Decisions

We have had to make a lot of decisions lately regarding our possible future family.  Making decisions can be so stressful, and really takes it's toll.  I become excited one minute about the possibilities, and then fear starts to control my emotions and I can't help but be scared of all of the bad things that could happen.  But how will you know until you try, right?  

Over the last couple of months, we have been going back and forth about whether to try Artificial Insemination (also known as IUI) or not.  Luckily, our insurance covers almost all of the costs, which is amazing, so it would be about $350.  Not bad at all!  When we tell people that, their response is always, "Then why would you not do it?  You have to try it!"  

The money isn't the issue.  The issue is the fears of all of the what ifs.  It will take a physical, mental, and emotional toll on both Kyhle and myself.  What if I go through with all the medications, injections, mood swings, crazy hormonal mess, and it doesn't work?  Or what if it does work, and then I miscarry shortly after?  I would want to be so excited about being pregnant, but in the back of my mind, I would constantly be worrying about losing it.  

We went to lunch with Kyhle's mom yesterday, and had a long talk with her about everything we are feeling, and what all is happening.  I told her my fears and she said, "You can't live like that.  You have to keep the positive attitude.  You can't walk around saying you don't want to try something because you are scared it won't work."  She then went on to tell me that we have to try everything we can, and that we can't give up.  I had to hold back my tears because of being in a restaurant, and I knew if I cried, she would cry.  I hope she doesn't mind me sharing all of this!  Something she said that meant so much to me was the following: 

"There are so many little Porter babies up in Heaven right now, and their spirits are just waiting to come down to you.  They will come.  You are one of the strongest people I know, and you will get through this.  I am your biggest cheerleader and I will do whatever I can to help you guys and support you." 

So it was time.  Time to make the final decision of what our next step would be.  During our drive home from Terre Haute last night, we talked and talked about our fears, our hopes, our dreams for our family and future children.  I love those talks.  

We made the decision to go ahead with artificial insemination!  Our first round will start around the end of this month.  This is a huge step for us, and we are so excited to take it.  But of course, we can't help but be nervous and fearful of it not working.  On the other side, we  I now can't stop talking about baby, baby, baby!  Of course my hopes are up.  I try to tell myself they aren't, and try to be realistic, but reality is...this could work, and we could be pregnant very soon.  

I will know more details in about a week, but here's the gist for now:

I will go in for my initial ultrasound, and they will make sure everything looks good and clear to start medicine.  I will then give myself a shot in my tummy every evening for a week to stimulate the hormones.  Then I will go back in for another ultrasound and they will check the size of my follicles.  (Lots of technical terms!  Look them up for further info.)  I will probably continue giving myself the shots for a couple of weeks, going in and out of my doctor's office for ultrasounds and blood work.  When the follicles are the right size, we will then do the "transfer", which will only take 20 minutes.  We have decided to transfer 2 eggs instead of just one, to increase our chances of success.  There is a chance both will take, and we could be blessed with twins.  There is also a slight chance they could both take, and one could split, resulting in triplets, but that is a very slim chance.  And then of course there is a chance only one would take, or possibly none.  

So that's that.  I'm sure I will write a lot during my injection weeks, and let you know how we are handling that!  I have been warned that the injections (shots) are worse than the evil drug I used to take, Clomid.  Oh, fun!  I have already apologized to Kyhle in advance! :) In all seriousness, we are so grateful for this opportunity, and are trying our best to stay positive and think happy thoughts.  

“Your Father in heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him.” 

-Jeffrey R. Holland