Coping

Lately I have realized there are some things I should save to write about in my own personal journal.  Then I remembered how so many of you have complimented me on my positive attitude, how strong I seem to be during our treatments, and how you have admired the faith we have shown.  While I do try to stay positive and faithful, I feel like I'm not always being completely honest about my true feelings.  

I am having a hard time coping with the loss of our pregnancy.  It will be three months next week, and I can truly say it has been the hardest three months of the last 4 1/2 years.  I feel so sad all of the time, and can't stop thinking about what may have been.  When I was talking to my sister a couple weeks ago, I told her, "I would have been 15 weeks today..."  She replied, "You remember that?"  I said, "How can I forget?"  A friend of mine told me that she miscarried 15 years ago, and still remembers what would have been her baby's due date.  

June 30

Exactly one week before my birthday, and 9 days before our anniversary.  

I have never struggled being around babies, pregnant women, or baby items.  In fact,  I always wanted to be the one holding a baby, and loving them as if they were my own.  I hate the fact that it is hard for me to do now.  I hate the fact that seeing the baby section at Target makes my heart ache, and I hate the fact that I haven't gone to Buy Buy Baby since I miscarried.  Another thing I hate is when I find out a lady is pregnant, I say to myself, "I hope she doesn't miscarry."  

Being a member of the LDS church, we are taught from a young age of the importance of families, and our role as mothers.  It is planted in our heads at a very young age, and it is what we are taught to become.  We are taught to multiply and replenish the earth, and that it is the most important thing we will ever do.  

The other day I told Kyhle that I needed to find a way to not think about it all the time.  I feel like babies, treatments, and infertility have just taken over my life, and I don't know how to get it to stop.  Sometimes I like to just be alone.  I don't always want to be around a lot of people, and I especially don't want to be around a lot of babies.  To be honest, church is one of the hardest places for me to be.  I don't know how to have a conversation with someone and not bring it up.  I worry that I am becoming annoying to my friends and family, and that they wish I wouldn't talk about it so much. 

This is what is happening in my life. Right now, this is what is most important to me.  I want to spread awareness, and I want to help people understand what it means to not be able to just plan out when I want to be pregnant.  I have loved developing new relationships with fellow infertility sisters, and I love being able to help them.  Our reasons for not being able to have children may be completely different, but the pain is the same.

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Life on Lupron

Last night as I was watching The Bachelor, they were introducing the ladies that are going to be competing for Chris's heart this season.  I got so excited when they introduced Whitney, a fertility nurse from Chicago! I paused the TV, grabbed Kyhle, and excitedly told him about her.  I also immediately put her on my top 10 list. ;) I then started the show back up, quickly pausing it again as I realized I hadn't taken my Lupron shot yet.  If I hadn't of been so excited about a fertility nurse talking about how she helps make babies, I would have totally spaced it and missed my January dose! Thank goodness for The Bachelor. :)

I have been trying very hard to not complain about the side effects that come from Lupron, the injection that is treating my adenomyosis.  All I really care about is that it does what it is supposed to, the three months will quickly come to an end, and we can move forward with our journey.  The last month has definitely had it's challenges, mostly fighting strong migraines, hot flashes, exhaustion, and memory loss.  Sometimes I don't think I notice the memory loss as much unless I am at work.  I often find myself saying, "Now tell me how to do that again...", and there are post-its all over my desk throughout the day with reminders of tasks I need to get done during my day, and also things to do when I get home in the evening.  I will then put the post-its in my purse when I go home, and just hope that I can remember to get them out of my purse once I'm home.  ;)

My other big challenge has been the exhaustion--I want to be in my bed all the time! I love coming home from work, putting on my jams, and just climbing right in to bed.  No energy to clean, no energy to cook, no energy to leave my house, and no energy just to make it out to the couch.  All bed, all the time, sometimes falling asleep for 2-3 hours in the evening, just to go back to bed at 10 or 11 at night. 

Yes, the Lupron is giving me it's challenges, and yes it would be easier if I just didn't have to take it. But I remember (surprisingly) the quote, "Nothing worth having in life comes easy."  Isn't that the truth?  We are all faced with challenges everyday, some harder than others.  It's the way we tackle those challenges that can make us miserable, or remind us that it's just another hurdle to jump, ultimately getting us to the finish line. 

To all of our dear friends and family that have donated to our next cycle of IVF and/or shared our GoFundMe page, we have been so blessed and humbled by your love, support, and generosity.  Thank you!

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

You've Got Questions, We've Got Answers

One thing I have learned from battling infertility is that there are so many different decisions that have to be made and things change all of the time.  Some of the time, you have to make a decision quicker than you would like, or you are told that you can't move forward as you would have hoped, because something else needs to be treated before anymore action can be taken.  Curve balls, my friends.  There seems to be a curve ball around every corner, and you just need to learn how to hit that ball right out of the park. 

After much prayer and consideration, Kyhle and I have decided that we need to try in vitro fertilization (IVF) one more time.  This is not a decision that we have come to lightly.  We know it will take time, patience, and most of all, money.  We also know that this is what worked for us.  We were able to get pregnant on our first round, but unfortunately, since we didn't know about some other problems my body has, we lost that baby at 5 weeks. Now that we have found those underlying issues, and they are being treated, we know that this is the route we are supposed to take to become pregnant again.  

I know that many of you have questions, and some of you ask them, and some of you keep them to yourselves in fear of upsetting us or hurting our feelings.  I'd like to answer as many of those questions, as possible, to help our friends and family (and other readers) understand why we are choosing the IVF route over IUIs, adoption, or altogether stopping.  If you have questions, please feel free to ask. Kyhle and I have been incredibly open (possibly too open) with our process, and are happy to answer any questions you may have.  For now, I will answer the four biggest questions we get most often. If you have been one to ask or wonder, I do hope our answers help. 

Question 1: Why can't you just wait a few years?  You are still so young!

Answer 1: This is a valid question.  However, because of my limited quantity of eggs, I don't have a few years to wait.  Our doctor has given us the facts, and for us, it means that if we want to have biological children, it needs to happen now for it to happen at all.  I am at a high risk for early menopause, and once I run out of eggs, that's it.  Also, IVF is incredibly expensive--$15,000-$20,000.  I am blessed to still be under my parent's insurance just until I turn 26 in July.  That gives us 6 months from now.  With this insurance, IVF is half the price, costing around a total of $8,000.  This is why we need to act fast, and be as pro-active as possible. 

Question 2: Why don't you just adopt?

Answer 2:  First of all, you never just adopt.  Adopting isn't something you just go out and do.  Yes, adoption is very close to our hearts, and something we are very interested in pursing down the road.  However, since our church no longer has an adoption program, we now have to use a private agency, costing anywhere from $20,000-$30,000.  It is a long, grueling process, requiring much patience, faith, time, and energy.  You have to be completely ready to enter the adoption process, and we just aren't at that point yet.  Also, adopting is something that we don't have a time limit on.  We want to try everything we can to have biological children while we know it's still possible for us.  Once Kyhle graduates, we move and buy a home, if we still don't have children, we will start looking more seriously into adoption. 

Question 3: Why don't you just put it in God's hands? Don't you trust that if you're supposed to be parents, God will make you parents?

Answer 3: Us choosing to pursue fertility treatments has nothing to do with not trusting God.  In fact, it because of our faith in our Savior that we are able to continue on, and haven't given up.  We pray all of the time--we pray for strength, for healing, for patience, for guidance, and for peace.  We believe very strongly that Heavenly Father gave these doctors the skills and abilities to help treat couples battling infertility.  Why not use their skills and expertise?  One thing we love about Dr. Gentry is that he will be the first to say that he does his part, and the rest is up to God.  

Question 4: If you can't afford to pay for IVF, how do you think you can afford a baby at all?

Answer 4: I understand the concern behind this question.  Really, I do.  However, how often do you have to pay $10,000 out of pocket at one time for your new baby?  I don't know many couples who have that kind of money just laying around.  Saying a baby is expensive is an understatement.  If everyone had to pay $10,000 to even have a baby, no one ever would. We are faced with having to pay thousands of dollars just to get pregnant, on top of everything you pay once you have that child. 

Kyhle and I are doing what we can to make the IVF possible, but we know it's not something we can do alone.  After all of the medications and treatments we have done to get this far, we can't give up now.  We have the opportunity to try one more time while there's still time and coverage, and we have to take it.  I have one more month of my Lupron shot, and then it will be time to start the medications for the IVF cycle all over again.  

We are very humbly asking for your help in making our lifelong dream of becoming parents are reality.  We have set up a page at GoFundMe again.  They keep 5% of the profits, but it is the easiest way for our friends and family to donate with no hassle.  Any and every amount helps us get closer to our goal.  If you feel like donating isn't something you can do right now, but would like to help us, you can share our blog and our GoFundMe page with your friends, and help spread the word about our story.  Everything helps us, and everything you do means more to us that we could ever put in to words.  

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Thank you for helping us.  Thank you for being there for us, and for following us on our journey.  Thank you for loving us, and supporting us every step of the way.  Thank you for your prayers, your kind words, and your positive thoughts.  We are forever grateful.