Sometimes I wish that we could go in to our next IVF with the guarantee that it will work. I guess I wish we could go in to all pregnancies knowing they will work, and everything will turn out just as it should, with the results of a beautiful, healthy baby. Unfortunately, it just doesn't always work out that way, and we are left wondering why. For some, they are left wondering what they did wrong or what they could have done differently. Others feel that it was just what happened, and that they need to just move on and let it go. Some may take a month to move forward, others 3 months, others 6 months, some a year, and some may never be able to let it go and accept what is. I wish I could cure miscarriages.
There are so many fears I have going in to this next process. I was nervous for our first round, and I thought that the unknown was what was making it so much harder to understand. Now looking back, I wish I could have the unknown, and the excitement that comes with IVF. Instead, I know exactly what to expect, and the risks involved, fully knowing that even though it may take, it may not last. I am not saying this to be pessimistic, just realistic. You have to prepare yourself. Hope for the best, expect the worst.
Please don't get me wrong-- this is still exciting, and is a huge, wonderful gift that we are able to try again. The thought of a pregnancy resulting from all of our prayers, fasting, donations, injections, ultrasounds, and blood work is the best feeling in the world. It's all Kyhle and I have ever wanted. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified at what's to come. I told Kyhle the other night that I wonder how I would react if we went through all of this effort and were unsuccessful. My girlfriend told me the other night at dinner that she thinks it would be hard not to feel defeated. Not only are we hoping for a pregnancy, but we are incredibly hopeful for more than one baby, and to also have embyros left to freeze. This our chance to have our own children. It truly is our last opportunity, unless some miracle happens and we are blessed on our own without the help of treatment.
I also am starting to become aware that since this very well could be our one and only pregnancy, that I would have to soak up every single moment, and be grateful for the good and the bad. I can promise you this--if I am able to have that one, sweet, cuddly, lovable baby, I will happily take every bit of morning sickness, bed rest, acne, food aversion, and mood swing. I will do it for my baby, just as I know I have done everything I could to get them here, protect them, and most of all, love the heck out of them.
