Focus

Sometimes when I write on here, I never know what I am going to say.  I just write as it comes to my mind.  I guess that's why it's my online journal.  I'll start by saying my dream was in fact a nightmare, as it did not actually happen.  I also must admit I had my hopes up on Christmas Eve, and when nothing happened, my hopes went even higher.  Then nothing happened Christmas morning and I was starting to think, "Oh my gosh!  What if this could be the month?"  Then afternoon came, and no, it was not the month.  Oh, well! 

I know I say this all the time, but I am so grateful for a strong, happy marriage.  So many couples get torn apart from fertility struggles, and disagreements on treatments.  Sometimes I am blown away by the amount of people who say, "How is your marriage holding up?"  Really?  I find it so sad that many marriages end in divorce because it becomes too much to handle, and couples end up blaming each other.  Knowing that it's my "fault" we haven't had a baby, I can't imagine how I would feel if Kyhle blamed me for it.  I couldn't imagine if I didn't have his love, support, and encouragement.  

Last night on our way home from Christmas with the family, Kyhle and I had such a good conversation.  I love those!  I won't go into details of our conversation, but one thing he said was the best thing I have ever heard.  "I just want to focus on us starting our family.  That's what is important to me right now."

Music to my ears, making my heart flutter! 

By the way...I am watching

"What to Expect When You're Expecting" 

Christmas List

Last night I had an amazing dream.  It was the perfect dream and felt so real.  

Then I woke up. 

Here's what happened:

It was Christmas Eve.  I was curious, so I took a pregnancy test.  Positive.  What!? Positive?  I took 5 more.  All positive.  This can't be.  I've never had a positive test, in over 2 years.  I took 5 more!  All positive.  Okay, officially the best Christmas ever.  On Christmas morning, I went ahead and took another test, and of course, it was positive.  I hid the test in Kyhle's stocking. (Gross, I know!)  He dumped out his stocking, found the test, looked at me in shock, and broke down into tears.  Like I said, best Christmas ever.  We then were too excited to wait, so we announced it to our families.  We got to Skype with his brother on a mission, and told him over the computer. Then we skyped with all of my out-of-state siblings, and told them the news.  Again, like I said, best Christmas ever. 

I must say, I was pretty bummed when I woke up to find that whole amazing day was just a dream.  Or should I say a nightmare, since it didn't really happen. Bummer.

So it was a rough night.  But today at work almost made up for it.  I had a great day!

I had three little girls (who are family,) and a little boy for the first couple of hours today.   We had so much fun!  They were all being so well behaved, and I was remembering why I am so grateful for my job.  As we were doing story time, they were sitting quietly on the floor all getting along.  I then heard "Grown Up Christmas List" come on the radio quietly in the background.  I started softly singing along with the song, and one of the little girls, 3 years old, started swaying back and forth, while her twin sister hummed along with me.  This may be corny, but it was a little magical, and I started to tear up a little bit.  (Laugh all you want.)

Then the song "All I Want For Christmas is You" came on.  I jumped up, turned it loud, and we had an epic dance party.  It was the best!  My four little kiddos and I all danced around the room together, laughing, clapping, and trying to sing along.  It was one of the best moments I've had with my "students."  I kept looking at all of them, and telling myself over and over again how lucky I am to be their teacher, and how blessed I am to have each of them in my life.  I need to remember that on our rough days.  Days when they are struggling to listen and obey.  Days when they are on my last nerve.  Days when all I want to do is go home to some peace and quiet.  

I will always cherish today with my students, and will forever remember how much fun we had singing, dancing, clapping and laughing.  Their laughter and little personalities fill my heart with so much joy, and I love each of them.  They will always have a special place in my heart.  

No more lives torn apart

That wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts

Everyone would have a friend

And right would always win

All love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list

-Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant

Miserably Happy!

The more I write on this blog, the more friends I have telling me their stories about their journey in trying to have a baby, and what they went through/are going through.  It's amazing to me how many women struggle with this.  Kyhle and I had a long talk about it all last night, and discussed our journey, while also talking about different friends of ours who have or haven't struggled.  While speaking in general terms (not specifically about me), he said something that really stood out.

"Look, you can either be miserable and have no baby, or you can be happy and have no baby.  Either way, you still don't have a baby.  Being miserable about it isn't going to change that."  

Choose to be happy.  Choose to love life, and love my family and friends I am blessed with.  I don't want to be that miserable woman who is always complaining, and worse...always angry.  I don't want to be angry.  I've been that woman.  I've been the angry, miserable, complainer.  It's not worth it, and doesn't change anything.  

By choosing to be happy and thankful for what I am blessed with, it makes the journey more tolerable.  It also makes me realize how much I do have, and all we are blessed with.  Am I happy every day?  Of course not!  I still can have my angry, miserable, complaining days, but I choose to make those on a rare occasions.  Progress! :)

(Maybe today has just been a really good day)

Figure It Out

I have been contemplating what to write on here for the past week.  I had an appointment with my fertility specialist last Thursday, and I have been wanting to talk about it.  I know people are curious to know what happened.  I think I just didn't really want to talk about it.  Or I just felt like I didn't know how to talk about it.  Or I felt like I didn't want to think about it.  

Some days I just feel so bitter and like I must be horrible to be around.  I think that's why I try to stay out of the spotlight.  I stay away from activities and people.  Then other times, I feel like I can be positive, happy, and upbeat.  Well which is it today?  I'll let you know when I find out! 

Stop reading now if you don't want details, or are not interested in reading a long, drawn-out post.  

Okay...

My appointment was somewhat of a flop.  Sometimes I just feel so incredibly frustrated with my doctor.  I feel like he is just in his career for the money.  He wants everyone to choose IVF, and if they don't, he doesn't give them his best attention and support.  Frustrating.  Basically, we talked about what he would want me to do if we were to choose the IVF route, and told me I need to get my body healthy and ready.  I totally agree with that.  Even without doing IVF I agree with that.  He recommended me to a Dietitian, and I have made an appointment for next week.

We then talked about a different option that I have.  Did he bring this option up to me?  Of course not.  Why?  Because it doesn't pay him as much money.  (At least that's how I feel about it.)  It is a 3-week course of injections I will give myself into my stomach to stimulate my hormones (FSH.)  It is basically a steroid shot to vamp up my engines.  After the 3 weeks, they would then do Artificial Insemination, also known as IUI.  I won't go into the details of an IUI, as you can just look it up if you are really interested!  

Here are some stats for us personally

IVF success: 65-75%

IUI success: 35-45%

IVF would cost: $11,000

IUI would cost: $350

No, we are not going to do IVF.  At least not for like 10 years.  It's just not right for us right now.  But the FSH/IUI...how could I say no to that?  It is a very reasonable option, and it's a chance for us to be pregnant, and me to experience child birth.  Maybe.  If it's successful.  One of the reasons I am hesitant is because I don't want the feeling of being crushed if it doesn't work.  I would go through that month of giving myself shots that will make me a severely crazy, hormonal, and miserable-to-be-around woman.  Then I would have this procedure thinking the whole time that "we" are creating a baby.  What if we don't?  What if the procedure fails and then we have no baby and are out $350?  Is it worth it? 

My sweet Kyhle has been amazing throughout the past year.  We saw a specialist a year ago in January.  What a year it has been for us.  I always apologize to Kyhle and tell him I know he didn't sign up for this.  He just wants to be young, in love, and enjoying married life.  Yet, here he is with a 23 year old wife who is constantly in tears, depressed, and can't watch anything with babies/birth/adoption/infertility without bursting into tears.  I have very happy days, and I have very sad days.  I talk about babies, and what we can do to have our baby all the time.  I try to keep it inside and just hold my tongue about things, but then it just gets that much worse.  

I don't know how to let go.  We said we would think about the FSH/IUI procedure, and take some time to talk about it.  I don't want to take time.  I want to just do everything we can, as much as possible.  But my sweet husband needs time.  He needs a break.  I think about how this changes my life so much.  I think about the challenges this has given me, and the stress is has brought to my life.  People do not understand what it is like, unless they have been through it.  But I don't understand what it is like for my husband.  I don't understand how he is feeling.  All I know is I can't have babies.  I am holding him back from becoming a daddy.  I have something wrong, and the doctors can't figure out what it is.  Why does it seem especially hard around the Holidays? 

I want to figure it out.  For me and my husband.