Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I guess we will just keep waiting.  I don't know what I was really expecting to happen this time around, or why I thought it would be any different.  The test first thing this morning was negative, and then an hour later, I got confirmation.  I called the nurse to let her know and her response was, "Well we will have you rest this month to give your ovaries a break, but I just want to let you know that so many of our couples get pregnant on their rest month."  She then proceeded to say, "I don't know you very well, but if I were you, I would party and have fun on New Year's Eve, because that's when so many people get pregnant!"  Really?  Like I get she was trying to be fun and upbeat, but it really wasn't helping.  I went ahead and ordered the medicine again for another round of IUI, because I wanted to order it before the year is over so it can go under this insurance with the deductible.  However, I'm not sure if we will try an IUI again.  It is such a challenging month on all the injections, and having the appointments at the spur of the moment, and it takes such an emotional and physical toll on both of us.  We got so excited this month, and felt so happy and good about everything.  Why would we want to feel that again just to be let down...again? 

I just feel so lost at this point.  I'm not sure what I want to do, other than go on a beach vacation and get away from it all.  I am grateful that it came today instead of coming late, so that I didn't have that hope still in the back of my mind, and I am able to let family and friends know so they don't think I will be announcing anything on Christmas.  Maybe I am just meant to be "Aunt Becky" and let go of everything else.  We really don't have any other options, unless some miracle happens and we come up with $10,000 for IVF/adoption.  I have to continue to have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us when it's the right time, but it is so hard not to get angry and hurt every month when it isn't happening and we are doing everything we can.   

Perfect Timing

I can't believe it has already been a month since my last post and we are now ready for IUI #3!  It has been a rough, emotional couple of weeks since I started my injections, and Kyhle and I are incredibly grateful that those have come to and end (for now).  Kyhle didn't hesitate to tell me if I was being a bit cranky and crazy. Since my dosage was doubled, I struggled with some horrible headaches, hot flashes, and mood swings.  My mom said to me one night, "Now you will have more sympathy for women who have gone through menopause!"  

Though it has been a challenging couple of weeks, I am very happy that I have responded very well to the higher dosage of injections, and the doctor is very pleased with my progress so far.  I've had 4 ultrasounds in the last 2 weeks, and each scan showed great progression, with multiple, larger follicles.  The ideal size for a follicle is anywhere between 18-25 mm.  You also hope you can end up with 2-3 follicles for the procedure.  Our last two IUIs, I ended up with only 1, as I had follicles disappear right before.  In my first scan, I had five  good looking follicles, and in my last scan on Thursday, I had seven!  I was so excited!  Now, this doesn't mean all seven will fertilize.  As I said, they need to be 18-25 mm, and not all seven were that large.  However, we are expecting 2-3 to be of the right size, which is just what we want to see!  

Kyhle and I will go in for the procedure tomorrow morning at 7:30.  I am nervous, yet this is the calmest I have felt in our whole journey.  I feel ready.  I feel prepared.  I feel like everything has lined up perfectly this time around.  I have responded so well to the injections, I was able to get tomorrow morning off without any stress involved and worrying about getting back in time, and Kyhle just happens to be on vacation this next week, so he won't have to worry about his schedule tomorrow, and he will be able to actually go to my appointment with me.  He was unable to go to the first two IUIs, and I know I will feel much more at peace having him by my side.  Another thing that seems perfect and like a dream come true, is that we will find out if it works or not right at Christmas time.  My whole family is coming home for Christmas this year, so we will all be together.  I understand that could go really well, or horribly wrong.  

Kyhle and I, along with some family and friends fasted today.  In my prayer this morning, I asked Heavenly Father for acceptance and understanding if this procedure doesn't work.  I know we both have our hopes up since everything has worked out so well to this point, and I know we will be crushed if it doesn't work, but I also know that just because timing seems perfect and feels right to us, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's perfect to Heavenly Father. 

 

I am still keeping the faith and staying hopeful. :)

Third Time's A Charm

 I am so grateful we made the decision to see a new specialist now instead of waiting until December.  I wish we had gone to him for a second opinion much sooner!  I was so pleased with Dr. Gentry at Advanced Fertility Group.  He is such a nice, welcoming, warm, loving doctor.  I have never met a doctor like him before.  The moment he walked into my room, he said, "Hi, Friend!"  He then pulled his chair next to mine, sat down, pat my leg and cheerfully said, "How ya doin'?"  What a sweet man. 

He had so much to tell me and I loved his positive attitude!  We talked about my history with my previous specialist and all of the procedures and medicines we tried.  Without hesitation, he told me that it definitely sounds like my eggs are the issue, meaning my eggs are "older" than 24.  He recommended doing the IUI again, but being more aggressive with the gonal-F shots, doubling the dose to increase the chance of developing multiple follicles.  He informed me that one of the reasons I lost a follicle with both of my previous IUIs was probably because they had me on the minimum dose of gonal-F.  He did say to me, "Now, I just have to warn you that if I double your dosage, that will put you at a higher risk for multiples.  Are you and your husband okay with that?"  My response was, "At this point I will gladly take as many babies at one time as I can get!" :) But in all seriousness, the idea of twins/triplets is a little scary and intimidating, but that's 2 (or 3) for the price of one, and only one pregnancy.  

The nurse talked to me all about the procedure and went over the tests with me.  Just like last time, I will have to go to their office every couple of days to get ultrasounds to check for cysts, and make sure I am developing the follicles.  I will then go every other day during the second week until the follicles are at the right size for insemination.  I will be giving myself shots in stomach again, but this time it'll be with a syringe instead of a pen.  I'm a tad more nervous for that since I haven't done the syringe shots before.  I also found out some interesting news, which could be a possible reason why our IUIs didn't work before.  

I got the script for all of the medicines I will be taking, and took it to CVS so I could get it all ordered within the next week.  When they told me the cost, they said after insurance I would be paying about $300!  I was in shock because I remembered I didn't pay much at all last time we did this.  I then told them that I was going to check another pharmacy and see if I could get it cheaper.  I called the pharmacy based in Maryland and asked if I could get my meds from them again even though it's through a different doctor.  Yes!  Long story short, I am getting all of my medications totaling $2500 for FREE!  Yep...I won't have to pay a single penny for any of it.  Oh, happy day! What a huge blessing.  

So that's the plan, my friends.  My medications will arrive next Tuesday, and then we will begin IUI process #3 the last week of November.  We are both incredibly excited and nervous about this next step, and are trying so hard to not get our hopes up, especially since we will be finding out if it works or not right before Christmas.  Now wouldn't that be the best Christmas gift?  

I have to try to stay focused and remember that it will happen for us if the Lord is ready to bless us with children.  My patience has never been tested more than it has over the last year, since our first IUI.  I am so grateful for the friendships I have made through this struggle, and the sisterhood I now have with other women fighting this same fight.  We are all in it together, and I pray for them as much as we pray for our future children.  I am grateful that Kyhle and I have become closer as husband and wife, and that we have learned many new things about each other through this process.  It's not over yet, but I have never felt the comfort that I have been feeling today.  I know that staying positive, hopeful, and faithful is what we need to do, and I am grateful that we have amazing family and friends to help us along the way.  

Thoughts

I always thought that I would be married with 1 or 2 kids by the time I was 25 years old.  I always knew I would get married young, and start my family young.  It's all I ever wanted. This post has great potential to sound like a jumbled mess, going all over the place,  probably because that's how I feel.  So fair warning :)

The past 2 weeks have been some of my toughest so far.  Last Monday started a crazy, emotional roller coaster that has yet to stop jerking around and flipping me upside down.  A couple of weekends ago, after much conversation, Kyhle and I decided to call LDS Family Services and find out more information on their adoption program, and set an appointment to meet with a social worker.  We wanted to get as much detailed information as possible, and get a specific price in our head for what we should save for.  When Monday rolled around, I went ahead and made the call to set up an appointment.  I ended up speaking with their adoption manager and he gave me some troubling news.  

"Well, Rebecca, our program has changed a lot over the last couple of years.  We no longer do home studies in Indiana, so you need to use a separate agency to get that done.  Once your home study is completed through them, you can then come back to us, and we can set up your profile.  However, we are strongly encouraging our couples to use other agencies for adoption, as their are hundreds of LDS couples trying to adopt through us, and just not enough birth mothers choosing adoptions.  You can put your profile on our website for no cost, but I would recommend using a different agency, as it could take years to be placed with a child if you just use our services."

I felt my heart sink in my chest, and tears just started falling down my face.   That meant that using another agency would cost us between $15,000-$30,000.  Where in the world would we get that kind of money?  It would be years before we ever see that kind of extra money, if we even ever do.  I immediately told myself that I needed to start searching for a part-time job to put that money aside for a future baby.  

I put everything down, closed my eyes, and poured my heart out in a tearful prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me know what to do.  I needed His guidance to know if this was something we should pursue, or if we should take another course.  I felt like because we aren't even close to having money like that, it was His way of telling me "not right now."  

I found a perfect opportunity for an evening nanny two nights a week that was going to pay very well.  I emailed the lady my info, and 30 minutes later, I had a call from her wanting to set up an interview!  I felt like my prayer was immediately answered, and Heavenly Father was presenting me a way to make this work.  I had an interview with the lady on Wednesday night, and Kyhle and I were feeling great!  She was really impressed with me and felt like I would be perfect for what their family needed.  She offered me the position! I told her Kyhle and I needed to discuss some of the details more, and I would get back to her that weekend.  

Saturday, I had to decline the nanny job.  Unfortunately, she was requiring a lot out of me, which was okay, except there wasn't enough compensation to go along with the work.  Her profile was giving a pay rate for a week, and I was only going to be doing 2 days.  It wasn't enough to make it worth it, and I would probably end up losing money in the long run, because I would have had to cut my hours at the daycare.  

So there we were, back at square one, not knowing what to do, and feeling pretty low.  I had to do something else.  I decided I had to do everything possible to find out what our next step could be, and if we had any other options.  I was going to go see a new specialist in January if we weren't pregnant yet, but I decided I didn't want to wait any longer.  I went ahead and set up an appointment with a different fertility specialist to try and get a second opinion.  I liked my last doctor, and I know he's good at what he does, but I just need to see for myself if there is anything else we can do that we haven't tried yet.  I have an appointment to see him next Tuesday morning.  I'm sure I'll have another long post for you after that.  I have a friend who went to this new guy, Dr. Gentry, and she and her husband ended up doing IVF through him and got pregnant on their first round.  They now have a healthy, beautiful girl!  I do know that his office offers a 20% discount on IVF if you pay with cash or check.  I guess that's a perk.  

Okay, I warned you...this is a long post.  I am very impressed and quite surprised if you are still with me. But if you are, thank you!  It means a lot.  I'm not quite done, though. 

I really do try to stay positive and think of all the good that is happening for us in our lives and our marriage.  But sometimes, I just don't want to stay positive. It has been a really rough 2 weeks, and I am just waiting for it to get better, wondering if it will.  

As I was looking through Halloween pictures on Facebook last night, I saw so many cute, creative costumes for little ones, and saw how much fun those families were having with their kids trick-or-treating.  I wish I had stopped scrolling through photos, as I saw a costume that just broke my heart.  A friend of a friend...she's a pregnant 16 year old LDS girl.  She homemade her costume this year.  She wore black sweats with skeleton bones sewn on.  The best part--the skeleton baby on her belly.  She went trick-or-treating like that.  In that moment, I was so angry and hurt.  It only reminded me of what the adoption manager told me.  There aren't enough babies for all of these worthy, married couples, because birth mothers are no longer choosing adoption.  

Kyhle and I went to the temple on Saturday with my best friend, Joanna, and her husband, Austin.  It was a great afternoon!  I was so ready to go there and feel the spirit.  I needed that calm, peaceful feeling.  I needed to be there where I could feel Heavenly Father's presence and feel His love for me.  I needed to talk to Him.  We have set a goal to go once a month, as we have no excuse not to.  I feel like I need to go back tomorrow.  

Thank you for reading.  As I said, it means a lot to me.   I know that it probably gets really old reading about our baby struggles all of the time. For those of you who listening to me talk about it all the time, I am sure you wish I would talk about something else. It is quite consuming.  People can tell us to not think about it, and that we are so young, to just not stress about it.  I will never be able to stop thinking about my future children, and wondering when they will be sent down to join us.  

Plans Change

I want to be a mom more than anything.  Ever since I was a young girl, that is seriously all I dreamed of.  That, and being a red carpet host at the Oscars. ;)  I'm not quite sure why, but I really thought September was going to be our month.  We really hadn't been thinking about baby for the last 5 months, and it was our first month back into the process.  I was super positive, cheerful, and couldn't stop thinking about maybe being able to make a Christmas announcement.  

Unfortunately, that was not the case.  It wast just like the other 37 months--negative.  Remember how much I hate that word?  I probably have never hated anything more, other than infertility itself.  We have no choice but to pick ourselves up, and try again.  However, my biggest question of all, is how much longer are we going to have to try again?  How many more months, how many more years are we going to struggle with this battle?  I'm ready!  

But that's not the plan, is it?  Heavenly Father has a different plan in mind for Kyhle and me, and we cannot question His plan, however much we may want to.  No, we cannot question His plan, but we can try other options to see if maybe that is what He has in mind for us.  Right?  I have been reading adoption profiles and blogs all week of couples from the church looking to expand their families.  How do you not compare yourself to them?  How do you not wonder which couple would be better?  How do you not wonder which couple would get picked and placed?  

I did some research on the church adoption website called itsaboutlove.org.  Ready for some statistics? 

The total amount of couples with published profiles: 672

Couples in Indiana: 2

Couples in Utah: 328

Couples in the 20-25 age range: 22

Couples in the 25-30 age range: 198

Couples without children: 236

Couples with a dog: 313

I know I have said this before, but it can take 8-12 months just to get your paperwork finished and get approved to be on the list.  After approval, it could be 1 week, 1 year, 5 years...no one knows when you'll get placed with a baby.  Just because you get chosen by a birth mother, doesn't mean you'll end up getting placed.  That's a sad lesson I have been reading a lot about.  I have found many couples who have shared their stories of getting chosen, but then the birth mother changes her mind at the last minute and keeps the baby.  I found a few couples that experienced that heartache multiple times.  What an awful thing to go through!  I cannot imagine being at the hospital with our new baby, holding them, loving them, naming them, and then...nothing.  

A friend of mine asked me, "If you start the adoption process, do you feel like you would be giving up trying for your own baby?"  My answer? No, I feel like that is us moving forward with the process of expanding our family and bringing a child into our home.  I will never stop trying to get pregnant.  However, I would like to be pro-active and find a way to become a mom, whichever way Heavenly Father has planned for us.  

Keep Trying

I cannot believe it has been almost 6 months since our last failed IUI. After that happened for the second time, I felt like I just needed some time off.  I needed to turn my attention to something else other than baby.  We took some much needed time off, and I think that was just the right thing to do. We had such a busy, eventful summer, and it was so nice to not have fertility on my mind the whole time.  Obviously I would think of it every so often, but not as much as I would before.  

I have had a couple of friends come to me over the last few months and share with me their struggles with trying to have or expand their families, and I have thoroughly loved talking to them, and being there to support them through this difficult trial.  It has really helped me become stronger, and has taken my mind off my own struggle.  I was telling one of my friends that infertility really is like a sisterhood.  No one can understand it until they have been through it.  Family and friends are so supportive and are there for you when they can be, and are great listeners, but they really just can't understand the whole situation.  When I learn of a new woman who is fighting this battle, I feel an instant connection with her, and feel like I can't talk to her about everything and she will understand.  She understands what it is like to feel the mixed emotions of being happy for pregnant friends, but feeling so sad and confused at the same time.  She understands what it is like to have a happy face when attending baby showers, baby blessings, visiting friends and family in the hospital, and then crying when she walks through the door coming home.  

I keep getting a strong feeling to not give up.  Something keeps telling me that it will happen.  We will get pregnant, and we will have a baby.  The problem, though, is that I'm not quite sure if it's my stubbornness and selfishness telling me that, or something completely different.  I have talked about adoption many times on here, but I keep feeling that if adoption were the answer for us, we would have started that journey by now.  I'm not sure if it's because I can't let go of the idea of being pregnant, or if it's because I really do feel that it'll happen...eventually.  I'm not saying I know it'll happen soon, or even within the next year, but I just know it will happen.  I have prayed and prayed, read my Patriarchal blessing over and over, and just in the last month, have been feeling strongly that that is my answer-- keep trying.  It is not time to move on to other options.  I am not saying that time won't come, but it's not right now.  Yes I am selfish and stubborn, and want to have my own baby through pregnancy, but I know the spirit is telling me to keep trying, and to not give up.  So much has happened for us in the last 3 years, with so much more still to come.  

I love this quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.  I am sure I have shared it before, but it is a great reminder to those of us who are fighting any battle.  

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” 

On a side note, I am a huge fan of The Bachelor.  If any of you feel the same, (I know many do,) then you remember Sean Lowe.  His sister, Shay, is a blogger, and I stumbled across her blog a few weeks ago.  I read her blog about infertility last night.  Such a positive post, and confirmed my feelings, as well.  If you have a couple of minutes, read her post! 

http://shullfamily.blogspot.com/2013/02/infertility.html

New Woman

I decided to start writing in a personal journal more lately instead of blogging.  I feel like I have said everything on here that there is to say, and nothing has changed.  In my journal, I feel like I have more freedom to say my true feelings than on the blog.  I obviously try to watch some of the things I say on here to make sure I don't hurt or offend anyone.  It feels good to let it all out with pen and paper, and be able to write exactly what is on my mind.  For now, I thought I would go ahead and let you all know what life has been like over the last three and a half weeks since surgery.  

I'll start off by saying getting a breast reduction was one of the best decisions I have ever made!  It has been a crazy few weeks with a lot of ups and downs, but I don't regret any of it.  I had a hard time staying in bed like the doctor asked, so I was at the hospital when my niece was born, visited friends and family, went out to lunch, played putt-putt, and cleaned the apartment before getting the doc's approval.  People kept warning me that I needed to take it easy and stay in bed resting more.  I guess I should have listened!  At my three week check up this past Thursday, Dr. Kelly told me I needed to get another surgery.  My right side wasn't healing correctly, and we needed to do a skin graft and new stitches.  I just about broke down into tears as she was telling me everything.  I knew there was a chance I would have to get new stitches, but a whole other surgery?  Then on top of that, she told me I was getting surgery the next day!  

Friday afternoon, I went to her office and filled out piles of paperwork in preparation for surgery.  I was taken back at 2 o'clock and underwent a 2 hour surgery, where they did a skin graft from my stomach and repaired my right side.  She summed it up as a mini tummy tuck.  That's alright with me!  I woke up from anesthesia, drank my Sprite and ate my crackers.  As soon as they released me, we went straight to my sister's house for her birthday dinner.  Yes, I would say that was a crazy idea, but I really didn't want to miss her birthday, and really wanted to see Eli and baby Clara.  

For the next few days, I will be taking it as easy as possible, and really listen to my doctor this time around. I will be off work at least until Wednesday, and then see how I feel about going back.  I went ahead and took the whole week off just in case.  I am in quite a bit of pain in my stomach area, where there is about a 6-7 inch incision, like a C-Section scar.  I am so ready for this all to be over with and to feel completely normal again.  Sadly, she told me it will be 6-8 weeks before I feel "normal."  

On the bright side, I have been loving the way my clothes fit me now, and I am really looking forward to going shopping for some fun, new clothes as soon as I feel like I am ready to wear them!  I am down about 10 lbs so far, and am ready to get to the gym as soon as I get approval.  I am so grateful for all of the women in my ward who so graciously brought us meals for 2 weeks.  I loved receiving cards and letters in the mail from friends and family, and am so grateful for all of the love and support we have received from everyone.  It's fun to feel like a new woman!