Happiness VS. Heartache

So much can happen in just a little over a month--some good, some not so good.  Sometimes there is so much happening that you don't have the time to just stop and think for a minute.  That is definitely how I have been feeling, and I haven't quite decided if I am grateful for that or not.  

We did our fourth IUI on February 5.  They say not to take a pregnancy test until 14 days, or you may get a false positive/negative.  Obviously I couldn't wait, so on day 9, I took a test. Positive.  I was in complete shock!  I just stared at the test for the first few minutes not knowing what to think.  I of course then broke into tears, still not knowing what to think.  Day 10, I took a test.  Positive.  What?  Is this real life!?  I wish.  

Two days after the expected date, my cycle started.  Pain, cramping, back aches, headaches...severe pain.  Later that day, I called the doctor with some concerns (I'll spare you the details), and the nurse said not to worry about it and it was just a little different this time and should calm down in the next day or so.  Five days later, I was still in a lot of pain, mixed with other concerning symptoms.  Unfortunately, Kyhle was out of town on a business trip in DC, so I was by myself on this one.  Day six, Thursday, the nurse called to check on me and see how my symptoms were doing.  After our talk, we came to the conclusion that my suspicions were correct.  I had experienced a second chemical pregnancy, also known as a miscarriage before 5 weeks.  My first was on August 8, 2012.  

I guess it was somewhat good timing, as we left for vacation in California the next day.  I didn't have much time to think about it and dwell on it.  Kyhle and I thoroughly enjoyed our whole trip in rainy California, and are so happy we were able to pick up his brother, Saxon, from his mission in Santa Rosa.  We enjoyed each other, enjoyed travelling, enjoyed spending time with family, enjoyed eating at new restaurants and really enjoyed driving all over Kyhle's LA mission and meeting a few of his favorite people.  We really didn't think about what happened a few days before.  

Sadly, on our way home from California, we got a call from Kyhle's step dad saying that our precious girl, Millie, had passed away.  We were in complete shock, as it was a total surprise.  She was just 2 years old, and we brought her home from the shelter when she was just a 7 week old pup.  We had two amazing, wonderful, fun years with her, and miss her dearly.  The last week without her here has been incredibly rough, and we have been spoiling Jeter like crazy.  He misses his sister and best friend, and he has been even more attached to us now than he was before.  Millie was my baby.  Kyhle took me to pick her out a month after we found out having children was going to be a challenge for us.  She was supposed to be my baby to take care of and love on, until I could have one myself.  It seems cruel to me that she was taken from us a week after a failed pregnancy.  I am trying to see the positive in the situation, and cherish my memories with her, and I am anxious to find out what she has in store for us.  

We thought we would try the IUI one more time, but over the last week, I have been feeling like that just isn't what we are supposed to do.  Something changed with my insurance plan, and now I can't use my discount pharmacy, and we'll have to pay 10% of my medicines.  I feel like it's just not worth it, and not how we are going to have a family.  It's hard to think about sinking money in to something so many times that just keeps failing while also emptying your wallet.  

I have been feeling strongly about learning more about adoption and our options through that journey.  I went ahead and made the call today to LDS Family Services to learn more about them, and try to set up a meeting with a counselor.  I had a great chat with a lady, and learned that while it is still a long, hard, tiring process, approval doesn't take as long as expected.  However, waiting for the birth mother to choose you can be excruciating.  She has emailed me all of the initial paperwork including the application, the Bishop recommendation, the insurance papers, and the packet of training courses we have to take.  We still haven't found out how we will pay for it, obviously.  I have been looking in to adoption loans and grants, trying to find ways to fund everything.  I have a friend also trying to adopt, and she has started making bibs and other items to sell to help save.  We have a lot to figure out for that, but I am feeling more and more that adoption is the route to go, and we should start sooner rather than later.  

I will never stop yearning to be pregnant, but I am feeling the need to be a mother stronger than I am feeling the need to be pregnant.  My sister-in-law told me that's when she knew she was ready to adopt, and now I understand what she meant.