Focus

Sometimes when I write on here, I never know what I am going to say.  I just write as it comes to my mind.  I guess that's why it's my online journal.  I'll start by saying my dream was in fact a nightmare, as it did not actually happen.  I also must admit I had my hopes up on Christmas Eve, and when nothing happened, my hopes went even higher.  Then nothing happened Christmas morning and I was starting to think, "Oh my gosh!  What if this could be the month?"  Then afternoon came, and no, it was not the month.  Oh, well! 

I know I say this all the time, but I am so grateful for a strong, happy marriage.  So many couples get torn apart from fertility struggles, and disagreements on treatments.  Sometimes I am blown away by the amount of people who say, "How is your marriage holding up?"  Really?  I find it so sad that many marriages end in divorce because it becomes too much to handle, and couples end up blaming each other.  Knowing that it's my "fault" we haven't had a baby, I can't imagine how I would feel if Kyhle blamed me for it.  I couldn't imagine if I didn't have his love, support, and encouragement.  

Last night on our way home from Christmas with the family, Kyhle and I had such a good conversation.  I love those!  I won't go into details of our conversation, but one thing he said was the best thing I have ever heard.  "I just want to focus on us starting our family.  That's what is important to me right now."

Music to my ears, making my heart flutter! 

By the way...I am watching

"What to Expect When You're Expecting" 

Christmas List

Last night I had an amazing dream.  It was the perfect dream and felt so real.  

Then I woke up. 

Here's what happened:

It was Christmas Eve.  I was curious, so I took a pregnancy test.  Positive.  What!? Positive?  I took 5 more.  All positive.  This can't be.  I've never had a positive test, in over 2 years.  I took 5 more!  All positive.  Okay, officially the best Christmas ever.  On Christmas morning, I went ahead and took another test, and of course, it was positive.  I hid the test in Kyhle's stocking. (Gross, I know!)  He dumped out his stocking, found the test, looked at me in shock, and broke down into tears.  Like I said, best Christmas ever.  We then were too excited to wait, so we announced it to our families.  We got to Skype with his brother on a mission, and told him over the computer. Then we skyped with all of my out-of-state siblings, and told them the news.  Again, like I said, best Christmas ever. 

I must say, I was pretty bummed when I woke up to find that whole amazing day was just a dream.  Or should I say a nightmare, since it didn't really happen. Bummer.

So it was a rough night.  But today at work almost made up for it.  I had a great day!

I had three little girls (who are family,) and a little boy for the first couple of hours today.   We had so much fun!  They were all being so well behaved, and I was remembering why I am so grateful for my job.  As we were doing story time, they were sitting quietly on the floor all getting along.  I then heard "Grown Up Christmas List" come on the radio quietly in the background.  I started softly singing along with the song, and one of the little girls, 3 years old, started swaying back and forth, while her twin sister hummed along with me.  This may be corny, but it was a little magical, and I started to tear up a little bit.  (Laugh all you want.)

Then the song "All I Want For Christmas is You" came on.  I jumped up, turned it loud, and we had an epic dance party.  It was the best!  My four little kiddos and I all danced around the room together, laughing, clapping, and trying to sing along.  It was one of the best moments I've had with my "students."  I kept looking at all of them, and telling myself over and over again how lucky I am to be their teacher, and how blessed I am to have each of them in my life.  I need to remember that on our rough days.  Days when they are struggling to listen and obey.  Days when they are on my last nerve.  Days when all I want to do is go home to some peace and quiet.  

I will always cherish today with my students, and will forever remember how much fun we had singing, dancing, clapping and laughing.  Their laughter and little personalities fill my heart with so much joy, and I love each of them.  They will always have a special place in my heart.  

No more lives torn apart

That wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts

Everyone would have a friend

And right would always win

All love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list

-Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant

Miserably Happy!

The more I write on this blog, the more friends I have telling me their stories about their journey in trying to have a baby, and what they went through/are going through.  It's amazing to me how many women struggle with this.  Kyhle and I had a long talk about it all last night, and discussed our journey, while also talking about different friends of ours who have or haven't struggled.  While speaking in general terms (not specifically about me), he said something that really stood out.

"Look, you can either be miserable and have no baby, or you can be happy and have no baby.  Either way, you still don't have a baby.  Being miserable about it isn't going to change that."  

Choose to be happy.  Choose to love life, and love my family and friends I am blessed with.  I don't want to be that miserable woman who is always complaining, and worse...always angry.  I don't want to be angry.  I've been that woman.  I've been the angry, miserable, complainer.  It's not worth it, and doesn't change anything.  

By choosing to be happy and thankful for what I am blessed with, it makes the journey more tolerable.  It also makes me realize how much I do have, and all we are blessed with.  Am I happy every day?  Of course not!  I still can have my angry, miserable, complaining days, but I choose to make those on a rare occasions.  Progress! :)

(Maybe today has just been a really good day)

Figure It Out

I have been contemplating what to write on here for the past week.  I had an appointment with my fertility specialist last Thursday, and I have been wanting to talk about it.  I know people are curious to know what happened.  I think I just didn't really want to talk about it.  Or I just felt like I didn't know how to talk about it.  Or I felt like I didn't want to think about it.  

Some days I just feel so bitter and like I must be horrible to be around.  I think that's why I try to stay out of the spotlight.  I stay away from activities and people.  Then other times, I feel like I can be positive, happy, and upbeat.  Well which is it today?  I'll let you know when I find out! 

Stop reading now if you don't want details, or are not interested in reading a long, drawn-out post.  

Okay...

My appointment was somewhat of a flop.  Sometimes I just feel so incredibly frustrated with my doctor.  I feel like he is just in his career for the money.  He wants everyone to choose IVF, and if they don't, he doesn't give them his best attention and support.  Frustrating.  Basically, we talked about what he would want me to do if we were to choose the IVF route, and told me I need to get my body healthy and ready.  I totally agree with that.  Even without doing IVF I agree with that.  He recommended me to a Dietitian, and I have made an appointment for next week.

We then talked about a different option that I have.  Did he bring this option up to me?  Of course not.  Why?  Because it doesn't pay him as much money.  (At least that's how I feel about it.)  It is a 3-week course of injections I will give myself into my stomach to stimulate my hormones (FSH.)  It is basically a steroid shot to vamp up my engines.  After the 3 weeks, they would then do Artificial Insemination, also known as IUI.  I won't go into the details of an IUI, as you can just look it up if you are really interested!  

Here are some stats for us personally

IVF success: 65-75%

IUI success: 35-45%

IVF would cost: $11,000

IUI would cost: $350

No, we are not going to do IVF.  At least not for like 10 years.  It's just not right for us right now.  But the FSH/IUI...how could I say no to that?  It is a very reasonable option, and it's a chance for us to be pregnant, and me to experience child birth.  Maybe.  If it's successful.  One of the reasons I am hesitant is because I don't want the feeling of being crushed if it doesn't work.  I would go through that month of giving myself shots that will make me a severely crazy, hormonal, and miserable-to-be-around woman.  Then I would have this procedure thinking the whole time that "we" are creating a baby.  What if we don't?  What if the procedure fails and then we have no baby and are out $350?  Is it worth it? 

My sweet Kyhle has been amazing throughout the past year.  We saw a specialist a year ago in January.  What a year it has been for us.  I always apologize to Kyhle and tell him I know he didn't sign up for this.  He just wants to be young, in love, and enjoying married life.  Yet, here he is with a 23 year old wife who is constantly in tears, depressed, and can't watch anything with babies/birth/adoption/infertility without bursting into tears.  I have very happy days, and I have very sad days.  I talk about babies, and what we can do to have our baby all the time.  I try to keep it inside and just hold my tongue about things, but then it just gets that much worse.  

I don't know how to let go.  We said we would think about the FSH/IUI procedure, and take some time to talk about it.  I don't want to take time.  I want to just do everything we can, as much as possible.  But my sweet husband needs time.  He needs a break.  I think about how this changes my life so much.  I think about the challenges this has given me, and the stress is has brought to my life.  People do not understand what it is like, unless they have been through it.  But I don't understand what it is like for my husband.  I don't understand how he is feeling.  All I know is I can't have babies.  I am holding him back from becoming a daddy.  I have something wrong, and the doctors can't figure out what it is.  Why does it seem especially hard around the Holidays? 

I want to figure it out.  For me and my husband.  

Fourteen

As I've said many times, I have the privilege of working in a private daycare, and have built great relationships with each of "my kids."  We now have 14 kids, ages 8 weeks to 4 years.  This job has been both challenging and rewarding.  I am grateful I get to spend my days as a "mom" for all of the children there.   That's what I am doing.  I am a fill-in-mom for the day.  I (along with my co-workers) make breakfast, lunch and dinner, change diapers, do story times, sing songs, break up fights and try to make peace.  I teach them, comfort them and nurture them.  I am mom for the day.  

I don't know if anyone is more prepared to be a mom than I am.  This job has completely prepared me for that.  I think I am a professional diaper changer and multi-tasker.  I have mastered the art of eating while bouncing a baby on my lap.  I am skilled at getting lunch ready for 10 kids, while trying to entertain two babies in the kitchen with me.  I am talented at opening drawers with my feet, while making a bottle and holding the baby in my arms.  I know what I'm doing.  I know each of their schedules, each of their habits, each of their personalities.  I know when they are sick, and how to take care of them.  I know what they are allergic to, and how to treat their asthma.  I know how they like to be held when being rocked to sleep.  I know them.  All 14 of them.  

Even though I am not able to have my own babies (right now) I am grateful for the opportunity to take care of other women's babies, and make sure they are safe, loved and given the attention they need.  I have so much respect for all of the moms of my kids, and know they would much rather be with their babies during the day instead of at work.  I am the lucky one, because I get to spend my day with all of these children, who help fill an emptiness in my heart.  Each of them make me feel not only needed, but wanted. 

 I love getting to spend my days with them, even if they are not all good days.  They aren't all good days when you are a stay-at-home mom, either.  But each day has something new, and there is always a blessing that comes from it.  Until I can stay at home with my own babies, I am grateful to be blessed with the privilege of staying with each of my work babies.  

Unacceptable

Challenging.  Rough.  Difficult.  Exhausting.  Crummy.  Depressing.  Frustrating.  Sad.  

Blah.  

On my first post, I explained that this was a blog for me.  It has my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions.  Well, this week, and especially today, I am feeling "blah."  I try to stay as positive as possible, and not let this all bring me down, but you can only put on a smile for so long.  My smile is fading...at least for this week. 

I had an appointment with my OBGYN this morning.  She's great, and I really like her.  But today, she wasn't so great, and I didn't really like her.  Why?  Because she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.  I don't know why I was expecting anything different.  She's not going to magically make me become pregnant, though that would be fantastic.  A girl can dream, right?  When telling me I needed to get the "Whooping Cough vaccine," I told her I didn't think it was necessary because I'm not going to get pregnant.  She made me get it anyway.  Ha!

She then discussed IVF with me again, and asked me if that was the path we were wanting to choose to have a family.  I explained to her that we were more of the adoption route, which she totally supported, but then she started talking about how I would have great chances with IVF because I am young and in good health.  Well, thanks, but that doesn't change the fact that it costs $15,000!  

Here's the IVF breakdown:

Total cost - $14,857

Insurance covers - $4,032

NOT covered - $10,825

Okay, so when you look at it that way, it doesn't look so bad.  I think that would be about $2,000 more than adoption.  But, insurance will only cover that while I am still under my dad's.  Once I turn 26, I have to get back on my own, and we don't know what would be covered at the time.  She definitely got me to thinking.  Of course I want to be pregnant.  I've always wanted to be pregnant!  I've always wanted to experience what it is like to have your child growing inside of you, and have that connection.  I've always wanted to feel my baby kick.  I've always wanted to go through labor and delivery.  Crazy?  Very.  

Sometimes I just have to be sad.  I have to allow myself to let go and cry.  Just get it all out.  Tuesday morning, "she" arrived.  On time.  Not late, not early.  To top it all off, I went to a baby shower later that night.  It's a cruel world.  I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it through the whole thing. All the women around me were talking about their kids, and there were 3 adorable babies there, too.  I'm grateful I went, but it might be a while before I do that again.  

I was talking to my doctor today about some emotions, and she said something that really stuck out to me.  She told me that I am right in the middle of my battle with infertility.  I have done everything I can do.  Everything that I could fix, I fixed.  Everything I could change, I changed.  I've done my part.  

I keep thinking I have started to accept everything.  Then I log on to my Facebook, and someone new is announcing they are pregnant.  Or they are announcing if their baby is a boy or girl.  Or they are posting maternity pictures.  Or they are complaining about aches, pains, nausea.  (I'm not judging.)  Or they are posting pictures of their brand new babe.  I then realize I don't think I will ever accept it. 

 It's unacceptable. 

Why Wait?

Making the decision to adopt is not one that comes lightly.  You don't just say, "Okay, well we've been trying for a little while with no luck.  Let's just adopt!" It doesn't work that way.    

There are a lot of prayers said.  All day.  Every day.  I feel like that's all I do now!  I will be driving to work in the morning, and say prayers out loud asking Heavenly Father if it is the right path for us.  I will say a silent prayer during my shower, asking for answers.  Kyhle and I pray together every night, and always pray for guidance in what we should do, and the path we should choose.  

I have always been interested in adoption, especially a child of a different race.  After my brother and his wife adopted their first baby, Gwen (who is now a beautiful 8 year old), I have always thought about that possibility.  I wonder now if that was Heavenly Father's way of telling me back then that adoption would be my way of having children.  I have great examples in my life of couples who have adopted, and I love seeing the way it has blessed not only their lives, but also the life of that innocent child.  

Yes, we have only been married and trying for a baby for 2 years.  Some people may think that we should wait another 2-3 years before we even think about adoption.  Why wait?  

I had a great chat with my sister-in-law, Jeri, the other night.  She called me one evening after I got off work, and left me the sweetest voice mail.  I love how some people call right when it's needed the most.  I called her back the next night, and we talked for a long time about adoption-- the process, the paperwork, the cost, etc.  When they lived in Southern California, she and my brother were representatives for Families Supporting Adoption, a group sponsored by LDS Services.  Plus, they adopted 3 of their 4 through LDS Services, as well.  She was full of so much helpful information!  I am so grateful to her for being so supportive, and willing to help.  

She explained to me that if we are serious about it, and know we want to adopt, to start the process right away.  She then told me that it takes a minimum of 6-8 months just to get approved, but it usually takes a year for most couples.  There are so many different interviews, background checks, fingerprints, paperwork, and home inspections.  She mentioned that you pay some of the money up front, to help pay for the home inspections and interviews, and then the rest you pay when you have been placed with a baby.  She helped me understand that it is a long, overwhelming process, and it takes so much patience and faith to get through everything.  After you have been approved, you could get a call any day.  As soon as your profile is up on the church website, the birth mothers have access to it, and can contact you right away.  You could be placed with a baby in a week, or you could still have to wait another 2-5 years.  

I don't want to try for another 2 years, then start the process, take a year to get approved, then have the possibility of not being placed with a baby for another 1-3 years.  I would say yes tomorrow! I have been waiting to be a mommy since I was baby-sitting at 12 years old.  There is nothing I want more in this world.  Yes, I want a big family.  But if I could be blessed with that one, special baby, I would be eternally grateful.  

I have already started driving myself crazy!  I have read every profiles of the couples/families trying to adopt that are in the 20-25 age range, and I have started reading some of the other couples.  How do you not compare yourself to them?  How do you tell yourself it's not a competition?  Heavenly Father is the one who makes those decisions.  He is the one who places that baby with you.  When it is the right birth mother and the right baby, you will know, and you will be blessed.

"Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstances.  He hears your prayers.  He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations.  And He knows what you can become through faith in Him."

- Jeffrey R. Holland

  

Pressure

I have had so many of you wonderful people give us the nicest compliments, and such awesome support.  For that, we are grateful.  For that, we love you!  

I have heard a few times recently that Kyhle and I have such good attitudes, and are staying so strong and positive throughout this difficult trial.  I don't think any couple can make it through without thinking positive and having strong faith, with a good attitude.  I think it would be impossible.  But, I definitely do not have a good attitude everyday.  I have my bad days.  My mood swings.  My "I feel sorry for myself" days.  I feel pressured.  Then I think of other people in my life who have experienced much more difficult trials, and I am humbled.  How grateful I am that I am only 23 years old and in good health.  How grateful I am that I have such a loving, faithful, and supportive husband that I love to spend time with.  

Kyhle has been right there by my side through all of our infertility heartache.  Obviously he wants a child more than anything in this world.  If it were up to him, we would have 9 kids and start our own baseball team!  (Sorry to disappoint, honey!)  But it has taken a different toll on me.  I feel guilty.  I feel like it's my fault we don't have a baby yet.  

For the last 18 months, I have been a faithful at "temping", taking ovulation tests, and recording every little detail each month.  I know it has been hard on Kyhle and definitely puts pressure on him.  I also know it has (sadly) kind of taken the "romance" away.  Since I hit my four month post-surgery mark, I have been feeling a little more stressed and losing a little more hope.  Definitely feeling much more pressured.  

As we were on our date last night, I told Kyhle I wanted to stop "trying."  Music to his ears!  I am going to stop taking my temperature every morning, stop taking ovulation tests, and stop recording every little detail.  How long will that last?  I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband and family.  I want to enjoy upcoming events, and an upcoming vacation.  I don't want to be stressed out about what cycle day I am on, and how much time we are going to have.  I want to take the pressure away.  

Yes, I am still going to be obsessed with babies.  I always have been.  Always will be.  I will still write on here all the time and let you know how we are doing, and what kind of mood I am in.  

As I reached onto my bedside table this morning to grab my thermometer, I stopped myself.  Was it hard to not take and record my temperature?  Absolutely.  Is it going to be a challenge for me to let go and stop wondering what else I can do differently?  Absolutely.  Is it going to take the pressure away?  Let's hope!  Is it going to bring the romance back to our lives?  That's for me to know and you to never find out! ;)

Time Table

The dreaded four month mark.  

It has arrived.  This is the point we were hoping and praying wouldn't come.  Granted, I am still 1 week away from the exact mark, but still.  Just sayin'.  

Here's a little recap...

After my surgery and discovering the endometriosis, my doctor was expecting we would successfully get pregnant within 2-4 months.  If we are not by the the four months, then we "most likely will not be able to conceive on our own."  

Yes, we are definitely going to keep trying, and do what we can to get pregnant, but we have decided to start planning and preparing for the adoption process.  

Adoption!  

We just really started this weekend, but Kyhle and I have been doing a lot of research and reading about the whole process.  The steps, the price, the challenges, the home inspections.  We are not going to be able to start the paperwork right away, but we are getting ready and doing the things needed to be able to get approved.  

Kyhle and I are excited about this blessing in our lives.  Last night, we were reading profiles of all of the couples in the 20-25 age range trying to adopt through LDS Family Services.  I really loved reading the success stories, and the stories of why they chose to adopt. We answered the questions to see if we would qualify, and were happy to see that indeed we do!  

As of right now, the plan is for Kyhle to take the LSAT over Christmas break.  Then he will start applying to law school as soon as he gets his scores.  Hopefully we will know by next summer where we are going to "end up."  We will then start the full process of applications and paperwork.  He will graduate from IUPUI in December of 2013.  We feel like it would be best to continue saving over the next 6-9 months, and then start the paperwork, the summer before he graduates and we head to grad school.  

My fear is that it could take 2-3 years to even be chosen by a birth mother.  That is why I really want to start the process now.  But I know it is the best decision to continue saving and working toward that goal.  Then if it does take 2-3 years, we will be more than ready for that sweet little baby.  Or, if it takes 1-2 months, it will be perfect!  

Who knows?  Maybe we will be pregnant in the next few months.  

Heavenly Father's time table is perfect.  

"God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has.  But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream.  In short, He can't if you don't believe."

 - Jeffrey R. Holland

Made For Me!

This could quite possibly be my new favorite movie.  It could become my "Runaway Bride."

"What To Expect When You're Expecting"

Kyhle and I saw it in theaters, and, of course, I immediately fell in love with it.  I checked online for when it would be released on Blu ray/DVD and I have literally been counting down ever since.  For the last week, I kept saying to Kyhle, "Three days!  Two days!  Tomorrow!"  As soon as I got off work yesterday, I went to Target and bought myself a treat. 

I enjoyed watching it tonight, probably more than I did in the theater.  I loved being curled up on my couch, underneath my soft blanket, able to cry as much, (and as loud) as I wanted. Kyhle came home from school halfway through the movie, so he finished it with me.  He walked back in to the room during one of the scenes, and I looked up at him with tears streaming down my face.   I feel like this movie was made just for me.  I love it! 

Enjoy this trailer! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdNxmNGJ364

Now if only I were expecting...

(I'm not.)

The Heart's Greatest Desire

Five days late. 

Then I wake up this morning, and what do ya know? There she is. 

I texted my mom and my sisters because they were all waiting to find out if I would be pregnant or if I was just really late.  

"I'm sorry about your period.  Another delay of your heart's greatest desire.  Hope is one thing there always is." -Mom

Of course I was crazy bummed this morning, and wanted nothing but to stay in bed all day and be sad.  But, off to work I went.  While driving to work, I had severe cramps, causing me to hold my stomach and take long, deep breaths.  I figured they would just go away in a couple of minutes, and it would just be a crummy first day with cramps, bloating, and mood swings.  Wrong!  My cramps and pains continued throughout the morning at work, but different than I've felt before.  They were also accompanied with horrible lower back pain, headaches, dizziness and nausea.  (TMI alert!!) Everything felt different to me this morning, and I had a feeling something was up.  

I ended up leaving work early, and calling my fertility doctor to talk to them about my symptoms.  The nurse had me come in to take a blood test, wondering if I was having a miscarriage.  

Miscarriage?  

So not only is it taking me 2 years to get pregnant, but when I do (or at least we think I did) get pregnant, my body won't carry it? I'm not liking the way this is going...

I went home after the doctor, changed in to my PJs, curled up on the couch, and just cried.  For a while.  I didn't really know what to think.  All I want is a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  

A few hours later, my nurse called with the test results...

Chemical Pregnancy

What the heck is a chemical pregnancy!? 

They say it is indeed conception, just a very early miscarriage, at 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, they don't do anything for a CP, and they are quite common.  She said most women don't even know they've had one, because they often happen before a positive pregnancy test, which was my case.  I was just able to find out that's what happened because I pay such close attention to my cycles and symptoms.  

I am grateful I didn't have a positive pregnancy test, because it would have given me time to get my hopes up and be so excited.  But, it's still hard.  Still a bummer.  Still sad.  Still frustrating.  Still a failed pregnancy.  

I have taken the day off tomorrow to take it easy, get some rest, and have time to myself. I'm grateful for all the love you all have shown us through phone calls, emails, texts, Facebook, etc.  It means the world to both Kyhle and myself.  We'll be okay.  It'll take time to not be sad anymore, but we'll be okay.  I definitely love my husband.  

Keep trying! ;)

Someone

It seems as though everyone is pregnant these days.  

Yes, everyone. 

Or is it just that I notice it so much more now that I want it so badly?  

Nope.

Everyone is pregnant.  

As I am typing this, a family member is in the hospital ready to have her sweet baby boy.  Right now! 

I told you...

Everyone.

Here's the thing though-- I'm so incredibly happy for each one of you lucky ladies.  Sincerely!  What a fun, exciting, challenging time in your lives.  I am jealous of you, but I am grateful each of you get your cuddle bugs.  How awesome! 

I want to hear all about your journey through pregnancy, your funny stories, your worries, your fears.  I want to hear all about it.  You obviously have each taken time out of your busy lives to read about our journey, so I would love to hear about yours.  Please don't leave me out just because you are worried I can't hear about it.  But, please be sensitive, as well.  Not everyone knows your story, and when they do, most of them can't really relate.  But that doesn't mean we can't be there for one another.  It doesn't mean we can't support each other, and just give a listening ear.  

A friend of mine just found out she and her boyfriend are expecting their first child together. They have been together for years, just have never gotten married.  She wasn't sure she ever wanted kids and she is crazy scared and still feeling un-easy about all of this, as she was really wanting to be married before they started a family.  She was putting off taking a pregnancy test because she didn't want to find out.  She broke down to me one day about all of this, and kept telling me it wasn't a happy time, it wasn't joyous.  

Yes, it was difficult for me to listen to her and be there for her.  But I did it.  Later that night, she sent me a text saying she got her positive test and told her boyfriend.  He was more excited about it than she was (at that point), but she was still in shock.  She then thanked me for being there for her and letting her vent.  

Sometimes that's just what we need.  

Someone to listen.  Someone to be sensitive to our feelings.  Someone to support us.  Someone to encourage us.  Someone to tell us, "It'll all be okay."

You Know!

I sure have been slackin' since my last post.  Obviously not much news on the baby front.  I still feel the same.  

Anxious to get that positive pregnancy test.  Anxious to announce to all of my family and friends that we are having a baby.  Anxious to to have morning sickness (actually, looking forward to it!).  Anxious to pee all the time.  Anxious to get fat, and have an excuse!  

Anxious.  

Tonight I received a text from my sister, Laura...

Laura: "Hope you guys have enjoyed your Anniversary!  Did you find out one way or the other yet?"  

 Me: "Find out what?"

Laura: "You know!" 

Me:  "Don't worry.  I'll keep you posted!" 

I guess she's anxious, too! :)

Happy 2nd Anniversary to my sweetheart.  I love you, Kyhle!  Someday, you will make the best daddy any kid could ask for!  

I promise!  

Enjoy!

I feel like I have been slackin' on my writing!  I think I feel like you all are now just waiting to find out when we will have "big news," and I just don't really have much to say right now.  

Except no big news.  As of this morning, a week early...

Depressing. 

I have totally been down-in-the-dumps today.  Kind of like, "Alright, that's one month down...now what?"  Keep trying!  That's what!  (And have fun during the process! :)) Today has also been rough because my cramps are back.  I didn't have them at all last month, so having them today is frustrating.  But, thankfully, they aren't what they used to be, so that's good.  

I had a nice long phone call with my brother about a week ago.  As I have said previously, he and his wife have 4 amazing children, all through the blessing of adoption.  Something he told me in that chat was that my sister-in-law, Jeri, says that while they were going through the whole process, she wishes she wouldn't have just focused on babies, babies, babies all the time.  She wishes she would have just kind of "accepted" the fact that they weren't getting pregnant right away, and enjoy their marriage more.  I can definitely see what she is saying, and completely agree.  Except that is much easier said than done.  I have really been trying lately to not just focus on it all the time, and really enjoy my Kyhle.  Plus, my job has been pretty stressful the last few weeks, so I'm okay that it didn't happen this month.  

But definitely hoping it's not too far away.

Looking back (almost) 2 years, yes, I think we were crazy for trying so soon to have a baby.  But with our second anniversary coming up, I am so grateful for the fabulous 2 years we have had together.  We have been so blessed to be able to do some travelling, exploring, and just enjoy dating each other.  That is so important in a marriage.  Especially those first couple of years.  

That's my goal. For the next few months, I am going to enjoy my husband.  Enjoy our time.  Enjoy our families. Enjoy the beautiful weather.  Enjoy our pups.  Enjoy our friendships.  Enjoy my marriage.  Enjoy upcoming celebrations.  

Enjoy life! 

High Hopes

Well I haven't updated you faithful readers in a while -- here it goes! 

We had my final post-op appointment last week with Dr. Carnovale.  The super cool part was watching the DVD of my surgery and seeing what my endometriosis actually looked like and exactly where it was at.  He kept saying, "This is your right ovary, this is your left ovary..."  "These are your fallopian tubes.."  Some areas of endometriosis were worse than others, as some of it was older, and some of it was just starting out.  He also told us that I had a cyst on one of my fallopian tubes, and they were able to get rid of that, as well. 

Good News!!

Dr. Carnovale told us that they were able to laser all of my endometriosis, and because of my young age and overall good health, he feels really good about our chances of getting pregnant within the 3-4 months.  He also said if we aren't pregnant by month 4, we probably won't be able to on our own.  Of course, that doesn't mean we will for sure never get pregnant, but the chances go way down after month 4.  But, he kept saying how good he felt about our situation, and he doesn't think we should have any problems.  If we aren't able to, then it is a fertilization issue, and that's when you have to do IVF.  

Obviously I felt so much better after that appointment, and much more relief.  But on the other hand, it is so incredibly hard to not get my hopes up.  I keep saying I'm hopeful, but not getting my hopes up.  Easier said than done.  It has also made everything much more real.  Kyhle and I made a new monthly budget a couple days after that appointment to start doing some better planning.  Yes, we have been trying for the past 21 months, but for some reason, the reality set in that this could actually happen and we better be ready!  

Like I've said many times, we go to Buy Buy Baby a lot (I love my husband!) and every time we go to Target or any other store that has a "baby section" I now not only look at what's cute, but also at the prices of everything!  I've been looking around online and comparing products and prices, and trying to plan what we would get if our dream does in fact come true.  We've also made a more serious list of possible baby names to really think about, which I've been doing since I was like 6 years old!

And I say I don't have my hopes up...

Stubborn

As Kyhle and I were starting a movie on Tuesday, we got a knock on our door at 8:30.  Kyhle opened it, and in walks my sister Laura cheerfully saying, "I'm here to clean!"  She brought a bag full of her own cleaning supplies and got right to work cleaning our bathroom and our kitchen.  She told me she had to surprise me or else I would have just kept telling her I was fine and didn't need her help. Ha!  I must have been wrong because she was here for 2 hours scrubbing away.  Each time I would get up to try to help her at all, she would say, "Sit down!  I need to have something to do!" To top that off, she brought us a yummy dinner on Wednesday night.  We were also delivered two delicious meals from my awesome Visiting Teachers, Carrie and Heather.  I know it is out of their way to come all the way down just to drop some food off, but we really do appreciate it! 

I am so grateful for such loving friends and family who have been there for us in so many different ways.  Whether it's through service, prayers, kind thoughts and messages, it means the world to us.  

Surgery was a success!  As most of you know, they did find Endometriosis, and they it's stage one, which is obviously the stage you'd want to have.  The doc said he was able to burn all of the scar tissue and clear everything out.  You'd think that would mean we could just go ahead and get pregnant now, but unfortunately it's not that easy.  Between the next 3-6 months, we have a 20-30% chance of conceiving.  After that, they recommend other options, such as IVF.  Kyhle and I will plan on giving it a year to continue on our own, and will go from there after that.  

My recovery has been rocky.  I was able to stay at my parent's house Thursday-Sunday and be well taken care of.  Monday was my first day alone at home, and it was fine.  I had my first post-op apt on Monday afternoon, and the nurse could tell I had already been doing too much since being on my own.  Yes, I had done 4 loads of laundry and cleaned the entire apartment.  Probably not a good idea.  I took it easy on Tuesday since Kyhle had the day off, and so I figured I felt good enough to return to work Wednesday, despite the doctor's advice. (The doc wanted me to wait 'til Friday, but said they'd give me a note if I really wanted to return sooner.)  I went to work for 6 hours on Wednesday, then asked my boss if I could go home because my incisions weren't feeling too good.  I ended up staying home today, and am hoping I can return tomorrow.  We'll see.  

Why do I have to find it so hard to just listen to the doctor.  I tell myself, "Oh, I'm just picking up one baby really fast.  I'm not picking up the 40 lb kid.  What can it hurt?"  A lot, actually.  That's why the doc tells me not to.  Well,  I got scolded by both my husband and my father.  I guess I shouldn't be so stubborn.  

Good Things to Come

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” 

- Jeffrey R. Holland

A few weeks ago in Relief Society, a friend of mine gave a beautiful lesson about trials and tribulations, and how to overcome them.  I felt like her lesson was meant just for me.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  Also during this lesson, I was holding a sweet little boy, 10 month old Marshall.  As I was swaying back and forth listening to Jeni's lesson, Marshall fell asleep on my lap and I just couldn't help but hold tight to him. 

A few days ago before my surgery, Jeni, the same friend who taught the Relief Society lesson, sent me a very thoughtful email.  She knew I was feeling nervous and scared about my surgery, and all of the unknown that came with it.  She attached a few different links in the email of video clips, songs, and talks from Conferences.   Again, it was exactly what I needed to watch/listen to/read.  

Thank you, dear Jeni, for being such a wonderful example and light in my life.  You are sincerely loved and greatly appreciated by many.  

Gotta Have Faith

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

 -- Unknown

When I scheduled my Laparoscopy, I felt like it was forever away (3 months ago.)  We now have just less than 3 weeks until surgery day, and I am feeling a little (okay, a lot) stressed out.  Stressed about taking unpaid time off work.  Stressed about the recovery process, wondering how long I will be down for.  Stressed about going under for surgery, and the feeling of waking up from the anesthesia.  Stressed about wondering whether or not they'll find the endometriosis.  Stressed about wondering whether or not we will get pregnant within 6 months. 

Getting pregnant is really out of my hands.  As I have said before, when Heavenly Father believes we are ready, He will bless us.  We have to have faith in His plan.  That is the most important element in this whole process.  Faith in His timing. 

Sometimes I find it best for me to just cry.  Whether they are happy or sad tears, it just feels good to get it out.  I love my job, and I love the blessing of being able to work with such fun, energetic, and loving children.  But sometimes when rocking one of our sweet babies,  I find myself wiping some tears, wishing it were my cuddly baby in my arms.  But for the time being, I am grateful to be able to rock those little loves, and give them the love and attention I would give my own.  

 On a side note, Kyhle and I went to Target this morning.  Of course I had to walk around the baby section.  There is a baby swing that we've seen at a few stores, and as we were walking by it today, Kyhle stopped and pointed out how much he liked it.  I'm not rubbing off on him or anything.  :) 

Save! Don't Spend!

Having a baby is expensive.  Obviously.  Well, for us, and others like us, so is trying to have said baby.  

Unfortunately, almost all insurance companies do not cover treatments for infertility.  Many of them also don't even cover testing to find if you have any "problems."  I don't think I will ever be able to understand why.  

So frustrating.  

When we got married, I wanted to start saving right away to someday be able to start our family.  Because of insurance companies not covering our testing and treatments, we have sadly had to spend, and are having to spend, most of that money to cover everything.  We are currently battling with our insurance over some of these bills, and I just want to bang my phone against the wall and scream at the person I am speaking with.  Kyhle does most of the battling, so I know he feels the same frustration as I do.  

We have been given a tough situation with my laparoscopy surgery.  You never think you would say that you hope they find something wrong.  But right now, we are strongly hoping.  If the doctor finds that I do have endometriosis, insurance will cover the surgery.  Awesome!!

If they find nothing wrong, we have to pay for everything.  

Because of all of these new, unexpected expenses, I am working on planning a new monthly budget for us.  We have learned the hard way about what happens if you spend and don't save.  We love to spend, spend, spend!  Obviously, our biggest problem is that we love to go out to eat.  Who doesn't?  We used to grocery shop at Wal-Mart and Kroger, but lately, we have gotten lazy and started to do all of our shopping at Marsh.  I come home from the store with just a few things in my bags, and I have spent $60!  That just can't happen anymore.  My mom and sister have been telling me so much lately that I need to get a hobby.  

Couponing!

I have become very interested in all of the hype that comes with couponing.  The past few days, I am always searching online for coupon sites, blogs, and finding deals.  Last night, I signed up for the Sunday and Thursday Indianapolis Star with all of the coupons.  I don't want to do the extreme and make it a full-time job, but if I can save $10-$20 each shopping trip, I'm all for it!  We have also decided to start a new goal of only having date night once a month.  We will still do "dates", but we are only going to go out to eat once a month.  How much money that will save us!  

I am excited for this new hobby.  I have so many wonderful friends who are willing to show me the ropes and teach me their tricks.  I am most excited to start saving more money!  We have opened a separate savings account to have money direct deposited specifically for this baby journey.  We will use it to help pay the medical bills, and hopefully sooner rather than later, be able to use it to buy baby products!  

Again, thank you for all of your support and love.  We are so grateful for each and every one of you! 

Insensitive

First off, I want to say thank you to all of you for the wonderful amount of love and support you have all shown us.  We are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends in our lives.  If it weren't for all of you, we would not be able to make it through this battle. 

Thank you, and we love you!

I was debating if I wanted to start this blog or not, wondering what people would think about me putting all of our "business" out there for everyone to read.  After I posted, I was pleasantly surprised by how many women privately messaged me to let me know that they, too, have been through this roller coaster of infertility.  I was hoping that by starting this blog, it would help women who were more private about their journey feel comfortable talking to me about it, and that is just what happened.  On the flip side of that, some people were against me writing such personal struggles on here for everyone to read.  To them, I say if I can touch the life of just one woman going through this battle, it is all worth it to me.  This blog is meant more to be a journal for me to express my emotions through this journey.  My happy, my sad, my crazy, my depressing, my joyous days...it's mine.  

My job is insane!  We have currently have 13 kiddos ages 12 weeks-5 years.  We don't have all 13 everyday, but we usually average about 8-10 of them a day.  Lately, my co-workers have been making comments saying, "These kids make me not want my own!!!"  Okay, I know I am not a mom, and I don't fully understand what it's like to have that crazy in my home 24/7, but I don't care.  I would take the loudest, most hyper, energetic child if that meant I could have a child of my own.  The day I had my appointment with my fertility specialist was an especially hectic day at work.  The kids were having a hard time listening and getting along with each other.  On my way out, a co-worker said, "Are you sure you still want kids? You may hope they find something wrong!"  Are you kidding me?  Do you realize that is probably the dumbest question anyone has ever asked me?! Nice timing, too. I understand she was just venting about the craziness of the day, but how insensitive can you get?  

In The Beginning...

I love strollers, diaper bags, baby clothes, nurseries, swings, bumbos, etc...

If it has anything to do with baby, I love it.  

Even when I was a little girl out shopping with my mom, if we walked by the "baby section," I had to stop and look at each and every little thing.  When strollers were down on the floor, I would take every opportunity to push it around. (Yes, I loved pushing empty strollers.) Now that there is a Buy Buy Baby open down the street from us, Kyhle is a dear and takes me there every so often just so I can look at the different nursery ideas, melt over all the different baby outfits, and yes, push around the empty strollers. 

As you can probably guess by now, I am a little baby obsessed.  

  I always knew I wanted to be a mom right away.  When people in school would ask me what my dream job was, I would always respond that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  Unfortunately, getting pregnant has presented many challenges for us.  After 12 months of no success, my OB would finally discuss it with me.  She took some tests and did an exam, but said that everything looked and seemed fine.  She decided to start me on Clomid to see if ovulation was the problem.  Clomid is a nasty, mean, horrible drug.  It makes your hormones get all out of whack, gives you miserable hot flashes and headaches, and messes up with your cycles, making you think you are pregnant each month.  

Every month I would take 5-9 ovulation tests, and 1 (sometimes 2) pregnancy tests.  Every month, I would get a negative.  Every month, I would be in tears.  

After trying Clomid for 5 months with no success, we decided to visit a fertility specialist.  I went in to this appointment hoping they would find something wrong, but something that could be easily fixed. (Obviously.)  I wasn't at all prepared for this appointment.  When we got there, we first sat with the doc in his office so he could get to know us and hear our "story."  He then gave me a pelvic exam and ultrasound.  After that, Kyhle and I went back in to his office and sat for a few minutes waiting for him to come in with results.  

I felt like it was a scene straight out of the movies.  He came in, sat down, looked up, and paused.  Never a good sign.  After hearing all of my symptoms and doing the exam, he felt that I have endometriosis.  He is not 100% sure of this, which is why I will have a laparoscopy (surgery) to find what is really going on in there.  Being a little unsure made Kyhle feel uneasy, but the nurse told us that he has never recommended this surgery and found that he was wrong.  He also said without a laparoscopy, we have a 5% chance of having a baby on our own, and with it, it goes up to 75%.  That's a pretty good percentage boost.  After the surgery, they want us to try for 6 more months.  If we still have no success, they recommend doing IVF treatments.  Kyhle and I have already decided that if we are unable to have children naturally, we would like to adopt.  

I will be having a Laparoscopy on Thursday, May 10.  After surgery, I will be down recovering for 7 days, and then can't lift anything over 20 lbs for 30 days.  That will be a little challenging with my job! 

While we were sitting in the office with the nurse going over all of the scheduling for the surgery, pre-op and post-op appointments, I was trying so hard to keep it all together, but I just couldn't.  I felt like I had just been told my body couldn't do the one thing it was put on this earth to do.  I felt like everyone around me was pregnant, whether they were trying for it or it was an "accident."

I was on overload.  

I don't know what I would have done if Kyhle hadn't been with me during the appointment.  When we got home, I called my parents to let them know what had been going on.  Kyhle and I kept it at secret that we had been trying the entire time.  About a month before the fertility appointment, we decided to let our parents know what was going on.  After the appointment, I went ahead and talked to the rest of my family about it all, as well.  I am so glad I did!  I feel horrible that I kept it from my sisters all that time.  I know that it upset some of them, and I completely understand why it would.  I know families are there to love and support us, in good times and bad.  

I am doing much better with everything now.  I have had time to accept the fact that we have been given this trial, and I know that I just have to have faith in Heavenly Father that our time will come.  When He is ready to bless us with a child, He will.  He does not give us anything we can't handle.  I am so grateful my brother and his wife had a similar trial, and now have 4 beautiful children through the blessing of adoption.  I know that we still have a chance to have a baby on our own, but I am also happy with the possibility of adoption.  I am also so grateful my church has an awesome adoption program for couples like Kyhle and I.  In a weird way, I am grateful for this certain trial in our lives, because I know that it will make us love and appreciate our future babies that much more.