Oreos

Here it goes...

I woke up yesterday morning, Kyhle handed me a test, we waited for 3 minutes...negative.  I called my doctor and spoke to the nurse letting her know the result.  Her response--

"So you're 3 days late, have taken 2 tests and they have both been negative.  Okay, we will go ahead and consider it a negative.  Go ahead and stop taking the Progesterone, and just call us when you eventually get your period.  I will go ahead and place the order for your shots to try this again." 

That's it?  Consider it a negative?  Call when I eventually get my period? Awesome.  

So nothing happened on Friday.  Saturday morning, 4 days late, nothing happened.  What the heck is going on?  Kyhle and I were in Terre Haute for his brother's birthday this weekend, and we came home this afternoon.  As we were exiting off the interstate to pull into our apartment, it hit me.  Cramps.  I knew exactly what kind of cramps these were.  We came inside, put our bags away, and sure enough...it was here.  

So that's it.  I thought I had accepted that we weren't pregnant when I saw the first negative on Wednesday, but I guess I was hoping in the back of my mind that it was false and just still too early to detect.  I can start the shots again on Monday if we choose, and we can start the process as soon as we want.  Unfortunately, this has taken quite an emotional toll on both of us, and I think we are going to wait a month and try again in April instead.  As much as we were trying to stay neutral, we really thought this was our turn.  Unfortunately, things don't always go the way we want them to.  

It's hard for me to not be angry.  It's hard to not be bitter.  I don't want to be that girl, but sometimes, I just need to be that way.  I just need a day or two to be angry, upset, frustrated, bitter, mad, jealous, envious.  Or maybe I need a whole week to feel those emotions.  I need to get those emotions out and not have to feel like I am holding anything back.  

I just want to lay down under my blanket and eat Oreos for the rest of the day, faithfully taking Midol.  Maybe even the rest of the weekend.  If I'm not eating Oreos, I just want to be asleep.  That way I don't have to feel sad, or even mad.