Aren't They Cute?

 Days 1-2: Minor headaches and dizziness

Day 3: Same with some nausea

Day 4:  Headache and stomach pain

So basically I have experienced most of the small symptoms, but overall I am feeling well.  I am so ready for my next appointment on Wednesday, feeling anxious to know what they see and say.  I'm most of all ready to find out the next step and when everything will happen.  

As I have said on many posts, I have always been crazy about everything baby.  As a little girl, I would walk my way to the baby section at every store, and carried my baby doll in a car seat with a diaper bag everywhere we went.  Over the last year or so, Kyhle and I have slowly started collecting some baby outfits that we fell in love with when we saw them.  Some of them I will keep for our future babies, and some I will probably start gifting at showers.  

Here are some favorites...

I can't wait to use these sweet little outfits on our sweet little baby someday! 

When Kyhle and I were watching The Bachelor the other night, there was a commercial that we just fell in love with.  It is exactly how we picture our family!  Now, I have a weird habit of laughing when I cry.  I don't know if it's out of embarrassment, or trying to cover up the tears, but when I randomly start to laugh, Kyhle will look over at me to check and see if I'm crying.  After this commercial, I started laughing uncontrollably, mixed with a few tears!  It was so touching.  Then we each got a good 10 minute laugh.  Love those!

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8kOeV56-kc

Are you...?

1 shot down, 5 to go!  

After standing in my kitchen, holding the needle for fifteen minutes, I did it!  I stuck it in and didn't flinch!  I stood there with the needle right at my stomach the whole time, and I kept counting down.  I just couldn't do it.  I looked to my left and saw the pictures of all of my nieces and nephews, and reminded myself the whole reason for giving myself these shots--to have my own sweet baby.  I then took a deep breath, "1, 2, 3!"  It was so easy and painless!  

I had my appointment yesterday to get the whole process started.  They did a routine ultrasound just to make sure everything still looked healthy and clear, and then showed me how to administer my medicine.  I will give myself a shot each evening through Tuesday.  I will then go back to the doc on Wednesday morning, get another ultrasound, and go from there.  

I have been doing so much reading all about artificial insemination.  There are many amazing success stories, and each one that I read makes it harder and harder to not get my hopes up even higher.  Is this really happening?  I have been so incredibly anxious the past few days, and I know the next couple of weeks will just be torture.  There is so much unknown, and that is making it difficult for me to just keep calm and enjoy the journey.  

I realized today that I am not signed up for short-term disability, which is what helps pay for maternity leave.  I knew if I wasn't signed up before we were to get pregnant, they wouldn't approve it because it would have been a pre-existing condition.  I was so worried I would have to wait for open enrollment, but luckily I was able to get signed up today, and will be covered if needed.  What a relief!   When talking to my boss about it, he says very quietly, "Are you pregnant?!"  I laughed and told him no, and he proceeded to say, "You can tell me if you are...don't lie to me!"  Ha! I just replied with, "No, but hopefully will be soon!" :)

Miracles Happen

This past week has had more ups and downs than I would have preferred.  It was quite challenging to keep a positive attitude and have faith that everything would be OK.  Here is a little summary of our week:

Monday:  

I called my REI office and officially ordered all of my medicine to begin our IUI process.  It was such a good feeling to put in my order and feel like it was actually happening!

Tuesday:  

The private pharmacy company sending me the medicine called to get more information, like my mailing address and insurance details. Progress!

Wednesday: 

The company called and told me that my insurance was not accepting my medicine.  WHAT?  They said they did a thorough investigation, and infertility drugs are not covered by my insurance.  I said, "That can't be correct.  My medicine has always been covered."  They repeated it was in fact not covered, and told me it would be $800 for one box and $60 for my other.  They then said, "We have a $200 off coupon, so it would only be $660!"  Oh, well isn't that nice.  I told them thanks, but no thanks, and that I would be calling my doctor.  I called the REI office and talked to their billing lady, and she told me that must be incorrect, and advised me to call my insurance company myself to talk to them.  I called Anthem and explained the story and the woman replied with, "No, your medicine is not covered.  Fertility medicine is only covered if its for diagnosis and treatment."  Okay lady...we are treating infertility!  Well infertility treatments are an elective, because you are choosing to have  baby. Wow.  When I got off the phone with that non-helpful person, it was too late to call my doc back, so I hate to just sit and cry, trying to accept the fact that we may not be able to do this after all.  I called Kyhle and told him everything, trying to hold back my tears.  

Thursday:

I called my doc first thing in the morning  to tell them what insurance had said.  She told me to call them again and ask what they have to be treating for it to be covered.  So here I go again!  I called Anthem again, and this time they were more helpful.  The nice woman listened to my story and then said, "Let me transfer you to the pharmacy department, because they will know the answers for you dealing with medicine."  So I waited on hold, talked to the pharmacist, and lo and behold...my medicine IS covered!  YES!!!  However, it's the beginning of the year, and we haven't met our deductible yet.  So yes, we will have to pay the $660 out of pocket.  So this procedure went from costing us $300, to costing $1000!  That's a pretty big jump.  Kyhle and I wanted to wait and talk about it some more, because we were not prepared for those unexpected expenses.  I called my dad later that night to tell him what was going on and let him know we'd have to wait to do it.  He said, "Well, maybe I could just go ahead and pay that, and then we could get our deductible ($700) out of the way.  Let me figure some stuff out and we'll see what we can do."  Oh, man!  That definitely made me hopeful, and my dad was my hero.  Maybe we would be able to do this after all!  

Friday:  

While shopping at Target with my sisters and mom, I got a call from the pharmacy. I walked off on my own to have some privacy and brace myself for what I was going to be told. 

"Rebecca, we wanted to let you know we got your medicine processed, and your insurance accepted the payment.  Your amount owed today is $56."  

I'm thinking, "WHAT?  How is this even possible?  I am so confused!"  I asked them over and over if they were sure that was all I had to pay and that my insurance really did pay for it, and she reassured me it was taken care of.  So a miracle happened.  I gave her my card number, paid the $56, and that was it.  She then told me they were going to ship it overnight to make sure it was here in time for my cycle to start.  She took my parent's address, since I am here until Monday, and told me it would be here tomorrow (Saturday) via Fed Ex.  

Since I was in Target, I was trying so hard not to cry (happy tears, of course!).  How could this all be possible?  I was given the run-around by the different companies and really thought it wasn't going to happen for us.  I prayed and prayed all week that something would change, and we would be given the opportunity to continue on with the IUI.  Prayers are answered!  It truly is a miracle to me.  I don't know how it happened, but it happened, and my medicine will be here today.  I am so anxious, nervous, excited, scared, happy...feeling so many different emotions.  

This is happening.  I will start my medicine as soon as my cycle starts, and go back and forth between my work and the doctor.  I am prepared for the crazy that the next few weeks will bring.  Let's make a baby! 

Decisions

We have had to make a lot of decisions lately regarding our possible future family.  Making decisions can be so stressful, and really takes it's toll.  I become excited one minute about the possibilities, and then fear starts to control my emotions and I can't help but be scared of all of the bad things that could happen.  But how will you know until you try, right?  

Over the last couple of months, we have been going back and forth about whether to try Artificial Insemination (also known as IUI) or not.  Luckily, our insurance covers almost all of the costs, which is amazing, so it would be about $350.  Not bad at all!  When we tell people that, their response is always, "Then why would you not do it?  You have to try it!"  

The money isn't the issue.  The issue is the fears of all of the what ifs.  It will take a physical, mental, and emotional toll on both Kyhle and myself.  What if I go through with all the medications, injections, mood swings, crazy hormonal mess, and it doesn't work?  Or what if it does work, and then I miscarry shortly after?  I would want to be so excited about being pregnant, but in the back of my mind, I would constantly be worrying about losing it.  

We went to lunch with Kyhle's mom yesterday, and had a long talk with her about everything we are feeling, and what all is happening.  I told her my fears and she said, "You can't live like that.  You have to keep the positive attitude.  You can't walk around saying you don't want to try something because you are scared it won't work."  She then went on to tell me that we have to try everything we can, and that we can't give up.  I had to hold back my tears because of being in a restaurant, and I knew if I cried, she would cry.  I hope she doesn't mind me sharing all of this!  Something she said that meant so much to me was the following: 

"There are so many little Porter babies up in Heaven right now, and their spirits are just waiting to come down to you.  They will come.  You are one of the strongest people I know, and you will get through this.  I am your biggest cheerleader and I will do whatever I can to help you guys and support you." 

So it was time.  Time to make the final decision of what our next step would be.  During our drive home from Terre Haute last night, we talked and talked about our fears, our hopes, our dreams for our family and future children.  I love those talks.  

We made the decision to go ahead with artificial insemination!  Our first round will start around the end of this month.  This is a huge step for us, and we are so excited to take it.  But of course, we can't help but be nervous and fearful of it not working.  On the other side, we  I now can't stop talking about baby, baby, baby!  Of course my hopes are up.  I try to tell myself they aren't, and try to be realistic, but reality is...this could work, and we could be pregnant very soon.  

I will know more details in about a week, but here's the gist for now:

I will go in for my initial ultrasound, and they will make sure everything looks good and clear to start medicine.  I will then give myself a shot in my tummy every evening for a week to stimulate the hormones.  Then I will go back in for another ultrasound and they will check the size of my follicles.  (Lots of technical terms!  Look them up for further info.)  I will probably continue giving myself the shots for a couple of weeks, going in and out of my doctor's office for ultrasounds and blood work.  When the follicles are the right size, we will then do the "transfer", which will only take 20 minutes.  We have decided to transfer 2 eggs instead of just one, to increase our chances of success.  There is a chance both will take, and we could be blessed with twins.  There is also a slight chance they could both take, and one could split, resulting in triplets, but that is a very slim chance.  And then of course there is a chance only one would take, or possibly none.  

So that's that.  I'm sure I will write a lot during my injection weeks, and let you know how we are handling that!  I have been warned that the injections (shots) are worse than the evil drug I used to take, Clomid.  Oh, fun!  I have already apologized to Kyhle in advance! :) In all seriousness, we are so grateful for this opportunity, and are trying our best to stay positive and think happy thoughts.  

“Your Father in heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him.” 

-Jeffrey R. Holland

Focus

Sometimes when I write on here, I never know what I am going to say.  I just write as it comes to my mind.  I guess that's why it's my online journal.  I'll start by saying my dream was in fact a nightmare, as it did not actually happen.  I also must admit I had my hopes up on Christmas Eve, and when nothing happened, my hopes went even higher.  Then nothing happened Christmas morning and I was starting to think, "Oh my gosh!  What if this could be the month?"  Then afternoon came, and no, it was not the month.  Oh, well! 

I know I say this all the time, but I am so grateful for a strong, happy marriage.  So many couples get torn apart from fertility struggles, and disagreements on treatments.  Sometimes I am blown away by the amount of people who say, "How is your marriage holding up?"  Really?  I find it so sad that many marriages end in divorce because it becomes too much to handle, and couples end up blaming each other.  Knowing that it's my "fault" we haven't had a baby, I can't imagine how I would feel if Kyhle blamed me for it.  I couldn't imagine if I didn't have his love, support, and encouragement.  

Last night on our way home from Christmas with the family, Kyhle and I had such a good conversation.  I love those!  I won't go into details of our conversation, but one thing he said was the best thing I have ever heard.  "I just want to focus on us starting our family.  That's what is important to me right now."

Music to my ears, making my heart flutter! 

By the way...I am watching

"What to Expect When You're Expecting" 

Christmas List

Last night I had an amazing dream.  It was the perfect dream and felt so real.  

Then I woke up. 

Here's what happened:

It was Christmas Eve.  I was curious, so I took a pregnancy test.  Positive.  What!? Positive?  I took 5 more.  All positive.  This can't be.  I've never had a positive test, in over 2 years.  I took 5 more!  All positive.  Okay, officially the best Christmas ever.  On Christmas morning, I went ahead and took another test, and of course, it was positive.  I hid the test in Kyhle's stocking. (Gross, I know!)  He dumped out his stocking, found the test, looked at me in shock, and broke down into tears.  Like I said, best Christmas ever.  We then were too excited to wait, so we announced it to our families.  We got to Skype with his brother on a mission, and told him over the computer. Then we skyped with all of my out-of-state siblings, and told them the news.  Again, like I said, best Christmas ever. 

I must say, I was pretty bummed when I woke up to find that whole amazing day was just a dream.  Or should I say a nightmare, since it didn't really happen. Bummer.

So it was a rough night.  But today at work almost made up for it.  I had a great day!

I had three little girls (who are family,) and a little boy for the first couple of hours today.   We had so much fun!  They were all being so well behaved, and I was remembering why I am so grateful for my job.  As we were doing story time, they were sitting quietly on the floor all getting along.  I then heard "Grown Up Christmas List" come on the radio quietly in the background.  I started softly singing along with the song, and one of the little girls, 3 years old, started swaying back and forth, while her twin sister hummed along with me.  This may be corny, but it was a little magical, and I started to tear up a little bit.  (Laugh all you want.)

Then the song "All I Want For Christmas is You" came on.  I jumped up, turned it loud, and we had an epic dance party.  It was the best!  My four little kiddos and I all danced around the room together, laughing, clapping, and trying to sing along.  It was one of the best moments I've had with my "students."  I kept looking at all of them, and telling myself over and over again how lucky I am to be their teacher, and how blessed I am to have each of them in my life.  I need to remember that on our rough days.  Days when they are struggling to listen and obey.  Days when they are on my last nerve.  Days when all I want to do is go home to some peace and quiet.  

I will always cherish today with my students, and will forever remember how much fun we had singing, dancing, clapping and laughing.  Their laughter and little personalities fill my heart with so much joy, and I love each of them.  They will always have a special place in my heart.  

No more lives torn apart

That wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts

Everyone would have a friend

And right would always win

All love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list

-Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant

Miserably Happy!

The more I write on this blog, the more friends I have telling me their stories about their journey in trying to have a baby, and what they went through/are going through.  It's amazing to me how many women struggle with this.  Kyhle and I had a long talk about it all last night, and discussed our journey, while also talking about different friends of ours who have or haven't struggled.  While speaking in general terms (not specifically about me), he said something that really stood out.

"Look, you can either be miserable and have no baby, or you can be happy and have no baby.  Either way, you still don't have a baby.  Being miserable about it isn't going to change that."  

Choose to be happy.  Choose to love life, and love my family and friends I am blessed with.  I don't want to be that miserable woman who is always complaining, and worse...always angry.  I don't want to be angry.  I've been that woman.  I've been the angry, miserable, complainer.  It's not worth it, and doesn't change anything.  

By choosing to be happy and thankful for what I am blessed with, it makes the journey more tolerable.  It also makes me realize how much I do have, and all we are blessed with.  Am I happy every day?  Of course not!  I still can have my angry, miserable, complaining days, but I choose to make those on a rare occasions.  Progress! :)

(Maybe today has just been a really good day)