Moving Forward

 I took a (small) break from writing on here because I was debating what I wanted to write about.  I won't go into details, but last week was a rough one.  Kyhle and I ended up staying home together from work last Wednesday.  I had quite the bad experience in the middle of the night on Tuesday, and was in horrible pain all day Wednesday and most of Thursday.  Kyhle actually went in to work, and during his meeting, his boss could tell something wasn't right with him. When he asked, Kyhle explained to him what had happened, and his boss's response was, "Is your wife still home?"  Kyhle replied, "Yes."  His boss said, "Go home.  You need to be with her today."  Kyhle and I were both so grateful he let him go home, and even more grateful that he was understanding enough that Kyhle didn't even have to ask.  Thank you, Eric.  I was able to get my shift covered last minute at my work, too.  Thank you, Val.  

So we move on, right?  I don't really like to call it "moving on."  I feel like that sounds like we are giving up, and I am not giving up.  I am just going forward to the next step.  I have been contemplating my "next step" for a long time now, and questioning if I am ready for it or not.  I have put it off for a long time, and feel like it is finally time to move forward and make some changes.  Changes?  Oh yeah!  I am a little shy to talk about it, but I have shared everything else with you all, and it'll be obvious someday soon anyway, so I may as well go ahead.

Kyhle and I visited with a plastic surgeon and had a consultation for a breast reduction.  Holy cow!  I'd say that's moving forward.  I was going to get one back in high school, but I scared myself out of it, and decided to wait until I was married and done having children.  Seeing as we have been unable to succeed at the having children part, I have decided I shouldn't put it off any longer, and go ahead with surgery.  I know it will be life changing, and make such a huge difference in my overall health and well-being, and for that, I am thrilled!  My paperwork has been submitted to insurance, and now we wait.  My doctor told me insurance would be crazy not to cover me because of all of the health issues and struggles I have had, and that there should be no problem getting it taken care of.  Insurance was going to cover it back in high school, and boy, do I need it more now than I did then!  

So we play the waiting game and will hopefully hear back from insurance within a couple of weeks.  After they (hopefully) accept, I will schedule surgery.  My goal is to get it done in June or July, while I have my daycare fully staffed with my college girls. :)  I will have to be out of work for one week, possibly two.  The hardest part will be not lifting over 20 lbs for 6 weeks!  I don't even know how I  can manage that at my job.  

Kyhle and I are both excited and ready for this next big step.  Well, I think I am more excited and ready than he is.  He had a couple of stipulations ;) 

Time to Travel

Yes, according to the doctor today was the day I could take a home test.  People kept asking when I was going to test and to keep them posted.  I kept telling them I would probably wait a few days, until I was actually late (Wednesday.)  Well, just like my mom told me, I wasn't able to wait.  First thing at 6 am this morning...negative.  Remember how much I hate that word?  I hate it even more at 6 in the morning.  So I didn't start my day off in the best mood.  Unfortunately I cried my entire way to work, along with a couple of times during the day.  That's really nothing new, as I have been an emotional wreck the past couple of weeks.  I should have waited until I was officially late like I originally planned, but of course I had to check right away.  Obviously I will test again in a few days, but I think I have already told myself I'm not pregnant.  

I really hate saying that.  I'm not pregnant.  It's such a horrible, terrible, depressing, unfortunate statement.  I have said it each month for almost three years, and I was (am) really hoping I wouldn't have to say it this month.  I understand there's a slight chance that's not the case this month, but it sure feels like it.  

I worry I am becoming that girl.  The girl that really hates being around other pregnant women.  As happy as I am for them, I just don't want to be around them.  No offense to all of my pregnant friends and family members--I love you all and wish you the best with your journeys, and am so grateful you all have the amazing opportunity to be mommies.  But it's hard for me to see the bellies.  I really want that round belly (for the right reason! :)) It is by far my biggest challenge to not feel envious of you all.  I am noticing I don't want to go places that I know there will be multiple pregnant women.  It's just too much sometimes.  I don't like going to Buy Buy Baby anymore, as it just makes me sad that I am not preparing for my sweet baby.  I have noticed my job is starting to make me a little sad.  Being around the sweet children and babies all day is just making me yearn for my own bundle of cuddles. 

The hardest part of it all...no more fertility treatments.  Kyhle and I have decided this would be our last try.  It costs a lot of money to not get the result you want, and it has taken quite an emotional toll.  So that's it.  I have to start accepting and realizing that becoming pregnant just may not happen for me.  I have to realize that I may become a mommy through another woman.  I also have to realize that it is going to be quite a while before that can happen.  I think that's what is the hardest to accept.  We just can't afford adoption, nor are we ready and prepared for that kind of journey.  We are at least going to wait until Kyhle graduates (one more year) and then see where we end up moving after school.  

Next month will mark a year since my endometriosis diagnosis.  We really thought after finding that out and treating it, that it would be our time.  What a year it has been!  I think it's time for a nice break.  It's time to get away, and just be with my sweet husband for a while.  It's time for us to have time to just enjoy each other and the beauty around us.  It's time for a getaway.  Yeah...I think that sounds right. Our third anniversary is just around the corner.  New York?  South Carolina?  Tennessee?  Georgia?  Michigan?  It's time to travel away from the world of infertility drugs and sadness.  

That Was Fast!

The plan was to do the IUI procedure either the end of this week or the beginning of next.  I made my work schedule according to plan, and was prepared for that.  Well, looks like my body had other plans!  I went to my check up this morning to check on my follicles.  Sadly, one of my follicles disappeared like last time, but my other one grew faster than they had expected.  They want the follicle at 18 mm.  Last Wednesday, they were 6 mm and 7 mm, and they usually grow about 1 mm a day.  If that were the case, it would have only been 11-12 mm today.  Nope...18!  My nurse says to me, "Did you bring your HCG with you today?"  Well no, I wasn't planning on triggering today.  She told me we were going to have to do the IUI tomorrow and I needed to get my trigger shot asap.  I went home, picked up my medicine, went back to the doctor, and she gave me my shot.  I will go back in tomorrow at 8 am to do the IUI.  

As I said before, one of my follicles disappeared, just like last time.  I know they say that it is normal, and isn't a bad thing, but I still was sad to hear that.  The one follicle gave me a better chance at success.  It gave me a little more hope this whole thing could possibly work.  As she was doing my ultrasound, I looked and looked for the little black circle.  Nothing.  So she was like, "Hmm, maybe it's just hiding!"  Nope, not there.  Sarah (my nurse) reminded me that it was completely normal for one to disappear, and that all it takes is one to get that baby.  I just have to keep reminding myself that now. 

I'm not quite sure why, but I am feeling nervous this time around.   I was nervous last time, but it feels different.  I don't at all want to be a Debbie Downer, but if it didn't work last time, why would it work this time?  I keep asking myself that, but yet I am still going ahead with it, so I must believe it could happen.  

Kyhle's birthday is April 22, and I've got a HUGE surprise planned for him that whole weekend.  It would be totally awesome if we could have some good news for an even better surprise.