Oreos

Here it goes...

I woke up yesterday morning, Kyhle handed me a test, we waited for 3 minutes...negative.  I called my doctor and spoke to the nurse letting her know the result.  Her response--

"So you're 3 days late, have taken 2 tests and they have both been negative.  Okay, we will go ahead and consider it a negative.  Go ahead and stop taking the Progesterone, and just call us when you eventually get your period.  I will go ahead and place the order for your shots to try this again." 

That's it?  Consider it a negative?  Call when I eventually get my period? Awesome.  

So nothing happened on Friday.  Saturday morning, 4 days late, nothing happened.  What the heck is going on?  Kyhle and I were in Terre Haute for his brother's birthday this weekend, and we came home this afternoon.  As we were exiting off the interstate to pull into our apartment, it hit me.  Cramps.  I knew exactly what kind of cramps these were.  We came inside, put our bags away, and sure enough...it was here.  

So that's it.  I thought I had accepted that we weren't pregnant when I saw the first negative on Wednesday, but I guess I was hoping in the back of my mind that it was false and just still too early to detect.  I can start the shots again on Monday if we choose, and we can start the process as soon as we want.  Unfortunately, this has taken quite an emotional toll on both of us, and I think we are going to wait a month and try again in April instead.  As much as we were trying to stay neutral, we really thought this was our turn.  Unfortunately, things don't always go the way we want them to.  

It's hard for me to not be angry.  It's hard to not be bitter.  I don't want to be that girl, but sometimes, I just need to be that way.  I just need a day or two to be angry, upset, frustrated, bitter, mad, jealous, envious.  Or maybe I need a whole week to feel those emotions.  I need to get those emotions out and not have to feel like I am holding anything back.  

I just want to lay down under my blanket and eat Oreos for the rest of the day, faithfully taking Midol.  Maybe even the rest of the weekend.  If I'm not eating Oreos, I just want to be asleep.  That way I don't have to feel sad, or even mad.  

In Case You Were Wondering

I figured I should probably let you all know...

My doctor wanted me to take a home test on Tuesday, the day my cycle was expected.  I decided to wait 'til I was officially "late" and tested Wednesday morning.  Kyhle woke me up first thing in the morning before he left for work. 

K: "Bay, are you gonna take a test?"

R: "I don't know...not right now..."

K: "But I have to go to work in 5 minutes!" 

R: "I'm not going to test with you here!"

K: "Yeah, bay!"

(Yes, "Bay" is our nickname for each other.)

I get up, take my test, set it on the tub, and go back to bed telling Kyhle to go read it for me because I was too nervous.  I crawl back under the covers, and wait for his return.  A minute later, he walks in...

K: "Sorry for waking you up, love."

R: "It's okay.  Sorry it was negative."

Obviously we were both incredibly sad, and just bummed.  We hugged, we cried, we went to work and kept a brave face all day.  I called the doctor on my way to work and told them the result.  They said if my cycle didn't start, to take another test Friday morning and call them with the result.  Well...it hasn't started.  I don't really know if I want to test tomorrow morning.  I think they want me to since they are closed during the weekend, and I may need to go in for a blood test tomorrow afternoon if the test is still negative with no cycle.  I guess I'll decide when I wake up tomorrow morning! 

The part that is so frustrating to me is that everything is still in limbo!  I hate not knowing one way or the other.  If my test was negative yesterday, why the heck have I not started!?  It is also driving me crazy because I notice some symptoms, but I don't want to read into them, because I know they could mean anything, along with my Progesterone meds causing some crazy sore tenderness.  I have felt extremely over-tired the past 3 days, to a point where I can go to bed at 7 each evening.  I came home from work on Monday, we had dinner at 4:45, I was asleep by 5:15, didn't wake up until 7:30 (I don't normally take naps), and went back to bed at 10.  What is wrong with me?  I have had no symptoms of an upcoming cycle.  Usually I will break out and have some cramping, but I haven't experienced either of those.  Just frustrating.  

I think  I have accepted the fact that I am not pregnant this month, even though nothing has started.  If I end up finding out I am pregnant, we will be pleasantly surprised.  Seeing the negative was a major let down and I just don't want to see another one.  I'm sick of negatives.  It's the perfect word because a "negative" is so negative. 

Stay tuned...

13

It feels good to know that I've done all I could do.  I've taken my medicine, I've given myself shots, I've had many ultrasounds, and I've done many blood tests.  It is out of my control, and that gives me a feeling of relief.  It is officially time to "Let go and let God."  

My appointment went well this morning.  The actual procedure was just 5 minutes, and then they had may stay laying down for 15 minutes afterward.  While laying there, she dimmed the lights so I could just relax.  As I looked up at the ceiling, I found myself talking out loud.  I guess I should say praying out loud.  I kept repeating...

"I just want to be a mommy.  I just want to be a mommy.  All I want is to be a mommy." 

Fortunately, I could get back to the daily routine right after my appointment, and I don't have any restrictions over the next couple of weeks.  Unfortunately, I still have a nasty sinus infection that has decided to take control of my body, and I ended up having to call in to work today.  I wish I could just lay here in peace and be stress-free, but I can't stop coughing and feel like I am going to hack up a lung.  Pretty, I know.  I've had this since Friday night, so I finally decided to go to the Minute Clinic right after my appointment to get on antibiotics and fight this thing.  Sadly, because of the IUI, the nurse didn't feel comfortable putting me on any antibiotics because she didn't know what was safe, and didn't want to mess anything up for me.  As much as I appreciated that, I feel so crummy, and just want to get better! 

My best friend, Joanna, is my hero.  She graciously came over Monday night at 7:45 to give me the final shot.  Kyhle didn't feel comfortable enough to do it, so I knew I could trust her to stick it in the right spot.  This was a different shot than the one I had been giving myself, with a much bigger needle.  When I was telling my mom about the good laugh Jo and I got from this experience, Mom replied with, "It's great to have friends 'behind' you!"  Jo and I were supposed to go out for a small girls' night tonight, but because of this sickness that is taking over, she is bringing pizza over to my place so we can lay on the couch and take it easy, while still enjoying some great girl talk.  She has been there for me through all of this journey and I am so grateful for her and her loyal friendship.  Like I said, she's the best! :)

Now comes the waiting game.  In 2 days, I will start taking my progesterone medicine, and in 13 days, I will take a test.  

In 13 days, our lives could forever change. 

Good Question

I feel like we are approaching the finish line, and that is a great feeling!

We have officially scheduled the insemination for Wednesday at 8 in the morning.  I will give myself the final HCG shot tonight at 8, and then 36 hours later will be insemination. 

I was a little bummed at my appointment this morning.  They told me that one of my follicles had disappeared, and I only had one left.  Obviously it just takes one to make a baby, but I was hoping to keep 2 to help boost our chances of success.  I guess the good thing about 1 disappearing is that the chance of twins is now slim, which is something we were a tad stressed about. 

It also made me think of a question I should have asked today.  At my Friday appointment, I had 2 good sized follicles, then all of a sudden today there was just 1.  Now I am wondering if maybe I don't produce eggs each month.  I already know I have a low ovarian reserve, so does this also mean I maybe don't release one every month?  That could obviously explain why we have struggled all this time.  

Just something to think about, and definitely ask on Wednesday.  

The Journey Continues

Headaches, headaches, go away!  

They started out mild enough that taking a couple of ibuprofen would make them disappear.  Not anymore.  All of a sudden they hit so hard that I have to close my eyes and just lay my head down for a little while.  I'm trying to not take medicine for them anymore, because I don't want to rely on it to feel better.  I just have to keep reminding myself...this is for baby!  

The other night as we were watching American Idol, I cried 4 times within 30 minutes!  What a mess!  Seriously, all it took was for the judges to say, "You're going to Hollywood!" and I burst into tears.  Kyhle just looked at me and said, "I can't wait for this to be over!" Ha!  Sorry, love!  I have also noticed I am becoming much more irritable, losing my patience at the smallest things.  Just don't say anything that would annoy me.  ;)  

And last but not least...acne.  Oh, my friend, I am not a fan.  I noticed today at work that I just looked tired.  Yes I did my hair, my makeup, and even wore jeans (instead of sweats), but I still looked a little worn down.  I'm not sure if the drowsiness comes from the medicine, or if it's from the head cold I have come down with the last couple of days.  

I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and another this morning.  All is going well!  The medicine is doing it's job, everything is progressing nicely.  I have a healthy follicle on each ovary, which is just what the doctor wants!  He says the the ideal number is 1-3 follicles.  The more follicles you develop, the higher risk for multiples.  If I had developed more than 3, we would have had to cancel the insemination due to the high risk.  I have been instructed to continue doing my injections over the weekend, and am scheduled for another appointment Monday morning.  If all goes well and they are at the right size, I will do the HCG shot, which triggers ovulation, on Monday night. 

We are tentatively scheduled to do insemination on Wednesday!  Holy cow!  I cannot believe we are already there!  I thought I would have to do injections for 3 weeks, but it has gone much quicker and I am so grateful for that.  However, the closer we get to insemination day, the more anxious I become.  I am so grateful my Dad is able to give Kyhle and I blessings this Sunday, and I know that will help calm our fears and bring us peace.  This has been such a long, challenging journey, but I know it will all be worth it in the end.