Challenging. Rough. Difficult. Exhausting. Crummy. Depressing. Frustrating. Sad.
Blah.
On my first post, I explained that this was a blog for me. It has my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. Well, this week, and especially today, I am feeling "blah." I try to stay as positive as possible, and not let this all bring me down, but you can only put on a smile for so long. My smile is fading...at least for this week.
I had an appointment with my OBGYN this morning. She's great, and I really like her. But today, she wasn't so great, and I didn't really like her. Why? Because she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. I don't know why I was expecting anything different. She's not going to magically make me become pregnant, though that would be fantastic. A girl can dream, right? When telling me I needed to get the "Whooping Cough vaccine," I told her I didn't think it was necessary because I'm not going to get pregnant. She made me get it anyway. Ha!
She then discussed IVF with me again, and asked me if that was the path we were wanting to choose to have a family. I explained to her that we were more of the adoption route, which she totally supported, but then she started talking about how I would have great chances with IVF because I am young and in good health. Well, thanks, but that doesn't change the fact that it costs $15,000!
Here's the IVF breakdown:
Total cost - $14,857
Insurance covers - $4,032
NOT covered - $10,825
Okay, so when you look at it that way, it doesn't look so bad. I think that would be about $2,000 more than adoption. But, insurance will only cover that while I am still under my dad's. Once I turn 26, I have to get back on my own, and we don't know what would be covered at the time. She definitely got me to thinking. Of course I want to be pregnant. I've always wanted to be pregnant! I've always wanted to experience what it is like to have your child growing inside of you, and have that connection. I've always wanted to feel my baby kick. I've always wanted to go through labor and delivery. Crazy? Very.
Sometimes I just have to be sad. I have to allow myself to let go and cry. Just get it all out. Tuesday morning, "she" arrived. On time. Not late, not early. To top it all off, I went to a baby shower later that night. It's a cruel world. I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it through the whole thing. All the women around me were talking about their kids, and there were 3 adorable babies there, too. I'm grateful I went, but it might be a while before I do that again.
I was talking to my doctor today about some emotions, and she said something that really stuck out to me. She told me that I am right in the middle of my battle with infertility. I have done everything I can do. Everything that I could fix, I fixed. Everything I could change, I changed. I've done my part.
I keep thinking I have started to accept everything. Then I log on to my Facebook, and someone new is announcing they are pregnant. Or they are announcing if their baby is a boy or girl. Or they are posting maternity pictures. Or they are complaining about aches, pains, nausea. (I'm not judging.) Or they are posting pictures of their brand new babe. I then realize I don't think I will ever accept it.
It's unacceptable.
Rebecca, your post just breaks my heart. I can just feel your righteous yearnings to be a mother oozing off the screen. It took me back to what seems now, another lifetime. I don't think you know that we lost our first son, Benjamin. I was very young and we were very much newlyweds. I remember walking around in a daze for the longest time. My emotions were so all over the board. I felt jealousy and rage towards women who were able to conceive and give birth...especially those who I deemed unfit mothers. I felt relief that I didn't have to be a mother yet, then I felt guilty for feeling relieved. I felt broken and useless...wasn't this my divine role? Wasn't this supposed to work? I received some great advice that I am going to pass on to you. Embrace the moment and don't try to perfect it. Live it and let it be. Whatever you are feeling in a moment is what you need to feel in that moment. It's not wrong. Let it be. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself you are in the middle (like your doctor said) be in the middle...not at the beginning or at the end...just be where you are today. I love you and will pray for you tonight.
ReplyDeleteSo I know our situations aren't the same, but I do know what unacceptable feels like. You do everything you can on your part, but (in my case) the divorce papers still get filled. I tried to ignore the choices I had to make but that only made it worse. I wanted to be miserable because it was unfair and that's how I felt and I didn't want to make the hard choices. But that wasn't helping my family. So I had to "accept" reality and make some choices even if that meant moving home with my parents. I'm still working on accepting it, so don't feel like you're not allowed to me mad or sad or whatever else you're feeling because those emotions are going to come, you just can't let them consume you. And seeing everyone have what you want, I know that feeling too. You're beeing a great friend, but you will know what is best for you and when it will be ok to attend or give them the present later.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this is such a rough time for you and I hope you will excuse my advice. You and Kyhle are an adorable couple ;) And I know you'll figure out which route is best for you!
You have every right to feel whatever emotions you're feeling, and to have days where you are just going to be sad. Just remember that it's after all we can do that then the Savior comes in and makes up for what we can't do ourselves. Draw close to Him and He will sustain you through these difficult and frustrating and sad times. I'm glad you have people who contact you and share their struggles as well. It helps to bond with others through common grieving. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI have lots of friends and family dealing with infertility, and I hate to see it... Have you ever thought of having a family fast for you to get pregnant? or a blessing?Couldn't hurt.
ReplyDeleteThe costs of IVF sound high, but not really compared to our school debt. Have you thought about doing some kind of donation box on this blog for your costs of adoption/IVF procedures? We'd love to donate to your cause and I'm sure others would too. Just a thought.