This Is It

Sometimes I wish that we could go in to our next IVF with the guarantee that it will work.  I guess I wish we could go in to all pregnancies knowing they will work, and everything will turn out just as it should, with the results of a beautiful, healthy baby.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't always work out that way, and we are left wondering why.  For some, they are left wondering what they did wrong or what they could have done differently.  Others feel that it was just what happened, and that they need to just move on and let it go. Some may take a month to move forward, others 3 months, others 6 months, some a year, and some may never be able to let it go and accept what is. I wish I could cure miscarriages. 

There are so many fears I have going in to this next process.  I was nervous for our first round, and I thought that the unknown was what was making it so much harder to understand.  Now looking back, I wish I could have the unknown, and the excitement that comes with IVF.  Instead, I know exactly what to expect, and the risks involved, fully knowing that even though it may take, it may not last.  I am not saying this to be pessimistic, just realistic.  You have to prepare yourself.  Hope for the best, expect the worst.

Please don't get me wrong-- this is still exciting, and is a huge, wonderful gift that we are able to try again.  The thought of a pregnancy resulting from all of our prayers, fasting, donations, injections, ultrasounds, and blood work is the best feeling in the world.  It's all Kyhle and I have ever wanted.  However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified at what's to come.  I told Kyhle the other night that I wonder how I would react if we went through all of this effort and were unsuccessful.  My girlfriend told me the other night at dinner that she thinks it would be hard not to feel defeated.  Not only are we hoping for a pregnancy, but we are incredibly hopeful for more than one baby, and to also have embyros left to freeze.  This our chance to have our own children.  It truly is our last opportunity, unless some miracle happens and we are blessed on our own without the help of treatment. 

I also am starting to become aware that since this very well could be our one and only pregnancy, that I would have to soak up every single moment, and be grateful for the good and the bad.  I can promise you this--if I am able to have that one, sweet, cuddly, lovable baby, I will happily take every bit of morning sickness, bed rest, acne, food aversion, and mood swing.  I will do it for my baby, just as I know I have done everything I could to get them here, protect them, and most of all, love the heck out of them.

It Takes A Village

I told Kyhle the other day that not only has it been hard to cope after miscarrying, but to cope during the dreary, cold winter months...seemed impossible.  I have a new understanding for how everyone is different and handles their hardships and trials all in their own ways.  As I have struggled over the last 5 months, I have had many days (and weeks, and months...) where I have felt like the pain wasn't going to go away.  Was I being dramatic? I mean, I was only 6 weeks along. 

When we lost our baby, we lost a lifelong dream.  Something that we had been working so hard to have for over 4 years was gone in an instant.  The happiest week of our lives, quickly became the worst.  How does one pick up and keep moving forward?  There have been many times that I have thought, for a quick minute, "It's just not worth it."  Then I quickly say, "No, Heavenly Father, I didn't mean that! Please don't hold it against me for saying that!" Because it absolutely is worth it.  I know that we will have that happy feeling again, and we will get our dream baby. 

The waiting and feeling like we are in limbo for the last few months has been challenging.  I hate feeling like I am not doing anything toward getting pregnant.  I had to finish the Lupron before we could move forward, and I know that was fixing a big health issue that would hold me back from pregnancy.  However, the Lupron is done.  It's time to move on to the next step!  If only I didn't have to wait for a cycle to start.  Dr. Gentry put me on a drug called Provera last week.  It helps induce your cycle to get started after you haven't had one for a while.  Provera is a 10-day pill, and it can take 5-14 days after you stop the pill to have a cycle.  I can't start our next IVF until that happens. I also ordered all of my medications to have them ready to go.  It was a happy day when I received those in the mail!  The not-so-happy part?  I had to pay $970 for them...$500 more than our last round!  This was because Gentry increased my doses of the injections, and also added an extra medication. 

Dr. Gentry only does retrievals one week of the month, so if your cycle doesn't line up perfectly, then you have to wait til the next month to start everything.  We were really hoping for an April IVF, but it looks like we may be pushed back to May.  Another month waiting.  I have to keep reminding myself that it all will be okay, as long as we can have everything complete by my birthday.

In the meantime, we are still working toward our goal!  We are inching along and getting closer and closer to reaching our $5,000 goal.  Knowing that has all happened because of the help and support from friends and family has been so awesome.  How did we get so lucky, and have so many people rooting for us and Baby Porter?  We have had complete strangers donate to us--an Australian LDS woman found our blog and sent us a donation!  That's incredible!  I love knowing that our story is out there for other people to read and relate to, and I love when women reach out to me to let me know that this blog has helped them get through their infertility battle. 

We have been selling cookies like crazy, and are still taking orders! They are $7 for a dozen or $12 for 2 dozen.  I also have a sweet friend who has made some beautiful scarves for us to sell.  They are $15 each, and are super cute for the spring time. 

Thank you for reading, donating, sharing, and praying.  We love knowing that we are all working toward this dream together!  They say it takes a village.  :)

GoFundME

If you'd like to donate or share our page, simply click the link above!

Answers

Yesterday, our church released a video with an announcement that they are teaming up with adoption.com, the world's largest adoption website, to help LDS couples further their options in finding a birth mother and baby.  This was such huge, exciting news! Within 10 minutes, I had three friends share this video on my Facebook to make sure I had heard about it.  I have such good friends. :)


http://adoption.com/lds


All throughout yesterday afternoon and into the evening, I kept wondering if this was something that was going to impact our decision to do another round of IVF.  I kept asking myself so many questions.  Is IVF the best option? Which option has more risks? Which would cost more money? Where do we belong? What if we do the IVF and it doesn't work? Should we save the money for adoption and take advantage of the church partnership with adoption.com?

Kyhle I talked about this last night and we both said IVF was the way we wanted to go, and felt was the right choice. We have a timeline if we want to try this one more time.  There is no timeline for adoption.  We could adopt in 10 years.  We (most likely) can't get pregnant in 10 years. Now is the time. Yet, I still tossed and turned all night last night wondering if my decision was selfish.  There are so many amazing, beautiful, wanted babies who need forever homes.  Was I being selfish choosing IVF over adoption?


I woke up this morning with a strong feeling that I knew my answer.  Choosing IVF isn't selfish.  I truly believe it is the Lord's plan for us to become parents through this method.  We know I can get pregnant, and we know why I miscarried.  After taking the Lupron for 3 months, my adenomyosis (read more about it here) is completely cleared up.  It's gone!  I believe there is a reason for that, and a reason why my doctor asked us to stick with him and he would help us.  I also believe there is a reason why we have these 4 more months of coverage to try again. 


We are excited and ready to start this next process.  I am grateful for the power of prayer, and knowing that if we have questions and concerns, all we have to do is ask our Heavenly Father for guidance, and He will see us through. 


Also, we are still moving right along toward our goal! We are making cookies to sell for local friends!  $7 a dozen or $12 for two dozen! Thank you to those who have bought some! Yummy! :)


http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream





Eat More Chikin!

Kyhle and I are so happy to report that our Chik-Fil-A fundraiser what a great success!  What a great way to raise money!  Everyone gets a yummy meal, and we get one step closer to reaching our goal.  We received 20% of the profits (for the meals that our name was mentioned), and we totaled $195!  Do you realize that means about $1,000.00 was spent in meals that day?  WOW!  We really do have the best friends and family.  Thank you!!

We loved receiving pictures throughout the day of our friends enjoying their chicken.  It was a fun way to see who was out supporting the cause, and I love that we will always have these pictures to remember how we were able to achieve such a goal.  I have to say, Kyhle and I were so pleasantly surprised at the amount of support we received from our church family, the Greenwood 2nd Ward!  We had no idea so many of you would spread the word and join us that day.  We are so thankful for our ward and the love we felt that day, and continue to feel ever since. 

We had friends take flyers with them and pass them out at the restaurant, and a friend who passed them out in the drive through.  One of our favorites from the day was a friend who just delivered a baby at Community South and her hubby went and got her a shake so they could support us!  The photos are screenshots from my phone, but enjoy! 

Hasta La Vista, Lupron!

You can't see me, but I am doing a happy dance!  I just took what will (hopefully) be my last Lupron injection!  YAY!

I can't tell you how hard the last two months have been from this awful, yet wonderful medicine.  I say wonderful because it is fixing a health issue that is preventing me from carrying a baby, and I say awful because it has given me a crazy amount of side effects.  As I stood in my kitchen with the long, sharp needle just pointing at my thigh, Kyhle wrapped his arms around me and said, "Thank you for your sacrifice for our family."  I love him.  I was so nervous for this shot, and stood there still for a few minutes just nervously finding the courage to inject.  I said, "Okay, this is for you, baby," and stuck my thigh for the last time.  (Until I start IVF meds, of course ;))

The side effects will continue for 28 days, but I am just grateful we are finally moving forward with our process and on to our second round of IVF!  I have felt in such a slump the last three months, after finding out that we couldn't try again until after I took Lupron for three months to shrink/clear my Adenomyosis.  The last thing you want to tell a woman, who has waited patiently for 4 1/2 years for a baby, is that she has to wait 3 more months before she can even try!  

I will have a check up with Dr. Gentry on February 23, and we will discuss getting another MRI to check for the Adenomyosis, and make sure the Lupron did its job, but I'm not too worried about it, since I definitely felt it doing a number on me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  At that appointment, we will also discuss our plan to try a second round of IVF, and get moving with that process all over again.  I am hoping the next three weeks will move quickly, and we can continue taking steps in the right direction.

We have also made amazing progress raising money for the IVF!  Kyhle and I have felt so deeply loved every time we receive a gift from a family member or friend.  We will have such an inspiring story to share with our future children about all of the people in our lives who helped bring them to us.  If you would like to make a donation, simply click the link below and it will direct you to our page.  

Thank you!  

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Coping

Lately I have realized there are some things I should save to write about in my own personal journal.  Then I remembered how so many of you have complimented me on my positive attitude, how strong I seem to be during our treatments, and how you have admired the faith we have shown.  While I do try to stay positive and faithful, I feel like I'm not always being completely honest about my true feelings.  

I am having a hard time coping with the loss of our pregnancy.  It will be three months next week, and I can truly say it has been the hardest three months of the last 4 1/2 years.  I feel so sad all of the time, and can't stop thinking about what may have been.  When I was talking to my sister a couple weeks ago, I told her, "I would have been 15 weeks today..."  She replied, "You remember that?"  I said, "How can I forget?"  A friend of mine told me that she miscarried 15 years ago, and still remembers what would have been her baby's due date.  

June 30

Exactly one week before my birthday, and 9 days before our anniversary.  

I have never struggled being around babies, pregnant women, or baby items.  In fact,  I always wanted to be the one holding a baby, and loving them as if they were my own.  I hate the fact that it is hard for me to do now.  I hate the fact that seeing the baby section at Target makes my heart ache, and I hate the fact that I haven't gone to Buy Buy Baby since I miscarried.  Another thing I hate is when I find out a lady is pregnant, I say to myself, "I hope she doesn't miscarry."  

Being a member of the LDS church, we are taught from a young age of the importance of families, and our role as mothers.  It is planted in our heads at a very young age, and it is what we are taught to become.  We are taught to multiply and replenish the earth, and that it is the most important thing we will ever do.  

The other day I told Kyhle that I needed to find a way to not think about it all the time.  I feel like babies, treatments, and infertility have just taken over my life, and I don't know how to get it to stop.  Sometimes I like to just be alone.  I don't always want to be around a lot of people, and I especially don't want to be around a lot of babies.  To be honest, church is one of the hardest places for me to be.  I don't know how to have a conversation with someone and not bring it up.  I worry that I am becoming annoying to my friends and family, and that they wish I wouldn't talk about it so much. 

This is what is happening in my life. Right now, this is what is most important to me.  I want to spread awareness, and I want to help people understand what it means to not be able to just plan out when I want to be pregnant.  I have loved developing new relationships with fellow infertility sisters, and I love being able to help them.  Our reasons for not being able to have children may be completely different, but the pain is the same.

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Life on Lupron

Last night as I was watching The Bachelor, they were introducing the ladies that are going to be competing for Chris's heart this season.  I got so excited when they introduced Whitney, a fertility nurse from Chicago! I paused the TV, grabbed Kyhle, and excitedly told him about her.  I also immediately put her on my top 10 list. ;) I then started the show back up, quickly pausing it again as I realized I hadn't taken my Lupron shot yet.  If I hadn't of been so excited about a fertility nurse talking about how she helps make babies, I would have totally spaced it and missed my January dose! Thank goodness for The Bachelor. :)

I have been trying very hard to not complain about the side effects that come from Lupron, the injection that is treating my adenomyosis.  All I really care about is that it does what it is supposed to, the three months will quickly come to an end, and we can move forward with our journey.  The last month has definitely had it's challenges, mostly fighting strong migraines, hot flashes, exhaustion, and memory loss.  Sometimes I don't think I notice the memory loss as much unless I am at work.  I often find myself saying, "Now tell me how to do that again...", and there are post-its all over my desk throughout the day with reminders of tasks I need to get done during my day, and also things to do when I get home in the evening.  I will then put the post-its in my purse when I go home, and just hope that I can remember to get them out of my purse once I'm home.  ;)

My other big challenge has been the exhaustion--I want to be in my bed all the time! I love coming home from work, putting on my jams, and just climbing right in to bed.  No energy to clean, no energy to cook, no energy to leave my house, and no energy just to make it out to the couch.  All bed, all the time, sometimes falling asleep for 2-3 hours in the evening, just to go back to bed at 10 or 11 at night. 

Yes, the Lupron is giving me it's challenges, and yes it would be easier if I just didn't have to take it. But I remember (surprisingly) the quote, "Nothing worth having in life comes easy."  Isn't that the truth?  We are all faced with challenges everyday, some harder than others.  It's the way we tackle those challenges that can make us miserable, or remind us that it's just another hurdle to jump, ultimately getting us to the finish line. 

To all of our dear friends and family that have donated to our next cycle of IVF and/or shared our GoFundMe page, we have been so blessed and humbled by your love, support, and generosity.  Thank you!

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

You've Got Questions, We've Got Answers

One thing I have learned from battling infertility is that there are so many different decisions that have to be made and things change all of the time.  Some of the time, you have to make a decision quicker than you would like, or you are told that you can't move forward as you would have hoped, because something else needs to be treated before anymore action can be taken.  Curve balls, my friends.  There seems to be a curve ball around every corner, and you just need to learn how to hit that ball right out of the park. 

After much prayer and consideration, Kyhle and I have decided that we need to try in vitro fertilization (IVF) one more time.  This is not a decision that we have come to lightly.  We know it will take time, patience, and most of all, money.  We also know that this is what worked for us.  We were able to get pregnant on our first round, but unfortunately, since we didn't know about some other problems my body has, we lost that baby at 5 weeks. Now that we have found those underlying issues, and they are being treated, we know that this is the route we are supposed to take to become pregnant again.  

I know that many of you have questions, and some of you ask them, and some of you keep them to yourselves in fear of upsetting us or hurting our feelings.  I'd like to answer as many of those questions, as possible, to help our friends and family (and other readers) understand why we are choosing the IVF route over IUIs, adoption, or altogether stopping.  If you have questions, please feel free to ask. Kyhle and I have been incredibly open (possibly too open) with our process, and are happy to answer any questions you may have.  For now, I will answer the four biggest questions we get most often. If you have been one to ask or wonder, I do hope our answers help. 

Question 1: Why can't you just wait a few years?  You are still so young!

Answer 1: This is a valid question.  However, because of my limited quantity of eggs, I don't have a few years to wait.  Our doctor has given us the facts, and for us, it means that if we want to have biological children, it needs to happen now for it to happen at all.  I am at a high risk for early menopause, and once I run out of eggs, that's it.  Also, IVF is incredibly expensive--$15,000-$20,000.  I am blessed to still be under my parent's insurance just until I turn 26 in July.  That gives us 6 months from now.  With this insurance, IVF is half the price, costing around a total of $8,000.  This is why we need to act fast, and be as pro-active as possible. 

Question 2: Why don't you just adopt?

Answer 2:  First of all, you never just adopt.  Adopting isn't something you just go out and do.  Yes, adoption is very close to our hearts, and something we are very interested in pursing down the road.  However, since our church no longer has an adoption program, we now have to use a private agency, costing anywhere from $20,000-$30,000.  It is a long, grueling process, requiring much patience, faith, time, and energy.  You have to be completely ready to enter the adoption process, and we just aren't at that point yet.  Also, adopting is something that we don't have a time limit on.  We want to try everything we can to have biological children while we know it's still possible for us.  Once Kyhle graduates, we move and buy a home, if we still don't have children, we will start looking more seriously into adoption. 

Question 3: Why don't you just put it in God's hands? Don't you trust that if you're supposed to be parents, God will make you parents?

Answer 3: Us choosing to pursue fertility treatments has nothing to do with not trusting God.  In fact, it because of our faith in our Savior that we are able to continue on, and haven't given up.  We pray all of the time--we pray for strength, for healing, for patience, for guidance, and for peace.  We believe very strongly that Heavenly Father gave these doctors the skills and abilities to help treat couples battling infertility.  Why not use their skills and expertise?  One thing we love about Dr. Gentry is that he will be the first to say that he does his part, and the rest is up to God.  

Question 4: If you can't afford to pay for IVF, how do you think you can afford a baby at all?

Answer 4: I understand the concern behind this question.  Really, I do.  However, how often do you have to pay $10,000 out of pocket at one time for your new baby?  I don't know many couples who have that kind of money just laying around.  Saying a baby is expensive is an understatement.  If everyone had to pay $10,000 to even have a baby, no one ever would. We are faced with having to pay thousands of dollars just to get pregnant, on top of everything you pay once you have that child. 

Kyhle and I are doing what we can to make the IVF possible, but we know it's not something we can do alone.  After all of the medications and treatments we have done to get this far, we can't give up now.  We have the opportunity to try one more time while there's still time and coverage, and we have to take it.  I have one more month of my Lupron shot, and then it will be time to start the medications for the IVF cycle all over again.  

We are very humbly asking for your help in making our lifelong dream of becoming parents are reality.  We have set up a page at GoFundMe again.  They keep 5% of the profits, but it is the easiest way for our friends and family to donate with no hassle.  Any and every amount helps us get closer to our goal.  If you feel like donating isn't something you can do right now, but would like to help us, you can share our blog and our GoFundMe page with your friends, and help spread the word about our story.  Everything helps us, and everything you do means more to us that we could ever put in to words.  

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Thank you for helping us.  Thank you for being there for us, and for following us on our journey.  Thank you for loving us, and supporting us every step of the way.  Thank you for your prayers, your kind words, and your positive thoughts.  We are forever grateful.  

Not Giving Up

During the week of Thanksgiving, I wanted so badly to be thankful for everything we have been blessed with--a warm, beautiful home, secure jobs, loving family, loyal friends, cuddly dogs, more than enough food, and many many more wonderful blessings.  My whole family was able to be home together for Thanksgiving this year, with my parents hosting 22 people in their home for a week, 12 adults and 10 kids 10 and under.  I loved having them here, I loved spending time with my siblings, and I loved getting to know my nieces and nephews better.  However, I couldn't help but feel a gray cloud hanging over my head, full of sadness and heartache.  How could I be so down while having all the people I love the most surrounding me? I felt selfish for not putting my misery behind me and just being thankful for all I have. If you have been feeling sad, lonely, depressed, or just gloomy for any reason, please read this article.  My cousin shared a beautiful article with me that reminded me we can still be thankful, even in our times of sorrow. 

http://shereadstruth.com/2014/11/24/give-thanks-sorrow/

A couple of weeks ago, Kyhle and I had some genetic testing done, and I had an MRI on my uterus to see if we could find the cause of my miscarriage.  Oddly, we were hoping they would find something wrong so we would have an answer and hopefully a way to treat it.  Last week, we got the news that I have a blood clotting disorder, known as "antiphospholipid antibody".  This is when my body creates a blood clot surrounding the baby and doesn't allow the placenta to properly implant.  This is good news, as it is treatable!  They will have me start taking 2 daily shots of Heparin, along with one baby aspirin (a blood thinner) everyday.  If I am able to become pregnant again, I will continue the injections throughout my pregnancy. 

Yesterday, Kyhle and I had a follow up with Dr. Gentry to discuss our next plan of attack, and also get my MRI results back.  We were pretty confident the MRI would come back with no issues, but I couldn't help but feel a bit nervous.  As Dr. Gentry read my results, he told us that I have a condition called "adenomyosis."  This is a condition similar to endometriosis, which I also have.  Adenomyosis happens when you have endometrial tissue growing inside of your uterus, instead of lining it on the outside.  There is an area of tissue about one inch thick inside my uterus.  Women with adenomyosis typically also have endometriosis, but my doctor was shocked to see I have it, as it usually comes after your childbearing years, around the time of menopause.  

Because of my diagnosis, we have to create a whole new plan of attack, as we have to clear the adenomyosis before we can move forward with any possibility of pregnancy.  I will start taking an injection called Lupron, once a month for three months.  The Lupron will put me through a medically induced menopause, as menopause is the only way to clear the condition, aside from having surgery to have it removed.  Dr. Gentry doesn't want to do surgery because he is concerned it would cause more scar tissue, and not allow enough room for a baby to implant.  He told us that unfortunately, it will cause me to go through all of the typical menopause symptoms for the next three months--hot flashes, migraines, weight gain, bleeding, mood swings, and joint and muscle aches and pains.  We are feeling pretty nervous, and quite honestly, a bit terrified.  Just four weeks ago, we were happily pregnant, basking in every single moment of pure joy.  Now we have to put the possibility of any future pregnancy off for three months to go through "menopause" instead.  Doesn't seem too fair, does it? 

Yesterday was a pretty hard, emotional, and all around frustrating day.  Kyhle and I really felt like we were just hit really hard, one thing after another.  Dr. Gentry told us that if there is a challenge a woman can face while trying to become pregnant, I've got it.  He said I am a triple threat with the low AMH levels (not enough eggs), my blood clotting disorder, and my adenomyosis.  He also let us know he hasn't seen a patient this young with all of these issues together.  

Kyhle and I couldn't help but wonder if it truly is all worth it? I will be pumping my body full of medications and hormones for the next 6 months-1 year in hopes of getting pregnant again.  I lose my insurance that gives me some infertility coverage when I turn 26 in July, so we are under a pretty big time constraint.  As I was talking with my friend today, I told her I was ready to just give up and let it all go.  I told her I didn't think it was all worth it--the emotional and physical toll infertility takes on us.  She mentioned that what they found, is all treatable.  They didn't tell me I can't have children.  She said to me told me we just have to pray to Heavenly Father and say, "We've found out some new complications.  They are treatable so we are going to try to fix them.  We're doing all we can to have children biologically.  We're going to try the new treatments and meds til my next birthday, as long as we can pay for it.  After that, we'll pursue adoption.  Help us to trust in the outcome either way."

Kyhle and I can let this get us down.  We can give up, and just say no more.  But we feel strongly that is not what we are supposed to do.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  Always.  I know the Lord would not have given me such a strong, righteous desire if it wasn't meant to be.  We are not quitters.  We know we are meant to be parents, and we know it will happen.  We will continue to have sad days, and some days are harder than others.  Recently, I feel there have been many more sad days than happy, and that's okay.  

                                                                 

One Week

It all started on Tuesday, October 21.  I left work at 12:30, waiting for the phone call with our test results.  I woke up that morning with a bad feeling, and I just felt like it was going to be a negative. Why not?  I've never had a positive, so why would this be any different, right?  I couldn't focus at work all morning, and I started trembling around 12:00.  I drove home, curled up on the couch, and stared at my phone.  I kept staring, staring, and staring.  I was watching Dancing With The Stars to try and distract myself, but it just wasn't working.  Then 2:45...the phone rang.  I looked down and saw the doctor's number and I immediately started crying.  I was terrified to answer.  

Me: Hello?

Maria: Hey, Rebecca!  How are you?

Me: I'm alright...how are you?"

Maria: It was positive, mommy!!

Cue the tears.  Man, I don't remember the last time I cried like that.  I was in complete shock.  I could barely talk to her, as I couldn't slow myself down from crying.  I just kept saying, "Are you serious? Are you sure?" She then proceeded to tell me that my levels were great and there was no denying the positive result.  She told me I would come back in two days for the 48 hour check up and make sure my numbers increase/double.  I told her thank you over and over again, hung up the phone, and sat on my couch in heavy tears for a good 15 minutes before I even called Kyhle.  The dogs were so confused why I was crying, so they were licking me, nudging me with their heads, and getting right in my face trying to make sure I was okay.  I swear they knew what was happening.  I then calmed myself down enough to call Kyhle. 

Kyhle: Hey...

Me: Hi, daddy!

Kyhle (in tears): Oh my gosh, are you serious?

Me (in tears): Yep!! It was positive!

Kyhle: Okay, I have to call you back!

I then texted my good friend who just gave birth to her beautiful twins via IVF, and called my best friend to let her know our news.  I was on cloud nine--I couldn't sit still.  Was this real? I waited and waited to tell my parents because I wanted to tell them in person with Kyhle and waited for him to get home at 6:30.  As soon as he walked in the door, we headed over to my parent's house.  My poor parents waited the entire day to find out our news.  As we walked in their front door, they were sitting at the table eating dinner.  They looked up at us with nervous faces, we smiled, I shrugged my shoulders, and said, "Well...I'm pregnant!"  I then started crying again and my parents jumped up and gave us huge, loving hugs.  It was the best feeling.  We sat with them and they told us they couldn't focus all day because they were just so anxious to find out.  Dad said he did yard work for 2 hours after work to help distract him.  Kyhle called his mom and step dad and shared our news with them, and there were happy tears all around. 

We then sent out a group text to my siblings, Aunt, Uncle and cousins.  It sure was fun to read their excited, happy responses.  My sister, Laura, called me in complete shock because she thought I wasn't finding out for another week! She was talking about how she was so excited to plan a baby shower for me, and how fun it would be to finally be able to shop for my own baby.  

"We don't know if it's a Yankees fan, or a Cardinals fan, but it is definitely a baby!" 

We left my parents and went to Olive Garden to celebrate.  We announced on Facebook our happy news, and we were shocked and happily surprised at the loving response from all of our friends and family.  We were truly amazed at the amount of support we had and how many people were following our story.  We love you! 

I just couldn't believe it.  We were pregnant.  We were having a baby.  After over four years of trying, 4 failed IUIs, 6 months of Clomid, many sleepless nights, surgery for endometriosis, 1 round of IVF with our one good embryo, it was time.  Our baby was in my tummy.  Kyhle spent the next few days rubbing my belly, kissing it, and we were talking about names, nursery ideas, and doing research on things I should and shouldn't eat.  It was baby time. 

I had more bloowork on Thursday, and they were looking for my levels to double.  They went from 32 to 51, so it was good they at least increased.  They told me that they would test me again on Monday and to stay cautious...

Monday morning I went in for my lab work.  I waited all day for another phone call, just like waiting for our answer the previous Tuesday.  Around 2:30 in the afternoon, the nurse called.  When I answered, I heard it in her voice. 

Whitney: Hey Rebecca...how are you?

Me: I'm okay...

Whitney:  Well, unfortunately your level dropped back down to 30.  

Me: Oh, okay...

Whitney:  I'm so sorry, but Dr. Gentry doesn't think this is a viable pregnancy.  

Me: Okay. 

Whitney:  We'll have you come back Wednesday and see if it drops again. 

Me: Okay. 

I left work immediately, and knew that my mom was home from work sick that day, so I went straight to their house.  It was a surprise to my mom when I walked in their door and yelled her name.  She came to the stairs, I told her the news, and we sat and talked.  My dad happened to come home from work early that day, so when he walked in and saw I was there, he knew something was wrong. I hated having to tell them.  I hated that it wasn't the news we were wanting to hear.  I hated that just like that, it was over.  

I then called the nurse back and asked a few more questions.  She told me they've seen crazy things happen, and there was a small chance my numbers could go back up, as that just happened to a patient a couple of weeks ago.  So we had a little more hope to hold on to.  We had to pray and have faith, and put it in Heavenly Father's hands.  I couldn't accept that it would be over.  I had to believe that it would still be okay.  

I got the call at 12 today--my level dropped again down to 11.  They told me to stop my progesterone support, and let the miscarriage happen naturally. That was it.  Our joyous, happy week came to an abrupt end.  We no longer had a reason to celebrate, just more heartache.  They said that they'll have me come in next Tuesday to meet with the doctor and we will discuss our next step and whether or not we should try IVF again...starting over from the beginning since we have no frozen embryos.  We will also discuss doing genetic testing to find out if my body can carry a pregnancy or find if there are any other hidden issues.  

We are heartbroken.  Kyhle and I went from our highest high to our lowest low.  It's amazing how quickly something can be taken away from you.  We have to believe there is a reason for all of this struggle, and we have to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.  But I can't help but feel a little angry and confused.  Why would I become pregnant and just carry my precious baby for one week?  Why would I be given such a strong, righteous desire to be a mommy ever since a I was a little girl, and then be given this specific trial?  I know there is a reason.  I just have to trust Heavenly Father that He will provide is his time. 

We will always cherish that one week of happiness.  That one week of pure joy and love for our sweet baby.  We will always carry that baby in our hearts and will never go a day without thinking about them, wondering if it was a son or a daughter, wondering if they would have been tan like daddy or pale like mommy. ;) Wondering what it would have been like to experience pregnancy, labor and delivery. We will always love our little June baby, and pray that someday, we will understand why we weren't able to raise them here on earth. 

We'll love you forever, little baby.   

It Takes Two, Baby

Transfer day has finally come and gone.  When we scheduled our IVF a couple of months ago, I felt like it seemed so far away and didn't want to wait any longer.  Then before we knew it, it was here.  The 11 days of injections flew by, the retrieval was done, we waited our 5 days for the eggs to grow to embryos, and now it was time.  

Kyhle and I were quite nervous for today, wondering how many of our embryos would be left to transfer and if we would be able to freeze any.  You see, on Friday, we got a call saying that out of our seven eggs, four of them fertilized.  They rate the embryos on a grading scale of 1-5, with 1 being the best quality.  One of our embryos was graded #1!  This was such great news to us!  The other three embryos were all grade 3--not horrible, but not great, either.  You can still transfer a grade 3, but odds are they won't stick.  We still had two days until transfer, so we were hopeful those three would progress a little further.  Unfortunately, you cannot freeze grade 3 embryos, so we were fearful this really would be our one chance. 

Kyhle took me on a fun little date last night to help distract me and boost my spirits.  We went to dinner at Smokey Bones, and then went to the mall to walk around and bought some candles and lotion at Bath and Body Works.  We then got some shakes at Steak and Shake, and came home and ended the night watching the Redbirds.  It was a pretty fun night, other than seeing the Cardinals lose to the Giants.  (We are watching game 2 now.)

When we arrived at the facility this morning, Dr. Gentry did not arrive until 9:15, so we just sat in our recovery room and took a little snooze for an hour.  When he walked in, he shared the news with us that the results were still the same as Friday--one grade #1, and three grade #3.  He told us the grade #1 was a perfect blastocyst and just what he wanted to see for transferring.  He let us know that we could decide if we wanted to go ahead and transfer one of the grade #3's just to take a chance and see if it would stick, and let us know that it would not take any chance away from our good embryo.  

So two it was.  I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to transfer all four just to give us the best chance possible of at least 1-2 sticking, especially since we couldn't freeze the rest.  It is very sad to me that those little embryos are just going to be thrown away.  After all our efforts to get them to grow and develop, I felt like that was a dagger to my heart.  

The transfer was quick and easy--just around 15 minutes long.  I had to lay flat in recovery for one hour, which was shear torture, as I had an incredibly full bladder.  They require you to drink 16-24 ounces of water so you can have a full bladder for the ultrasound, and I was so worried my bladder would explode on the table! The coolest part of the transfer was seeing the embryos on the ultrasound screen!  We watched them get placed right in to my uterus, and then we received a copy of the photo.  Kyhle was pretty giddy getting that little photo. I kissed it for good luck, and Kyhle has rubbed my belly a few times, saying, "Stick babies, stick!" :)  

We have just been resting at home the rest of today, and I am supposed to take it easy for two weeks--no lifting over 20 lbs, no exercise, no heavy housework.  I will be happy to go to work and come home to be lazy the rest of the night.  I was debating if I should go to work tomorrow or not, but I think I will be alright since I have a low-key job.  I am trying to save my PTO in case of  future baby appointments. :)

I know everyone is wondering, so we will be able to test in about two weeks.  In the fertility world, it is called the "two week wait".  It will be so hard to wait and wait, but I know that it will end up going by fast, just like the rest of the process.  We have waited four years, so I guess we can wait two more weeks. 

To be continued...

Lucky #7

As I lay here in my happy place on the corner of the couch, curled up with one dog at my feet, another on the floor in front of me, and my husband beside me, I am remind just how blessed I am to live such a healthy, happy life.  We live in a beautiful home, have loving families, loyal friends, and great jobs.  We have created so many wonderful memories in our four years of marriage so far, and I always look forward to adding more to the list.  I have always dreamt of being a mother.  As far back as I can remember, it was the one thing I have always wanted more than anything.  I remember making lists with my sisters of our favorite baby names when we were just kids; it is still one of my favorite things to do. 

With an incredible amount of help from our friends and families, Kyhle and I have been blessed with the opportunity to try in vitro fertilization, also known as IVF.  We knew it would be a long, hard process, filled with many ups and downs.  A month ago, I ordered all of my medications and received them in the mail a few days later.  We went to our IVF conference and met with the nurse about how to mix and administer all of the injections, and they gave me a calendar marked with the days and times I needed to take certain medications.  It was becoming more and more real.  Two weeks ago, I started taking the injections, Gonal-F and Menopur.  They are follicle stimulating hormones, and they create the follicles that "house" the eggs.  The doctor wants your follicles between 18-25 mm for retrieval.  The bigger the follicle, the better chance there is an egg inside.  Along the the injections, I also took Dexamethasone, which is a hormone suppressor, and Doxycycline, which is a strong antibiotic to help prevent me from getting sick.  I have also been taking Metformin for my insulin, and pre-natal vitamins, Magnesium, and Vitamin D.  

Over the last couple of weeks, I was monitored every couple of days with blood work and ultrasounds so they could watch the growth of my follicles.  We were feeling pretty discouraged, as my follicles weren't growing at the rate they had hoped, and I wasn't developing as many as they'd like to see.  On average, an IVF patient has 10 eggs for retrieval, but because of my low AMH levels, (I was born with fewer eggs than the average woman), my doctor was expecting we would get half of that.  My ultrasounds were showing that I only had 2 good size follicles, and 2 medium sized.  I was feeling concerned and down-in-the-dumps with my numbers, and really praying we would be able to somehow get some more follicles. Dr. Gentry decided to have me take my injections one more night to see if we could give them a boost and set my retrieval for Tuesday instead of Monday.  

My alarm went off at 1:45 Monday morning, and it was time for my HCG trigger shot.  This shot is given 36 hours before retrieval, and it triggers ovulation.  I climbed out of bed and went to the kitchen to get everything together.  This was the shot I was pretty terrified to give myself.  The needle is quite large and had to go in to my thigh.  I stood in the kitchen with the needle pointing at my leg for 20 minutes, and then finally went to wake Kyhle up to see if he would give it to me instead.  Of course he said no, so back to the kitchen I went.  I waited 10 more minutes and finally just did it!  It didn't hurt as bad as I was expecting and I was relieved it was over.  Unfortunately, I got so worked up over all of it that I couldn't fall back to sleep until 3:30, and I had to be up for work at 6.  :(

Then came Tuesday--today.  Kyhle and I left for the hospital around 12 PM and got all signed in for retrieval.  I was feeling extra nervous, which caused an uncomfortable amount of nausea and anxiety.  They took us upstairs and got me all hooked up to the IV and monitors.  This was more intense than I was thinking!  As my nurse walked us back in to the surgery room, my whole body was trembling.  I had in my head that this wouldn't be painful because I had pain meds through my IV.  Boy, was I wrong!  As soon as Dr. Gentry started his work, I was in tears.  There would be sudden, sharp amounts of pain and pressure that I had never felt before.  I am so grateful I had Kyhle by my side the whole time--he rubbed my head, held my hand, and wiped all of my tears.  I was crying from the pain, and then every time the nurse said "first egg!", "second egg!", "third egg!", I started sobbing more and more.  The best part? Seven eggs.  Seven!  I only had four follicles, but I had fluid in my ovaries and there were a few eggs hiding in there!  Dr. Gentry was so excited and just kept saying how pleased and surprised he was.  We never thought we would get seven eggs. 

Now we wait.  I will get a call tomorrow morning from the lab and they will let me know how many of our eggs fertilized and how many didn't survive.  Dr. Gentry says on average, 25% will not fertilize.  So far, we are scheduled for a day 5 transfer, which means they will put the embryos back to their "natural habitat" on Sunday.  I have tomorrow off work to stay home and rest all day, and hopefully will feel good enough to return Thursday.  They sent me home with pain and nausea medication, so I am hoping that will be all I need.  I am trying to save my PTO in case I get some pregnancy sickness. ;) We are so excited to see what happens next, and after finding our seven eggs, can't help but feel so hopeful and full of faith.  We know that this is a huge blessing from Heavenly Father, and know that He hears and answers prayers.  So for now, we keep praying, and keep believing in miracles.  

And So It Begins

To say the last week (or two) has been stressful is a major understatement.  We have really experienced one challenge after another, and Kyhle told me today if I am already this crazy before the hormone injections start, we are in for a long month (or nine!). ;) Many friends and family members have been asking me when everything starts and what all has to happen, so I thought I would go ahead and give you all a little run down of what will happen over the next month. 

 

First off, we had a successful garage sale yesterday at my parent's house!  My mom and dad put so much effort in to helping make it possible, and it really meant so much to us.  They worked hard with us to set up tables, go through their attic and house to find items to sell, and mom stayed up until midnight Friday night helping me finalize the details.  Kyhle made cookies for my nephew, Eli to sell with his lemonade stand.  I was so impressed with Eli's sweet manners.  He was so brave and would walk up to each customer and say in the sweetest voice, "Would you like some cookies and lemonade?" I won't lie--anytime someone said no to him it made me pretty upset!  How could you turn down a polite, loving boy?  We had a very chilly start to our day and enjoyed some hot chocolate in the morning and bowls of chili for lunch.  The sun finally came out around 1:00, and we ended up raising $150! 

 

Tomorrow morning is my baseline ultrasound.  This is to check the ovaries for any cysts or other issues.  I have been on birth control for a month to help regulate my cycle and get my body to a blank slate.  It is also to ensure they have "full control" over my cycle.  We are fully expecting my ultrasound to be free of any cysts, which means we will move forward with the process!  However, I can't help but feel a tad scared thinking of the possibility of them finding a cyst and having to put the whole process off another month.  I have been feeling so anxious this whole last week, and especially today.  It is truly on my mind at least 3/4 of my day. 

 

Kyhle and I will go to an IVF conference on September 23.  There, we will be taught how to mix and administer the shots, as I will be taking 4 injections a day.  Kyhle is pretty nervous for this, and I'd be lying if I said I weren't nervous myself!  Giving myself 1 shot a day for the IUIs was no problem.  Trusting Kyhle to give me 4 a day when he has never held a needle is a little scary! 

 

I will then start 12 days of injections on Wednesday,  September 24.  I will have blood tests and ultrasounds every 2-3 days to check the growth of my follicles and make sure all my levels are strong.  I will be taking Gonal-F and Menopur injections, progesterone oil injections, Doxycycline, Dexamethasone, Prednisone, Metformin, and an HCG Trigger shot to stimulate ovulation.  As of now, our retrieval is scheduled for Monday, October 6, and then transfer will be 3-5 days later. 

I cannot believe that we are already at this point.  It still doesn't feel real that we are able to give this a try.  We are incredibly hopeful and doing what we can to stay positive.  However, I can't help but be fearful of all that could go wrong.  My biggest fear is that they will find that my eggs are no good and we won't ever be able to have our own biological children.  We have always been very open and interested in adoption, but since our church no longer offers an adoption program, we worry that may not be possible for us for many years, as it is just so financially out of our reach right now.  While I am scared to find out if my eggs are or aren't good, I am grateful I will have that answer and be able to move on and forward with our family building journey. 

 

I have never felt my faith so tested before, and I know that this, too, shall pass.  This may be the hardest trial I have been given so far in my life, but I know it won't be the last.  I also know that Heavenly Father gave us this trial for a very specific reason, and though I can't always understand it, I always seem to find tender mercies such as: new and supportive friendships with women struggling with infertility, a strength I never knew I had inside of me, learning the art of having patience, and most importantly, a stronger and more loving marriage and partnership with Kyhle. 

 

Stay tuned...

 

A Beautiful Heartbreak

What an emotional week it has been. Every day brought something new, something surprising, something overwhelming.  I don't think I have ever felt so many ups and downs in one week!  I will say the ups...definitely outweigh the downs.  

Kyhle and I went to Terre Haute on Sunday to spend the day with his family.  As Kyhle was hanging out with his stepdad in the garage, my mother-in-law and I had time for a nice conversation.  She asked me all about our garage sale the weekend before, and about what all we still have to do for our fundraiser to be able to reach our goal.  We shared personal stories, and she gave me such great advice, and in that moment, I felt so grateful for my relationship with her, and was reminded why I am so blessed to have in-laws who want to help, and care about our journey.  Of course, too, she is ready to be a Grandma. :)

Monday started with a call to my doctor, asking about some symptoms I've been feeling for a few months that led me to believe I could have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome).  Things haven't been "normal" for a few months, and I was starting to get concerned.  After the nurse consulted with my doctor, she called back and said, "I spoke with Dr. Gentry, and he does think you have the signs of a 'PCOSer'.  If you want, we will order some blood work to check your testosterone and insulin, and go from there.  Call us back if that's what you would like to do."  Well of course I start thinking of all these things that should have been done differently in my testing and doctor visits.  However, I realized that I needed to just keep moving forward and not think about what could have been had we known about this sooner.  

Tuesday came along, and I still hadn't been able to reach the doctor's office to let them know we wanted to do the blood work, and I was starting to get very impatient.  I waited all day Tuesday for a phone call, and finally, at 3 PM, she called and told me she faxed the order to the lab, but I had to fast for 8 hours before I get it done.  So we wait 'til Wednesday.  I told my boss I would be late Wednesday so I could stop and get this blood work done first thing in the morning.  

Hello, Wednesday!  I arrived at the lab at 7 AM, got the blood work over with, and asked the phlebotomist how long until I received results. One week! Okay, so we wait.  Wednesday evening, a friend of mine posted a beautiful video by Hilary Weeks, with her new song, Beautiful Heartbreak.  As I watched and listened, I was overcome by such a strong spirit.  I watched the video 4 times over and over again.  As I was listening to her lyrics, tears streamed down my face, and I knew--our journey has been a "beautiful heartbreak."   I went to comment on the post and let my friend know how much I needed to hear that song in that moment.  As I went to comment, I saw my mom had commented right before me.  (My mom does't comment often on Facebook.)  I thought that was a funny coincidence that she watched that video just before I did.  

Fifteen minutes later, around 10 PM, my phone rang.  I was quite surprised to see how late it was getting a call, but when I saw it was my mom, I thought I better answer, and boy, am I glad I did!  What an amazing, incredible, humbling surprise! I took Kyhle's hand and just cried.  

"Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through, was the price that I paid to see this view.  And now that I'm here, I would never trade the grace that I feel, and the faith that I find, through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.  I used to pray he'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

With the help of our family and friends, and most of all, our parents, Kyhle and I have reached our goal, and, will be starting our IVF process in September!  We can't even begin to describe our feelings of gratitude and thanks.  Because of the love, support, and prayers from special people in our lives, we are one step closer to growing our family.  

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.  

Love, Kyhle and Rebecca