Our Journey So Far

Kyhle and I were married in July of 2010.  We wanted to have children right away, and knew we wanted at least four kids.  Fast forward 12 months, and still no baby.  I met with my OBGYN to talk about why were weren't pregnant yet, and see if there was anything we could do differently.  She put me on Clomid (the evil drug) and thought that would solve our problems.  Fast forward 6 months, and still no baby.  January of 2012, we met with our first RE, also known as a fertility specialist.  We did some testing and blood work, and Kyhle got a clean bill of health and everything looked good on his end.  In May of 2012, I had a laparaoscopy where they found stage 1 endometriosis, along with a cyst on one of my tubes.  They also checked and made sure my tubes were clear.  On August 8, 2012, I had my first chemical pregnancy, which is a miscarriage before 5 weeks.  We decided to try Artificial Insemination, also known as IUI, and I used gonal-F injections, HCG trigger shot, and progesterone.  We ended up doing two IUIs with Dr. Carnovale, and both treatments failed.  

We took some time off over the summer of 2013, and then met with a new RE, Dr. Gentry, in November of 2013.  He did cycle 3 labs and found that I have a low AMH level, also known as my ovarian reserve, or egg count.  I was born with a smaller amount of eggs than the average woman, and so I will run out earlier than most women.  For a 25 year old, the number should be 2-3, and my number was 0.5.  Dr. Gentry summed it up as I need to get pregnant ASAP, and if we want more than one child, we need to cross our fingers that we get multiples, as I have a limited window before running out, and am at high risk for early menopause.  I have done two more IUIs with Dr. Gentry's office, and had my second chemical pregnancy on February 27, 2014.  

We are now at the point of needing to choose a next step between IVF and adoption.  After much prayer and careful consideration, we have decided to go for in vitro fertilization (IVF), as Dr. Gentry believes we have a very high chance of success.  Kyhle and I feel that if there is still that chance of us having our own children, we need to do everything possible to try.  We know that in the end, it is in Heavenly Father's hands, and if we are meant to become pregnant, we will.  We have to put our faith and trust in Him, and know that He has a plan for us.  We believe the Lord placed these amazing doctors in our lives for a reason, and gave them the gift of helping couples like us become pregnant.  One thing we love about Dr. Gentry is his strong faith, and that he will openly talk about how he just does his part, and God does the rest, and that ultimately, it's up to Him.  

Unfortunately with IVF, they do not accept payment plans, and everything has to be paid up front.  I am very grateful and lucky that I am on my parent's insurance plan for one more year until I turn 26.  With that plan, I have some fertility coverage, which is very rare.  All of my blood work and ultrasounds are covered, and I only have to pay 10% of my medications.  However, this is still a very expensive process, and with us only have a year left of this coverage, we are asking for help from our friends and family.  I am in the middle of doing a fundraiser with Thirty-one, and hosting a raffle.  We are also going to be having a garage sale at my parent's house the first weekend in June.  I have also set up an account on "Popmoney", where anyone can send us a donation straight to our savings account.  We originally set up a page on gofundme, but they keep 5% of the proceeds, so we wanted to find a different option where the money went directly to us.  

I wanted to break down the costs of everything, to show you all exactly where your loving donations will be going.  The total cost for IVF at our office is $9,200, with an additional $3,000-$5,000 for medications.  As I said above, we only have to pay 10% of the medication cost.  Grateful for that!  Our office also offers a 20% discount on physician fees if paid with cash, and 10% if paid with card.  

Physician Fees

1 Baseline Ultrasound $340 (Covered)

4 Follicle Ultrasounds $1,080 (Covered)

5 Estradiol Blood tests $675 (Covered)

1 Retrieval $2,080

1 Transfer $850

Total: $2,344 (with 20% discount)

Laboratory Fees

1 Oocyte Identification $975

1 Culture Fertilization day 1-3 $608

1 Culture Fertilization day 4-7 $608

1 Sperm Isolation $370

1 Insemination of Oocytes $525

1 Prep. of Embryo for Transfer $305

Total: $3,391

Surgery Facility

Procedure Room Assessment/Recovery $974

Procedure Room for Transfer $370

Total: $1,344

Pharmacy

$300-$500 (10%)

Kyhle and I will never be able to say thank you enough to all of you for your prayers, support, and love.  We truly are blessed with the best friends and family, and are amazed every day for all you each do for us.  Every single amount helps, and gets us closer to our goal.  If you would like to help, but cannot make a donation, you can share this post, and spread the word about our fundraising efforts.  Together, with your help, we can make this dream come true.  Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

Thirty-one Raffle

1 ticket for $5, or 5 tickets for $20.  First place winner will receive $100 in Thirty-one products, and second and third place will each receive $50 toward products.  The rest of the proceeds (after the $200 for prizes) will go toward our fund.  If you'd like to buy tickets, just let me know and I'll put your name down! Then you can either mail me the money, or send it to our account on Popmoney.  I have sold 15 tickets so far, and have 85 more to sell before we do the drawing. 

Popmoney

If you'd like to make a donation, all you need is my email address (rlmporter@gmail.com)and phone number (317-446-3774)!  Go to popmoney.com and you can make the donation straight to our account.  

https://www.popmoney.com/

“Your Father in heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him.”  -Jeffrey R. Holland

Working Together Toward a Goal

I was telling Kyhle earlier that I was bored and he told me to read a book.  Ha!  Read a book?  Does he know who he's talking to?  ;) I told him I was going to write on my blog.  He says, "Which one?"  I replied, "The only one I ever write on anymore..." He responded, "What are you going to say?"  I said, "Not sure yet...it comes to me as I write."  

This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week.  I am a part of a few groups on Facebook for women/couples battling infertility and I loved seeing all of the posts, pictures, statues, and blog entries with their stories of hope, success, heartache and faith.  I even reached out to a few of the women who wrote some of the posts, and have developed new friendships with them.  I'm telling you--it's an instant bond!  

One topic I have read a lot about lately is fundraising to help pay for treatments and/or adoption.  Unfortunately, fertility is mostly not covered by insurance companies, and has to be paid out of pocket.  Couples pay anywhere from a few hundred-$30,000 for treatments.  Something else I learned is that 1 in 7 couples struggle with infertility, and 40% is male factor infertility.  It is so sad to me that just to be able to start a family and have children, couples have to take out loans, refinance their homes, max out multiple credit cards, and save every last penny.  If I had known it was going to take us 4+ years to get pregnant, man...I would have looked at money a lot differently!  It is also heartbreaking to me that money is the issue for most couples.  Money is the one thing standing between these couples and their precious babies.  Stupid money!  

A few friends have suggested that Kyhle and I do fundraisers to help pay for us to do IVF.  It has taken me a while to think about it, and think about the idea of asking friends, family, and complete strangers for their help.  A couple of friends have said, "We want to help you.  Those who love you want to do what they can to support you guys and be a part of your journey."  I have never been one who can easily ask for help.  It takes a lot for me to swallow my pride and admit that we can't always do things on our own.  

I have read a lot on the site gofundme.com and found hundreds of couples on there trying to raise funds for IVF treatments and adoptions.  I was shocked at how many people were on there!  It just confirmed to me that so many amazing couples are just trying to build their families, but they need the help of their loved ones and any willing strangers to help them out.  I found out that Pampered Chef and Thirty-One both do fundraisers, and I have found consultants to help me set those up!  My mom and I also talked about fundraising ideas such as selling candy bars at her school to the students for $1, baking yummy treats and selling them in the teacher's lounge, at church, or at work, and possibly doing a 3 on 3 basketball tourney or golf tourney.  We also talked about setting up a garage sale at my parent's house in May or June to help raise money for IVF.  

Two of the reasons this is so important to me now is because I have insurance coverage for 1 more year, where all of my medications ($3000-$5000) are covered, along with some of the procedure.  After I turn 26,  I lose my Dad's insurance, and possibly will lose any fertility coverage.  Another reason is because of my ovarian reserve already being so low at .5.  Unfortunately, Dr. Gentry has told me this gives me a limited amount of time to get pregnant.  I have the egg count of a woman in her mid-30s, instead of her mid-20s.  It also puts me at high risk for early menopause.  

For Pampered Chef, I can host an online catalog party, and 10-15% of the proceeds go to our fundraiser.  For Thirty-One, I will do a raffle and sell 100 "squares."  Each square will sell for $5, or 4 for $15.  After 100 have sold, first place winner will receive $100 towards Thirty-One products, and second and third place will receive $50 of products.   The rest of the money will go toward our fundraiser.  :)  I thought with Mother's Day coming, it was good timing to do both of those fundraisers.  I'm not sure how many people are interested in either of those, but it never hurts to try!  

I am also going to set up a page on gofundme.com for anyone who would just like to donate to our fund.  If you would like to be a part of our journey, I will post the link on my blog and my Facebook.  We are so grateful for our friends and family, and would never be able to make it through this trial without you.  Every single one of you who reads this blog are so special to me.  If you are reading this blog, it shows that you care and that you are invested in our journey.  We love you for that.  Our baby will be so incredibly loved by their parents, their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many, many friends.  We will be very lucky and blessed parents, but they will also be a very lucky and blessed child.  

http://www.gofundme.com/8rg5i4

Options

There will always be surprises along an infertility journey, but starting birth control pills seems to be a tad ironic to me.  I feel like we just took 5 steps backwards!  I know in my last post I said we were done with IUI, but we decided to try one more time.  When I went in for my routine ultra sound scan a couple of weeks ago, they found a large, 20 mm cyst on my right ovary.  This means that I did not ovulate during the month of March, and the follicle turned in to a cyst instead.  To shrink the cyst, they started me on a high estrogen birth control for 3 weeks.  I will have my next scan on Friday, and if the cyst isn't smaller than 15 mm, then I will have to have another laparoscopy to remove it.  

I knew if the cyst didn't shrink enough, then we would have to put the IUI off another month (at least), but I was just told this past Friday that surgery would be the next option, and that threw me for another loop.  My parents and I met with Dr. Gentry this last Friday to discuss why the cyst developed, and if doing another IUI would be the right decision, or if we should move on with a different option.  Dr. Gentry did tell us that while IUI isn't a horrible idea, we would definitely have a much better chance if we move on and do IVF.  Also if we were to do IVF, we would find out if my eggs are even capable of fertilizing.  I already had ordered my meds for another IUI, but the same meds can be used for an IVF, so I will just save them for now and make more decisions later on. We can't decide anything until we figure out if surgery will be necessary or not.  Dr. Gentry did say that having surgery could be good because then he could go in and check for any endometriosis and "clean me out" before we do anymore treatments.  When I asked them when we would do it, they said it would probably be the end of April/early May.  The idea of having another surgery so soon and having to take a couple of weeks of work last minute like that just stresses me out to no end!  Praying that everything will turn out okay, and the cyst will either be gone or small enough to not require any more work. 

For some reason, I can't let go of the possibility of doing IVF.  Not only has it been my dream since I was a little girl to be a mommy, but it has also always been a dream of mine to be pregnant.  I remember stuffing my shirt with a pillow and walking around pretending I was pregnant, and posing with my "pregnant belly" in the mirror.  I still have moments where I will look in the mirror and imagine what I would look like carrying my baby.  How do I let go of that dream?  Ever since marrying Kyhle, I've always tried picturing what a baby would look like with a little bit of him and a little bit of me.  I go through our old baby pictures and close my eyes to think of our babies.  I am also only covered on this insurance until my 26th birthday (one more year), and it currently covers all blood work, ultra sounds, and medicine, which is HUGE!  I feel like I have to take advantage of such good coverage while I have it.  

A friend of mine recently found out she is pregnant with twins through IVF!  I am so incredibly happy and excited for her, but it definitely makes me rethink our next steps.  I can't help but wonder, "If she got pregnant and is having twins, then maybe it'll work for us!"  I can't think that way.  Every woman is different, and every journey is different.  Dr. Gentry has told me a few times that I am a "rare case".  I told my mom that I wish he would look at me and say, "You know what?  You are a special case, a special couple, and I want to do everything I can to help make your dream come true, so I will do all of this pro bono!" Now wouldn't that be a dream come true?  ;)

Some days and weeks are just rougher than others, and I have to remember that everyone is battling something.  This just happens to be our battle.  I have to remember that my patriarchal blessing says that I will be a mother, and I have to lean on that, and have faith that it will happen when it is supposed to happen.  I have to remember that just because we don't have the 1-2 children we thought we would have by now, doesn't mean we aren't a family.  I am so grateful for my little family with Kyhle, Jeter, and Gehrig.  I have to remember that I am a wife, an Aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a teacher, a niece, a cousin, and a granddaughter.  I just can't wait for the day that I can add "Mommy" to that list.  

Happiness VS. Heartache

So much can happen in just a little over a month--some good, some not so good.  Sometimes there is so much happening that you don't have the time to just stop and think for a minute.  That is definitely how I have been feeling, and I haven't quite decided if I am grateful for that or not.  

We did our fourth IUI on February 5.  They say not to take a pregnancy test until 14 days, or you may get a false positive/negative.  Obviously I couldn't wait, so on day 9, I took a test. Positive.  I was in complete shock!  I just stared at the test for the first few minutes not knowing what to think.  I of course then broke into tears, still not knowing what to think.  Day 10, I took a test.  Positive.  What?  Is this real life!?  I wish.  

Two days after the expected date, my cycle started.  Pain, cramping, back aches, headaches...severe pain.  Later that day, I called the doctor with some concerns (I'll spare you the details), and the nurse said not to worry about it and it was just a little different this time and should calm down in the next day or so.  Five days later, I was still in a lot of pain, mixed with other concerning symptoms.  Unfortunately, Kyhle was out of town on a business trip in DC, so I was by myself on this one.  Day six, Thursday, the nurse called to check on me and see how my symptoms were doing.  After our talk, we came to the conclusion that my suspicions were correct.  I had experienced a second chemical pregnancy, also known as a miscarriage before 5 weeks.  My first was on August 8, 2012.  

I guess it was somewhat good timing, as we left for vacation in California the next day.  I didn't have much time to think about it and dwell on it.  Kyhle and I thoroughly enjoyed our whole trip in rainy California, and are so happy we were able to pick up his brother, Saxon, from his mission in Santa Rosa.  We enjoyed each other, enjoyed travelling, enjoyed spending time with family, enjoyed eating at new restaurants and really enjoyed driving all over Kyhle's LA mission and meeting a few of his favorite people.  We really didn't think about what happened a few days before.  

Sadly, on our way home from California, we got a call from Kyhle's step dad saying that our precious girl, Millie, had passed away.  We were in complete shock, as it was a total surprise.  She was just 2 years old, and we brought her home from the shelter when she was just a 7 week old pup.  We had two amazing, wonderful, fun years with her, and miss her dearly.  The last week without her here has been incredibly rough, and we have been spoiling Jeter like crazy.  He misses his sister and best friend, and he has been even more attached to us now than he was before.  Millie was my baby.  Kyhle took me to pick her out a month after we found out having children was going to be a challenge for us.  She was supposed to be my baby to take care of and love on, until I could have one myself.  It seems cruel to me that she was taken from us a week after a failed pregnancy.  I am trying to see the positive in the situation, and cherish my memories with her, and I am anxious to find out what she has in store for us.  

We thought we would try the IUI one more time, but over the last week, I have been feeling like that just isn't what we are supposed to do.  Something changed with my insurance plan, and now I can't use my discount pharmacy, and we'll have to pay 10% of my medicines.  I feel like it's just not worth it, and not how we are going to have a family.  It's hard to think about sinking money in to something so many times that just keeps failing while also emptying your wallet.  

I have been feeling strongly about learning more about adoption and our options through that journey.  I went ahead and made the call today to LDS Family Services to learn more about them, and try to set up a meeting with a counselor.  I had a great chat with a lady, and learned that while it is still a long, hard, tiring process, approval doesn't take as long as expected.  However, waiting for the birth mother to choose you can be excruciating.  She has emailed me all of the initial paperwork including the application, the Bishop recommendation, the insurance papers, and the packet of training courses we have to take.  We still haven't found out how we will pay for it, obviously.  I have been looking in to adoption loans and grants, trying to find ways to fund everything.  I have a friend also trying to adopt, and she has started making bibs and other items to sell to help save.  We have a lot to figure out for that, but I am feeling more and more that adoption is the route to go, and we should start sooner rather than later.  

I will never stop yearning to be pregnant, but I am feeling the need to be a mother stronger than I am feeling the need to be pregnant.  My sister-in-law told me that's when she knew she was ready to adopt, and now I understand what she meant. 

No Longer Unexplained

This week has been one of the most challenging so far.  Tuesday, I got a call with some results of blood work I got done.  They ran something called a "cycle day 3 panel", which is where they check your LH levels, FSH levels, estrogen levels, and your AMH, which is also known as your Ovarian Reserve.  The ovarian reserve is the number of eggs a woman was born with.  The number most 25 year old women have is 2-3, and they don't want it at any lower than a 1.  Unfortunately, my ovarian reserve is 0.5, which is a number more for a 35-40 year old woman, as the older you get, the more your eggs decrease, and the harder it is to get pregnant.  There is nothing you can do about your AMH level, and it is just the amount we were each born with.  

I had two appointments at Dr. Gentry's yesterday, and it was all filled with many ups and downs.  My morning appointment was for an ultra sound scan to check my follicles, along with some blood work to check my estrogen levels.  At that appointment, they found my follicles weren't growing as fast as they should, and my estrogen was still quite low.  I asked the nurse what that meant, and she told me they usually want your estrogen level between 300-400 at that point, and mine was only 98.  I called Kyhle as I left the appointment and told him the news, and then I headed to the gym.  One good thing about that news was that it made me motivated to do a hard workout and take my anger and sadness out on the treadmill!  

Later in the afternoon, I had another appointment for a consultation with Dr. Gentry.  My parents and Kyhle were able to come with me so they could hear everything he had to say, and see what his thoughts were for our next step and our chances of ever having children.  He is such a wonderful, understanding doctor, and he made sure to take the time to answer every one of our questions, and explain everything so thoroughly to make sure we were all on the same page.  I was so grateful to have Kyhle and my parents with me, because there is no way I would have been able to understand everything on my own, as I was already feeling so overwhelmed.  

He explained more to us about my ovarian reserve and explained that it is very good I am "so young" because I have a little more time to work to get pregnant.  However, unlike most cases, he wants to aim for multiples, as I will have a very limited about of time until my AMH levels drop even more.  He kept telling us that I am a rare case, because he doesn't see 25 year olds with such low numbers like mine.  He also told us that if we are wanting more than 1 child, we need to try hard to have our children very close in age before I get too much older, or else I most likely won't be able to have anymore.  Unfortunately, having such a low AMH level also means I will more than likely go through menopause between the ages of 35-40, but they will work with me and do what they can to help prevent that as much as possible.  In my opinion, I think Dr. Gentry is excited to have me as a patient because I am "such a rare case." He seems like he is up for the challenge.  :)

Dr. Gentry decided he wants me to continue the injections for this week and he increased my dose to help stimulate the follicles a little more.  I will go back Monday for another ultra sound, and as long as my estrogen level at least doubled, we will continue with IUI #4.  If they don't, we may sadly have to cancel this round and rethink our next step.  He told us that he still feels good about our chances of IUI working, as long we are pro-active with my meds and ultra sounds, and as long as he sees some of my levels increase with the follicle sizes.  He said that if this round doesn't work, we will meet with him again to discuss further options.  

I am grateful to finally have an answer as to why we haven't been able to have a baby yet.  I am grateful that they no longer can tell me, "We just don't know why this isn't working.  You have unexplained infertility."  It makes me sad that there really is nothing they can do for my eggs, and it makes me sad that we have a small window to try to become pregnant.  However, a blessing that I do see from all of this, is that since we married young, and started to try for a family young, we were able to catch this early instead of when it was too late.  Like Dr. Gentry told us, we are going to stay cautiously optimistic.  

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I guess we will just keep waiting.  I don't know what I was really expecting to happen this time around, or why I thought it would be any different.  The test first thing this morning was negative, and then an hour later, I got confirmation.  I called the nurse to let her know and her response was, "Well we will have you rest this month to give your ovaries a break, but I just want to let you know that so many of our couples get pregnant on their rest month."  She then proceeded to say, "I don't know you very well, but if I were you, I would party and have fun on New Year's Eve, because that's when so many people get pregnant!"  Really?  Like I get she was trying to be fun and upbeat, but it really wasn't helping.  I went ahead and ordered the medicine again for another round of IUI, because I wanted to order it before the year is over so it can go under this insurance with the deductible.  However, I'm not sure if we will try an IUI again.  It is such a challenging month on all the injections, and having the appointments at the spur of the moment, and it takes such an emotional and physical toll on both of us.  We got so excited this month, and felt so happy and good about everything.  Why would we want to feel that again just to be let down...again? 

I just feel so lost at this point.  I'm not sure what I want to do, other than go on a beach vacation and get away from it all.  I am grateful that it came today instead of coming late, so that I didn't have that hope still in the back of my mind, and I am able to let family and friends know so they don't think I will be announcing anything on Christmas.  Maybe I am just meant to be "Aunt Becky" and let go of everything else.  We really don't have any other options, unless some miracle happens and we come up with $10,000 for IVF/adoption.  I have to continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us when it's the right time, but it is so hard not to get angry and hurt every month when it isn't happening and we are doing everything we can.   

Perfect Timing

I can't believe it has already been a month since my last post and we are now ready for IUI #3!  It has been a rough, emotional couple of weeks since I started my injections, and Kyhle and I are incredibly grateful that those have come to and end (for now).  Kyhle didn't hesitate to tell me if I was being a bit cranky and crazy. Since my dosage was doubled, I struggled with some horrible headaches, hot flashes, and mood swings.  My mom said to me one night, "Now you will have more sympathy for women who have gone through menopause!"  

Though it has been a challenging couple of weeks, I am very happy that I have responded very well to the higher dosage of injections, and the doctor is very pleased with my progress so far.  I've had 4 ultrasounds in the last 2 weeks, and each scan showed great progression, with multiple, larger follicles.  The ideal size for a follicle is anywhere between 18-25 mm.  You also hope you can end up with 2-3 follicles for the procedure.  Our last two IUIs, I ended up with only 1, as I had follicles disappear right before.  In my first scan, I had five  good looking follicles, and in my last scan on Thursday, I had seven!  I was so excited!  Now, this doesn't mean all seven will fertilize.  As I said, they need to be 18-25 mm, and not all seven were that large.  However, we are expecting 2-3 to be of the right size, which is just what we want to see!  

Kyhle and I will go in for the procedure tomorrow morning at 7:30.  I am nervous, yet this is the calmest I have felt in our whole journey.  I feel ready.  I feel prepared.  I feel like everything has lined up perfectly this time around.  I have responded so well to the injections, I was able to get tomorrow morning off without any stress involved and worrying about getting back in time, and Kyhle just happens to be on vacation this next week, so he won't have to worry about his schedule tomorrow, and he will be able to actually go to my appointment with me.  He was unable to go to the first two IUIs, and I know I will feel much more at peace having him by my side.  Another thing that seems perfect and like a dream come true, is that we will find out if it works or not right at Christmas time.  My whole family is coming home for Christmas this year, so we will all be together.  I understand that could go really well, or horribly wrong.  

Kyhle and I, along with some family and friends fasted today.  In my prayer this morning, I asked Heavenly Father for acceptance and understanding if this procedure doesn't work.  I know we both have our hopes up since everything has worked out so well to this point, and I know we will be crushed if it doesn't work, but I also know that just because timing seems perfect and feels right to us, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's perfect to Heavenly Father. 

 

I am still keeping the faith and staying hopeful. :)