a higher risk for multiples.  Are you and your husband okay with that?"  My response was, "At this point I will gladly take as many babies at one time as I can get!" :) But in all seriousness, the idea of twins/triplets is a little scary and intimidating, but that's 2 (or 3) for the price of one, and only one pregnancy.  

The nurse talked to me all about the procedure and went over the tests with me.  Just like last time, I will have to go to their office every couple of days to get ultrasounds to check for cysts, and make sure I am developing the follicles.  I will then go every other day during the second week until the follicles are at the right size for insemination.  I will be giving myself shots in stomach again, but this time it'll be with a syringe instead of a pen.  I'm a tad more nervous for that since I haven't done the syringe shots before.  I also found out some interesting news, which could be a possible reason why our IUIs didn't work before.  

I got the script for all of the medicines I will be taking, and took it to CVS so I could get it all ordered within the next week.  When they told me the cost, they said after insurance I would be paying about $300!  I was in shock because I remembered I didn't pay much at all last time we did this.  I then told them that I was going to check another pharmacy and see if I could get it cheaper.  I called the pharmacy based in Maryland and asked if I could get my meds from them again even though it's through a different doctor.  Yes!  Long story short, I am getting all of my medications totaling $2500 for FREE!  Yep...I won't have to pay a single penny for any of it.  Oh, happy day! What a huge blessing.  

So that's the plan, my friends.  My medications will arrive next Tuesday, and then we will begin IUI process #3 the last week of November.  We are both incredibly excited and nervous about this next step, and are trying so hard to not get our hopes up, especially since we will be finding out if it works or not right before Christmas.  Now wouldn't that be the best Christmas gift?  

I have to try to stay focused and remember that it will happen for us if the Lord is ready to bless us with children.  My patience has never been tested more than it has over the last year, since our first IUI.  I am so grateful for the friendships I have made through this struggle, and the sisterhood I now have with other women fighting this same fight.  We are all in it together, and I pray for them as much as we pray for our future children.  I am grateful that Kyhle and I have become closer as husband and wife, and that we have learned many new things about each other through this process.  It's not over yet, but I have never felt the comfort that I have been feeling today.  I know that staying positive, hopeful, and faithful is what we need to do, and I am grateful that we have amazing family and friends to help us along the way.  

Thoughts

I always thought that I would be married with 1 or 2 kids by the time I was 25 years old.  I always knew I would get married young, and start my family young.  It's all I ever wanted. This post has great potential to sound like a jumbled mess, going all over the place,  probably because that's how I feel.  So fair warning :)

The past 2 weeks have been some of my toughest so far.  Last Monday started a crazy, emotional roller coaster that has yet to stop jerking around and flipping me upside down.  A couple of weekends ago, after much conversation, Kyhle and I decided to call LDS Family Services and find out more information on their adoption program, and set an appointment to meet with a social worker.  We wanted to get as much detailed information as possible, and get a specific price in our head for what we should save for.  When Monday rolled around, I went ahead and made the call to set up an appointment.  I ended up speaking with their adoption manager and he gave me some troubling news.  

"Well, Rebecca, our program has changed a lot over the last couple of years.  We no longer do home studies in Indiana, so you need to use a separate agency to get that done.  Once your home study is completed through them, you can then come back to us, and we can set up your profile.  However, we are strongly encouraging our couples to use other agencies for adoption, as their are hundreds of LDS couples trying to adopt through us, and just not enough birth mothers choosing adoptions.  You can put your profile on our website for no cost, but I would recommend using a different agency, as it could take years to be placed with a child if you just use our services."

I felt my heart sink in my chest, and tears just started falling down my face.   That meant that using another agency would cost us between $15,000-$30,000.  Where in the world would we get that kind of money?  It would be years before we ever see that kind of extra money, if we even ever do.  I immediately told myself that I needed to start searching for a part-time job to put that money aside for a future baby.  

I put everything down, closed my eyes, and poured my heart out in a tearful prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me know what to do.  I needed His guidance to know if this was something we should pursue, or if we should take another course.  I felt like because we aren't even close to having money like that, it was His way of telling me "not right now."  

I found a perfect opportunity for an evening nanny two nights a week that was going to pay very well.  I emailed the lady my info, and 30 minutes later, I had a call from her wanting to set up an interview!  I felt like my prayer was immediately answered, and Heavenly Father was presenting me a way to make this work.  I had an interview with the lady on Wednesday night, and Kyhle and I were feeling great!  She was really impressed with me and felt like I would be perfect for what their family needed.  She offered me the position! I told her Kyhle and I needed to discuss some of the details more, and I would get back to her that weekend.  

Saturday, I had to decline the nanny job.  Unfortunately, she was requiring a lot out of me, which was okay, except there wasn't enough compensation to go along with the work.  Her profile was giving a pay rate for a week, and I was only going to be doing 2 days.  It wasn't enough to make it worth it, and I would probably end up losing money in the long run, because I would have had to cut my hours at the daycare.  

So there we were, back at square one, not knowing what to do, and feeling pretty low.  I had to do something else.  I decided I had to do everything possible to find out what our next step could be, and if we had any other options.  I was going to go see a new specialist in January if we weren't pregnant yet, but I decided I didn't want to wait any longer.  I went ahead and set up an appointment with a different fertility specialist to try and get a second opinion.  I liked my last doctor, and I know he's good at what he does, but I just need to see for myself if there is anything else we can do that we haven't tried yet.  I have an appointment to see him next Tuesday morning.  I'm sure I'll have another long post for you after that.  I have a friend who went to this new guy, Dr. Gentry, and she and her husband ended up doing IVF through him and got pregnant on their first round.  They now have a healthy, beautiful girl!  I do know that his office offers a 20% discount on IVF if you pay with cash or check.  I guess that's a perk.  

Okay, I warned you...this is a long post.  I am very impressed and quite surprised if you are still with me. But if you are, thank you!  It means a lot.  I'm not quite done, though. 

I really do try to stay positive and think of all the good that is happening for us in our lives and our marriage.  But sometimes, I just don't want to stay positive. It has been a really rough 2 weeks, and I am just waiting for it to get better, wondering if it will.  

As I was looking through Halloween pictures on Facebook last night, I saw so many cute, creative costumes for little ones, and saw how much fun those families were having with their kids trick-or-treating.  I wish I had stopped scrolling through photos, as I saw a costume that just broke my heart.  A friend of a friend...she's a pregnant 16 year old LDS girl.  She homemade her costume this year.  She wore black sweats with skeleton bones sewn on.  The best part--the skeleton baby on her belly.  She went trick-or-treating like that.  In that moment, I was so angry and hurt.  It only reminded me of what the adoption manager told me.  There aren't enough babies for all of these worthy, married couples, because birth mothers are no longer choosing adoption.  

Kyhle and I went to the temple on Saturday with my best friend, Joanna, and her husband, Austin.  It was a great afternoon!  I was so ready to go there and feel the spirit.  I needed that calm, peaceful feeling.  I needed to be there where I could feel Heavenly Father's presence and feel His love for me.  I needed to talk to Him.  We have set a goal to go once a month, as we have no excuse not to.  I feel like I need to go back tomorrow.  

Thank you for reading.  As I said, it means a lot to me.   I know that it probably gets really old reading about our baby struggles all of the time. For those of you who listening to me talk about it all the time, I am sure you wish I would talk about something else. It is quite consuming.  People can tell us to not think about it, and that we are so young, to just not stress about it.  I will never be able to stop thinking about my future children, and wondering when they will be sent down to join us.  

Plans Change

I want to be a mom more than anything.  Ever since I was a young girl, that is seriously all I dreamed of.  That, and being a red carpet host at the Oscars. ;)  I'm not quite sure why, but I really thought September was going to be our month.  We really hadn't been thinking about baby for the last 5 months, and it was our first month back into the process.  I was super positive, cheerful, and couldn't stop thinking about maybe being able to make a Christmas announcement.  

Unfortunately, that was not the case.  It wast just like the other 37 months--negative.  Remember how much I hate that word?  I probably have never hated anything more, other than infertility itself.  We have no choice but to pick ourselves up, and try again.  However, my biggest question of all, is how much longer are we going to have to try again?  How many more months, how many more years are we going to struggle with this battle?  I'm ready!  

But that's not the plan, is it?  Heavenly Father has a different plan in mind for Kyhle and me, and we cannot question His plan, however much we may want to.  No, we cannot question His plan, but we can try other options to see if maybe that is what He has in mind for us.  Right?  I have been reading adoption profiles and blogs all week of couples from the church looking to expand their families.  How do you not compare yourself to them?  How do you not wonder which couple would be better?  How do you not wonder which couple would get picked and placed?  

I did some research on the church adoption website called itsaboutlove.org.  Ready for some statistics? 

The total amount of couples with published profiles: 672

Couples in Indiana: 2

Couples in Utah: 328

Couples in the 20-25 age range: 22

Couples in the 25-30 age range: 198

Couples without children: 236

Couples with a dog: 313

I know I have said this before, but it can take 8-12 months just to get your paperwork finished and get approved to be on the list.  After approval, it could be 1 week, 1 year, 5 years...no one knows when you'll get placed with a baby.  Just because you get chosen by a birth mother, doesn't mean you'll end up getting placed.  That's a sad lesson I have been reading a lot about.  I have found many couples who have shared their stories of getting chosen, but then the birth mother changes her mind at the last minute and keeps the baby.  I found a few couples that experienced that heartache multiple times.  What an awful thing to go through!  I cannot imagine being at the hospital with our new baby, holding them, loving them, naming them, and then...nothing.  

A friend of mine asked me, "If you start the adoption process, do you feel like you would be giving up trying for your own baby?"  My answer? No, I feel like that is us moving forward with the process of expanding our family and bringing a child into our home.  I will never stop trying to get pregnant.  However, I would like to be pro-active and find a way to become a mom, whichever way Heavenly Father has planned for us.  

Keep Trying

I cannot believe it has been almost 6 months since our last failed IUI. After that happened for the second time, I felt like I just needed some time off.  I needed to turn my attention to something else other than baby.  We took some much needed time off, and I think that was just the right thing to do. We had such a busy, eventful summer, and it was so nice to not have fertility on my mind the whole time.  Obviously I would think of it every so often, but not as much as I would before.  

I have had a couple of friends come to me over the last few months and share with me their struggles with trying to have or expand their families, and I have thoroughly loved talking to them, and being there to support them through this difficult trial.  It has really helped me become stronger, and has taken my mind off my own struggle.  I was telling one of my friends that infertility really is like a sisterhood.  No one can understand it until they have been through it.  Family and friends are so supportive and are there for you when they can be, and are great listeners, but they really just can't understand the whole situation.  When I learn of a new woman who is fighting this battle, I feel an instant connection with her, and feel like I can't talk to her about everything and she will understand.  She understands what it is like to feel the mixed emotions of being happy for pregnant friends, but feeling so sad and confused at the same time.  She understands what it is like to have a happy face when attending baby showers, baby blessings, visiting friends and family in the hospital, and then crying when she walks through the door coming home.  

I keep getting a strong feeling to not give up.  Something keeps telling me that it will happen.  We will get pregnant, and we will have a baby.  The problem, though, is that I'm not quite sure if it's my stubbornness and selfishness telling me that, or something completely different.  I have talked about adoption many times on here, but I keep feeling that if adoption were the answer for us, we would have started that journey by now.  I'm not sure if it's because I can't let go of the idea of being pregnant, or if it's because I really do feel that it'll happen...eventually.  I'm not saying I know it'll happen soon, or even within the next year, but I just know it will happen.  I have prayed and prayed, read my Patriarchal blessing over and over, and just in the last month, have been feeling strongly that that is my answer-- keep trying.  It is not time to move on to other options.  I am not saying that time won't come, but it's not right now.  Yes I am selfish and stubborn, and want to have my own baby through pregnancy, but I know the spirit is telling me to keep trying, and to not give up.  So much has happened for us in the last 3 years, with so much more still to come.  

I love this quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.  I am sure I have shared it before, but it is a great reminder to those of us who are fighting any battle.  

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” 

On a side note, I am a huge fan of The Bachelor.  If any of you feel the same, (I know many do,) then you remember Sean Lowe.  His sister, Shay, is a blogger, and I stumbled across her blog a few weeks ago.  I read her blog about infertility last night.  Such a positive post, and confirmed my feelings, as well.  If you have a couple of minutes, read her post! 

http://shullfamily.blogspot.com/2013/02/infertility.html

New Woman

I decided to start writing in a personal journal more lately instead of blogging.  I feel like I have said everything on here that there is to say, and nothing has changed.  In my journal, I feel like I have more freedom to say my true feelings than on the blog.  I obviously try to watch some of the things I say on here to make sure I don't hurt or offend anyone.  It feels good to let it all out with pen and paper, and be able to write exactly what is on my mind.  For now, I thought I would go ahead and let you all know what life has been like over the last three and a half weeks since surgery.  

I'll start off by saying getting a breast reduction was one of the best decisions I have ever made!  It has been a crazy few weeks with a lot of ups and downs, but I don't regret any of it.  I had a hard time staying in bed like the doctor asked, so I was at the hospital when my niece was born, visited friends and family, went out to lunch, played putt-putt, and cleaned the apartment before getting the doc's approval.  People kept warning me that I needed to take it easy and stay in bed resting more.  I guess I should have listened!  At my three week check up this past Thursday, Dr. Kelly told me I needed to get another surgery.  My right side wasn't healing correctly, and we needed to do a skin graft and new stitches.  I just about broke down into tears as she was telling me everything.  I knew there was a chance I would have to get new stitches, but a whole other surgery?  Then on top of that, she told me I was getting surgery the next day!  

Friday afternoon, I went to her office and filled out piles of paperwork in preparation for surgery.  I was taken back at 2 o'clock and underwent a 2 hour surgery, where they did a skin graft from my stomach and repaired my right side.  She summed it up as a mini tummy tuck.  That's alright with me!  I woke up from anesthesia, drank my Sprite and ate my crackers.  As soon as they released me, we went straight to my sister's house for her birthday dinner.  Yes, I would say that was a crazy idea, but I really didn't want to miss her birthday, and really wanted to see Eli and baby Clara.  

For the next few days, I will be taking it as easy as possible, and really listen to my doctor this time around. I will be off work at least until Wednesday, and then see how I feel about going back.  I went ahead and took the whole week off just in case.  I am in quite a bit of pain in my stomach area, where there is about a 6-7 inch incision, like a C-Section scar.  I am so ready for this all to be over with and to feel completely normal again.  Sadly, she told me it will be 6-8 weeks before I feel "normal."  

On the bright side, I have been loving the way my clothes fit me now, and I am really looking forward to going shopping for some fun, new clothes as soon as I feel like I am ready to wear them!  I am down about 10 lbs so far, and am ready to get to the gym as soon as I get approval.  I am so grateful for all of the women in my ward who so graciously brought us meals for 2 weeks.  I loved receiving cards and letters in the mail from friends and family, and am so grateful for all of the love and support we have received from everyone.  It's fun to feel like a new woman! 

Baby Hungry

The past few days have been pretty hectic at the Porter house!  I won't go into details, but Kyhle and I have been taking care of one of my babies from work while her dad is in the hospital.  My co-worker, Meaggan, works at the vet clinic, and I watch her two kids, Jayden and MaKenzie, at daycare.  Jayden has been getting taken care of by another family, and Kyhle and I have had 10 month old MaKenzie since Sunday.  

As if we weren't baby hungry enough, this sweet little girl isn't making it any easier on us!  She is such a fun baby to have with us, and we have really enjoyed taking care of her.  Kyhle has been amazing with her, even though she has been quite clingy to me.  He will be the perfect daddy someday.  Both mornings so far, MaKenzie has had a dirty diaper when she woke up.  Kyhle got her out of bed, changed her diaper without complaning or making grossed-out noises, and helped changed her clothes.  Isn't he great?  

We have always loved on our nieces and nephews, and have enjoyed playing with them, but it's different seeing Kyhle with a baby we aren't related to.  He really has the biggest heart!  On our first night, we didn't have any toys or groceries, so we ran to Target after we picked up MaKenzie, and Kyhle kept wanting to buy her toys and yummy snacks to keep her happy and spoil her.  When we were in the toy aisles, MaKenzie's face just lit up and Kyhle said, "Man!  It must be impossible to not spoil your own children because I want to buy her everything!"  He's too sweet.  

I am so grateful for a husband that loves children, and is so kind and gentle with any child he meets.  I'll never forget when we were dating, we were sitting on a bench at Hawthorne Park by the lake and he said, "I want 9 kids so I can have my own baseball team!"  I looked at him like he was crazy.  Luckily, he settled at four.  ;)  I hope and pray that one day, I will be able to give him half of the baseball team he so deserves. 

Major

I am having a hard time grasping the fact that I am having major surgery in less than a month.  Did I mention it is major?  I am absolutely 100% terrified.  I wish I weren't so scared, and that I could feel comfortable and at ease with the whole situation.  I just don't know if that is even possible.  Friends have said, "Oh, don't be nervous, you'll do fine!"  "Why are you scared!?  It'll be so much better in the long run..."  Well, duh, I know it'll be better, that's why I am doing this.  But don't be scared?  You get your top lady parts chopped in half and let me know how you feel about it.  (Sorry, Mom.)  

What am I nervous and scared about?  I am terrified of staying the night in the hospital and being sick all night.  I am terrified of the risks my doctor told me about.  I am terrified of the amount of pain I will be in for a long time after surgery.  I am terrified something will go wrong.  I am nervous I won't be able to return to work when I planned, and I will lose more money with time off.  I am nervous if I do return to work on time, I will end up injuring myself even worse.  I am super nervous my surgery and recovery will interfere with the timing of the birth of my niece, and my mom will feel pressured to be with me and my sister.  Mom, Laura got pregnant before I scheduled my surgery.  She and the baby come first!  ;)

Why am I having the surgery done if I am so terrified of everything?  I know this procedure will change my life.  I know it will make me feel like a new person.  I know it will make my back, shoulders, neck and head feel much better.  I know it will give me the confidence and self-esteem boost I so badly need.  I know it will be better for my health.  I know it will be better for me.  

The pros out-weigh the cons.  

When going over the paperwork again tonight, (I have read it all about 500 times,) I read this line over and over...

"Avoid heavy lifting (over 10 pounds) for one month post-operatively.  This includes groceries and laundry baskets.  Also, limit arm movements which stretch or pull on the incisions.  Avoid activities that utilize the chest muscles, such as reaching overhead or vacuuming.  It also is useful to avoid bending over at the waist.  Otherwise follow your regular routine."

Regular routine?  Bending over at my waist, reaching overhead, lifting laundry baskets, vacuuming, heavy lifting...that is my regular routine! 

I was secretly hoping I would get pregnant this past month, (or this coming month,) so I could cancel the surgery.  No such luck.  

July 17, my friends.  

What If?

After spending a couple of weeks in California with 4 of my nieces and nephews, I told Kyhle that I needed to wait a little while to try for a baby.  I was exhausted, stressed, and just completely worn out.  When he picked me up at the airport, there was a baby that he pointed out saying she was a cutie.  I turned to him and said, "No.  No baby is cute to me right now."  I said that?  I never thought I'd say those words!  Ha!  

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful I had the opportunity to stay with my nieces and nephew while Ryan and Jeri went on vacation, but it was a lot of hard work and I totally underestimated how challenging it would be taking care of 4 kids by myself.  I have always said that my sister-in-law is Super Mom.  She is always on the go and keeps her kids so active and involved, which is great!  However, I am not used to that lifestyle, so it was quite an adjustment.  I didn't think it would be too hard because I work with more than 4 kids everyday.  Here's the biggest difference-- I go home by myself at the end of the day!!  There were some days where I couldn't wait to just go in my room and close the door for the night.  Moms are amazing, and anyone who says otherwise is just...not. :)

Luckily, I am back on track and want my baby!  I knew that feeling of wanting to put it off would go away pretty fast.  But first things first, and I have some good news!  My insurance accepted my claim for my reduction surgery, and they will cover the whole procedure, including an overnight at the hospital!  When I asked them how much I would end up paying out of pocket, her response was, "Zero!  You have already met your deductible and you have no co-pay!"  I am one lucky girl to still get to be on my dad's insurance!!  

So that's that.  I have scheduled the surgery for Tuesday, July 23.  I am somewhat nervous with the timing because my sister, Laura, is due to have her baby one week after that.  Let's all hope baby girl Hayes comes on time and not early. :)  I am going to be off work from July 23-August 5.  When I return, I still have to be super cautious with lifting and making sure I don't move around too much.  It'll definitely be a tough 6 weeks of recovering.  How is that possible with my job?  Maybe I'll have to plan to do a lot of desk work that first week back.  

Now that it is scheduled and planned, I am definitely starting to feel the nerves.  This is something I have wanted to do for a few years now, and I just kept putting off and putting off.  I know it is time to move on and go forward with life, but parts of me feel like I just need to wait a few more years, and see if a baby comes along.  But I can't just keep putting it off.  I can't keep living my life saying, "What if we get pregnant?"  Now I have to say, "What if we don't, and I waited for years with this daily physical pain?"  I really hate "what-ifs"! 

Moving Forward

 I took a (small) break from writing on here because I was debating what I wanted to write about.  I won't go into details, but last week was a rough one.  Kyhle and I ended up staying home together from work last Wednesday.  I had quite the bad experience in the middle of the night on Tuesday, and was in horrible pain all day Wednesday and most of Thursday.  Kyhle actually went in to work, and during his meeting, his boss could tell something wasn't right with him. When he asked, Kyhle explained to him what had happened, and his boss's response was, "Is your wife still home?"  Kyhle replied, "Yes."  His boss said, "Go home.  You need to be with her today."  Kyhle and I were both so grateful he let him go home, and even more grateful that he was understanding enough that Kyhle didn't even have to ask.  Thank you, Eric.  I was able to get my shift covered last minute at my work, too.  Thank you, Val.  

So we move on, right?  I don't really like to call it "moving on."  I feel like that sounds like we are giving up, and I am not giving up.  I am just going forward to the next step.  I have been contemplating my "next step" for a long time now, and questioning if I am ready for it or not.  I have put it off for a long time, and feel like it is finally time to move forward and make some changes.  Changes?  Oh yeah!  I am a little shy to talk about it, but I have shared everything else with you all, and it'll be obvious someday soon anyway, so I may as well go ahead.

Kyhle and I visited with a plastic surgeon and had a consultation for a breast reduction.  Holy cow!  I'd say that's moving forward.  I was going to get one back in high school, but I scared myself out of it, and decided to wait until I was married and done having children.  Seeing as we have been unable to succeed at the having children part, I have decided I shouldn't put it off any longer, and go ahead with surgery.  I know it will be life changing, and make such a huge difference in my overall health and well-being, and for that, I am thrilled!  My paperwork has been submitted to insurance, and now we wait.  My doctor told me insurance would be crazy not to cover me because of all of the health issues and struggles I have had, and that there should be no problem getting it taken care of.  Insurance was going to cover it back in high school, and boy, do I need it more now than I did then!  

So we play the waiting game and will hopefully hear back from insurance within a couple of weeks.  After they (hopefully) accept, I will schedule surgery.  My goal is to get it done in June or July, while I have my daycare fully staffed with my college girls. :)  I will have to be out of work for one week, possibly two.  The hardest part will be not lifting over 20 lbs for 6 weeks!  I don't even know how I  can manage that at my job.  

Kyhle and I are both excited and ready for this next big step.  Well, I think I am more excited and ready than he is.  He had a couple of stipulations ;) 

Time to Travel

Yes, according to the doctor today was the day I could take a home test.  People kept asking when I was going to test and to keep them posted.  I kept telling them I would probably wait a few days, until I was actually late (Wednesday.)  Well, just like my mom told me, I wasn't able to wait.  First thing at 6 am this morning...negative.  Remember how much I hate that word?  I hate it even more at 6 in the morning.  So I didn't start my day off in the best mood.  Unfortunately I cried my entire way to work, along with a couple of times during the day.  That's really nothing new, as I have been an emotional wreck the past couple of weeks.  I should have waited until I was officially late like I originally planned, but of course I had to check right away.  Obviously I will test again in a few days, but I think I have already told myself I'm not pregnant.  

I really hate saying that.  I'm not pregnant.  It's such a horrible, terrible, depressing, unfortunate statement.  I have said it each month for almost three years, and I was (am) really hoping I wouldn't have to say it this month.  I understand there's a slight chance that's not the case this month, but it sure feels like it.  

I worry I am becoming that girl.  The girl that really hates being around other pregnant women.  As happy as I am for them, I just don't want to be around them.  No offense to all of my pregnant friends and family members--I love you all and wish you the best with your journeys, and am so grateful you all have the amazing opportunity to be mommies.  But it's hard for me to see the bellies.  I really want that round belly (for the right reason! :)) It is by far my biggest challenge to not feel envious of you all.  I am noticing I don't want to go places that I know there will be multiple pregnant women.  It's just too much sometimes.  I don't like going to Buy Buy Baby anymore, as it just makes me sad that I am not preparing for my sweet baby.  I have noticed my job is starting to make me a little sad.  Being around the sweet children and babies all day is just making me yearn for my own bundle of cuddles. 

The hardest part of it all...no more fertility treatments.  Kyhle and I have decided this would be our last try.  It costs a lot of money to not get the result you want, and it has taken quite an emotional toll.  So that's it.  I have to start accepting and realizing that becoming pregnant just may not happen for me.  I have to realize that I may become a mommy through another woman.  I also have to realize that it is going to be quite a while before that can happen.  I think that's what is the hardest to accept.  We just can't afford adoption, nor are we ready and prepared for that kind of journey.  We are at least going to wait until Kyhle graduates (one more year) and then see where we end up moving after school.  

Next month will mark a year since my endometriosis diagnosis.  We really thought after finding that out and treating it, that it would be our time.  What a year it has been!  I think it's time for a nice break.  It's time to get away, and just be with my sweet husband for a while.  It's time for us to have time to just enjoy each other and the beauty around us.  It's time for a getaway.  Yeah...I think that sounds right. Our third anniversary is just around the corner.  New York?  South Carolina?  Tennessee?  Georgia?  Michigan?  It's time to travel away from the world of infertility drugs and sadness.  

That Was Fast!

The plan was to do the IUI procedure either the end of this week or the beginning of next.  I made my work schedule according to plan, and was prepared for that.  Well, looks like my body had other plans!  I went to my check up this morning to check on my follicles.  Sadly, one of my follicles disappeared like last time, but my other one grew faster than they had expected.  They want the follicle at 18 mm.  Last Wednesday, they were 6 mm and 7 mm, and they usually grow about 1 mm a day.  If that were the case, it would have only been 11-12 mm today.  Nope...18!  My nurse says to me, "Did you bring your HCG with you today?"  Well no, I wasn't planning on triggering today.  She told me we were going to have to do the IUI tomorrow and I needed to get my trigger shot asap.  I went home, picked up my medicine, went back to the doctor, and she gave me my shot.  I will go back in tomorrow at 8 am to do the IUI.  

As I said before, one of my follicles disappeared, just like last time.  I know they say that it is normal, and isn't a bad thing, but I still was sad to hear that.  The one follicle gave me a better chance at success.  It gave me a little more hope this whole thing could possibly work.  As she was doing my ultrasound, I looked and looked for the little black circle.  Nothing.  So she was like, "Hmm, maybe it's just hiding!"  Nope, not there.  Sarah (my nurse) reminded me that it was completely normal for one to disappear, and that all it takes is one to get that baby.  I just have to keep reminding myself that now. 

I'm not quite sure why, but I am feeling nervous this time around.   I was nervous last time, but it feels different.  I don't at all want to be a Debbie Downer, but if it didn't work last time, why would it work this time?  I keep asking myself that, but yet I am still going ahead with it, so I must believe it could happen.  

Kyhle's birthday is April 22, and I've got a HUGE surprise planned for him that whole weekend.  It would be totally awesome if we could have some good news for an even better surprise.  

Let's Go #2!

It's probably time to update you all on the latest...

I started my shots last week to start our second round of IUI.  I will go back on Wednesday for a follow-up, and see how many follicles I have developed, and hopefully find out when we can do the procedure.  My guess is that it will happen early next week.  I have been getting bad headaches this time around, but no other symptoms.  I would say I am pretty emotional, but I think I've been that way for the last year or so!  I still cry at everything!  

I don't really know how I feel this time.  I would kind of describe it as numb, but I think that sounds wrong.  Maybe it's because it didn't work last time, so I don't want to get my hopes up this time?  But I know I need to stay positive, and just move on from the last round.  We took last month off to regroup and take a little break, so I was definitely ready to get back in the game.  

At my appointment last week, I noticed my nurse is actually pregnant.  I wanted to say something to her, and just make casual conversation, maybe ask her when she's due...but I didn't.  I sat there wondering what it is like for her.  Here she is working in a fertility clinic, a place where women go who are unable to get pregnant, and she is just that...pregnant.  I wonder how many women treat her differently because of that?  I wonder how many tell her congratulations?  I felt bad for not saying anything to her, so I am going to make a point on Wednesday to tell her congratulations, and ask how far along she is.  I would never want her to feel uncomfortable around me, curious if it made me upset or jealous.  

I found out last week that my sister and Kyhle's best friend's wife are both having GIRLS!  I am so, so excited for both of them, but especially for my sister because I can't wait to get another niece!  I am really looking forward to having a niece live close by that I can love on and spoil.  Come on, August!  

Grateful

What is it about Spring that makes me yearn even more for that sweet little baby?  Maybe it's because the weather is so beautiful, and I wish we could take our little one out on a walk with the dogs, or dress it in beautiful spring colors.  Maybe it's because that's when animals have their babies, and flowers are blooming.  

What am I saying?  I don't care what season or month it is...there is always something going on around me that makes me think, "Man, I wish we had our on little baby to enjoy this with!" 

The last week or so has been a little rough.  I have been super busy at work with a new promotion, and feeling like I just need a break.  I'm hoping things will start to slow down a little once I start to get the hang of this director thing, but until then...phew!

For Thanksgiving, my family has a tradition of writing down things we are grateful for.  It can be anything we think of-- family, food, homes, cars, TV shows, games, sports, friends, church, clothing, exercise, vacations...anything.  After dinner, we pass the bag around, and each person pulls out a paper and reads what it says.  We continue to pass the bag until all the notes are gone.  My sister, Beth, wrote a sweet thankful note about each of her siblings.  My mom pulled the note of what she said about me. 

"I'm grateful for my little sister whose tender heart has room for lots of little ones, including mine, and whose own little ones will be so lucky to be held in her arms."  

I looked over to her with tears in my eyes, and said, "Thank you."  

I don't know if she knows this, but I have kept that little note in my wallet ever since that night.  When I am having a rough day, I will pull it out and read it, and think back to that night and the love I felt from her.  That note means so much to me, and has helped me through some tough days and weeks.  

I know that things will get better and it will all be alright in the end.  I am grateful for a wonderful husband who loves and supports me, and amazing family and friends who are there when I need them.  I am grateful for my nieces and nephews, and all the little ones at my work who I can love and take care of, while I wait to love and take care of my own.  

Pictures

Like many of you, I am a lover of Pinterest.  When I first found out about it, I went pinning crazy.  I have since slowed down, but with the recent possibility of becoming pregnant, I got back into it.  When we eventually do have a teeny tiny baby, I will be turning back to all of my lovely pins.  

I came across a blog that I absolutely love, and am so grateful I found it!  I wanted to share this great idea with all of you, as I know many of you readers of mine are expecting little ones within this year, and I think you should all do this for your babies.  

Enjoy!

http://brittanygphotography.com/blog/?p=1597

Oreos

Here it goes...

I woke up yesterday morning, Kyhle handed me a test, we waited for 3 minutes...negative.  I called my doctor and spoke to the nurse letting her know the result.  Her response--

"So you're 3 days late, have taken 2 tests and they have both been negative.  Okay, we will go ahead and consider it a negative.  Go ahead and stop taking the Progesterone, and just call us when you eventually get your period.  I will go ahead and place the order for your shots to try this again." 

That's it?  Consider it a negative?  Call when I eventually get my period? Awesome.  

So nothing happened on Friday.  Saturday morning, 4 days late, nothing happened.  What the heck is going on?  Kyhle and I were in Terre Haute for his brother's birthday this weekend, and we came home this afternoon.  As we were exiting off the interstate to pull into our apartment, it hit me.  Cramps.  I knew exactly what kind of cramps these were.  We came inside, put our bags away, and sure enough...it was here.  

So that's it.  I thought I had accepted that we weren't pregnant when I saw the first negative on Wednesday, but I guess I was hoping in the back of my mind that it was false and just still too early to detect.  I can start the shots again on Monday if we choose, and we can start the process as soon as we want.  Unfortunately, this has taken quite an emotional toll on both of us, and I think we are going to wait a month and try again in April instead.  As much as we were trying to stay neutral, we really thought this was our turn.  Unfortunately, things don't always go the way we want them to.  

It's hard for me to not be angry.  It's hard to not be bitter.  I don't want to be that girl, but sometimes, I just need to be that way.  I just need a day or two to be angry, upset, frustrated, bitter, mad, jealous, envious.  Or maybe I need a whole week to feel those emotions.  I need to get those emotions out and not have to feel like I am holding anything back.  

I just want to lay down under my blanket and eat Oreos for the rest of the day, faithfully taking Midol.  Maybe even the rest of the weekend.  If I'm not eating Oreos, I just want to be asleep.  That way I don't have to feel sad, or even mad.  

In Case You Were Wondering

I figured I should probably let you all know...

My doctor wanted me to take a home test on Tuesday, the day my cycle was expected.  I decided to wait 'til I was officially "late" and tested Wednesday morning.  Kyhle woke me up first thing in the morning before he left for work. 

K: "Bay, are you gonna take a test?"

R: "I don't know...not right now..."

K: "But I have to go to work in 5 minutes!" 

R: "I'm not going to test with you here!"

K: "Yeah, bay!"

(Yes, "Bay" is our nickname for each other.)

I get up, take my test, set it on the tub, and go back to bed telling Kyhle to go read it for me because I was too nervous.  I crawl back under the covers, and wait for his return.  A minute later, he walks in...

K: "Sorry for waking you up, love."

R: "It's okay.  Sorry it was negative."

Obviously we were both incredibly sad, and just bummed.  We hugged, we cried, we went to work and kept a brave face all day.  I called the doctor on my way to work and told them the result.  They said if my cycle didn't start, to take another test Friday morning and call them with the result.  Well...it hasn't started.  I don't really know if I want to test tomorrow morning.  I think they want me to since they are closed during the weekend, and I may need to go in for a blood test tomorrow afternoon if the test is still negative with no cycle.  I guess I'll decide when I wake up tomorrow morning! 

The part that is so frustrating to me is that everything is still in limbo!  I hate not knowing one way or the other.  If my test was negative yesterday, why the heck have I not started!?  It is also driving me crazy because I notice some symptoms, but I don't want to read into them, because I know they could mean anything, along with my Progesterone meds causing some crazy sore tenderness.  I have felt extremely over-tired the past 3 days, to a point where I can go to bed at 7 each evening.  I came home from work on Monday, we had dinner at 4:45, I was asleep by 5:15, didn't wake up until 7:30 (I don't normally take naps), and went back to bed at 10.  What is wrong with me?  I have had no symptoms of an upcoming cycle.  Usually I will break out and have some cramping, but I haven't experienced either of those.  Just frustrating.  

I think  I have accepted the fact that I am not pregnant this month, even though nothing has started.  If I end up finding out I am pregnant, we will be pleasantly surprised.  Seeing the negative was a major let down and I just don't want to see another one.  I'm sick of negatives.  It's the perfect word because a "negative" is so negative. 

Stay tuned...

13

It feels good to know that I've done all I could do.  I've taken my medicine, I've given myself shots, I've had many ultrasounds, and I've done many blood tests.  It is out of my control, and that gives me a feeling of relief.  It is officially time to "Let go and let God."  

My appointment went well this morning.  The actual procedure was just 5 minutes, and then they had may stay laying down for 15 minutes afterward.  While laying there, she dimmed the lights so I could just relax.  As I looked up at the ceiling, I found myself talking out loud.  I guess I should say praying out loud.  I kept repeating...

"I just want to be a mommy.  I just want to be a mommy.  All I want is to be a mommy." 

Fortunately, I could get back to the daily routine right after my appointment, and I don't have any restrictions over the next couple of weeks.  Unfortunately, I still have a nasty sinus infection that has decided to take control of my body, and I ended up having to call in to work today.  I wish I could just lay here in peace and be stress-free, but I can't stop coughing and feel like I am going to hack up a lung.  Pretty, I know.  I've had this since Friday night, so I finally decided to go to the Minute Clinic right after my appointment to get on antibiotics and fight this thing.  Sadly, because of the IUI, the nurse didn't feel comfortable putting me on any antibiotics because she didn't know what was safe, and didn't want to mess anything up for me.  As much as I appreciated that, I feel so crummy, and just want to get better! 

My best friend, Joanna, is my hero.  She graciously came over Monday night at 7:45 to give me the final shot.  Kyhle didn't feel comfortable enough to do it, so I knew I could trust her to stick it in the right spot.  This was a different shot than the one I had been giving myself, with a much bigger needle.  When I was telling my mom about the good laugh Jo and I got from this experience, Mom replied with, "It's great to have friends 'behind' you!"  Jo and I were supposed to go out for a small girls' night tonight, but because of this sickness that is taking over, she is bringing pizza over to my place so we can lay on the couch and take it easy, while still enjoying some great girl talk.  She has been there for me through all of this journey and I am so grateful for her and her loyal friendship.  Like I said, she's the best! :)

Now comes the waiting game.  In 2 days, I will start taking my progesterone medicine, and in 13 days, I will take a test.  

In 13 days, our lives could forever change. 

Good Question

I feel like we are approaching the finish line, and that is a great feeling!

We have officially scheduled the insemination for Wednesday at 8 in the morning.  I will give myself the final HCG shot tonight at 8, and then 36 hours later will be insemination. 

I was a little bummed at my appointment this morning.  They told me that one of my follicles had disappeared, and I only had one left.  Obviously it just takes one to make a baby, but I was hoping to keep 2 to help boost our chances of success.  I guess the good thing about 1 disappearing is that the chance of twins is now slim, which is something we were a tad stressed about. 

It also made me think of a question I should have asked today.  At my Friday appointment, I had 2 good sized follicles, then all of a sudden today there was just 1.  Now I am wondering if maybe I don't produce eggs each month.  I already know I have a low ovarian reserve, so does this also mean I maybe don't release one every month?  That could obviously explain why we have struggled all this time.  

Just something to think about, and definitely ask on Wednesday.  

The Journey Continues

Headaches, headaches, go away!  

They started out mild enough that taking a couple of ibuprofen would make them disappear.  Not anymore.  All of a sudden they hit so hard that I have to close my eyes and just lay my head down for a little while.  I'm trying to not take medicine for them anymore, because I don't want to rely on it to feel better.  I just have to keep reminding myself...this is for baby!  

The other night as we were watching American Idol, I cried 4 times within 30 minutes!  What a mess!  Seriously, all it took was for the judges to say, "You're going to Hollywood!" and I burst into tears.  Kyhle just looked at me and said, "I can't wait for this to be over!" Ha!  Sorry, love!  I have also noticed I am becoming much more irritable, losing my patience at the smallest things.  Just don't say anything that would annoy me.  ;)  

And last but not least...acne.  Oh, my friend, I am not a fan.  I noticed today at work that I just looked tired.  Yes I did my hair, my makeup, and even wore jeans (instead of sweats), but I still looked a little worn down.  I'm not sure if the drowsiness comes from the medicine, or if it's from the head cold I have come down with the last couple of days.  

I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and another this morning.  All is going well!  The medicine is doing it's job, everything is progressing nicely.  I have a healthy follicle on each ovary, which is just what the doctor wants!  He says the the ideal number is 1-3 follicles.  The more follicles you develop, the higher risk for multiples.  If I had developed more than 3, we would have had to cancel the insemination due to the high risk.  I have been instructed to continue doing my injections over the weekend, and am scheduled for another appointment Monday morning.  If all goes well and they are at the right size, I will do the HCG shot, which triggers ovulation, on Monday night. 

We are tentatively scheduled to do insemination on Wednesday!  Holy cow!  I cannot believe we are already there!  I thought I would have to do injections for 3 weeks, but it has gone much quicker and I am so grateful for that.  However, the closer we get to insemination day, the more anxious I become.  I am so grateful my Dad is able to give Kyhle and I blessings this Sunday, and I know that will help calm our fears and bring us peace.  This has been such a long, challenging journey, but I know it will all be worth it in the end. 

Aren't They Cute?

 Days 1-2: Minor headaches and dizziness

Day 3: Same with some nausea

Day 4:  Headache and stomach pain

So basically I have experienced most of the small symptoms, but overall I am feeling well.  I am so ready for my next appointment on Wednesday, feeling anxious to know what they see and say.  I'm most of all ready to find out the next step and when everything will happen.  

As I have said on many posts, I have always been crazy about everything baby.  As a little girl, I would walk my way to the baby section at every store, and carried my baby doll in a car seat with a diaper bag everywhere we went.  Over the last year or so, Kyhle and I have slowly started collecting some baby outfits that we fell in love with when we saw them.  Some of them I will keep for our future babies, and some I will probably start gifting at showers.  

Here are some favorites...

I can't wait to use these sweet little outfits on our sweet little baby someday! 

When Kyhle and I were watching The Bachelor the other night, there was a commercial that we just fell in love with.  It is exactly how we picture our family!  Now, I have a weird habit of laughing when I cry.  I don't know if it's out of embarrassment, or trying to cover up the tears, but when I randomly start to laugh, Kyhle will look over at me to check and see if I'm crying.  After this commercial, I started laughing uncontrollably, mixed with a few tears!  It was so touching.  Then we each got a good 10 minute laugh.  Love those!

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8kOeV56-kc