This Is It

Sometimes I wish that we could go in to our next IVF with the guarantee that it will work.  I guess I wish we could go in to all pregnancies knowing they will work, and everything will turn out just as it should, with the results of a beautiful, healthy baby.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't always work out that way, and we are left wondering why.  For some, they are left wondering what they did wrong or what they could have done differently.  Others feel that it was just what happened, and that they need to just move on and let it go. Some may take a month to move forward, others 3 months, others 6 months, some a year, and some may never be able to let it go and accept what is. I wish I could cure miscarriages. 

There are so many fears I have going in to this next process.  I was nervous for our first round, and I thought that the unknown was what was making it so much harder to understand.  Now looking back, I wish I could have the unknown, and the excitement that comes with IVF.  Instead, I know exactly what to expect, and the risks involved, fully knowing that even though it may take, it may not last.  I am not saying this to be pessimistic, just realistic.  You have to prepare yourself.  Hope for the best, expect the worst.

Please don't get me wrong-- this is still exciting, and is a huge, wonderful gift that we are able to try again.  The thought of a pregnancy resulting from all of our prayers, fasting, donations, injections, ultrasounds, and blood work is the best feeling in the world.  It's all Kyhle and I have ever wanted.  However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified at what's to come.  I told Kyhle the other night that I wonder how I would react if we went through all of this effort and were unsuccessful.  My girlfriend told me the other night at dinner that she thinks it would be hard not to feel defeated.  Not only are we hoping for a pregnancy, but we are incredibly hopeful for more than one baby, and to also have embyros left to freeze.  This our chance to have our own children.  It truly is our last opportunity, unless some miracle happens and we are blessed on our own without the help of treatment. 

I also am starting to become aware that since this very well could be our one and only pregnancy, that I would have to soak up every single moment, and be grateful for the good and the bad.  I can promise you this--if I am able to have that one, sweet, cuddly, lovable baby, I will happily take every bit of morning sickness, bed rest, acne, food aversion, and mood swing.  I will do it for my baby, just as I know I have done everything I could to get them here, protect them, and most of all, love the heck out of them.

It Takes A Village

I told Kyhle the other day that not only has it been hard to cope after miscarrying, but to cope during the dreary, cold winter months...seemed impossible.  I have a new understanding for how everyone is different and handles their hardships and trials all in their own ways.  As I have struggled over the last 5 months, I have had many days (and weeks, and months...) where I have felt like the pain wasn't going to go away.  Was I being dramatic? I mean, I was only 6 weeks along. 

When we lost our baby, we lost a lifelong dream.  Something that we had been working so hard to have for over 4 years was gone in an instant.  The happiest week of our lives, quickly became the worst.  How does one pick up and keep moving forward?  There have been many times that I have thought, for a quick minute, "It's just not worth it."  Then I quickly say, "No, Heavenly Father, I didn't mean that! Please don't hold it against me for saying that!" Because it absolutely is worth it.  I know that we will have that happy feeling again, and we will get our dream baby. 

The waiting and feeling like we are in limbo for the last few months has been challenging.  I hate feeling like I am not doing anything toward getting pregnant.  I had to finish the Lupron before we could move forward, and I know that was fixing a big health issue that would hold me back from pregnancy.  However, the Lupron is done.  It's time to move on to the next step!  If only I didn't have to wait for a cycle to start.  Dr. Gentry put me on a drug called Provera last week.  It helps induce your cycle to get started after you haven't had one for a while.  Provera is a 10-day pill, and it can take 5-14 days after you stop the pill to have a cycle.  I can't start our next IVF until that happens. I also ordered all of my medications to have them ready to go.  It was a happy day when I received those in the mail!  The not-so-happy part?  I had to pay $970 for them...$500 more than our last round!  This was because Gentry increased my doses of the injections, and also added an extra medication. 

Dr. Gentry only does retrievals one week of the month, so if your cycle doesn't line up perfectly, then you have to wait til the next month to start everything.  We were really hoping for an April IVF, but it looks like we may be pushed back to May.  Another month waiting.  I have to keep reminding myself that it all will be okay, as long as we can have everything complete by my birthday.

In the meantime, we are still working toward our goal!  We are inching along and getting closer and closer to reaching our $5,000 goal.  Knowing that has all happened because of the help and support from friends and family has been so awesome.  How did we get so lucky, and have so many people rooting for us and Baby Porter?  We have had complete strangers donate to us--an Australian LDS woman found our blog and sent us a donation!  That's incredible!  I love knowing that our story is out there for other people to read and relate to, and I love when women reach out to me to let me know that this blog has helped them get through their infertility battle. 

We have been selling cookies like crazy, and are still taking orders! They are $7 for a dozen or $12 for 2 dozen.  I also have a sweet friend who has made some beautiful scarves for us to sell.  They are $15 each, and are super cute for the spring time. 

Thank you for reading, donating, sharing, and praying.  We love knowing that we are all working toward this dream together!  They say it takes a village.  :)

GoFundME

If you'd like to donate or share our page, simply click the link above!

Answers

Yesterday, our church released a video with an announcement that they are teaming up with adoption.com, the world's largest adoption website, to help LDS couples further their options in finding a birth mother and baby.  This was such huge, exciting news! Within 10 minutes, I had three friends share this video on my Facebook to make sure I had heard about it.  I have such good friends. :)


http://adoption.com/lds


All throughout yesterday afternoon and into the evening, I kept wondering if this was something that was going to impact our decision to do another round of IVF.  I kept asking myself so many questions.  Is IVF the best option? Which option has more risks? Which would cost more money? Where do we belong? What if we do the IVF and it doesn't work? Should we save the money for adoption and take advantage of the church partnership with adoption.com?

Kyhle I talked about this last night and we both said IVF was the way we wanted to go, and felt was the right choice. We have a timeline if we want to try this one more time.  There is no timeline for adoption.  We could adopt in 10 years.  We (most likely) can't get pregnant in 10 years. Now is the time. Yet, I still tossed and turned all night last night wondering if my decision was selfish.  There are so many amazing, beautiful, wanted babies who need forever homes.  Was I being selfish choosing IVF over adoption?


I woke up this morning with a strong feeling that I knew my answer.  Choosing IVF isn't selfish.  I truly believe it is the Lord's plan for us to become parents through this method.  We know I can get pregnant, and we know why I miscarried.  After taking the Lupron for 3 months, my adenomyosis (read more about it here) is completely cleared up.  It's gone!  I believe there is a reason for that, and a reason why my doctor asked us to stick with him and he would help us.  I also believe there is a reason why we have these 4 more months of coverage to try again. 


We are excited and ready to start this next process.  I am grateful for the power of prayer, and knowing that if we have questions and concerns, all we have to do is ask our Heavenly Father for guidance, and He will see us through. 


Also, we are still moving right along toward our goal! We are making cookies to sell for local friends!  $7 a dozen or $12 for two dozen! Thank you to those who have bought some! Yummy! :)


http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream





Eat More Chikin!

Kyhle and I are so happy to report that our Chik-Fil-A fundraiser what a great success!  What a great way to raise money!  Everyone gets a yummy meal, and we get one step closer to reaching our goal.  We received 20% of the profits (for the meals that our name was mentioned), and we totaled $195!  Do you realize that means about $1,000.00 was spent in meals that day?  WOW!  We really do have the best friends and family.  Thank you!!

We loved receiving pictures throughout the day of our friends enjoying their chicken.  It was a fun way to see who was out supporting the cause, and I love that we will always have these pictures to remember how we were able to achieve such a goal.  I have to say, Kyhle and I were so pleasantly surprised at the amount of support we received from our church family, the Greenwood 2nd Ward!  We had no idea so many of you would spread the word and join us that day.  We are so thankful for our ward and the love we felt that day, and continue to feel ever since. 

We had friends take flyers with them and pass them out at the restaurant, and a friend who passed them out in the drive through.  One of our favorites from the day was a friend who just delivered a baby at Community South and her hubby went and got her a shake so they could support us!  The photos are screenshots from my phone, but enjoy! 

Hasta La Vista, Lupron!

You can't see me, but I am doing a happy dance!  I just took what will (hopefully) be my last Lupron injection!  YAY!

I can't tell you how hard the last two months have been from this awful, yet wonderful medicine.  I say wonderful because it is fixing a health issue that is preventing me from carrying a baby, and I say awful because it has given me a crazy amount of side effects.  As I stood in my kitchen with the long, sharp needle just pointing at my thigh, Kyhle wrapped his arms around me and said, "Thank you for your sacrifice for our family."  I love him.  I was so nervous for this shot, and stood there still for a few minutes just nervously finding the courage to inject.  I said, "Okay, this is for you, baby," and stuck my thigh for the last time.  (Until I start IVF meds, of course ;))

The side effects will continue for 28 days, but I am just grateful we are finally moving forward with our process and on to our second round of IVF!  I have felt in such a slump the last three months, after finding out that we couldn't try again until after I took Lupron for three months to shrink/clear my Adenomyosis.  The last thing you want to tell a woman, who has waited patiently for 4 1/2 years for a baby, is that she has to wait 3 more months before she can even try!  

I will have a check up with Dr. Gentry on February 23, and we will discuss getting another MRI to check for the Adenomyosis, and make sure the Lupron did its job, but I'm not too worried about it, since I definitely felt it doing a number on me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  At that appointment, we will also discuss our plan to try a second round of IVF, and get moving with that process all over again.  I am hoping the next three weeks will move quickly, and we can continue taking steps in the right direction.

We have also made amazing progress raising money for the IVF!  Kyhle and I have felt so deeply loved every time we receive a gift from a family member or friend.  We will have such an inspiring story to share with our future children about all of the people in our lives who helped bring them to us.  If you would like to make a donation, simply click the link below and it will direct you to our page.  

Thank you!  

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Coping

Lately I have realized there are some things I should save to write about in my own personal journal.  Then I remembered how so many of you have complimented me on my positive attitude, how strong I seem to be during our treatments, and how you have admired the faith we have shown.  While I do try to stay positive and faithful, I feel like I'm not always being completely honest about my true feelings.  

I am having a hard time coping with the loss of our pregnancy.  It will be three months next week, and I can truly say it has been the hardest three months of the last 4 1/2 years.  I feel so sad all of the time, and can't stop thinking about what may have been.  When I was talking to my sister a couple weeks ago, I told her, "I would have been 15 weeks today..."  She replied, "You remember that?"  I said, "How can I forget?"  A friend of mine told me that she miscarried 15 years ago, and still remembers what would have been her baby's due date.  

June 30

Exactly one week before my birthday, and 9 days before our anniversary.  

I have never struggled being around babies, pregnant women, or baby items.  In fact,  I always wanted to be the one holding a baby, and loving them as if they were my own.  I hate the fact that it is hard for me to do now.  I hate the fact that seeing the baby section at Target makes my heart ache, and I hate the fact that I haven't gone to Buy Buy Baby since I miscarried.  Another thing I hate is when I find out a lady is pregnant, I say to myself, "I hope she doesn't miscarry."  

Being a member of the LDS church, we are taught from a young age of the importance of families, and our role as mothers.  It is planted in our heads at a very young age, and it is what we are taught to become.  We are taught to multiply and replenish the earth, and that it is the most important thing we will ever do.  

The other day I told Kyhle that I needed to find a way to not think about it all the time.  I feel like babies, treatments, and infertility have just taken over my life, and I don't know how to get it to stop.  Sometimes I like to just be alone.  I don't always want to be around a lot of people, and I especially don't want to be around a lot of babies.  To be honest, church is one of the hardest places for me to be.  I don't know how to have a conversation with someone and not bring it up.  I worry that I am becoming annoying to my friends and family, and that they wish I wouldn't talk about it so much. 

This is what is happening in my life. Right now, this is what is most important to me.  I want to spread awareness, and I want to help people understand what it means to not be able to just plan out when I want to be pregnant.  I have loved developing new relationships with fellow infertility sisters, and I love being able to help them.  Our reasons for not being able to have children may be completely different, but the pain is the same.

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream

Life on Lupron

Last night as I was watching The Bachelor, they were introducing the ladies that are going to be competing for Chris's heart this season.  I got so excited when they introduced Whitney, a fertility nurse from Chicago! I paused the TV, grabbed Kyhle, and excitedly told him about her.  I also immediately put her on my top 10 list. ;) I then started the show back up, quickly pausing it again as I realized I hadn't taken my Lupron shot yet.  If I hadn't of been so excited about a fertility nurse talking about how she helps make babies, I would have totally spaced it and missed my January dose! Thank goodness for The Bachelor. :)

I have been trying very hard to not complain about the side effects that come from Lupron, the injection that is treating my adenomyosis.  All I really care about is that it does what it is supposed to, the three months will quickly come to an end, and we can move forward with our journey.  The last month has definitely had it's challenges, mostly fighting strong migraines, hot flashes, exhaustion, and memory loss.  Sometimes I don't think I notice the memory loss as much unless I am at work.  I often find myself saying, "Now tell me how to do that again...", and there are post-its all over my desk throughout the day with reminders of tasks I need to get done during my day, and also things to do when I get home in the evening.  I will then put the post-its in my purse when I go home, and just hope that I can remember to get them out of my purse once I'm home.  ;)

My other big challenge has been the exhaustion--I want to be in my bed all the time! I love coming home from work, putting on my jams, and just climbing right in to bed.  No energy to clean, no energy to cook, no energy to leave my house, and no energy just to make it out to the couch.  All bed, all the time, sometimes falling asleep for 2-3 hours in the evening, just to go back to bed at 10 or 11 at night. 

Yes, the Lupron is giving me it's challenges, and yes it would be easier if I just didn't have to take it. But I remember (surprisingly) the quote, "Nothing worth having in life comes easy."  Isn't that the truth?  We are all faced with challenges everyday, some harder than others.  It's the way we tackle those challenges that can make us miserable, or remind us that it's just another hurdle to jump, ultimately getting us to the finish line. 

To all of our dear friends and family that have donated to our next cycle of IVF and/or shared our GoFundMe page, we have been so blessed and humbled by your love, support, and generosity.  Thank you!

http://www.gofundme.com/ThePorterBabyDream