One Week

It all started on Tuesday, October 21.  I left work at 12:30, waiting for the phone call with our test results.  I woke up that morning with a bad feeling, and I just felt like it was going to be a negative. Why not?  I've never had a positive, so why would this be any different, right?  I couldn't focus at work all morning, and I started trembling around 12:00.  I drove home, curled up on the couch, and stared at my phone.  I kept staring, staring, and staring.  I was watching Dancing With The Stars to try and distract myself, but it just wasn't working.  Then 2:45...the phone rang.  I looked down and saw the doctor's number and I immediately started crying.  I was terrified to answer.  

Me: Hello?

Maria: Hey, Rebecca!  How are you?

Me: I'm alright...how are you?"

Maria: It was positive, mommy!!

Cue the tears.  Man, I don't remember the last time I cried like that.  I was in complete shock.  I could barely talk to her, as I couldn't slow myself down from crying.  I just kept saying, "Are you serious? Are you sure?" She then proceeded to tell me that my levels were great and there was no denying the positive result.  She told me I would come back in two days for the 48 hour check up and make sure my numbers increase/double.  I told her thank you over and over again, hung up the phone, and sat on my couch in heavy tears for a good 15 minutes before I even called Kyhle.  The dogs were so confused why I was crying, so they were licking me, nudging me with their heads, and getting right in my face trying to make sure I was okay.  I swear they knew what was happening.  I then calmed myself down enough to call Kyhle. 

Kyhle: Hey...

Me: Hi, daddy!

Kyhle (in tears): Oh my gosh, are you serious?

Me (in tears): Yep!! It was positive!

Kyhle: Okay, I have to call you back!

I then texted my good friend who just gave birth to her beautiful twins via IVF, and called my best friend to let her know our news.  I was on cloud nine--I couldn't sit still.  Was this real? I waited and waited to tell my parents because I wanted to tell them in person with Kyhle and waited for him to get home at 6:30.  As soon as he walked in the door, we headed over to my parent's house.  My poor parents waited the entire day to find out our news.  As we walked in their front door, they were sitting at the table eating dinner.  They looked up at us with nervous faces, we smiled, I shrugged my shoulders, and said, "Well...I'm pregnant!"  I then started crying again and my parents jumped up and gave us huge, loving hugs.  It was the best feeling.  We sat with them and they told us they couldn't focus all day because they were just so anxious to find out.  Dad said he did yard work for 2 hours after work to help distract him.  Kyhle called his mom and step dad and shared our news with them, and there were happy tears all around. 

We then sent out a group text to my siblings, Aunt, Uncle and cousins.  It sure was fun to read their excited, happy responses.  My sister, Laura, called me in complete shock because she thought I wasn't finding out for another week! She was talking about how she was so excited to plan a baby shower for me, and how fun it would be to finally be able to shop for my own baby.  

"We don't know if it's a Yankees fan, or a Cardinals fan, but it is definitely a baby!" 

We left my parents and went to Olive Garden to celebrate.  We announced on Facebook our happy news, and we were shocked and happily surprised at the loving response from all of our friends and family.  We were truly amazed at the amount of support we had and how many people were following our story.  We love you! 

I just couldn't believe it.  We were pregnant.  We were having a baby.  After over four years of trying, 4 failed IUIs, 6 months of Clomid, many sleepless nights, surgery for endometriosis, 1 round of IVF with our one good embryo, it was time.  Our baby was in my tummy.  Kyhle spent the next few days rubbing my belly, kissing it, and we were talking about names, nursery ideas, and doing research on things I should and shouldn't eat.  It was baby time. 

I had more bloowork on Thursday, and they were looking for my levels to double.  They went from 32 to 51, so it was good they at least increased.  They told me that they would test me again on Monday and to stay cautious...

Monday morning I went in for my lab work.  I waited all day for another phone call, just like waiting for our answer the previous Tuesday.  Around 2:30 in the afternoon, the nurse called.  When I answered, I heard it in her voice. 

Whitney: Hey Rebecca...how are you?

Me: I'm okay...

Whitney:  Well, unfortunately your level dropped back down to 30.  

Me: Oh, okay...

Whitney:  I'm so sorry, but Dr. Gentry doesn't think this is a viable pregnancy.  

Me: Okay. 

Whitney:  We'll have you come back Wednesday and see if it drops again. 

Me: Okay. 

I left work immediately, and knew that my mom was home from work sick that day, so I went straight to their house.  It was a surprise to my mom when I walked in their door and yelled her name.  She came to the stairs, I told her the news, and we sat and talked.  My dad happened to come home from work early that day, so when he walked in and saw I was there, he knew something was wrong. I hated having to tell them.  I hated that it wasn't the news we were wanting to hear.  I hated that just like that, it was over.  

I then called the nurse back and asked a few more questions.  She told me they've seen crazy things happen, and there was a small chance my numbers could go back up, as that just happened to a patient a couple of weeks ago.  So we had a little more hope to hold on to.  We had to pray and have faith, and put it in Heavenly Father's hands.  I couldn't accept that it would be over.  I had to believe that it would still be okay.  

I got the call at 12 today--my level dropped again down to 11.  They told me to stop my progesterone support, and let the miscarriage happen naturally. That was it.  Our joyous, happy week came to an abrupt end.  We no longer had a reason to celebrate, just more heartache.  They said that they'll have me come in next Tuesday to meet with the doctor and we will discuss our next step and whether or not we should try IVF again...starting over from the beginning since we have no frozen embryos.  We will also discuss doing genetic testing to find out if my body can carry a pregnancy or find if there are any other hidden issues.  

We are heartbroken.  Kyhle and I went from our highest high to our lowest low.  It's amazing how quickly something can be taken away from you.  We have to believe there is a reason for all of this struggle, and we have to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.  But I can't help but feel a little angry and confused.  Why would I become pregnant and just carry my precious baby for one week?  Why would I be given such a strong, righteous desire to be a mommy ever since a I was a little girl, and then be given this specific trial?  I know there is a reason.  I just have to trust Heavenly Father that He will provide is his time. 

We will always cherish that one week of happiness.  That one week of pure joy and love for our sweet baby.  We will always carry that baby in our hearts and will never go a day without thinking about them, wondering if it was a son or a daughter, wondering if they would have been tan like daddy or pale like mommy. ;) Wondering what it would have been like to experience pregnancy, labor and delivery. We will always love our little June baby, and pray that someday, we will understand why we weren't able to raise them here on earth. 

We'll love you forever, little baby.