Why Wait?

Making the decision to adopt is not one that comes lightly.  You don't just say, "Okay, well we've been trying for a little while with no luck.  Let's just adopt!" It doesn't work that way.    

There are a lot of prayers said.  All day.  Every day.  I feel like that's all I do now!  I will be driving to work in the morning, and say prayers out loud asking Heavenly Father if it is the right path for us.  I will say a silent prayer during my shower, asking for answers.  Kyhle and I pray together every night, and always pray for guidance in what we should do, and the path we should choose.  

I have always been interested in adoption, especially a child of a different race.  After my brother and his wife adopted their first baby, Gwen (who is now a beautiful 8 year old), I have always thought about that possibility.  I wonder now if that was Heavenly Father's way of telling me back then that adoption would be my way of having children.  I have great examples in my life of couples who have adopted, and I love seeing the way it has blessed not only their lives, but also the life of that innocent child.  

Yes, we have only been married and trying for a baby for 2 years.  Some people may think that we should wait another 2-3 years before we even think about adoption.  Why wait?  

I had a great chat with my sister-in-law, Jeri, the other night.  She called me one evening after I got off work, and left me the sweetest voice mail.  I love how some people call right when it's needed the most.  I called her back the next night, and we talked for a long time about adoption-- the process, the paperwork, the cost, etc.  When they lived in Southern California, she and my brother were representatives for Families Supporting Adoption, a group sponsored by LDS Services.  Plus, they adopted 3 of their 4 through LDS Services, as well.  She was full of so much helpful information!  I am so grateful to her for being so supportive, and willing to help.  

She explained to me that if we are serious about it, and know we want to adopt, to start the process right away.  She then told me that it takes a minimum of 6-8 months just to get approved, but it usually takes a year for most couples.  There are so many different interviews, background checks, fingerprints, paperwork, and home inspections.  She mentioned that you pay some of the money up front, to help pay for the home inspections and interviews, and then the rest you pay when you have been placed with a baby.  She helped me understand that it is a long, overwhelming process, and it takes so much patience and faith to get through everything.  After you have been approved, you could get a call any day.  As soon as your profile is up on the church website, the birth mothers have access to it, and can contact you right away.  You could be placed with a baby in a week, or you could still have to wait another 2-5 years.  

I don't want to try for another 2 years, then start the process, take a year to get approved, then have the possibility of not being placed with a baby for another 1-3 years.  I would say yes tomorrow! I have been waiting to be a mommy since I was baby-sitting at 12 years old.  There is nothing I want more in this world.  Yes, I want a big family.  But if I could be blessed with that one, special baby, I would be eternally grateful.  

I have already started driving myself crazy!  I have read every profiles of the couples/families trying to adopt that are in the 20-25 age range, and I have started reading some of the other couples.  How do you not compare yourself to them?  How do you tell yourself it's not a competition?  Heavenly Father is the one who makes those decisions.  He is the one who places that baby with you.  When it is the right birth mother and the right baby, you will know, and you will be blessed.

"Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstances.  He hears your prayers.  He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations.  And He knows what you can become through faith in Him."

- Jeffrey R. Holland

  

Pressure

I have had so many of you wonderful people give us the nicest compliments, and such awesome support.  For that, we are grateful.  For that, we love you!  

I have heard a few times recently that Kyhle and I have such good attitudes, and are staying so strong and positive throughout this difficult trial.  I don't think any couple can make it through without thinking positive and having strong faith, with a good attitude.  I think it would be impossible.  But, I definitely do not have a good attitude everyday.  I have my bad days.  My mood swings.  My "I feel sorry for myself" days.  I feel pressured.  Then I think of other people in my life who have experienced much more difficult trials, and I am humbled.  How grateful I am that I am only 23 years old and in good health.  How grateful I am that I have such a loving, faithful, and supportive husband that I love to spend time with.  

Kyhle has been right there by my side through all of our infertility heartache.  Obviously he wants a child more than anything in this world.  If it were up to him, we would have 9 kids and start our own baseball team!  (Sorry to disappoint, honey!)  But it has taken a different toll on me.  I feel guilty.  I feel like it's my fault we don't have a baby yet.  

For the last 18 months, I have been a faithful at "temping", taking ovulation tests, and recording every little detail each month.  I know it has been hard on Kyhle and definitely puts pressure on him.  I also know it has (sadly) kind of taken the "romance" away.  Since I hit my four month post-surgery mark, I have been feeling a little more stressed and losing a little more hope.  Definitely feeling much more pressured.  

As we were on our date last night, I told Kyhle I wanted to stop "trying."  Music to his ears!  I am going to stop taking my temperature every morning, stop taking ovulation tests, and stop recording every little detail.  How long will that last?  I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband and family.  I want to enjoy upcoming events, and an upcoming vacation.  I don't want to be stressed out about what cycle day I am on, and how much time we are going to have.  I want to take the pressure away.  

Yes, I am still going to be obsessed with babies.  I always have been.  Always will be.  I will still write on here all the time and let you know how we are doing, and what kind of mood I am in.  

As I reached onto my bedside table this morning to grab my thermometer, I stopped myself.  Was it hard to not take and record my temperature?  Absolutely.  Is it going to be a challenge for me to let go and stop wondering what else I can do differently?  Absolutely.  Is it going to take the pressure away?  Let's hope!  Is it going to bring the romance back to our lives?  That's for me to know and you to never find out! ;)

Time Table

The dreaded four month mark.  

It has arrived.  This is the point we were hoping and praying wouldn't come.  Granted, I am still 1 week away from the exact mark, but still.  Just sayin'.  

Here's a little recap...

After my surgery and discovering the endometriosis, my doctor was expecting we would successfully get pregnant within 2-4 months.  If we are not by the the four months, then we "most likely will not be able to conceive on our own."  

Yes, we are definitely going to keep trying, and do what we can to get pregnant, but we have decided to start planning and preparing for the adoption process.  

Adoption!  

We just really started this weekend, but Kyhle and I have been doing a lot of research and reading about the whole process.  The steps, the price, the challenges, the home inspections.  We are not going to be able to start the paperwork right away, but we are getting ready and doing the things needed to be able to get approved.  

Kyhle and I are excited about this blessing in our lives.  Last night, we were reading profiles of all of the couples in the 20-25 age range trying to adopt through LDS Family Services.  I really loved reading the success stories, and the stories of why they chose to adopt. We answered the questions to see if we would qualify, and were happy to see that indeed we do!  

As of right now, the plan is for Kyhle to take the LSAT over Christmas break.  Then he will start applying to law school as soon as he gets his scores.  Hopefully we will know by next summer where we are going to "end up."  We will then start the full process of applications and paperwork.  He will graduate from IUPUI in December of 2013.  We feel like it would be best to continue saving over the next 6-9 months, and then start the paperwork, the summer before he graduates and we head to grad school.  

My fear is that it could take 2-3 years to even be chosen by a birth mother.  That is why I really want to start the process now.  But I know it is the best decision to continue saving and working toward that goal.  Then if it does take 2-3 years, we will be more than ready for that sweet little baby.  Or, if it takes 1-2 months, it will be perfect!  

Who knows?  Maybe we will be pregnant in the next few months.  

Heavenly Father's time table is perfect.  

"God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has.  But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream.  In short, He can't if you don't believe."

 - Jeffrey R. Holland

Made For Me!

This could quite possibly be my new favorite movie.  It could become my "Runaway Bride."

"What To Expect When You're Expecting"

Kyhle and I saw it in theaters, and, of course, I immediately fell in love with it.  I checked online for when it would be released on Blu ray/DVD and I have literally been counting down ever since.  For the last week, I kept saying to Kyhle, "Three days!  Two days!  Tomorrow!"  As soon as I got off work yesterday, I went to Target and bought myself a treat. 

I enjoyed watching it tonight, probably more than I did in the theater.  I loved being curled up on my couch, underneath my soft blanket, able to cry as much, (and as loud) as I wanted. Kyhle came home from school halfway through the movie, so he finished it with me.  He walked back in to the room during one of the scenes, and I looked up at him with tears streaming down my face.   I feel like this movie was made just for me.  I love it! 

Enjoy this trailer! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdNxmNGJ364

Now if only I were expecting...

(I'm not.)

The Heart's Greatest Desire

Five days late. 

Then I wake up this morning, and what do ya know? There she is. 

I texted my mom and my sisters because they were all waiting to find out if I would be pregnant or if I was just really late.  

"I'm sorry about your period.  Another delay of your heart's greatest desire.  Hope is one thing there always is." -Mom

Of course I was crazy bummed this morning, and wanted nothing but to stay in bed all day and be sad.  But, off to work I went.  While driving to work, I had severe cramps, causing me to hold my stomach and take long, deep breaths.  I figured they would just go away in a couple of minutes, and it would just be a crummy first day with cramps, bloating, and mood swings.  Wrong!  My cramps and pains continued throughout the morning at work, but different than I've felt before.  They were also accompanied with horrible lower back pain, headaches, dizziness and nausea.  (TMI alert!!) Everything felt different to me this morning, and I had a feeling something was up.  

I ended up leaving work early, and calling my fertility doctor to talk to them about my symptoms.  The nurse had me come in to take a blood test, wondering if I was having a miscarriage.  

Miscarriage?  

So not only is it taking me 2 years to get pregnant, but when I do (or at least we think I did) get pregnant, my body won't carry it? I'm not liking the way this is going...

I went home after the doctor, changed in to my PJs, curled up on the couch, and just cried.  For a while.  I didn't really know what to think.  All I want is a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  

A few hours later, my nurse called with the test results...

Chemical Pregnancy

What the heck is a chemical pregnancy!? 

They say it is indeed conception, just a very early miscarriage, at 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, they don't do anything for a CP, and they are quite common.  She said most women don't even know they've had one, because they often happen before a positive pregnancy test, which was my case.  I was just able to find out that's what happened because I pay such close attention to my cycles and symptoms.  

I am grateful I didn't have a positive pregnancy test, because it would have given me time to get my hopes up and be so excited.  But, it's still hard.  Still a bummer.  Still sad.  Still frustrating.  Still a failed pregnancy.  

I have taken the day off tomorrow to take it easy, get some rest, and have time to myself. I'm grateful for all the love you all have shown us through phone calls, emails, texts, Facebook, etc.  It means the world to both Kyhle and myself.  We'll be okay.  It'll take time to not be sad anymore, but we'll be okay.  I definitely love my husband.  

Keep trying! ;)

Someone

It seems as though everyone is pregnant these days.  

Yes, everyone. 

Or is it just that I notice it so much more now that I want it so badly?  

Nope.

Everyone is pregnant.  

As I am typing this, a family member is in the hospital ready to have her sweet baby boy.  Right now! 

I told you...

Everyone.

Here's the thing though-- I'm so incredibly happy for each one of you lucky ladies.  Sincerely!  What a fun, exciting, challenging time in your lives.  I am jealous of you, but I am grateful each of you get your cuddle bugs.  How awesome! 

I want to hear all about your journey through pregnancy, your funny stories, your worries, your fears.  I want to hear all about it.  You obviously have each taken time out of your busy lives to read about our journey, so I would love to hear about yours.  Please don't leave me out just because you are worried I can't hear about it.  But, please be sensitive, as well.  Not everyone knows your story, and when they do, most of them can't really relate.  But that doesn't mean we can't be there for one another.  It doesn't mean we can't support each other, and just give a listening ear.  

A friend of mine just found out she and her boyfriend are expecting their first child together. They have been together for years, just have never gotten married.  She wasn't sure she ever wanted kids and she is crazy scared and still feeling un-easy about all of this, as she was really wanting to be married before they started a family.  She was putting off taking a pregnancy test because she didn't want to find out.  She broke down to me one day about all of this, and kept telling me it wasn't a happy time, it wasn't joyous.  

Yes, it was difficult for me to listen to her and be there for her.  But I did it.  Later that night, she sent me a text saying she got her positive test and told her boyfriend.  He was more excited about it than she was (at that point), but she was still in shock.  She then thanked me for being there for her and letting her vent.  

Sometimes that's just what we need.  

Someone to listen.  Someone to be sensitive to our feelings.  Someone to support us.  Someone to encourage us.  Someone to tell us, "It'll all be okay."

You Know!

I sure have been slackin' since my last post.  Obviously not much news on the baby front.  I still feel the same.  

Anxious to get that positive pregnancy test.  Anxious to announce to all of my family and friends that we are having a baby.  Anxious to to have morning sickness (actually, looking forward to it!).  Anxious to pee all the time.  Anxious to get fat, and have an excuse!  

Anxious.  

Tonight I received a text from my sister, Laura...

Laura: "Hope you guys have enjoyed your Anniversary!  Did you find out one way or the other yet?"  

 Me: "Find out what?"

Laura: "You know!" 

Me:  "Don't worry.  I'll keep you posted!" 

I guess she's anxious, too! :)

Happy 2nd Anniversary to my sweetheart.  I love you, Kyhle!  Someday, you will make the best daddy any kid could ask for!  

I promise!