Fourteen

As I've said many times, I have the privilege of working in a private daycare, and have built great relationships with each of "my kids."  We now have 14 kids, ages 8 weeks to 4 years.  This job has been both challenging and rewarding.  I am grateful I get to spend my days as a "mom" for all of the children there.   That's what I am doing.  I am a fill-in-mom for the day.  I (along with my co-workers) make breakfast, lunch and dinner, change diapers, do story times, sing songs, break up fights and try to make peace.  I teach them, comfort them and nurture them.  I am mom for the day.  

I don't know if anyone is more prepared to be a mom than I am.  This job has completely prepared me for that.  I think I am a professional diaper changer and multi-tasker.  I have mastered the art of eating while bouncing a baby on my lap.  I am skilled at getting lunch ready for 10 kids, while trying to entertain two babies in the kitchen with me.  I am talented at opening drawers with my feet, while making a bottle and holding the baby in my arms.  I know what I'm doing.  I know each of their schedules, each of their habits, each of their personalities.  I know when they are sick, and how to take care of them.  I know what they are allergic to, and how to treat their asthma.  I know how they like to be held when being rocked to sleep.  I know them.  All 14 of them.  

Even though I am not able to have my own babies (right now) I am grateful for the opportunity to take care of other women's babies, and make sure they are safe, loved and given the attention they need.  I have so much respect for all of the moms of my kids, and know they would much rather be with their babies during the day instead of at work.  I am the lucky one, because I get to spend my day with all of these children, who help fill an emptiness in my heart.  Each of them make me feel not only needed, but wanted. 

 I love getting to spend my days with them, even if they are not all good days.  They aren't all good days when you are a stay-at-home mom, either.  But each day has something new, and there is always a blessing that comes from it.  Until I can stay at home with my own babies, I am grateful to be blessed with the privilege of staying with each of my work babies.  

Unacceptable

Challenging.  Rough.  Difficult.  Exhausting.  Crummy.  Depressing.  Frustrating.  Sad.  

Blah.  

On my first post, I explained that this was a blog for me.  It has my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions.  Well, this week, and especially today, I am feeling "blah."  I try to stay as positive as possible, and not let this all bring me down, but you can only put on a smile for so long.  My smile is fading...at least for this week. 

I had an appointment with my OBGYN this morning.  She's great, and I really like her.  But today, she wasn't so great, and I didn't really like her.  Why?  Because she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.  I don't know why I was expecting anything different.  She's not going to magically make me become pregnant, though that would be fantastic.  A girl can dream, right?  When telling me I needed to get the "Whooping Cough vaccine," I told her I didn't think it was necessary because I'm not going to get pregnant.  She made me get it anyway.  Ha!

She then discussed IVF with me again, and asked me if that was the path we were wanting to choose to have a family.  I explained to her that we were more of the adoption route, which she totally supported, but then she started talking about how I would have great chances with IVF because I am young and in good health.  Well, thanks, but that doesn't change the fact that it costs $15,000!  

Here's the IVF breakdown:

Total cost - $14,857

Insurance covers - $4,032

NOT covered - $10,825

Okay, so when you look at it that way, it doesn't look so bad.  I think that would be about $2,000 more than adoption.  But, insurance will only cover that while I am still under my dad's.  Once I turn 26, I have to get back on my own, and we don't know what would be covered at the time.  She definitely got me to thinking.  Of course I want to be pregnant.  I've always wanted to be pregnant!  I've always wanted to experience what it is like to have your child growing inside of you, and have that connection.  I've always wanted to feel my baby kick.  I've always wanted to go through labor and delivery.  Crazy?  Very.  

Sometimes I just have to be sad.  I have to allow myself to let go and cry.  Just get it all out.  Tuesday morning, "she" arrived.  On time.  Not late, not early.  To top it all off, I went to a baby shower later that night.  It's a cruel world.  I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it through the whole thing. All the women around me were talking about their kids, and there were 3 adorable babies there, too.  I'm grateful I went, but it might be a while before I do that again.  

I was talking to my doctor today about some emotions, and she said something that really stuck out to me.  She told me that I am right in the middle of my battle with infertility.  I have done everything I can do.  Everything that I could fix, I fixed.  Everything I could change, I changed.  I've done my part.  

I keep thinking I have started to accept everything.  Then I log on to my Facebook, and someone new is announcing they are pregnant.  Or they are announcing if their baby is a boy or girl.  Or they are posting maternity pictures.  Or they are complaining about aches, pains, nausea.  (I'm not judging.)  Or they are posting pictures of their brand new babe.  I then realize I don't think I will ever accept it. 

 It's unacceptable.