Thoughts

I always thought that I would be married with 1 or 2 kids by the time I was 25 years old.  I always knew I would get married young, and start my family young.  It's all I ever wanted. This post has great potential to sound like a jumbled mess, going all over the place,  probably because that's how I feel.  So fair warning :)

The past 2 weeks have been some of my toughest so far.  Last Monday started a crazy, emotional roller coaster that has yet to stop jerking around and flipping me upside down.  A couple of weekends ago, after much conversation, Kyhle and I decided to call LDS Family Services and find out more information on their adoption program, and set an appointment to meet with a social worker.  We wanted to get as much detailed information as possible, and get a specific price in our head for what we should save for.  When Monday rolled around, I went ahead and made the call to set up an appointment.  I ended up speaking with their adoption manager and he gave me some troubling news.  

"Well, Rebecca, our program has changed a lot over the last couple of years.  We no longer do home studies in Indiana, so you need to use a separate agency to get that done.  Once your home study is completed through them, you can then come back to us, and we can set up your profile.  However, we are strongly encouraging our couples to use other agencies for adoption, as their are hundreds of LDS couples trying to adopt through us, and just not enough birth mothers choosing adoptions.  You can put your profile on our website for no cost, but I would recommend using a different agency, as it could take years to be placed with a child if you just use our services."

I felt my heart sink in my chest, and tears just started falling down my face.   That meant that using another agency would cost us between $15,000-$30,000.  Where in the world would we get that kind of money?  It would be years before we ever see that kind of extra money, if we even ever do.  I immediately told myself that I needed to start searching for a part-time job to put that money aside for a future baby.  

I put everything down, closed my eyes, and poured my heart out in a tearful prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me know what to do.  I needed His guidance to know if this was something we should pursue, or if we should take another course.  I felt like because we aren't even close to having money like that, it was His way of telling me "not right now."  

I found a perfect opportunity for an evening nanny two nights a week that was going to pay very well.  I emailed the lady my info, and 30 minutes later, I had a call from her wanting to set up an interview!  I felt like my prayer was immediately answered, and Heavenly Father was presenting me a way to make this work.  I had an interview with the lady on Wednesday night, and Kyhle and I were feeling great!  She was really impressed with me and felt like I would be perfect for what their family needed.  She offered me the position! I told her Kyhle and I needed to discuss some of the details more, and I would get back to her that weekend.  

Saturday, I had to decline the nanny job.  Unfortunately, she was requiring a lot out of me, which was okay, except there wasn't enough compensation to go along with the work.  Her profile was giving a pay rate for a week, and I was only going to be doing 2 days.  It wasn't enough to make it worth it, and I would probably end up losing money in the long run, because I would have had to cut my hours at the daycare.  

So there we were, back at square one, not knowing what to do, and feeling pretty low.  I had to do something else.  I decided I had to do everything possible to find out what our next step could be, and if we had any other options.  I was going to go see a new specialist in January if we weren't pregnant yet, but I decided I didn't want to wait any longer.  I went ahead and set up an appointment with a different fertility specialist to try and get a second opinion.  I liked my last doctor, and I know he's good at what he does, but I just need to see for myself if there is anything else we can do that we haven't tried yet.  I have an appointment to see him next Tuesday morning.  I'm sure I'll have another long post for you after that.  I have a friend who went to this new guy, Dr. Gentry, and she and her husband ended up doing IVF through him and got pregnant on their first round.  They now have a healthy, beautiful girl!  I do know that his office offers a 20% discount on IVF if you pay with cash or check.  I guess that's a perk.  

Okay, I warned you...this is a long post.  I am very impressed and quite surprised if you are still with me. But if you are, thank you!  It means a lot.  I'm not quite done, though. 

I really do try to stay positive and think of all the good that is happening for us in our lives and our marriage.  But sometimes, I just don't want to stay positive. It has been a really rough 2 weeks, and I am just waiting for it to get better, wondering if it will.  

As I was looking through Halloween pictures on Facebook last night, I saw so many cute, creative costumes for little ones, and saw how much fun those families were having with their kids trick-or-treating.  I wish I had stopped scrolling through photos, as I saw a costume that just broke my heart.  A friend of a friend...she's a pregnant 16 year old LDS girl.  She homemade her costume this year.  She wore black sweats with skeleton bones sewn on.  The best part--the skeleton baby on her belly.  She went trick-or-treating like that.  In that moment, I was so angry and hurt.  It only reminded me of what the adoption manager told me.  There aren't enough babies for all of these worthy, married couples, because birth mothers are no longer choosing adoption.  

Kyhle and I went to the temple on Saturday with my best friend, Joanna, and her husband, Austin.  It was a great afternoon!  I was so ready to go there and feel the spirit.  I needed that calm, peaceful feeling.  I needed to be there where I could feel Heavenly Father's presence and feel His love for me.  I needed to talk to Him.  We have set a goal to go once a month, as we have no excuse not to.  I feel like I need to go back tomorrow.  

Thank you for reading.  As I said, it means a lot to me.   I know that it probably gets really old reading about our baby struggles all of the time. For those of you who listening to me talk about it all the time, I am sure you wish I would talk about something else. It is quite consuming.  People can tell us to not think about it, and that we are so young, to just not stress about it.  I will never be able to stop thinking about my future children, and wondering when they will be sent down to join us.