Eat More Chikin!

Kyhle and I are so happy to report that our Chik-Fil-A fundraiser what a great success!  What a great way to raise money!  Everyone gets a yummy meal, and we get one step closer to reaching our goal.  We received 20% of the profits (for the meals that our name was mentioned), and we totaled $195!  Do you realize that means about $1,000.00 was spent in meals that day?  WOW!  We really do have the best friends and family.  Thank you!!

We loved receiving pictures throughout the day of our friends enjoying their chicken.  It was a fun way to see who was out supporting the cause, and I love that we will always have these pictures to remember how we were able to achieve such a goal.  I have to say, Kyhle and I were so pleasantly surprised at the amount of support we received from our church family, the Greenwood 2nd Ward!  We had no idea so many of you would spread the word and join us that day.  We are so thankful for our ward and the love we felt that day, and continue to feel ever since. 

We had friends take flyers with them and pass them out at the restaurant, and a friend who passed them out in the drive through.  One of our favorites from the day was a friend who just delivered a baby at Community South and her hubby went and got her a shake so they could support us!  The photos are screenshots from my phone, but enjoy! 

Hasta La Vista, Lupron!

You can't see me, but I am doing a happy dance!  I just took what will (hopefully) be my last Lupron injection!  YAY!

I can't tell you how hard the last two months have been from this awful, yet wonderful medicine.  I say wonderful because it is fixing a health issue that is preventing me from carrying a baby, and I say awful because it has given me a crazy amount of side effects.  As I stood in my kitchen with the long, sharp needle just pointing at my thigh, Kyhle wrapped his arms around me and said, "Thank you for your sacrifice for our family."  I love him.  I was so nervous for this shot, and stood there still for a few minutes just nervously finding the courage to inject.  I said, "Okay, this is for you, baby," and stuck my thigh for the last time.  (Until I start IVF meds, of course ;))

The side effects will continue for 28 days, but I am just grateful we are finally moving forward with our process and on to our second round of IVF!  I have felt in such a slump the last three months, after finding out that we couldn't try again until after I took Lupron for three months to shrink/clear my Adenomyosis.  The last thing you want to tell a woman, who has waited patiently for 4 1/2 years for a baby, is that she has to wait 3 more months before she can even try!  

I will have a check up with Dr. Gentry on February 23, and we will discuss getting another MRI to check for the Adenomyosis, and make sure the Lupron did its job, but I'm not too worried about it, since I definitely felt it doing a number on me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  At that appointment, we will also discuss our plan to try a second round of IVF, and get moving with that process all over again.  I am hoping the next three weeks will move quickly, and we can continue taking steps in the right direction.

We have also made amazing progress raising money for the IVF!  Kyhle and I have felt so deeply loved every time we receive a gift from a family member or friend.  We will have such an inspiring story to share with our future children about all of the people in our lives who helped bring them to us.  If you would like to make a donation, simply click the link below and it will direct you to our page.  

Thank you!  

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Coping

Lately I have realized there are some things I should save to write about in my own personal journal.  Then I remembered how so many of you have complimented me on my positive attitude, how strong I seem to be during our treatments, and how you have admired the faith we have shown.  While I do try to stay positive and faithful, I feel like I'm not always being completely honest about my true feelings.  

I am having a hard time coping with the loss of our pregnancy.  It will be three months next week, and I can truly say it has been the hardest three months of the last 4 1/2 years.  I feel so sad all of the time, and can't stop thinking about what may have been.  When I was talking to my sister a couple weeks ago, I told her, "I would have been 15 weeks today..."  She replied, "You remember that?"  I said, "How can I forget?"  A friend of mine told me that she miscarried 15 years ago, and still remembers what would have been her baby's due date.  

June 30

Exactly one week before my birthday, and 9 days before our anniversary.  

I have never struggled being around babies, pregnant women, or baby items.  In fact,  I always wanted to be the one holding a baby, and loving them as if they were my own.  I hate the fact that it is hard for me to do now.  I hate the fact that seeing the baby section at Target makes my heart ache, and I hate the fact that I haven't gone to Buy Buy Baby since I miscarried.  Another thing I hate is when I find out a lady is pregnant, I say to myself, "I hope she doesn't miscarry."  

Being a member of the LDS church, we are taught from a young age of the importance of families, and our role as mothers.  It is planted in our heads at a very young age, and it is what we are taught to become.  We are taught to multiply and replenish the earth, and that it is the most important thing we will ever do.  

The other day I told Kyhle that I needed to find a way to not think about it all the time.  I feel like babies, treatments, and infertility have just taken over my life, and I don't know how to get it to stop.  Sometimes I like to just be alone.  I don't always want to be around a lot of people, and I especially don't want to be around a lot of babies.  To be honest, church is one of the hardest places for me to be.  I don't know how to have a conversation with someone and not bring it up.  I worry that I am becoming annoying to my friends and family, and that they wish I wouldn't talk about it so much. 

This is what is happening in my life. Right now, this is what is most important to me.  I want to spread awareness, and I want to help people understand what it means to not be able to just plan out when I want to be pregnant.  I have loved developing new relationships with fellow infertility sisters, and I love being able to help them.  Our reasons for not being able to have children may be completely different, but the pain is the same.

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Life on Lupron

Last night as I was watching The Bachelor, they were introducing the ladies that are going to be competing for Chris's heart this season.  I got so excited when they introduced Whitney, a fertility nurse from Chicago! I paused the TV, grabbed Kyhle, and excitedly told him about her.  I also immediately put her on my top 10 list. ;) I then started the show back up, quickly pausing it again as I realized I hadn't taken my Lupron shot yet.  If I hadn't of been so excited about a fertility nurse talking about how she helps make babies, I would have totally spaced it and missed my January dose! Thank goodness for The Bachelor. :)

I have been trying very hard to not complain about the side effects that come from Lupron, the injection that is treating my adenomyosis.  All I really care about is that it does what it is supposed to, the three months will quickly come to an end, and we can move forward with our journey.  The last month has definitely had it's challenges, mostly fighting strong migraines, hot flashes, exhaustion, and memory loss.  Sometimes I don't think I notice the memory loss as much unless I am at work.  I often find myself saying, "Now tell me how to do that again...", and there are post-its all over my desk throughout the day with reminders of tasks I need to get done during my day, and also things to do when I get home in the evening.  I will then put the post-its in my purse when I go home, and just hope that I can remember to get them out of my purse once I'm home.  ;)

My other big challenge has been the exhaustion--I want to be in my bed all the time! I love coming home from work, putting on my jams, and just climbing right in to bed.  No energy to clean, no energy to cook, no energy to leave my house, and no energy just to make it out to the couch.  All bed, all the time, sometimes falling asleep for 2-3 hours in the evening, just to go back to bed at 10 or 11 at night. 

Yes, the Lupron is giving me it's challenges, and yes it would be easier if I just didn't have to take it. But I remember (surprisingly) the quote, "Nothing worth having in life comes easy."  Isn't that the truth?  We are all faced with challenges everyday, some harder than others.  It's the way we tackle those challenges that can make us miserable, or remind us that it's just another hurdle to jump, ultimately getting us to the finish line. 

To all of our dear friends and family that have donated to our next cycle of IVF and/or shared our GoFundMe page, we have been so blessed and humbled by your love, support, and generosity.  Thank you!

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

You've Got Questions, We've Got Answers

One thing I have learned from battling infertility is that there are so many different decisions that have to be made and things change all of the time.  Some of the time, you have to make a decision quicker than you would like, or you are told that you can't move forward as you would have hoped, because something else needs to be treated before anymore action can be taken.  Curve balls, my friends.  There seems to be a curve ball around every corner, and you just need to learn how to hit that ball right out of the park. 

After much prayer and consideration, Kyhle and I have decided that we need to try in vitro fertilization (IVF) one more time.  This is not a decision that we have come to lightly.  We know it will take time, patience, and most of all, money.  We also know that this is what worked for us.  We were able to get pregnant on our first round, but unfortunately, since we didn't know about some other problems my body has, we lost that baby at 5 weeks. Now that we have found those underlying issues, and they are being treated, we know that this is the route we are supposed to take to become pregnant again.  

I know that many of you have questions, and some of you ask them, and some of you keep them to yourselves in fear of upsetting us or hurting our feelings.  I'd like to answer as many of those questions, as possible, to help our friends and family (and other readers) understand why we are choosing the IVF route over IUIs, adoption, or altogether stopping.  If you have questions, please feel free to ask. Kyhle and I have been incredibly open (possibly too open) with our process, and are happy to answer any questions you may have.  For now, I will answer the four biggest questions we get most often. If you have been one to ask or wonder, I do hope our answers help. 

Question 1: Why can't you just wait a few years?  You are still so young!

Answer 1: This is a valid question.  However, because of my limited quantity of eggs, I don't have a few years to wait.  Our doctor has given us the facts, and for us, it means that if we want to have biological children, it needs to happen now for it to happen at all.  I am at a high risk for early menopause, and once I run out of eggs, that's it.  Also, IVF is incredibly expensive--$15,000-$20,000.  I am blessed to still be under my parent's insurance just until I turn 26 in July.  That gives us 6 months from now.  With this insurance, IVF is half the price, costing around a total of $8,000.  This is why we need to act fast, and be as pro-active as possible. 

Question 2: Why don't you just adopt?

Answer 2:  First of all, you never just adopt.  Adopting isn't something you just go out and do.  Yes, adoption is very close to our hearts, and something we are very interested in pursing down the road.  However, since our church no longer has an adoption program, we now have to use a private agency, costing anywhere from $20,000-$30,000.  It is a long, grueling process, requiring much patience, faith, time, and energy.  You have to be completely ready to enter the adoption process, and we just aren't at that point yet.  Also, adopting is something that we don't have a time limit on.  We want to try everything we can to have biological children while we know it's still possible for us.  Once Kyhle graduates, we move and buy a home, if we still don't have children, we will start looking more seriously into adoption. 

Question 3: Why don't you just put it in God's hands? Don't you trust that if you're supposed to be parents, God will make you parents?

Answer 3: Us choosing to pursue fertility treatments has nothing to do with not trusting God.  In fact, it because of our faith in our Savior that we are able to continue on, and haven't given up.  We pray all of the time--we pray for strength, for healing, for patience, for guidance, and for peace.  We believe very strongly that Heavenly Father gave these doctors the skills and abilities to help treat couples battling infertility.  Why not use their skills and expertise?  One thing we love about Dr. Gentry is that he will be the first to say that he does his part, and the rest is up to God.  

Question 4: If you can't afford to pay for IVF, how do you think you can afford a baby at all?

Answer 4: I understand the concern behind this question.  Really, I do.  However, how often do you have to pay $10,000 out of pocket at one time for your new baby?  I don't know many couples who have that kind of money just laying around.  Saying a baby is expensive is an understatement.  If everyone had to pay $10,000 to even have a baby, no one ever would. We are faced with having to pay thousands of dollars just to get pregnant, on top of everything you pay once you have that child. 

Kyhle and I are doing what we can to make the IVF possible, but we know it's not something we can do alone.  After all of the medications and treatments we have done to get this far, we can't give up now.  We have the opportunity to try one more time while there's still time and coverage, and we have to take it.  I have one more month of my Lupron shot, and then it will be time to start the medications for the IVF cycle all over again.  

We are very humbly asking for your help in making our lifelong dream of becoming parents are reality.  We have set up a page at GoFundMe again.  They keep 5% of the profits, but it is the easiest way for our friends and family to donate with no hassle.  Any and every amount helps us get closer to our goal.  If you feel like donating isn't something you can do right now, but would like to help us, you can share our blog and our GoFundMe page with your friends, and help spread the word about our story.  Everything helps us, and everything you do means more to us that we could ever put in to words.  

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Thank you for helping us.  Thank you for being there for us, and for following us on our journey.  Thank you for loving us, and supporting us every step of the way.  Thank you for your prayers, your kind words, and your positive thoughts.  We are forever grateful.  

Not Giving Up

During the week of Thanksgiving, I wanted so badly to be thankful for everything we have been blessed with--a warm, beautiful home, secure jobs, loving family, loyal friends, cuddly dogs, more than enough food, and many many more wonderful blessings.  My whole family was able to be home together for Thanksgiving this year, with my parents hosting 22 people in their home for a week, 12 adults and 10 kids 10 and under.  I loved having them here, I loved spending time with my siblings, and I loved getting to know my nieces and nephews better.  However, I couldn't help but feel a gray cloud hanging over my head, full of sadness and heartache.  How could I be so down while having all the people I love the most surrounding me? I felt selfish for not putting my misery behind me and just being thankful for all I have. If you have been feeling sad, lonely, depressed, or just gloomy for any reason, please read this article.  My cousin shared a beautiful article with me that reminded me we can still be thankful, even in our times of sorrow. 

http://shereadstruth.com/2014/11/24/give-thanks-sorrow/

A couple of weeks ago, Kyhle and I had some genetic testing done, and I had an MRI on my uterus to see if we could find the cause of my miscarriage.  Oddly, we were hoping they would find something wrong so we would have an answer and hopefully a way to treat it.  Last week, we got the news that I have a blood clotting disorder, known as "antiphospholipid antibody".  This is when my body creates a blood clot surrounding the baby and doesn't allow the placenta to properly implant.  This is good news, as it is treatable!  They will have me start taking 2 daily shots of Heparin, along with one baby aspirin (a blood thinner) everyday.  If I am able to become pregnant again, I will continue the injections throughout my pregnancy. 

Yesterday, Kyhle and I had a follow up with Dr. Gentry to discuss our next plan of attack, and also get my MRI results back.  We were pretty confident the MRI would come back with no issues, but I couldn't help but feel a bit nervous.  As Dr. Gentry read my results, he told us that I have a condition called "adenomyosis."  This is a condition similar to endometriosis, which I also have.  Adenomyosis happens when you have endometrial tissue growing inside of your uterus, instead of lining it on the outside.  There is an area of tissue about one inch thick inside my uterus.  Women with adenomyosis typically also have endometriosis, but my doctor was shocked to see I have it, as it usually comes after your childbearing years, around the time of menopause.  

Because of my diagnosis, we have to create a whole new plan of attack, as we have to clear the adenomyosis before we can move forward with any possibility of pregnancy.  I will start taking an injection called Lupron, once a month for three months.  The Lupron will put me through a medically induced menopause, as menopause is the only way to clear the condition, aside from having surgery to have it removed.  Dr. Gentry doesn't want to do surgery because he is concerned it would cause more scar tissue, and not allow enough room for a baby to implant.  He told us that unfortunately, it will cause me to go through all of the typical menopause symptoms for the next three months--hot flashes, migraines, weight gain, bleeding, mood swings, and joint and muscle aches and pains.  We are feeling pretty nervous, and quite honestly, a bit terrified.  Just four weeks ago, we were happily pregnant, basking in every single moment of pure joy.  Now we have to put the possibility of any future pregnancy off for three months to go through "menopause" instead.  Doesn't seem too fair, does it? 

Yesterday was a pretty hard, emotional, and all around frustrating day.  Kyhle and I really felt like we were just hit really hard, one thing after another.  Dr. Gentry told us that if there is a challenge a woman can face while trying to become pregnant, I've got it.  He said I am a triple threat with the low AMH levels (not enough eggs), my blood clotting disorder, and my adenomyosis.  He also let us know he hasn't seen a patient this young with all of these issues together.  

Kyhle and I couldn't help but wonder if it truly is all worth it? I will be pumping my body full of medications and hormones for the next 6 months-1 year in hopes of getting pregnant again.  I lose my insurance that gives me some infertility coverage when I turn 26 in July, so we are under a pretty big time constraint.  As I was talking with my friend today, I told her I was ready to just give up and let it all go.  I told her I didn't think it was all worth it--the emotional and physical toll infertility takes on us.  She mentioned that what they found, is all treatable.  They didn't tell me I can't have children.  She said to me told me we just have to pray to Heavenly Father and say, "We've found out some new complications.  They are treatable so we are going to try to fix them.  We're doing all we can to have children biologically.  We're going to try the new treatments and meds til my next birthday, as long as we can pay for it.  After that, we'll pursue adoption.  Help us to trust in the outcome either way."

Kyhle and I can let this get us down.  We can give up, and just say no more.  But we feel strongly that is not what we are supposed to do.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  Always.  I know the Lord would not have given me such a strong, righteous desire if it wasn't meant to be.  We are not quitters.  We know we are meant to be parents, and we know it will happen.  We will continue to have sad days, and some days are harder than others.  Recently, I feel there have been many more sad days than happy, and that's okay.  

                                                                 

One Week

It all started on Tuesday, October 21.  I left work at 12:30, waiting for the phone call with our test results.  I woke up that morning with a bad feeling, and I just felt like it was going to be a negative. Why not?  I've never had a positive, so why would this be any different, right?  I couldn't focus at work all morning, and I started trembling around 12:00.  I drove home, curled up on the couch, and stared at my phone.  I kept staring, staring, and staring.  I was watching Dancing With The Stars to try and distract myself, but it just wasn't working.  Then 2:45...the phone rang.  I looked down and saw the doctor's number and I immediately started crying.  I was terrified to answer.  

Me: Hello?

Maria: Hey, Rebecca!  How are you?

Me: I'm alright...how are you?"

Maria: It was positive, mommy!!

Cue the tears.  Man, I don't remember the last time I cried like that.  I was in complete shock.  I could barely talk to her, as I couldn't slow myself down from crying.  I just kept saying, "Are you serious? Are you sure?" She then proceeded to tell me that my levels were great and there was no denying the positive result.  She told me I would come back in two days for the 48 hour check up and make sure my numbers increase/double.  I told her thank you over and over again, hung up the phone, and sat on my couch in heavy tears for a good 15 minutes before I even called Kyhle.  The dogs were so confused why I was crying, so they were licking me, nudging me with their heads, and getting right in my face trying to make sure I was okay.  I swear they knew what was happening.  I then calmed myself down enough to call Kyhle. 

Kyhle: Hey...

Me: Hi, daddy!

Kyhle (in tears): Oh my gosh, are you serious?

Me (in tears): Yep!! It was positive!

Kyhle: Okay, I have to call you back!

I then texted my good friend who just gave birth to her beautiful twins via IVF, and called my best friend to let her know our news.  I was on cloud nine--I couldn't sit still.  Was this real? I waited and waited to tell my parents because I wanted to tell them in person with Kyhle and waited for him to get home at 6:30.  As soon as he walked in the door, we headed over to my parent's house.  My poor parents waited the entire day to find out our news.  As we walked in their front door, they were sitting at the table eating dinner.  They looked up at us with nervous faces, we smiled, I shrugged my shoulders, and said, "Well...I'm pregnant!"  I then started crying again and my parents jumped up and gave us huge, loving hugs.  It was the best feeling.  We sat with them and they told us they couldn't focus all day because they were just so anxious to find out.  Dad said he did yard work for 2 hours after work to help distract him.  Kyhle called his mom and step dad and shared our news with them, and there were happy tears all around. 

We then sent out a group text to my siblings, Aunt, Uncle and cousins.  It sure was fun to read their excited, happy responses.  My sister, Laura, called me in complete shock because she thought I wasn't finding out for another week! She was talking about how she was so excited to plan a baby shower for me, and how fun it would be to finally be able to shop for my own baby.  

"We don't know if it's a Yankees fan, or a Cardinals fan, but it is definitely a baby!" 

We left my parents and went to Olive Garden to celebrate.  We announced on Facebook our happy news, and we were shocked and happily surprised at the loving response from all of our friends and family.  We were truly amazed at the amount of support we had and how many people were following our story.  We love you! 

I just couldn't believe it.  We were pregnant.  We were having a baby.  After over four years of trying, 4 failed IUIs, 6 months of Clomid, many sleepless nights, surgery for endometriosis, 1 round of IVF with our one good embryo, it was time.  Our baby was in my tummy.  Kyhle spent the next few days rubbing my belly, kissing it, and we were talking about names, nursery ideas, and doing research on things I should and shouldn't eat.  It was baby time. 

I had more bloowork on Thursday, and they were looking for my levels to double.  They went from 32 to 51, so it was good they at least increased.  They told me that they would test me again on Monday and to stay cautious...

Monday morning I went in for my lab work.  I waited all day for another phone call, just like waiting for our answer the previous Tuesday.  Around 2:30 in the afternoon, the nurse called.  When I answered, I heard it in her voice. 

Whitney: Hey Rebecca...how are you?

Me: I'm okay...

Whitney:  Well, unfortunately your level dropped back down to 30.  

Me: Oh, okay...

Whitney:  I'm so sorry, but Dr. Gentry doesn't think this is a viable pregnancy.  

Me: Okay. 

Whitney:  We'll have you come back Wednesday and see if it drops again. 

Me: Okay. 

I left work immediately, and knew that my mom was home from work sick that day, so I went straight to their house.  It was a surprise to my mom when I walked in their door and yelled her name.  She came to the stairs, I told her the news, and we sat and talked.  My dad happened to come home from work early that day, so when he walked in and saw I was there, he knew something was wrong. I hated having to tell them.  I hated that it wasn't the news we were wanting to hear.  I hated that just like that, it was over.  

I then called the nurse back and asked a few more questions.  She told me they've seen crazy things happen, and there was a small chance my numbers could go back up, as that just happened to a patient a couple of weeks ago.  So we had a little more hope to hold on to.  We had to pray and have faith, and put it in Heavenly Father's hands.  I couldn't accept that it would be over.  I had to believe that it would still be okay.  

I got the call at 12 today--my level dropped again down to 11.  They told me to stop my progesterone support, and let the miscarriage happen naturally. That was it.  Our joyous, happy week came to an abrupt end.  We no longer had a reason to celebrate, just more heartache.  They said that they'll have me come in next Tuesday to meet with the doctor and we will discuss our next step and whether or not we should try IVF again...starting over from the beginning since we have no frozen embryos.  We will also discuss doing genetic testing to find out if my body can carry a pregnancy or find if there are any other hidden issues.  

We are heartbroken.  Kyhle and I went from our highest high to our lowest low.  It's amazing how quickly something can be taken away from you.  We have to believe there is a reason for all of this struggle, and we have to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.  But I can't help but feel a little angry and confused.  Why would I become pregnant and just carry my precious baby for one week?  Why would I be given such a strong, righteous desire to be a mommy ever since a I was a little girl, and then be given this specific trial?  I know there is a reason.  I just have to trust Heavenly Father that He will provide is his time. 

We will always cherish that one week of happiness.  That one week of pure joy and love for our sweet baby.  We will always carry that baby in our hearts and will never go a day without thinking about them, wondering if it was a son or a daughter, wondering if they would have been tan like daddy or pale like mommy. ;) Wondering what it would have been like to experience pregnancy, labor and delivery. We will always love our little June baby, and pray that someday, we will understand why we weren't able to raise them here on earth. 

We'll love you forever, little baby.