One Week

It all started on Tuesday, October 21.  I left work at 12:30, waiting for the phone call with our test results.  I woke up that morning with a bad feeling, and I just felt like it was going to be a negative. Why not?  I've never had a positive, so why would this be any different, right?  I couldn't focus at work all morning, and I started trembling around 12:00.  I drove home, curled up on the couch, and stared at my phone.  I kept staring, staring, and staring.  I was watching Dancing With The Stars to try and distract myself, but it just wasn't working.  Then 2:45...the phone rang.  I looked down and saw the doctor's number and I immediately started crying.  I was terrified to answer.  

Me: Hello?

Maria: Hey, Rebecca!  How are you?

Me: I'm alright...how are you?"

Maria: It was positive, mommy!!

Cue the tears.  Man, I don't remember the last time I cried like that.  I was in complete shock.  I could barely talk to her, as I couldn't slow myself down from crying.  I just kept saying, "Are you serious? Are you sure?" She then proceeded to tell me that my levels were great and there was no denying the positive result.  She told me I would come back in two days for the 48 hour check up and make sure my numbers increase/double.  I told her thank you over and over again, hung up the phone, and sat on my couch in heavy tears for a good 15 minutes before I even called Kyhle.  The dogs were so confused why I was crying, so they were licking me, nudging me with their heads, and getting right in my face trying to make sure I was okay.  I swear they knew what was happening.  I then calmed myself down enough to call Kyhle. 

Kyhle: Hey...

Me: Hi, daddy!

Kyhle (in tears): Oh my gosh, are you serious?

Me (in tears): Yep!! It was positive!

Kyhle: Okay, I have to call you back!

I then texted my good friend who just gave birth to her beautiful twins via IVF, and called my best friend to let her know our news.  I was on cloud nine--I couldn't sit still.  Was this real? I waited and waited to tell my parents because I wanted to tell them in person with Kyhle and waited for him to get home at 6:30.  As soon as he walked in the door, we headed over to my parent's house.  My poor parents waited the entire day to find out our news.  As we walked in their front door, they were sitting at the table eating dinner.  They looked up at us with nervous faces, we smiled, I shrugged my shoulders, and said, "Well...I'm pregnant!"  I then started crying again and my parents jumped up and gave us huge, loving hugs.  It was the best feeling.  We sat with them and they told us they couldn't focus all day because they were just so anxious to find out.  Dad said he did yard work for 2 hours after work to help distract him.  Kyhle called his mom and step dad and shared our news with them, and there were happy tears all around. 

We then sent out a group text to my siblings, Aunt, Uncle and cousins.  It sure was fun to read their excited, happy responses.  My sister, Laura, called me in complete shock because she thought I wasn't finding out for another week! She was talking about how she was so excited to plan a baby shower for me, and how fun it would be to finally be able to shop for my own baby.  

"We don't know if it's a Yankees fan, or a Cardinals fan, but it is definitely a baby!" 

We left my parents and went to Olive Garden to celebrate.  We announced on Facebook our happy news, and we were shocked and happily surprised at the loving response from all of our friends and family.  We were truly amazed at the amount of support we had and how many people were following our story.  We love you! 

I just couldn't believe it.  We were pregnant.  We were having a baby.  After over four years of trying, 4 failed IUIs, 6 months of Clomid, many sleepless nights, surgery for endometriosis, 1 round of IVF with our one good embryo, it was time.  Our baby was in my tummy.  Kyhle spent the next few days rubbing my belly, kissing it, and we were talking about names, nursery ideas, and doing research on things I should and shouldn't eat.  It was baby time. 

I had more bloowork on Thursday, and they were looking for my levels to double.  They went from 32 to 51, so it was good they at least increased.  They told me that they would test me again on Monday and to stay cautious...

Monday morning I went in for my lab work.  I waited all day for another phone call, just like waiting for our answer the previous Tuesday.  Around 2:30 in the afternoon, the nurse called.  When I answered, I heard it in her voice. 

Whitney: Hey Rebecca...how are you?

Me: I'm okay...

Whitney:  Well, unfortunately your level dropped back down to 30.  

Me: Oh, okay...

Whitney:  I'm so sorry, but Dr. Gentry doesn't think this is a viable pregnancy.  

Me: Okay. 

Whitney:  We'll have you come back Wednesday and see if it drops again. 

Me: Okay. 

I left work immediately, and knew that my mom was home from work sick that day, so I went straight to their house.  It was a surprise to my mom when I walked in their door and yelled her name.  She came to the stairs, I told her the news, and we sat and talked.  My dad happened to come home from work early that day, so when he walked in and saw I was there, he knew something was wrong. I hated having to tell them.  I hated that it wasn't the news we were wanting to hear.  I hated that just like that, it was over.  

I then called the nurse back and asked a few more questions.  She told me they've seen crazy things happen, and there was a small chance my numbers could go back up, as that just happened to a patient a couple of weeks ago.  So we had a little more hope to hold on to.  We had to pray and have faith, and put it in Heavenly Father's hands.  I couldn't accept that it would be over.  I had to believe that it would still be okay.  

I got the call at 12 today--my level dropped again down to 11.  They told me to stop my progesterone support, and let the miscarriage happen naturally. That was it.  Our joyous, happy week came to an abrupt end.  We no longer had a reason to celebrate, just more heartache.  They said that they'll have me come in next Tuesday to meet with the doctor and we will discuss our next step and whether or not we should try IVF again...starting over from the beginning since we have no frozen embryos.  We will also discuss doing genetic testing to find out if my body can carry a pregnancy or find if there are any other hidden issues.  

We are heartbroken.  Kyhle and I went from our highest high to our lowest low.  It's amazing how quickly something can be taken away from you.  We have to believe there is a reason for all of this struggle, and we have to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.  But I can't help but feel a little angry and confused.  Why would I become pregnant and just carry my precious baby for one week?  Why would I be given such a strong, righteous desire to be a mommy ever since a I was a little girl, and then be given this specific trial?  I know there is a reason.  I just have to trust Heavenly Father that He will provide is his time. 

We will always cherish that one week of happiness.  That one week of pure joy and love for our sweet baby.  We will always carry that baby in our hearts and will never go a day without thinking about them, wondering if it was a son or a daughter, wondering if they would have been tan like daddy or pale like mommy. ;) Wondering what it would have been like to experience pregnancy, labor and delivery. We will always love our little June baby, and pray that someday, we will understand why we weren't able to raise them here on earth. 

We'll love you forever, little baby.   

It Takes Two, Baby

Transfer day has finally come and gone.  When we scheduled our IVF a couple of months ago, I felt like it seemed so far away and didn't want to wait any longer.  Then before we knew it, it was here.  The 11 days of injections flew by, the retrieval was done, we waited our 5 days for the eggs to grow to embryos, and now it was time.  

Kyhle and I were quite nervous for today, wondering how many of our embryos would be left to transfer and if we would be able to freeze any.  You see, on Friday, we got a call saying that out of our seven eggs, four of them fertilized.  They rate the embryos on a grading scale of 1-5, with 1 being the best quality.  One of our embryos was graded #1!  This was such great news to us!  The other three embryos were all grade 3--not horrible, but not great, either.  You can still transfer a grade 3, but odds are they won't stick.  We still had two days until transfer, so we were hopeful those three would progress a little further.  Unfortunately, you cannot freeze grade 3 embryos, so we were fearful this really would be our one chance. 

Kyhle took me on a fun little date last night to help distract me and boost my spirits.  We went to dinner at Smokey Bones, and then went to the mall to walk around and bought some candles and lotion at Bath and Body Works.  We then got some shakes at Steak and Shake, and came home and ended the night watching the Redbirds.  It was a pretty fun night, other than seeing the Cardinals lose to the Giants.  (We are watching game 2 now.)

When we arrived at the facility this morning, Dr. Gentry did not arrive until 9:15, so we just sat in our recovery room and took a little snooze for an hour.  When he walked in, he shared the news with us that the results were still the same as Friday--one grade #1, and three grade #3.  He told us the grade #1 was a perfect blastocyst and just what he wanted to see for transferring.  He let us know that we could decide if we wanted to go ahead and transfer one of the grade #3's just to take a chance and see if it would stick, and let us know that it would not take any chance away from our good embryo.  

So two it was.  I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to transfer all four just to give us the best chance possible of at least 1-2 sticking, especially since we couldn't freeze the rest.  It is very sad to me that those little embryos are just going to be thrown away.  After all our efforts to get them to grow and develop, I felt like that was a dagger to my heart.  

The transfer was quick and easy--just around 15 minutes long.  I had to lay flat in recovery for one hour, which was shear torture, as I had an incredibly full bladder.  They require you to drink 16-24 ounces of water so you can have a full bladder for the ultrasound, and I was so worried my bladder would explode on the table! The coolest part of the transfer was seeing the embryos on the ultrasound screen!  We watched them get placed right in to my uterus, and then we received a copy of the photo.  Kyhle was pretty giddy getting that little photo. I kissed it for good luck, and Kyhle has rubbed my belly a few times, saying, "Stick babies, stick!" :)  

We have just been resting at home the rest of today, and I am supposed to take it easy for two weeks--no lifting over 20 lbs, no exercise, no heavy housework.  I will be happy to go to work and come home to be lazy the rest of the night.  I was debating if I should go to work tomorrow or not, but I think I will be alright since I have a low-key job.  I am trying to save my PTO in case of  future baby appointments. :)

I know everyone is wondering, so we will be able to test in about two weeks.  In the fertility world, it is called the "two week wait".  It will be so hard to wait and wait, but I know that it will end up going by fast, just like the rest of the process.  We have waited four years, so I guess we can wait two more weeks. 

To be continued...

Lucky #7

As I lay here in my happy place on the corner of the couch, curled up with one dog at my feet, another on the floor in front of me, and my husband beside me, I am remind just how blessed I am to live such a healthy, happy life.  We live in a beautiful home, have loving families, loyal friends, and great jobs.  We have created so many wonderful memories in our four years of marriage so far, and I always look forward to adding more to the list.  I have always dreamt of being a mother.  As far back as I can remember, it was the one thing I have always wanted more than anything.  I remember making lists with my sisters of our favorite baby names when we were just kids; it is still one of my favorite things to do. 

With an incredible amount of help from our friends and families, Kyhle and I have been blessed with the opportunity to try in vitro fertilization, also known as IVF.  We knew it would be a long, hard process, filled with many ups and downs.  A month ago, I ordered all of my medications and received them in the mail a few days later.  We went to our IVF conference and met with the nurse about how to mix and administer all of the injections, and they gave me a calendar marked with the days and times I needed to take certain medications.  It was becoming more and more real.  Two weeks ago, I started taking the injections, Gonal-F and Menopur.  They are follicle stimulating hormones, and they create the follicles that "house" the eggs.  The doctor wants your follicles between 18-25 mm for retrieval.  The bigger the follicle, the better chance there is an egg inside.  Along the the injections, I also took Dexamethasone, which is a hormone suppressor, and Doxycycline, which is a strong antibiotic to help prevent me from getting sick.  I have also been taking Metformin for my insulin, and pre-natal vitamins, Magnesium, and Vitamin D.  

Over the last couple of weeks, I was monitored every couple of days with blood work and ultrasounds so they could watch the growth of my follicles.  We were feeling pretty discouraged, as my follicles weren't growing at the rate they had hoped, and I wasn't developing as many as they'd like to see.  On average, an IVF patient has 10 eggs for retrieval, but because of my low AMH levels, (I was born with fewer eggs than the average woman), my doctor was expecting we would get half of that.  My ultrasounds were showing that I only had 2 good size follicles, and 2 medium sized.  I was feeling concerned and down-in-the-dumps with my numbers, and really praying we would be able to somehow get some more follicles. Dr. Gentry decided to have me take my injections one more night to see if we could give them a boost and set my retrieval for Tuesday instead of Monday.  

My alarm went off at 1:45 Monday morning, and it was time for my HCG trigger shot.  This shot is given 36 hours before retrieval, and it triggers ovulation.  I climbed out of bed and went to the kitchen to get everything together.  This was the shot I was pretty terrified to give myself.  The needle is quite large and had to go in to my thigh.  I stood in the kitchen with the needle pointing at my leg for 20 minutes, and then finally went to wake Kyhle up to see if he would give it to me instead.  Of course he said no, so back to the kitchen I went.  I waited 10 more minutes and finally just did it!  It didn't hurt as bad as I was expecting and I was relieved it was over.  Unfortunately, I got so worked up over all of it that I couldn't fall back to sleep until 3:30, and I had to be up for work at 6.  :(

Then came Tuesday--today.  Kyhle and I left for the hospital around 12 PM and got all signed in for retrieval.  I was feeling extra nervous, which caused an uncomfortable amount of nausea and anxiety.  They took us upstairs and got me all hooked up to the IV and monitors.  This was more intense than I was thinking!  As my nurse walked us back in to the surgery room, my whole body was trembling.  I had in my head that this wouldn't be painful because I had pain meds through my IV.  Boy, was I wrong!  As soon as Dr. Gentry started his work, I was in tears.  There would be sudden, sharp amounts of pain and pressure that I had never felt before.  I am so grateful I had Kyhle by my side the whole time--he rubbed my head, held my hand, and wiped all of my tears.  I was crying from the pain, and then every time the nurse said "first egg!", "second egg!", "third egg!", I started sobbing more and more.  The best part? Seven eggs.  Seven!  I only had four follicles, but I had fluid in my ovaries and there were a few eggs hiding in there!  Dr. Gentry was so excited and just kept saying how pleased and surprised he was.  We never thought we would get seven eggs. 

Now we wait.  I will get a call tomorrow morning from the lab and they will let me know how many of our eggs fertilized and how many didn't survive.  Dr. Gentry says on average, 25% will not fertilize.  So far, we are scheduled for a day 5 transfer, which means they will put the embryos back to their "natural habitat" on Sunday.  I have tomorrow off work to stay home and rest all day, and hopefully will feel good enough to return Thursday.  They sent me home with pain and nausea medication, so I am hoping that will be all I need.  I am trying to save my PTO in case I get some pregnancy sickness. ;) We are so excited to see what happens next, and after finding our seven eggs, can't help but feel so hopeful and full of faith.  We know that this is a huge blessing from Heavenly Father, and know that He hears and answers prayers.  So for now, we keep praying, and keep believing in miracles.