Time Table

The dreaded four month mark.  

It has arrived.  This is the point we were hoping and praying wouldn't come.  Granted, I am still 1 week away from the exact mark, but still.  Just sayin'.  

Here's a little recap...

After my surgery and discovering the endometriosis, my doctor was expecting we would successfully get pregnant within 2-4 months.  If we are not by the the four months, then we "most likely will not be able to conceive on our own."  

Yes, we are definitely going to keep trying, and do what we can to get pregnant, but we have decided to start planning and preparing for the adoption process.  

Adoption!  

We just really started this weekend, but Kyhle and I have been doing a lot of research and reading about the whole process.  The steps, the price, the challenges, the home inspections.  We are not going to be able to start the paperwork right away, but we are getting ready and doing the things needed to be able to get approved.  

Kyhle and I are excited about this blessing in our lives.  Last night, we were reading profiles of all of the couples in the 20-25 age range trying to adopt through LDS Family Services.  I really loved reading the success stories, and the stories of why they chose to adopt. We answered the questions to see if we would qualify, and were happy to see that indeed we do!  

As of right now, the plan is for Kyhle to take the LSAT over Christmas break.  Then he will start applying to law school as soon as he gets his scores.  Hopefully we will know by next summer where we are going to "end up."  We will then start the full process of applications and paperwork.  He will graduate from IUPUI in December of 2013.  We feel like it would be best to continue saving over the next 6-9 months, and then start the paperwork, the summer before he graduates and we head to grad school.  

My fear is that it could take 2-3 years to even be chosen by a birth mother.  That is why I really want to start the process now.  But I know it is the best decision to continue saving and working toward that goal.  Then if it does take 2-3 years, we will be more than ready for that sweet little baby.  Or, if it takes 1-2 months, it will be perfect!  

Who knows?  Maybe we will be pregnant in the next few months.  

Heavenly Father's time table is perfect.  

"God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has.  But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream.  In short, He can't if you don't believe."

 - Jeffrey R. Holland

Made For Me!

This could quite possibly be my new favorite movie.  It could become my "Runaway Bride."

"What To Expect When You're Expecting"

Kyhle and I saw it in theaters, and, of course, I immediately fell in love with it.  I checked online for when it would be released on Blu ray/DVD and I have literally been counting down ever since.  For the last week, I kept saying to Kyhle, "Three days!  Two days!  Tomorrow!"  As soon as I got off work yesterday, I went to Target and bought myself a treat. 

I enjoyed watching it tonight, probably more than I did in the theater.  I loved being curled up on my couch, underneath my soft blanket, able to cry as much, (and as loud) as I wanted. Kyhle came home from school halfway through the movie, so he finished it with me.  He walked back in to the room during one of the scenes, and I looked up at him with tears streaming down my face.   I feel like this movie was made just for me.  I love it! 

Enjoy this trailer! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdNxmNGJ364

Now if only I were expecting...

(I'm not.)

The Heart's Greatest Desire

Five days late. 

Then I wake up this morning, and what do ya know? There she is. 

I texted my mom and my sisters because they were all waiting to find out if I would be pregnant or if I was just really late.  

"I'm sorry about your period.  Another delay of your heart's greatest desire.  Hope is one thing there always is." -Mom

Of course I was crazy bummed this morning, and wanted nothing but to stay in bed all day and be sad.  But, off to work I went.  While driving to work, I had severe cramps, causing me to hold my stomach and take long, deep breaths.  I figured they would just go away in a couple of minutes, and it would just be a crummy first day with cramps, bloating, and mood swings.  Wrong!  My cramps and pains continued throughout the morning at work, but different than I've felt before.  They were also accompanied with horrible lower back pain, headaches, dizziness and nausea.  (TMI alert!!) Everything felt different to me this morning, and I had a feeling something was up.  

I ended up leaving work early, and calling my fertility doctor to talk to them about my symptoms.  The nurse had me come in to take a blood test, wondering if I was having a miscarriage.  

Miscarriage?  

So not only is it taking me 2 years to get pregnant, but when I do (or at least we think I did) get pregnant, my body won't carry it? I'm not liking the way this is going...

I went home after the doctor, changed in to my PJs, curled up on the couch, and just cried.  For a while.  I didn't really know what to think.  All I want is a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  

A few hours later, my nurse called with the test results...

Chemical Pregnancy

What the heck is a chemical pregnancy!? 

They say it is indeed conception, just a very early miscarriage, at 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, they don't do anything for a CP, and they are quite common.  She said most women don't even know they've had one, because they often happen before a positive pregnancy test, which was my case.  I was just able to find out that's what happened because I pay such close attention to my cycles and symptoms.  

I am grateful I didn't have a positive pregnancy test, because it would have given me time to get my hopes up and be so excited.  But, it's still hard.  Still a bummer.  Still sad.  Still frustrating.  Still a failed pregnancy.  

I have taken the day off tomorrow to take it easy, get some rest, and have time to myself. I'm grateful for all the love you all have shown us through phone calls, emails, texts, Facebook, etc.  It means the world to both Kyhle and myself.  We'll be okay.  It'll take time to not be sad anymore, but we'll be okay.  I definitely love my husband.  

Keep trying! ;)

Someone

It seems as though everyone is pregnant these days.  

Yes, everyone. 

Or is it just that I notice it so much more now that I want it so badly?  

Nope.

Everyone is pregnant.  

As I am typing this, a family member is in the hospital ready to have her sweet baby boy.  Right now! 

I told you...

Everyone.

Here's the thing though-- I'm so incredibly happy for each one of you lucky ladies.  Sincerely!  What a fun, exciting, challenging time in your lives.  I am jealous of you, but I am grateful each of you get your cuddle bugs.  How awesome! 

I want to hear all about your journey through pregnancy, your funny stories, your worries, your fears.  I want to hear all about it.  You obviously have each taken time out of your busy lives to read about our journey, so I would love to hear about yours.  Please don't leave me out just because you are worried I can't hear about it.  But, please be sensitive, as well.  Not everyone knows your story, and when they do, most of them can't really relate.  But that doesn't mean we can't be there for one another.  It doesn't mean we can't support each other, and just give a listening ear.  

A friend of mine just found out she and her boyfriend are expecting their first child together. They have been together for years, just have never gotten married.  She wasn't sure she ever wanted kids and she is crazy scared and still feeling un-easy about all of this, as she was really wanting to be married before they started a family.  She was putting off taking a pregnancy test because she didn't want to find out.  She broke down to me one day about all of this, and kept telling me it wasn't a happy time, it wasn't joyous.  

Yes, it was difficult for me to listen to her and be there for her.  But I did it.  Later that night, she sent me a text saying she got her positive test and told her boyfriend.  He was more excited about it than she was (at that point), but she was still in shock.  She then thanked me for being there for her and letting her vent.  

Sometimes that's just what we need.  

Someone to listen.  Someone to be sensitive to our feelings.  Someone to support us.  Someone to encourage us.  Someone to tell us, "It'll all be okay."

You Know!

I sure have been slackin' since my last post.  Obviously not much news on the baby front.  I still feel the same.  

Anxious to get that positive pregnancy test.  Anxious to announce to all of my family and friends that we are having a baby.  Anxious to to have morning sickness (actually, looking forward to it!).  Anxious to pee all the time.  Anxious to get fat, and have an excuse!  

Anxious.  

Tonight I received a text from my sister, Laura...

Laura: "Hope you guys have enjoyed your Anniversary!  Did you find out one way or the other yet?"  

 Me: "Find out what?"

Laura: "You know!" 

Me:  "Don't worry.  I'll keep you posted!" 

I guess she's anxious, too! :)

Happy 2nd Anniversary to my sweetheart.  I love you, Kyhle!  Someday, you will make the best daddy any kid could ask for!  

I promise!  

Enjoy!

I feel like I have been slackin' on my writing!  I think I feel like you all are now just waiting to find out when we will have "big news," and I just don't really have much to say right now.  

Except no big news.  As of this morning, a week early...

Depressing. 

I have totally been down-in-the-dumps today.  Kind of like, "Alright, that's one month down...now what?"  Keep trying!  That's what!  (And have fun during the process! :)) Today has also been rough because my cramps are back.  I didn't have them at all last month, so having them today is frustrating.  But, thankfully, they aren't what they used to be, so that's good.  

I had a nice long phone call with my brother about a week ago.  As I have said previously, he and his wife have 4 amazing children, all through the blessing of adoption.  Something he told me in that chat was that my sister-in-law, Jeri, says that while they were going through the whole process, she wishes she wouldn't have just focused on babies, babies, babies all the time.  She wishes she would have just kind of "accepted" the fact that they weren't getting pregnant right away, and enjoy their marriage more.  I can definitely see what she is saying, and completely agree.  Except that is much easier said than done.  I have really been trying lately to not just focus on it all the time, and really enjoy my Kyhle.  Plus, my job has been pretty stressful the last few weeks, so I'm okay that it didn't happen this month.  

But definitely hoping it's not too far away.

Looking back (almost) 2 years, yes, I think we were crazy for trying so soon to have a baby.  But with our second anniversary coming up, I am so grateful for the fabulous 2 years we have had together.  We have been so blessed to be able to do some travelling, exploring, and just enjoy dating each other.  That is so important in a marriage.  Especially those first couple of years.  

That's my goal. For the next few months, I am going to enjoy my husband.  Enjoy our time.  Enjoy our families. Enjoy the beautiful weather.  Enjoy our pups.  Enjoy our friendships.  Enjoy my marriage.  Enjoy upcoming celebrations.  

Enjoy life! 

High Hopes

Well I haven't updated you faithful readers in a while -- here it goes! 

We had my final post-op appointment last week with Dr. Carnovale.  The super cool part was watching the DVD of my surgery and seeing what my endometriosis actually looked like and exactly where it was at.  He kept saying, "This is your right ovary, this is your left ovary..."  "These are your fallopian tubes.."  Some areas of endometriosis were worse than others, as some of it was older, and some of it was just starting out.  He also told us that I had a cyst on one of my fallopian tubes, and they were able to get rid of that, as well. 

Good News!!

Dr. Carnovale told us that they were able to laser all of my endometriosis, and because of my young age and overall good health, he feels really good about our chances of getting pregnant within the 3-4 months.  He also said if we aren't pregnant by month 4, we probably won't be able to on our own.  Of course, that doesn't mean we will for sure never get pregnant, but the chances go way down after month 4.  But, he kept saying how good he felt about our situation, and he doesn't think we should have any problems.  If we aren't able to, then it is a fertilization issue, and that's when you have to do IVF.  

Obviously I felt so much better after that appointment, and much more relief.  But on the other hand, it is so incredibly hard to not get my hopes up.  I keep saying I'm hopeful, but not getting my hopes up.  Easier said than done.  It has also made everything much more real.  Kyhle and I made a new monthly budget a couple days after that appointment to start doing some better planning.  Yes, we have been trying for the past 21 months, but for some reason, the reality set in that this could actually happen and we better be ready!  

Like I've said many times, we go to Buy Buy Baby a lot (I love my husband!) and every time we go to Target or any other store that has a "baby section" I now not only look at what's cute, but also at the prices of everything!  I've been looking around online and comparing products and prices, and trying to plan what we would get if our dream does in fact come true.  We've also made a more serious list of possible baby names to really think about, which I've been doing since I was like 6 years old!

And I say I don't have my hopes up...