Coping

Lately I have realized there are some things I should save to write about in my own personal journal.  Then I remembered how so many of you have complimented me on my positive attitude, how strong I seem to be during our treatments, and how you have admired the faith we have shown.  While I do try to stay positive and faithful, I feel like I'm not always being completely honest about my true feelings.  

I am having a hard time coping with the loss of our pregnancy.  It will be three months next week, and I can truly say it has been the hardest three months of the last 4 1/2 years.  I feel so sad all of the time, and can't stop thinking about what may have been.  When I was talking to my sister a couple weeks ago, I told her, "I would have been 15 weeks today..."  She replied, "You remember that?"  I said, "How can I forget?"  A friend of mine told me that she miscarried 15 years ago, and still remembers what would have been her baby's due date.  

June 30

Exactly one week before my birthday, and 9 days before our anniversary.  

I have never struggled being around babies, pregnant women, or baby items.  In fact,  I always wanted to be the one holding a baby, and loving them as if they were my own.  I hate the fact that it is hard for me to do now.  I hate the fact that seeing the baby section at Target makes my heart ache, and I hate the fact that I haven't gone to Buy Buy Baby since I miscarried.  Another thing I hate is when I find out a lady is pregnant, I say to myself, "I hope she doesn't miscarry."  

Being a member of the LDS church, we are taught from a young age of the importance of families, and our role as mothers.  It is planted in our heads at a very young age, and it is what we are taught to become.  We are taught to multiply and replenish the earth, and that it is the most important thing we will ever do.  

The other day I told Kyhle that I needed to find a way to not think about it all the time.  I feel like babies, treatments, and infertility have just taken over my life, and I don't know how to get it to stop.  Sometimes I like to just be alone.  I don't always want to be around a lot of people, and I especially don't want to be around a lot of babies.  To be honest, church is one of the hardest places for me to be.  I don't know how to have a conversation with someone and not bring it up.  I worry that I am becoming annoying to my friends and family, and that they wish I wouldn't talk about it so much. 

This is what is happening in my life. Right now, this is what is most important to me.  I want to spread awareness, and I want to help people understand what it means to not be able to just plan out when I want to be pregnant.  I have loved developing new relationships with fellow infertility sisters, and I love being able to help them.  Our reasons for not being able to have children may be completely different, but the pain is the same.

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream