Options

There will always be surprises along an infertility journey, but starting birth control pills seems to be a tad ironic to me.  I feel like we just took 5 steps backwards!  I know in my last post I said we were done with IUI, but we decided to try one more time.  When I went in for my routine ultra sound scan a couple of weeks ago, they found a large, 20 mm cyst on my right ovary.  This means that I did not ovulate during the month of March, and the follicle turned in to a cyst instead.  To shrink the cyst, they started me on a high estrogen birth control for 3 weeks.  I will have my next scan on Friday, and if the cyst isn't smaller than 15 mm, then I will have to have another laparoscopy to remove it.  

I knew if the cyst didn't shrink enough, then we would have to put the IUI off another month (at least), but I was just told this past Friday that surgery would be the next option, and that threw me for another loop.  My parents and I met with Dr. Gentry this last Friday to discuss why the cyst developed, and if doing another IUI would be the right decision, or if we should move on with a different option.  Dr. Gentry did tell us that while IUI isn't a horrible idea, we would definitely have a much better chance if we move on and do IVF.  Also if we were to do IVF, we would find out if my eggs are even capable of fertilizing.  I already had ordered my meds for another IUI, but the same meds can be used for an IVF, so I will just save them for now and make more decisions later on. We can't decide anything until we figure out if surgery will be necessary or not.  Dr. Gentry did say that having surgery could be good because then he could go in and check for any endometriosis and "clean me out" before we do anymore treatments.  When I asked them when we would do it, they said it would probably be the end of April/early May.  The idea of having another surgery so soon and having to take a couple of weeks of work last minute like that just stresses me out to no end!  Praying that everything will turn out okay, and the cyst will either be gone or small enough to not require any more work. 

For some reason, I can't let go of the possibility of doing IVF.  Not only has it been my dream since I was a little girl to be a mommy, but it has also always been a dream of mine to be pregnant.  I remember stuffing my shirt with a pillow and walking around pretending I was pregnant, and posing with my "pregnant belly" in the mirror.  I still have moments where I will look in the mirror and imagine what I would look like carrying my baby.  How do I let go of that dream?  Ever since marrying Kyhle, I've always tried picturing what a baby would look like with a little bit of him and a little bit of me.  I go through our old baby pictures and close my eyes to think of our babies.  I am also only covered on this insurance until my 26th birthday (one more year), and it currently covers all blood work, ultra sounds, and medicine, which is HUGE!  I feel like I have to take advantage of such good coverage while I have it.  

A friend of mine recently found out she is pregnant with twins through IVF!  I am so incredibly happy and excited for her, but it definitely makes me rethink our next steps.  I can't help but wonder, "If she got pregnant and is having twins, then maybe it'll work for us!"  I can't think that way.  Every woman is different, and every journey is different.  Dr. Gentry has told me a few times that I am a "rare case".  I told my mom that I wish he would look at me and say, "You know what?  You are a special case, a special couple, and I want to do everything I can to help make your dream come true, so I will do all of this pro bono!" Now wouldn't that be a dream come true?  ;)

Some days and weeks are just rougher than others, and I have to remember that everyone is battling something.  This just happens to be our battle.  I have to remember that my patriarchal blessing says that I will be a mother, and I have to lean on that, and have faith that it will happen when it is supposed to happen.  I have to remember that just because we don't have the 1-2 children we thought we would have by now, doesn't mean we aren't a family.  I am so grateful for my little family with Kyhle, Jeter, and Gehrig.  I have to remember that I am a wife, an Aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a teacher, a niece, a cousin, and a granddaughter.  I just can't wait for the day that I can add "Mommy" to that list.