A Beautiful Heartbreak

What an emotional week it has been. Every day brought something new, something surprising, something overwhelming.  I don't think I have ever felt so many ups and downs in one week!  I will say the ups...definitely outweigh the downs.  

Kyhle and I went to Terre Haute on Sunday to spend the day with his family.  As Kyhle was hanging out with his stepdad in the garage, my mother-in-law and I had time for a nice conversation.  She asked me all about our garage sale the weekend before, and about what all we still have to do for our fundraiser to be able to reach our goal.  We shared personal stories, and she gave me such great advice, and in that moment, I felt so grateful for my relationship with her, and was reminded why I am so blessed to have in-laws who want to help, and care about our journey.  Of course, too, she is ready to be a Grandma. :)

Monday started with a call to my doctor, asking about some symptoms I've been feeling for a few months that led me to believe I could have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome).  Things haven't been "normal" for a few months, and I was starting to get concerned.  After the nurse consulted with my doctor, she called back and said, "I spoke with Dr. Gentry, and he does think you have the signs of a 'PCOSer'.  If you want, we will order some blood work to check your testosterone and insulin, and go from there.  Call us back if that's what you would like to do."  Well of course I start thinking of all these things that should have been done differently in my testing and doctor visits.  However, I realized that I needed to just keep moving forward and not think about what could have been had we known about this sooner.  

Tuesday came along, and I still hadn't been able to reach the doctor's office to let them know we wanted to do the blood work, and I was starting to get very impatient.  I waited all day Tuesday for a phone call, and finally, at 3 PM, she called and told me she faxed the order to the lab, but I had to fast for 8 hours before I get it done.  So we wait 'til Wednesday.  I told my boss I would be late Wednesday so I could stop and get this blood work done first thing in the morning.  

Hello, Wednesday!  I arrived at the lab at 7 AM, got the blood work over with, and asked the phlebotomist how long until I received results. One week! Okay, so we wait.  Wednesday evening, a friend of mine posted a beautiful video by Hilary Weeks, with her new song, Beautiful Heartbreak.  As I watched and listened, I was overcome by such a strong spirit.  I watched the video 4 times over and over again.  As I was listening to her lyrics, tears streamed down my face, and I knew--our journey has been a "beautiful heartbreak."   I went to comment on the post and let my friend know how much I needed to hear that song in that moment.  As I went to comment, I saw my mom had commented right before me.  (My mom does't comment often on Facebook.)  I thought that was a funny coincidence that she watched that video just before I did.  

Fifteen minutes later, around 10 PM, my phone rang.  I was quite surprised to see how late it was getting a call, but when I saw it was my mom, I thought I better answer, and boy, am I glad I did!  What an amazing, incredible, humbling surprise! I took Kyhle's hand and just cried.  

"Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through, was the price that I paid to see this view.  And now that I'm here, I would never trade the grace that I feel, and the faith that I find, through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.  I used to pray he'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

With the help of our family and friends, and most of all, our parents, Kyhle and I have reached our goal, and, will be starting our IVF process in September!  We can't even begin to describe our feelings of gratitude and thanks.  Because of the love, support, and prayers from special people in our lives, we are one step closer to growing our family.  

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.  

Love, Kyhle and Rebecca

A Successful Sale!

We had our garage sale on Saturday, and I am happy to report that we had a great turn out!  My sister, Laura, was generous to offer her garage/driveway to us, and she and her husband, David, were so much help!  Kyhle and I are so grateful for all of their hard work they put in to making this garage sale possible.  My mom was able to haul a mountain of items up to my sister's to donate, so we had a pretty good amount to sell.  On the Saturday before, we went to Laura's to go through all of the items and price everything out.  Families from Laura's ward loaned us some card tables to set up, and that was such a big help.  Thank you, Westfield ward!  

We woke up bright and early Saturday morning, and got everything set up out in the driveway.  We started the sale at 8:30, and we put sings in the front of the neighborhood and on  lamp posts with arrows back to the house, as Laura lives in the back of her neighborhood.  I posted the sale on Craigslist and Facebook, so we were hoping for a good turn out.  

My three year old nephew, Eli, was so excited to have his first lemonade stand and bake sale!  Laura made some brownies and chocolate chip cookies.  Lemonade was 50 cents and the baked treats were 25 cents.  Eli made $5 on his first sale!  The neighbor was outside washing his truck when he saw Eli set up his table, and came on over and put $5 in Eli's cup!  Eli sure did cling tight to that money!  He was such a sweet little sales man, and you just couldn't say no to him.  :)

I was getting worried as a whole hour went by and we had zero customers come by.  I thought the shoppers would be out early!  Finally around 10:00, a few cars pulled up and the sale officially kicked off!  We really sold quite the mixture of items--baby items were definitely most popular.  We sold dishes, radios, jewelry, clothes, toys, CDs, DVDs, a dresser, and a few other pieces of "junk."  We had busy spurts throughout the whole day.  We would go 20 minutes with no action, then 4 cars pull up at once.  We ended up closing the sale at 4 PM, and we were happy with the result of our hard work.  

My dad came up and joined us for the afternoon (mom is out of town), and he seemed to have a good time hanging out and playing with Eli.  The boys played with Eli's toys in the front yard in between sales, and Dad bought us pizza for lunch.  Thanks, Dad!  

We still have SO much left over, that we are hoping to have another sale at my parent's house in Greenwood the first weekend of September (as long as weather permits), so I am hoping we can have an even better turn out.  My parents live in the front of their neighborhood on the main street, and they have a ton of traffic coming through all day.  

And now the results of the sale--we were able to raise $153.00!  How awesome is that?  I wasn't sure what to expect, as I had never had a garage sale before, but seeing as most of what we sold was between 50 cents-$3, I'd say $153 is pretty good!  :)

With the help of our sale, we are now up to $3,289.25 in our baby fund!  We love seeing that number increase!  Every dollar gets us closer and closer to our future baby, and we feel so excited and anxious to get to our goal.  I can't believe what we have been able to do in a matter of three months.  We are hoping to do our IVF in September or October, so I am excited to see what we can do in the next couple of months!  

Come Shop With Us!

As we work to raise enough money to do our IVF (in vitro fertilization), I have a hard time not trying other treatments, as well, such as more IUIs.  I hate feeling like months are going by without doing everything we can to try to become pregnant.  I really want to always be doing everything in my power to have a baby, but I guess working toward raising money is me doing something.  I just hope it pays off!  On the other hand, I have also been enjoying this "time off" from medication, injections, and doctor's appointments.  However, we have not been completely on hold.  We are finally able to have a garage sale!  My sister, Laura, offered her house for us to be able to have a successful sale!  My mom and Laura both gathered a bunch of items from their houses to donate to our sale, and it gave us a great reason to clean out our closets, while also preparing to move.  Kyhle and I were able to collect 6 trash bags full of shoes and clothes!  I feel like I lost 1/2 my wardrobe!  

On Saturday, we went up to Laura and David's house to go through everything, put price stickers on the items, and set everything up.  We are so excited to see how the sale turns out, and are hopeful we will be able to make a dent in our baby fund.  We are also going to have a bake sale outside, along with my nephew, Eli, who will have a little lemonade stand.  The sale will be this Saturday, July 19, from 9:30-3.  Let me know if you'd like to come check out what we have, or maybe buy some cookies/brownies, and I'll give you the address! 

I have also been thinking about asking around to local restaurants and find out if any of them would do a dine to donate for us.  Do any of my Greenwood or Fishers friends know restaurant managers who would be open to that? 

We are definitely making progress thanks to all of YOUR help!  We are always so excited and humbled when we receive a new donation.  We have a dry erase board on our bedroom dresser with all of the donations written down.  On the top, we have how much we've raised, THE GOAL, and how much we have to go.  I love seeing it every morning, and being reminded how truly blessed we are to have family and friends who want to help us make this dream come true.  We are about half way to our goal.  Thank you! 

The Goal: $7,000

Raised so far: $3,036.75

To go: $3,963.25

I am considering doing another bake sale, like my mom did with the teachers at school.  I am curious how many of our friends (local) would be interested in ordering cookies, brownies, or cupcakes if I were to do this?  I am trying to think of other fundraising ideas, as well, but am running low on options.  I am also  happy to baby-sit, if any of my friends would like a date night, or just a couple of hours outside of the house.  I am available in the evenings, and some weekends.  Hit me up; I am more than qualified! :)

If you wold like to make a donation, you can donate directly to our savings on Paypal by using Kyhle's email address: kyhle.porter@gmail.com 

If you do not have a Paypal account, but would still like to donate, feel free to send a check in the mail (ask me for our address), or you can donate on gofundme.com by searching for our names.  

We are grateful for the progress that has been made.  A few months ago, we wouldn't have even imagined we would be where we are now.  With prayers and support from our loved ones, we are making baby steps every day.  That, my friends, feels awesome.  What a difference it makes to be able to talk about this journey, and share it with our friends.  

Making Progress

We got our official IVF packet in the mail last week.  Boy, did that make it feel real!  When I called the nurse to let them know we were working toward it to try for a September or October transfer, she told me she would go ahead and send me all the paperwork and prescriptions so we could plan better and take our time getting everything filled out.  As Kyhle and I were going through the 50 pages (PHEW!) we were surprised at the small details that never even crossed our minds.  We have to inital every single page to acknowledge that we read it and understand it all.  The consent forms were what really made it feel like a big deal.  We have to fill out and sign off on what we will do with the frozen embryos if anything were to happen to one of us, such as divorce or death.  Well of course we hadn't thought of that!  There are three options for each circumstance--1. The living spouse can keep and continue to use the embryos, or if there is a divorce, you can sign off on whether one of you wants to keep them.  2.  You can throw them all away :( 3.  You can donate them to the labs for research.  A friend of mind told me that she heard of a family where the wife passed away, and the grandparents wanted to keep the embryos so they could have a grandchild.  What a crazy situation.  

The packet also had order forms for both Kyhle and myself to get a whole slew of blood tests done before we can start any medications.  I hadn't thought of Kyhle having to get any.  I was also surprised at some of the things they are testing our blood for.  Then of course there was my list of medications required.  I am going to have my own little drug store right here in our apartment!  Even Kyhle has to take some antibiotics to make sure he stays healthy during the process.  It sure feels good to get the ball rolling and feel like we are actually making progress! 

Speaking of progress, I wanted to update you all on our fundraising status!

Goal: $7,000.00

Raised: $2,575.25

To go: $4,424.75

We are pretty excited that the number is getting smaller and smaller!  We have been trying to think of some other fundraising ideas, but I am feeling a little discouraged at our options.  Also, sadly, the part-time job at Lane Bryant fell through due to scheduling conflicts with my full-time job, so I am back to the drawing board for that.  I also feel bummed that at a part-time job,  I won't be able to bring home as much as we'd like.  We were hoping to do a garage sale at my parent's, but timing didn't work out with that, either.   Kyhle keeps telling me he feels guilty for not getting a second job, but I reassure him every day that he is doing exactly what we need him to do by finishing school!  He started classes back up this summer, and should graduate in December 2015!  I am thinking of trying to baby-sit in the evenings and some weekends if anyone wants to go on a date night! ;) I would also be more than happy to stay overnight with kids, as I have done a few other times if parents are wanting to get away for a night.  Keep me in mind! :)

We did our Thirty-one drawing, and the lucky winners were Ashly LaFeber, Laura Hayes, and Missy Hughes!  Congrats to you ladies, and thank you to all of our other friends and family who entered that raffle, while also donating to us! 

If you would like to make a donation, you can donate through the following options:

1. Paypal--use Kyhle's email (kyhle.porter@gmail.com)

2. Gofundme -- you can search our names on the website (Gofundme keeps 5%)

3. Send a check through snail mail :)

In two weeks, I have had five family members and friends announce pregnancies, and another find out they are having twins from a successful IVF, and instead of bringing me sadness and jealousy, I feel a sense of joy and excitement in knowing that our time will come, and we are enjoying the journey along the way.  Our marriage has grown stronger every step of the way, and we have found a new love for each other that we wouldn't have without this experience.  For that, we are grateful.  

Support

Something I have grown to love is searching other infertility/adoption blogs, and reading stories of hope, success, heartache, faith, and love.  My family always gives me a hard time for not sitting down and focusing on a book, but I do!  Only it's blogs instead. ;) I have learned so much through other women (and some men) who have written about their journeys.  Sometimes I end up in tears, sometimes laughter, and sometimes just pure confusion.  I have joined a couple different infertility support groups on Facebook and I have really enjoyed all of the support and love everyone in that group shows each other.  You can talk about everything on that page, vent your frustrations and heartaches, share happy stores and prayers...everyone understands and no one judges.  

Right now, my life consists of working on our treatment plan, and trying to find ways to fund everything.  My focus is usually always on "baby."  When I post on my Facebook or Instagram, many times it has something to do with infertility/babies.  I will post uplifting quotes, funny memes, ecards, etc.  While I realize it can get annoying how much I post about this topic, it is what is going on in my life right now.  This is what we are going through, what we are struggling with, what we are growing from.  I also know that I talk about it a lot in casual conversation with friends and family.  I can see how it can get old to hear about every decision we are trying to make, and every thought that I say when I am thinking out loud. With many women struggling with infertility, all we need is someone to vent to.  We need people who will just let us get out all of our thoughts and frustrations without judgement and without feeling we can't keep talking about it. 

I just hope people know that I am grateful for their listening ears and open hearts.  I know it can get old listening to me talk about the same topic and issues over and over again, but that is exactly what I need sometimes.  This is a journey that needs to be shared.  Too often, women feel they cannot talk about their struggles because others feel it needs to be kept private and personal.  Then they have a failed cycle, horrible medicine side effects, an unexpected cyst that puts everything off a month, and no one to turn to other than their spouse.  While we are grateful for our spouses, we need people outside of our marriage to turn to.  

I am also so grateful for the gospel, and the knowledge I have that Heavenly Father loves us, and answers our prayers.  While we may not understand why something is going the way it is, it will all make sense in the end.  We have to remember that He knows how we are feeling.  He knows our heartaches, and He has felt every ounce of pain we are feeling.  He is there day or night, rain or shine.  I can talk to Him whenever I feel the need to get something off my chest.  I am grateful that this journey has brought me closer to Him.  I have seen on my infertility support page, a lady asked, "I just don't get how any of you can believe in God--he obviously doesn't love us if he makes us go through this..."  That broke my heart.  I know Heavenly Father loves me, and I know that he believes in me and trusts that I will make it through this and be stronger that I have ever been.  He has faith in me, and so I will put my faith and trust in Him.  

Blessings

You know those days where you just can't get your brain to shut off?  I have had so much going through my mind the last couple of weeks, and I keep thinking about blogging, but then put it off because I don't know how to put into words exactly what I have been feeling.  I hope this post doesn't sound like a mumbled jumbled mess, and I hope I don't get my words mixed up, but please just bear with me. :)

As you all know, Kyhle and I have been working on fundraising to help cover in vitro fertilization (IVF). We have done a Thirty-one raffle, and the names will be drawn tomorrow for the winners.  First place will win $100 worth of thirty-one products, and second and third will win $50 in products.  Thank you to all of you who participated in that raffle!!  The support we have felt during that has been a huge blessing. 

During the month of May, my mom's life is pure chaos as she is in the middle of senior projects, finals, and submitting final grades for her seniors.  When she wanted to take breaks from the grading, she would bake cookies and other yummy treats, and then sell them at school in the teachers' lounge.  First she started selling them to her students, and they were loving it!  Unfortunately, she found that she isn't allowed to sell treats to the students for multiple reasons, and the kids got pretty bummed about that.  However, my loving mom helped us raise around $130 from cookie sales!  She would sell 2 cookies for 75 cents, and it seemed to work like a charm.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, to my mom!  It really meant so much to Kyhle and myself that she worked so hard to try and raise as much as she could for us.  She's a true blessing. 

We have also been accepting donations on gofundme and popmoney.  We are incredibly grateful for all of the donations we have received.  Each and every donation means more than you know.  Every time I get a message about a donation, my heart swells with such love and gratitude.  Every amount means that we are that much closer to reaching our goal.  So far, we have raised a little over $1,200!  Two hundred of that has to go to Thirty-one to pay for the raffle prizes, so we are really at $1,000 now.  What an amazing blessing.  

I have also decided to take a second job working part-time at Lane Bryant a couple of evenings and Saturdays.  The money I earn from that job will go straight to our baby account and hopefully it will help us get there even faster.  It will be a sacrifice to lose time on the weekends with family and Kyhle, but we know in the long run it will definitely be worth it.  I was very lucky and fortunate for the way the job was basically handed to me.  I have become friends with the manager from shopping there frequently the last couple of years, and when I asked her if they were hiring, she told me the job was mine if I wanted it and I wouldn't even have to interview!  Another awesome blessing.  

Our hope is to earn enough money to be able to do our IVF by August or September.  I will lose my Lilly insurance (through my dad) when I turn 26 in July of 2015.  We are hopeful we can get pregnant on our first round, but I still feel the pressure of having success within the next year.  When it comes to infertility and insurance, timing is everything!  If you would like to donate to our baby fund, you can donate through the website gofundme.com.  (http://www.gofundme.com/8rg5i4)  They keep 5% of the donations, but we will get the rest.  If you would prefer, you can also donate online at popmoney.com, or mail a personal check/money order in mine or Kyhle's name.  Our goal is to raise $5,000.  If you have questions on how you can donate, please don't hesitate to ask one of us.  I wish there were a better way to say thank you, and express just how lucky we feel to have friends and family who want to help and support us.  

As Kyhle and I approach our 4th anniversary next month, I am reminded of all we have endured together to become parents and bring a child into our family.  While it hasn't been how we planned, it's our story.  What a journey the last 4 years have been.  We have grown tremendously individually and as a couple.  When I sit and tearfully ask Heavenly Father, "Why?  Why me?  Why us?"  I remember all of the blessings we have received in our marriage, big or small, and how we would not be where we are today without this trial.  We have made friendships with other couples also struggling that we wouldn't have without this.  Our marriage has never been stronger, and while our testimonies have been tried at times, we know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and his plan is perfect.  I cannot blame myself for not being able to become pregnant naturally.  I cannot feel like I am holding Kyhle back from the gift of being a parent.  I have to remind myself that he married me because he loves me, and not because I could give him children.  We will love, cherish, and care for our sweet baby even more because of what we have been though to bring them to us.  I am grateful for that, and I have to remember that during harder times. 

Our Journey So Far

Kyhle and I were married in July of 2010.  We wanted to have children right away, and knew we wanted at least four kids.  Fast forward 12 months, and still no baby.  I met with my OBGYN to talk about why were weren't pregnant yet, and see if there was anything we could do differently.  She put me on Clomid (the evil drug) and thought that would solve our problems.  Fast forward 6 months, and still no baby.  January of 2012, we met with our first RE, also known as a fertility specialist.  We did some testing and blood work, and Kyhle got a clean bill of health and everything looked good on his end.  In May of 2012, I had a laparaoscopy where they found stage 1 endometriosis, along with a cyst on one of my tubes.  They also checked and made sure my tubes were clear.  On August 8, 2012, I had my first chemical pregnancy, which is a miscarriage before 5 weeks.  We decided to try Artificial Insemination, also known as IUI, and I used gonal-F injections, HCG trigger shot, and progesterone.  We ended up doing two IUIs with Dr. Carnovale, and both treatments failed.  

We took some time off over the summer of 2013, and then met with a new RE, Dr. Gentry, in November of 2013.  He did cycle 3 labs and found that I have a low AMH level, also known as my ovarian reserve, or egg count.  I was born with a smaller amount of eggs than the average woman, and so I will run out earlier than most women.  For a 25 year old, the number should be 2-3, and my number was 0.5.  Dr. Gentry summed it up as I need to get pregnant ASAP, and if we want more than one child, we need to cross our fingers that we get multiples, as I have a limited window before running out, and am at high risk for early menopause.  I have done two more IUIs with Dr. Gentry's office, and had my second chemical pregnancy on February 27, 2014.  

We are now at the point of needing to choose a next step between IVF and adoption.  After much prayer and careful consideration, we have decided to go for in vitro fertilization (IVF), as Dr. Gentry believes we have a very high chance of success.  Kyhle and I feel that if there is still that chance of us having our own children, we need to do everything possible to try.  We know that in the end, it is in Heavenly Father's hands, and if we are meant to become pregnant, we will.  We have to put our faith and trust in Him, and know that He has a plan for us.  We believe the Lord placed these amazing doctors in our lives for a reason, and gave them the gift of helping couples like us become pregnant.  One thing we love about Dr. Gentry is his strong faith, and that he will openly talk about how he just does his part, and God does the rest, and that ultimately, it's up to Him.  

Unfortunately with IVF, they do not accept payment plans, and everything has to be paid up front.  I am very grateful and lucky that I am on my parent's insurance plan for one more year until I turn 26.  With that plan, I have some fertility coverage, which is very rare.  All of my blood work and ultrasounds are covered, and I only have to pay 10% of my medications.  However, this is still a very expensive process, and with us only have a year left of this coverage, we are asking for help from our friends and family.  I am in the middle of doing a fundraiser with Thirty-one, and hosting a raffle.  We are also going to be having a garage sale at my parent's house the first weekend in June.  I have also set up an account on "Popmoney", where anyone can send us a donation straight to our savings account.  We originally set up a page on gofundme, but they keep 5% of the proceeds, so we wanted to find a different option where the money went directly to us.  

I wanted to break down the costs of everything, to show you all exactly where your loving donations will be going.  The total cost for IVF at our office is $9,200, with an additional $3,000-$5,000 for medications.  As I said above, we only have to pay 10% of the medication cost.  Grateful for that!  Our office also offers a 20% discount on physician fees if paid with cash, and 10% if paid with card.  

Physician Fees

1 Baseline Ultrasound $340 (Covered)

4 Follicle Ultrasounds $1,080 (Covered)

5 Estradiol Blood tests $675 (Covered)

1 Retrieval $2,080

1 Transfer $850

Total: $2,344 (with 20% discount)

Laboratory Fees

1 Oocyte Identification $975

1 Culture Fertilization day 1-3 $608

1 Culture Fertilization day 4-7 $608

1 Sperm Isolation $370

1 Insemination of Oocytes $525

1 Prep. of Embryo for Transfer $305

Total: $3,391

Surgery Facility

Procedure Room Assessment/Recovery $974

Procedure Room for Transfer $370

Total: $1,344

Pharmacy

$300-$500 (10%)

Kyhle and I will never be able to say thank you enough to all of you for your prayers, support, and love.  We truly are blessed with the best friends and family, and are amazed every day for all you each do for us.  Every single amount helps, and gets us closer to our goal.  If you would like to help, but cannot make a donation, you can share this post, and spread the word about our fundraising efforts.  Together, with your help, we can make this dream come true.  Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

Thirty-one Raffle

1 ticket for $5, or 5 tickets for $20.  First place winner will receive $100 in Thirty-one products, and second and third place will each receive $50 toward products.  The rest of the proceeds (after the $200 for prizes) will go toward our fund.  If you'd like to buy tickets, just let me know and I'll put your name down! Then you can either mail me the money, or send it to our account on Popmoney.  I have sold 15 tickets so far, and have 85 more to sell before we do the drawing. 

Popmoney

If you'd like to make a donation, all you need is my email address (rlmporter@gmail.com)and phone number (317-446-3774)!  Go to popmoney.com and you can make the donation straight to our account.  

https://www.popmoney.com/

“Your Father in heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him.”  -Jeffrey R. Holland