Enjoy!

I feel like I have been slackin' on my writing!  I think I feel like you all are now just waiting to find out when we will have "big news," and I just don't really have much to say right now.  

Except no big news.  As of this morning, a week early...

Depressing. 

I have totally been down-in-the-dumps today.  Kind of like, "Alright, that's one month down...now what?"  Keep trying!  That's what!  (And have fun during the process! :)) Today has also been rough because my cramps are back.  I didn't have them at all last month, so having them today is frustrating.  But, thankfully, they aren't what they used to be, so that's good.  

I had a nice long phone call with my brother about a week ago.  As I have said previously, he and his wife have 4 amazing children, all through the blessing of adoption.  Something he told me in that chat was that my sister-in-law, Jeri, says that while they were going through the whole process, she wishes she wouldn't have just focused on babies, babies, babies all the time.  She wishes she would have just kind of "accepted" the fact that they weren't getting pregnant right away, and enjoy their marriage more.  I can definitely see what she is saying, and completely agree.  Except that is much easier said than done.  I have really been trying lately to not just focus on it all the time, and really enjoy my Kyhle.  Plus, my job has been pretty stressful the last few weeks, so I'm okay that it didn't happen this month.  

But definitely hoping it's not too far away.

Looking back (almost) 2 years, yes, I think we were crazy for trying so soon to have a baby.  But with our second anniversary coming up, I am so grateful for the fabulous 2 years we have had together.  We have been so blessed to be able to do some travelling, exploring, and just enjoy dating each other.  That is so important in a marriage.  Especially those first couple of years.  

That's my goal. For the next few months, I am going to enjoy my husband.  Enjoy our time.  Enjoy our families. Enjoy the beautiful weather.  Enjoy our pups.  Enjoy our friendships.  Enjoy my marriage.  Enjoy upcoming celebrations.  

Enjoy life! 

High Hopes

Well I haven't updated you faithful readers in a while -- here it goes! 

We had my final post-op appointment last week with Dr. Carnovale.  The super cool part was watching the DVD of my surgery and seeing what my endometriosis actually looked like and exactly where it was at.  He kept saying, "This is your right ovary, this is your left ovary..."  "These are your fallopian tubes.."  Some areas of endometriosis were worse than others, as some of it was older, and some of it was just starting out.  He also told us that I had a cyst on one of my fallopian tubes, and they were able to get rid of that, as well. 

Good News!!

Dr. Carnovale told us that they were able to laser all of my endometriosis, and because of my young age and overall good health, he feels really good about our chances of getting pregnant within the 3-4 months.  He also said if we aren't pregnant by month 4, we probably won't be able to on our own.  Of course, that doesn't mean we will for sure never get pregnant, but the chances go way down after month 4.  But, he kept saying how good he felt about our situation, and he doesn't think we should have any problems.  If we aren't able to, then it is a fertilization issue, and that's when you have to do IVF.  

Obviously I felt so much better after that appointment, and much more relief.  But on the other hand, it is so incredibly hard to not get my hopes up.  I keep saying I'm hopeful, but not getting my hopes up.  Easier said than done.  It has also made everything much more real.  Kyhle and I made a new monthly budget a couple days after that appointment to start doing some better planning.  Yes, we have been trying for the past 21 months, but for some reason, the reality set in that this could actually happen and we better be ready!  

Like I've said many times, we go to Buy Buy Baby a lot (I love my husband!) and every time we go to Target or any other store that has a "baby section" I now not only look at what's cute, but also at the prices of everything!  I've been looking around online and comparing products and prices, and trying to plan what we would get if our dream does in fact come true.  We've also made a more serious list of possible baby names to really think about, which I've been doing since I was like 6 years old!

And I say I don't have my hopes up...

Stubborn

As Kyhle and I were starting a movie on Tuesday, we got a knock on our door at 8:30.  Kyhle opened it, and in walks my sister Laura cheerfully saying, "I'm here to clean!"  She brought a bag full of her own cleaning supplies and got right to work cleaning our bathroom and our kitchen.  She told me she had to surprise me or else I would have just kept telling her I was fine and didn't need her help. Ha!  I must have been wrong because she was here for 2 hours scrubbing away.  Each time I would get up to try to help her at all, she would say, "Sit down!  I need to have something to do!" To top that off, she brought us a yummy dinner on Wednesday night.  We were also delivered two delicious meals from my awesome Visiting Teachers, Carrie and Heather.  I know it is out of their way to come all the way down just to drop some food off, but we really do appreciate it! 

I am so grateful for such loving friends and family who have been there for us in so many different ways.  Whether it's through service, prayers, kind thoughts and messages, it means the world to us.  

Surgery was a success!  As most of you know, they did find Endometriosis, and they it's stage one, which is obviously the stage you'd want to have.  The doc said he was able to burn all of the scar tissue and clear everything out.  You'd think that would mean we could just go ahead and get pregnant now, but unfortunately it's not that easy.  Between the next 3-6 months, we have a 20-30% chance of conceiving.  After that, they recommend other options, such as IVF.  Kyhle and I will plan on giving it a year to continue on our own, and will go from there after that.  

My recovery has been rocky.  I was able to stay at my parent's house Thursday-Sunday and be well taken care of.  Monday was my first day alone at home, and it was fine.  I had my first post-op apt on Monday afternoon, and the nurse could tell I had already been doing too much since being on my own.  Yes, I had done 4 loads of laundry and cleaned the entire apartment.  Probably not a good idea.  I took it easy on Tuesday since Kyhle had the day off, and so I figured I felt good enough to return to work Wednesday, despite the doctor's advice. (The doc wanted me to wait 'til Friday, but said they'd give me a note if I really wanted to return sooner.)  I went to work for 6 hours on Wednesday, then asked my boss if I could go home because my incisions weren't feeling too good.  I ended up staying home today, and am hoping I can return tomorrow.  We'll see.  

Why do I have to find it so hard to just listen to the doctor.  I tell myself, "Oh, I'm just picking up one baby really fast.  I'm not picking up the 40 lb kid.  What can it hurt?"  A lot, actually.  That's why the doc tells me not to.  Well,  I got scolded by both my husband and my father.  I guess I shouldn't be so stubborn.  

Good Things to Come

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” 

- Jeffrey R. Holland

A few weeks ago in Relief Society, a friend of mine gave a beautiful lesson about trials and tribulations, and how to overcome them.  I felt like her lesson was meant just for me.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  Also during this lesson, I was holding a sweet little boy, 10 month old Marshall.  As I was swaying back and forth listening to Jeni's lesson, Marshall fell asleep on my lap and I just couldn't help but hold tight to him. 

A few days ago before my surgery, Jeni, the same friend who taught the Relief Society lesson, sent me a very thoughtful email.  She knew I was feeling nervous and scared about my surgery, and all of the unknown that came with it.  She attached a few different links in the email of video clips, songs, and talks from Conferences.   Again, it was exactly what I needed to watch/listen to/read.  

Thank you, dear Jeni, for being such a wonderful example and light in my life.  You are sincerely loved and greatly appreciated by many.  

Gotta Have Faith

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

 -- Unknown

When I scheduled my Laparoscopy, I felt like it was forever away (3 months ago.)  We now have just less than 3 weeks until surgery day, and I am feeling a little (okay, a lot) stressed out.  Stressed about taking unpaid time off work.  Stressed about the recovery process, wondering how long I will be down for.  Stressed about going under for surgery, and the feeling of waking up from the anesthesia.  Stressed about wondering whether or not they'll find the endometriosis.  Stressed about wondering whether or not we will get pregnant within 6 months. 

Getting pregnant is really out of my hands.  As I have said before, when Heavenly Father believes we are ready, He will bless us.  We have to have faith in His plan.  That is the most important element in this whole process.  Faith in His timing. 

Sometimes I find it best for me to just cry.  Whether they are happy or sad tears, it just feels good to get it out.  I love my job, and I love the blessing of being able to work with such fun, energetic, and loving children.  But sometimes when rocking one of our sweet babies,  I find myself wiping some tears, wishing it were my cuddly baby in my arms.  But for the time being, I am grateful to be able to rock those little loves, and give them the love and attention I would give my own.  

 On a side note, Kyhle and I went to Target this morning.  Of course I had to walk around the baby section.  There is a baby swing that we've seen at a few stores, and as we were walking by it today, Kyhle stopped and pointed out how much he liked it.  I'm not rubbing off on him or anything.  :) 

Save! Don't Spend!

Having a baby is expensive.  Obviously.  Well, for us, and others like us, so is trying to have said baby.  

Unfortunately, almost all insurance companies do not cover treatments for infertility.  Many of them also don't even cover testing to find if you have any "problems."  I don't think I will ever be able to understand why.  

So frustrating.  

When we got married, I wanted to start saving right away to someday be able to start our family.  Because of insurance companies not covering our testing and treatments, we have sadly had to spend, and are having to spend, most of that money to cover everything.  We are currently battling with our insurance over some of these bills, and I just want to bang my phone against the wall and scream at the person I am speaking with.  Kyhle does most of the battling, so I know he feels the same frustration as I do.  

We have been given a tough situation with my laparoscopy surgery.  You never think you would say that you hope they find something wrong.  But right now, we are strongly hoping.  If the doctor finds that I do have endometriosis, insurance will cover the surgery.  Awesome!!

If they find nothing wrong, we have to pay for everything.  

Because of all of these new, unexpected expenses, I am working on planning a new monthly budget for us.  We have learned the hard way about what happens if you spend and don't save.  We love to spend, spend, spend!  Obviously, our biggest problem is that we love to go out to eat.  Who doesn't?  We used to grocery shop at Wal-Mart and Kroger, but lately, we have gotten lazy and started to do all of our shopping at Marsh.  I come home from the store with just a few things in my bags, and I have spent $60!  That just can't happen anymore.  My mom and sister have been telling me so much lately that I need to get a hobby.  

Couponing!

I have become very interested in all of the hype that comes with couponing.  The past few days, I am always searching online for coupon sites, blogs, and finding deals.  Last night, I signed up for the Sunday and Thursday Indianapolis Star with all of the coupons.  I don't want to do the extreme and make it a full-time job, but if I can save $10-$20 each shopping trip, I'm all for it!  We have also decided to start a new goal of only having date night once a month.  We will still do "dates", but we are only going to go out to eat once a month.  How much money that will save us!  

I am excited for this new hobby.  I have so many wonderful friends who are willing to show me the ropes and teach me their tricks.  I am most excited to start saving more money!  We have opened a separate savings account to have money direct deposited specifically for this baby journey.  We will use it to help pay the medical bills, and hopefully sooner rather than later, be able to use it to buy baby products!  

Again, thank you for all of your support and love.  We are so grateful for each and every one of you! 

Insensitive

First off, I want to say thank you to all of you for the wonderful amount of love and support you have all shown us.  We are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends in our lives.  If it weren't for all of you, we would not be able to make it through this battle. 

Thank you, and we love you!

I was debating if I wanted to start this blog or not, wondering what people would think about me putting all of our "business" out there for everyone to read.  After I posted, I was pleasantly surprised by how many women privately messaged me to let me know that they, too, have been through this roller coaster of infertility.  I was hoping that by starting this blog, it would help women who were more private about their journey feel comfortable talking to me about it, and that is just what happened.  On the flip side of that, some people were against me writing such personal struggles on here for everyone to read.  To them, I say if I can touch the life of just one woman going through this battle, it is all worth it to me.  This blog is meant more to be a journal for me to express my emotions through this journey.  My happy, my sad, my crazy, my depressing, my joyous days...it's mine.  

My job is insane!  We have currently have 13 kiddos ages 12 weeks-5 years.  We don't have all 13 everyday, but we usually average about 8-10 of them a day.  Lately, my co-workers have been making comments saying, "These kids make me not want my own!!!"  Okay, I know I am not a mom, and I don't fully understand what it's like to have that crazy in my home 24/7, but I don't care.  I would take the loudest, most hyper, energetic child if that meant I could have a child of my own.  The day I had my appointment with my fertility specialist was an especially hectic day at work.  The kids were having a hard time listening and getting along with each other.  On my way out, a co-worker said, "Are you sure you still want kids? You may hope they find something wrong!"  Are you kidding me?  Do you realize that is probably the dumbest question anyone has ever asked me?! Nice timing, too. I understand she was just venting about the craziness of the day, but how insensitive can you get?