Major

I am having a hard time grasping the fact that I am having major surgery in less than a month.  Did I mention it is major?  I am absolutely 100% terrified.  I wish I weren't so scared, and that I could feel comfortable and at ease with the whole situation.  I just don't know if that is even possible.  Friends have said, "Oh, don't be nervous, you'll do fine!"  "Why are you scared!?  It'll be so much better in the long run..."  Well, duh, I know it'll be better, that's why I am doing this.  But don't be scared?  You get your top lady parts chopped in half and let me know how you feel about it.  (Sorry, Mom.)  

What am I nervous and scared about?  I am terrified of staying the night in the hospital and being sick all night.  I am terrified of the risks my doctor told me about.  I am terrified of the amount of pain I will be in for a long time after surgery.  I am terrified something will go wrong.  I am nervous I won't be able to return to work when I planned, and I will lose more money with time off.  I am nervous if I do return to work on time, I will end up injuring myself even worse.  I am super nervous my surgery and recovery will interfere with the timing of the birth of my niece, and my mom will feel pressured to be with me and my sister.  Mom, Laura got pregnant before I scheduled my surgery.  She and the baby come first!  ;)

Why am I having the surgery done if I am so terrified of everything?  I know this procedure will change my life.  I know it will make me feel like a new person.  I know it will make my back, shoulders, neck and head feel much better.  I know it will give me the confidence and self-esteem boost I so badly need.  I know it will be better for my health.  I know it will be better for me.  

The pros out-weigh the cons.  

When going over the paperwork again tonight, (I have read it all about 500 times,) I read this line over and over...

"Avoid heavy lifting (over 10 pounds) for one month post-operatively.  This includes groceries and laundry baskets.  Also, limit arm movements which stretch or pull on the incisions.  Avoid activities that utilize the chest muscles, such as reaching overhead or vacuuming.  It also is useful to avoid bending over at the waist.  Otherwise follow your regular routine."

Regular routine?  Bending over at my waist, reaching overhead, lifting laundry baskets, vacuuming, heavy lifting...that is my regular routine! 

I was secretly hoping I would get pregnant this past month, (or this coming month,) so I could cancel the surgery.  No such luck.  

July 17, my friends.