I told Kyhle the other day that not only has it been hard to cope after miscarrying, but to cope during the dreary, cold winter months...seemed impossible. I have a new understanding for how everyone is different and handles their hardships and trials all in their own ways. As I have struggled over the last 5 months, I have had many days (and weeks, and months...) where I have felt like the pain wasn't going to go away. Was I being dramatic? I mean, I was only 6 weeks along.
When we lost our baby, we lost a lifelong dream. Something that we had been working so hard to have for over 4 years was gone in an instant. The happiest week of our lives, quickly became the worst. How does one pick up and keep moving forward? There have been many times that I have thought, for a quick minute, "It's just not worth it." Then I quickly say, "No, Heavenly Father, I didn't mean that! Please don't hold it against me for saying that!" Because it absolutely is worth it. I know that we will have that happy feeling again, and we will get our dream baby.
The waiting and feeling like we are in limbo for the last few months has been challenging. I hate feeling like I am not doing anything toward getting pregnant. I had to finish the Lupron before we could move forward, and I know that was fixing a big health issue that would hold me back from pregnancy. However, the Lupron is done. It's time to move on to the next step! If only I didn't have to wait for a cycle to start. Dr. Gentry put me on a drug called Provera last week. It helps induce your cycle to get started after you haven't had one for a while. Provera is a 10-day pill, and it can take 5-14 days after you stop the pill to have a cycle. I can't start our next IVF until that happens. I also ordered all of my medications to have them ready to go. It was a happy day when I received those in the mail! The not-so-happy part? I had to pay $970 for them...$500 more than our last round! This was because Gentry increased my doses of the injections, and also added an extra medication.
Dr. Gentry only does retrievals one week of the month, so if your cycle doesn't line up perfectly, then you have to wait til the next month to start everything. We were really hoping for an April IVF, but it looks like we may be pushed back to May. Another month waiting. I have to keep reminding myself that it all will be okay, as long as we can have everything complete by my birthday.
In the meantime, we are still working toward our goal! We are inching along and getting closer and closer to reaching our $5,000 goal. Knowing that has all happened because of the help and support from friends and family has been so awesome. How did we get so lucky, and have so many people rooting for us and Baby Porter? We have had complete strangers donate to us--an Australian LDS woman found our blog and sent us a donation! That's incredible! I love knowing that our story is out there for other people to read and relate to, and I love when women reach out to me to let me know that this blog has helped them get through their infertility battle.
We have been selling cookies like crazy, and are still taking orders! They are $7 for a dozen or $12 for 2 dozen. I also have a sweet friend who has made some beautiful scarves for us to sell. They are $15 each, and are super cute for the spring time.
Thank you for reading, donating, sharing, and praying. We love knowing that we are all working toward this dream together! They say it takes a village. :)
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