Figure It Out

I have been contemplating what to write on here for the past week.  I had an appointment with my fertility specialist last Thursday, and I have been wanting to talk about it.  I know people are curious to know what happened.  I think I just didn't really want to talk about it.  Or I just felt like I didn't know how to talk about it.  Or I felt like I didn't want to think about it.  

Some days I just feel so bitter and like I must be horrible to be around.  I think that's why I try to stay out of the spotlight.  I stay away from activities and people.  Then other times, I feel like I can be positive, happy, and upbeat.  Well which is it today?  I'll let you know when I find out! 

Stop reading now if you don't want details, or are not interested in reading a long, drawn-out post.  

Okay...

My appointment was somewhat of a flop.  Sometimes I just feel so incredibly frustrated with my doctor.  I feel like he is just in his career for the money.  He wants everyone to choose IVF, and if they don't, he doesn't give them his best attention and support.  Frustrating.  Basically, we talked about what he would want me to do if we were to choose the IVF route, and told me I need to get my body healthy and ready.  I totally agree with that.  Even without doing IVF I agree with that.  He recommended me to a Dietitian, and I have made an appointment for next week.

We then talked about a different option that I have.  Did he bring this option up to me?  Of course not.  Why?  Because it doesn't pay him as much money.  (At least that's how I feel about it.)  It is a 3-week course of injections I will give myself into my stomach to stimulate my hormones (FSH.)  It is basically a steroid shot to vamp up my engines.  After the 3 weeks, they would then do Artificial Insemination, also known as IUI.  I won't go into the details of an IUI, as you can just look it up if you are really interested!  

Here are some stats for us personally

IVF success: 65-75%

IUI success: 35-45%

IVF would cost: $11,000

IUI would cost: $350

No, we are not going to do IVF.  At least not for like 10 years.  It's just not right for us right now.  But the FSH/IUI...how could I say no to that?  It is a very reasonable option, and it's a chance for us to be pregnant, and me to experience child birth.  Maybe.  If it's successful.  One of the reasons I am hesitant is because I don't want the feeling of being crushed if it doesn't work.  I would go through that month of giving myself shots that will make me a severely crazy, hormonal, and miserable-to-be-around woman.  Then I would have this procedure thinking the whole time that "we" are creating a baby.  What if we don't?  What if the procedure fails and then we have no baby and are out $350?  Is it worth it? 

My sweet Kyhle has been amazing throughout the past year.  We saw a specialist a year ago in January.  What a year it has been for us.  I always apologize to Kyhle and tell him I know he didn't sign up for this.  He just wants to be young, in love, and enjoying married life.  Yet, here he is with a 23 year old wife who is constantly in tears, depressed, and can't watch anything with babies/birth/adoption/infertility without bursting into tears.  I have very happy days, and I have very sad days.  I talk about babies, and what we can do to have our baby all the time.  I try to keep it inside and just hold my tongue about things, but then it just gets that much worse.  

I don't know how to let go.  We said we would think about the FSH/IUI procedure, and take some time to talk about it.  I don't want to take time.  I want to just do everything we can, as much as possible.  But my sweet husband needs time.  He needs a break.  I think about how this changes my life so much.  I think about the challenges this has given me, and the stress is has brought to my life.  People do not understand what it is like, unless they have been through it.  But I don't understand what it is like for my husband.  I don't understand how he is feeling.  All I know is I can't have babies.  I am holding him back from becoming a daddy.  I have something wrong, and the doctors can't figure out what it is.  Why does it seem especially hard around the Holidays? 

I want to figure it out.  For me and my husband.