During the week of Thanksgiving, I wanted so badly to be thankful for everything we have been blessed with--a warm, beautiful home, secure jobs, loving family, loyal friends, cuddly dogs, more than enough food, and many many more wonderful blessings. My whole family was able to be home together for Thanksgiving this year, with my parents hosting 22 people in their home for a week, 12 adults and 10 kids 10 and under. I loved having them here, I loved spending time with my siblings, and I loved getting to know my nieces and nephews better. However, I couldn't help but feel a gray cloud hanging over my head, full of sadness and heartache. How could I be so down while having all the people I love the most surrounding me? I felt selfish for not putting my misery behind me and just being thankful for all I have. If you have been feeling sad, lonely, depressed, or just gloomy for any reason, please read this article. My cousin shared a beautiful article with me that reminded me we can still be thankful, even in our times of sorrow.
http://shereadstruth.com/2014/11/24/give-thanks-sorrow/
A couple of weeks ago, Kyhle and I had some genetic testing done, and I had an MRI on my uterus to see if we could find the cause of my miscarriage. Oddly, we were hoping they would find something wrong so we would have an answer and hopefully a way to treat it. Last week, we got the news that I have a blood clotting disorder, known as "antiphospholipid antibody". This is when my body creates a blood clot surrounding the baby and doesn't allow the placenta to properly implant. This is good news, as it is treatable! They will have me start taking 2 daily shots of Heparin, along with one baby aspirin (a blood thinner) everyday. If I am able to become pregnant again, I will continue the injections throughout my pregnancy.
Yesterday, Kyhle and I had a follow up with Dr. Gentry to discuss our next plan of attack, and also get my MRI results back. We were pretty confident the MRI would come back with no issues, but I couldn't help but feel a bit nervous. As Dr. Gentry read my results, he told us that I have a condition called "adenomyosis." This is a condition similar to endometriosis, which I also have. Adenomyosis happens when you have endometrial tissue growing inside of your uterus, instead of lining it on the outside. There is an area of tissue about one inch thick inside my uterus. Women with adenomyosis typically also have endometriosis, but my doctor was shocked to see I have it, as it usually comes after your childbearing years, around the time of menopause.
Because of my diagnosis, we have to create a whole new plan of attack, as we have to clear the adenomyosis before we can move forward with any possibility of pregnancy. I will start taking an injection called Lupron, once a month for three months. The Lupron will put me through a medically induced menopause, as menopause is the only way to clear the condition, aside from having surgery to have it removed. Dr. Gentry doesn't want to do surgery because he is concerned it would cause more scar tissue, and not allow enough room for a baby to implant. He told us that unfortunately, it will cause me to go through all of the typical menopause symptoms for the next three months--hot flashes, migraines, weight gain, bleeding, mood swings, and joint and muscle aches and pains. We are feeling pretty nervous, and quite honestly, a bit terrified. Just four weeks ago, we were happily pregnant, basking in every single moment of pure joy. Now we have to put the possibility of any future pregnancy off for three months to go through "menopause" instead. Doesn't seem too fair, does it?
Yesterday was a pretty hard, emotional, and all around frustrating day. Kyhle and I really felt like we were just hit really hard, one thing after another. Dr. Gentry told us that if there is a challenge a woman can face while trying to become pregnant, I've got it. He said I am a triple threat with the low AMH levels (not enough eggs), my blood clotting disorder, and my adenomyosis. He also let us know he hasn't seen a patient this young with all of these issues together.
Kyhle and I couldn't help but wonder if it truly is all worth it? I will be pumping my body full of medications and hormones for the next 6 months-1 year in hopes of getting pregnant again. I lose my insurance that gives me some infertility coverage when I turn 26 in July, so we are under a pretty big time constraint. As I was talking with my friend today, I told her I was ready to just give up and let it all go. I told her I didn't think it was all worth it--the emotional and physical toll infertility takes on us. She mentioned that what they found, is all treatable. They didn't tell me I can't have children. She said to me told me we just have to pray to Heavenly Father and say, "We've found out some new complications. They are treatable so we are going to try to fix them. We're doing all we can to have children biologically. We're going to try the new treatments and meds til my next birthday, as long as we can pay for it. After that, we'll pursue adoption. Help us to trust in the outcome either way."
Kyhle and I can let this get us down. We can give up, and just say no more. But we feel strongly that is not what we are supposed to do. I have always wanted to be a mom. Always. I know the Lord would not have given me such a strong, righteous desire if it wasn't meant to be. We are not quitters. We know we are meant to be parents, and we know it will happen. We will continue to have sad days, and some days are harder than others. Recently, I feel there have been many more sad days than happy, and that's okay.
