Thoughts

I always thought that I would be married with 1 or 2 kids by the time I was 25 years old.  I always knew I would get married young, and start my family young.  It's all I ever wanted. This post has great potential to sound like a jumbled mess, going all over the place,  probably because that's how I feel.  So fair warning :)

The past 2 weeks have been some of my toughest so far.  Last Monday started a crazy, emotional roller coaster that has yet to stop jerking around and flipping me upside down.  A couple of weekends ago, after much conversation, Kyhle and I decided to call LDS Family Services and find out more information on their adoption program, and set an appointment to meet with a social worker.  We wanted to get as much detailed information as possible, and get a specific price in our head for what we should save for.  When Monday rolled around, I went ahead and made the call to set up an appointment.  I ended up speaking with their adoption manager and he gave me some troubling news.  

"Well, Rebecca, our program has changed a lot over the last couple of years.  We no longer do home studies in Indiana, so you need to use a separate agency to get that done.  Once your home study is completed through them, you can then come back to us, and we can set up your profile.  However, we are strongly encouraging our couples to use other agencies for adoption, as their are hundreds of LDS couples trying to adopt through us, and just not enough birth mothers choosing adoptions.  You can put your profile on our website for no cost, but I would recommend using a different agency, as it could take years to be placed with a child if you just use our services."

I felt my heart sink in my chest, and tears just started falling down my face.   That meant that using another agency would cost us between $15,000-$30,000.  Where in the world would we get that kind of money?  It would be years before we ever see that kind of extra money, if we even ever do.  I immediately told myself that I needed to start searching for a part-time job to put that money aside for a future baby.  

I put everything down, closed my eyes, and poured my heart out in a tearful prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me know what to do.  I needed His guidance to know if this was something we should pursue, or if we should take another course.  I felt like because we aren't even close to having money like that, it was His way of telling me "not right now."  

I found a perfect opportunity for an evening nanny two nights a week that was going to pay very well.  I emailed the lady my info, and 30 minutes later, I had a call from her wanting to set up an interview!  I felt like my prayer was immediately answered, and Heavenly Father was presenting me a way to make this work.  I had an interview with the lady on Wednesday night, and Kyhle and I were feeling great!  She was really impressed with me and felt like I would be perfect for what their family needed.  She offered me the position! I told her Kyhle and I needed to discuss some of the details more, and I would get back to her that weekend.  

Saturday, I had to decline the nanny job.  Unfortunately, she was requiring a lot out of me, which was okay, except there wasn't enough compensation to go along with the work.  Her profile was giving a pay rate for a week, and I was only going to be doing 2 days.  It wasn't enough to make it worth it, and I would probably end up losing money in the long run, because I would have had to cut my hours at the daycare.  

So there we were, back at square one, not knowing what to do, and feeling pretty low.  I had to do something else.  I decided I had to do everything possible to find out what our next step could be, and if we had any other options.  I was going to go see a new specialist in January if we weren't pregnant yet, but I decided I didn't want to wait any longer.  I went ahead and set up an appointment with a different fertility specialist to try and get a second opinion.  I liked my last doctor, and I know he's good at what he does, but I just need to see for myself if there is anything else we can do that we haven't tried yet.  I have an appointment to see him next Tuesday morning.  I'm sure I'll have another long post for you after that.  I have a friend who went to this new guy, Dr. Gentry, and she and her husband ended up doing IVF through him and got pregnant on their first round.  They now have a healthy, beautiful girl!  I do know that his office offers a 20% discount on IVF if you pay with cash or check.  I guess that's a perk.  

Okay, I warned you...this is a long post.  I am very impressed and quite surprised if you are still with me. But if you are, thank you!  It means a lot.  I'm not quite done, though. 

I really do try to stay positive and think of all the good that is happening for us in our lives and our marriage.  But sometimes, I just don't want to stay positive. It has been a really rough 2 weeks, and I am just waiting for it to get better, wondering if it will.  

As I was looking through Halloween pictures on Facebook last night, I saw so many cute, creative costumes for little ones, and saw how much fun those families were having with their kids trick-or-treating.  I wish I had stopped scrolling through photos, as I saw a costume that just broke my heart.  A friend of a friend...she's a pregnant 16 year old LDS girl.  She homemade her costume this year.  She wore black sweats with skeleton bones sewn on.  The best part--the skeleton baby on her belly.  She went trick-or-treating like that.  In that moment, I was so angry and hurt.  It only reminded me of what the adoption manager told me.  There aren't enough babies for all of these worthy, married couples, because birth mothers are no longer choosing adoption.  

Kyhle and I went to the temple on Saturday with my best friend, Joanna, and her husband, Austin.  It was a great afternoon!  I was so ready to go there and feel the spirit.  I needed that calm, peaceful feeling.  I needed to be there where I could feel Heavenly Father's presence and feel His love for me.  I needed to talk to Him.  We have set a goal to go once a month, as we have no excuse not to.  I feel like I need to go back tomorrow.  

Thank you for reading.  As I said, it means a lot to me.   I know that it probably gets really old reading about our baby struggles all of the time. For those of you who listening to me talk about it all the time, I am sure you wish I would talk about something else. It is quite consuming.  People can tell us to not think about it, and that we are so young, to just not stress about it.  I will never be able to stop thinking about my future children, and wondering when they will be sent down to join us.  

Plans Change

I want to be a mom more than anything.  Ever since I was a young girl, that is seriously all I dreamed of.  That, and being a red carpet host at the Oscars. ;)  I'm not quite sure why, but I really thought September was going to be our month.  We really hadn't been thinking about baby for the last 5 months, and it was our first month back into the process.  I was super positive, cheerful, and couldn't stop thinking about maybe being able to make a Christmas announcement.  

Unfortunately, that was not the case.  It wast just like the other 37 months--negative.  Remember how much I hate that word?  I probably have never hated anything more, other than infertility itself.  We have no choice but to pick ourselves up, and try again.  However, my biggest question of all, is how much longer are we going to have to try again?  How many more months, how many more years are we going to struggle with this battle?  I'm ready!  

But that's not the plan, is it?  Heavenly Father has a different plan in mind for Kyhle and me, and we cannot question His plan, however much we may want to.  No, we cannot question His plan, but we can try other options to see if maybe that is what He has in mind for us.  Right?  I have been reading adoption profiles and blogs all week of couples from the church looking to expand their families.  How do you not compare yourself to them?  How do you not wonder which couple would be better?  How do you not wonder which couple would get picked and placed?  

I did some research on the church adoption website called itsaboutlove.org.  Ready for some statistics? 

The total amount of couples with published profiles: 672

Couples in Indiana: 2

Couples in Utah: 328

Couples in the 20-25 age range: 22

Couples in the 25-30 age range: 198

Couples without children: 236

Couples with a dog: 313

I know I have said this before, but it can take 8-12 months just to get your paperwork finished and get approved to be on the list.  After approval, it could be 1 week, 1 year, 5 years...no one knows when you'll get placed with a baby.  Just because you get chosen by a birth mother, doesn't mean you'll end up getting placed.  That's a sad lesson I have been reading a lot about.  I have found many couples who have shared their stories of getting chosen, but then the birth mother changes her mind at the last minute and keeps the baby.  I found a few couples that experienced that heartache multiple times.  What an awful thing to go through!  I cannot imagine being at the hospital with our new baby, holding them, loving them, naming them, and then...nothing.  

A friend of mine asked me, "If you start the adoption process, do you feel like you would be giving up trying for your own baby?"  My answer? No, I feel like that is us moving forward with the process of expanding our family and bringing a child into our home.  I will never stop trying to get pregnant.  However, I would like to be pro-active and find a way to become a mom, whichever way Heavenly Father has planned for us.  

Keep Trying

I cannot believe it has been almost 6 months since our last failed IUI. After that happened for the second time, I felt like I just needed some time off.  I needed to turn my attention to something else other than baby.  We took some much needed time off, and I think that was just the right thing to do. We had such a busy, eventful summer, and it was so nice to not have fertility on my mind the whole time.  Obviously I would think of it every so often, but not as much as I would before.  

I have had a couple of friends come to me over the last few months and share with me their struggles with trying to have or expand their families, and I have thoroughly loved talking to them, and being there to support them through this difficult trial.  It has really helped me become stronger, and has taken my mind off my own struggle.  I was telling one of my friends that infertility really is like a sisterhood.  No one can understand it until they have been through it.  Family and friends are so supportive and are there for you when they can be, and are great listeners, but they really just can't understand the whole situation.  When I learn of a new woman who is fighting this battle, I feel an instant connection with her, and feel like I can't talk to her about everything and she will understand.  She understands what it is like to feel the mixed emotions of being happy for pregnant friends, but feeling so sad and confused at the same time.  She understands what it is like to have a happy face when attending baby showers, baby blessings, visiting friends and family in the hospital, and then crying when she walks through the door coming home.  

I keep getting a strong feeling to not give up.  Something keeps telling me that it will happen.  We will get pregnant, and we will have a baby.  The problem, though, is that I'm not quite sure if it's my stubbornness and selfishness telling me that, or something completely different.  I have talked about adoption many times on here, but I keep feeling that if adoption were the answer for us, we would have started that journey by now.  I'm not sure if it's because I can't let go of the idea of being pregnant, or if it's because I really do feel that it'll happen...eventually.  I'm not saying I know it'll happen soon, or even within the next year, but I just know it will happen.  I have prayed and prayed, read my Patriarchal blessing over and over, and just in the last month, have been feeling strongly that that is my answer-- keep trying.  It is not time to move on to other options.  I am not saying that time won't come, but it's not right now.  Yes I am selfish and stubborn, and want to have my own baby through pregnancy, but I know the spirit is telling me to keep trying, and to not give up.  So much has happened for us in the last 3 years, with so much more still to come.  

I love this quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.  I am sure I have shared it before, but it is a great reminder to those of us who are fighting any battle.  

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” 

On a side note, I am a huge fan of The Bachelor.  If any of you feel the same, (I know many do,) then you remember Sean Lowe.  His sister, Shay, is a blogger, and I stumbled across her blog a few weeks ago.  I read her blog about infertility last night.  Such a positive post, and confirmed my feelings, as well.  If you have a couple of minutes, read her post! 

http://shullfamily.blogspot.com/2013/02/infertility.html

New Woman

I decided to start writing in a personal journal more lately instead of blogging.  I feel like I have said everything on here that there is to say, and nothing has changed.  In my journal, I feel like I have more freedom to say my true feelings than on the blog.  I obviously try to watch some of the things I say on here to make sure I don't hurt or offend anyone.  It feels good to let it all out with pen and paper, and be able to write exactly what is on my mind.  For now, I thought I would go ahead and let you all know what life has been like over the last three and a half weeks since surgery.  

I'll start off by saying getting a breast reduction was one of the best decisions I have ever made!  It has been a crazy few weeks with a lot of ups and downs, but I don't regret any of it.  I had a hard time staying in bed like the doctor asked, so I was at the hospital when my niece was born, visited friends and family, went out to lunch, played putt-putt, and cleaned the apartment before getting the doc's approval.  People kept warning me that I needed to take it easy and stay in bed resting more.  I guess I should have listened!  At my three week check up this past Thursday, Dr. Kelly told me I needed to get another surgery.  My right side wasn't healing correctly, and we needed to do a skin graft and new stitches.  I just about broke down into tears as she was telling me everything.  I knew there was a chance I would have to get new stitches, but a whole other surgery?  Then on top of that, she told me I was getting surgery the next day!  

Friday afternoon, I went to her office and filled out piles of paperwork in preparation for surgery.  I was taken back at 2 o'clock and underwent a 2 hour surgery, where they did a skin graft from my stomach and repaired my right side.  She summed it up as a mini tummy tuck.  That's alright with me!  I woke up from anesthesia, drank my Sprite and ate my crackers.  As soon as they released me, we went straight to my sister's house for her birthday dinner.  Yes, I would say that was a crazy idea, but I really didn't want to miss her birthday, and really wanted to see Eli and baby Clara.  

For the next few days, I will be taking it as easy as possible, and really listen to my doctor this time around. I will be off work at least until Wednesday, and then see how I feel about going back.  I went ahead and took the whole week off just in case.  I am in quite a bit of pain in my stomach area, where there is about a 6-7 inch incision, like a C-Section scar.  I am so ready for this all to be over with and to feel completely normal again.  Sadly, she told me it will be 6-8 weeks before I feel "normal."  

On the bright side, I have been loving the way my clothes fit me now, and I am really looking forward to going shopping for some fun, new clothes as soon as I feel like I am ready to wear them!  I am down about 10 lbs so far, and am ready to get to the gym as soon as I get approval.  I am so grateful for all of the women in my ward who so graciously brought us meals for 2 weeks.  I loved receiving cards and letters in the mail from friends and family, and am so grateful for all of the love and support we have received from everyone.  It's fun to feel like a new woman! 

Baby Hungry

The past few days have been pretty hectic at the Porter house!  I won't go into details, but Kyhle and I have been taking care of one of my babies from work while her dad is in the hospital.  My co-worker, Meaggan, works at the vet clinic, and I watch her two kids, Jayden and MaKenzie, at daycare.  Jayden has been getting taken care of by another family, and Kyhle and I have had 10 month old MaKenzie since Sunday.  

As if we weren't baby hungry enough, this sweet little girl isn't making it any easier on us!  She is such a fun baby to have with us, and we have really enjoyed taking care of her.  Kyhle has been amazing with her, even though she has been quite clingy to me.  He will be the perfect daddy someday.  Both mornings so far, MaKenzie has had a dirty diaper when she woke up.  Kyhle got her out of bed, changed her diaper without complaning or making grossed-out noises, and helped changed her clothes.  Isn't he great?  

We have always loved on our nieces and nephews, and have enjoyed playing with them, but it's different seeing Kyhle with a baby we aren't related to.  He really has the biggest heart!  On our first night, we didn't have any toys or groceries, so we ran to Target after we picked up MaKenzie, and Kyhle kept wanting to buy her toys and yummy snacks to keep her happy and spoil her.  When we were in the toy aisles, MaKenzie's face just lit up and Kyhle said, "Man!  It must be impossible to not spoil your own children because I want to buy her everything!"  He's too sweet.  

I am so grateful for a husband that loves children, and is so kind and gentle with any child he meets.  I'll never forget when we were dating, we were sitting on a bench at Hawthorne Park by the lake and he said, "I want 9 kids so I can have my own baseball team!"  I looked at him like he was crazy.  Luckily, he settled at four.  ;)  I hope and pray that one day, I will be able to give him half of the baseball team he so deserves. 

Major

I am having a hard time grasping the fact that I am having major surgery in less than a month.  Did I mention it is major?  I am absolutely 100% terrified.  I wish I weren't so scared, and that I could feel comfortable and at ease with the whole situation.  I just don't know if that is even possible.  Friends have said, "Oh, don't be nervous, you'll do fine!"  "Why are you scared!?  It'll be so much better in the long run..."  Well, duh, I know it'll be better, that's why I am doing this.  But don't be scared?  You get your top lady parts chopped in half and let me know how you feel about it.  (Sorry, Mom.)  

What am I nervous and scared about?  I am terrified of staying the night in the hospital and being sick all night.  I am terrified of the risks my doctor told me about.  I am terrified of the amount of pain I will be in for a long time after surgery.  I am terrified something will go wrong.  I am nervous I won't be able to return to work when I planned, and I will lose more money with time off.  I am nervous if I do return to work on time, I will end up injuring myself even worse.  I am super nervous my surgery and recovery will interfere with the timing of the birth of my niece, and my mom will feel pressured to be with me and my sister.  Mom, Laura got pregnant before I scheduled my surgery.  She and the baby come first!  ;)

Why am I having the surgery done if I am so terrified of everything?  I know this procedure will change my life.  I know it will make me feel like a new person.  I know it will make my back, shoulders, neck and head feel much better.  I know it will give me the confidence and self-esteem boost I so badly need.  I know it will be better for my health.  I know it will be better for me.  

The pros out-weigh the cons.  

When going over the paperwork again tonight, (I have read it all about 500 times,) I read this line over and over...

"Avoid heavy lifting (over 10 pounds) for one month post-operatively.  This includes groceries and laundry baskets.  Also, limit arm movements which stretch or pull on the incisions.  Avoid activities that utilize the chest muscles, such as reaching overhead or vacuuming.  It also is useful to avoid bending over at the waist.  Otherwise follow your regular routine."

Regular routine?  Bending over at my waist, reaching overhead, lifting laundry baskets, vacuuming, heavy lifting...that is my regular routine! 

I was secretly hoping I would get pregnant this past month, (or this coming month,) so I could cancel the surgery.  No such luck.  

July 17, my friends.  

What If?

After spending a couple of weeks in California with 4 of my nieces and nephews, I told Kyhle that I needed to wait a little while to try for a baby.  I was exhausted, stressed, and just completely worn out.  When he picked me up at the airport, there was a baby that he pointed out saying she was a cutie.  I turned to him and said, "No.  No baby is cute to me right now."  I said that?  I never thought I'd say those words!  Ha!  

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful I had the opportunity to stay with my nieces and nephew while Ryan and Jeri went on vacation, but it was a lot of hard work and I totally underestimated how challenging it would be taking care of 4 kids by myself.  I have always said that my sister-in-law is Super Mom.  She is always on the go and keeps her kids so active and involved, which is great!  However, I am not used to that lifestyle, so it was quite an adjustment.  I didn't think it would be too hard because I work with more than 4 kids everyday.  Here's the biggest difference-- I go home by myself at the end of the day!!  There were some days where I couldn't wait to just go in my room and close the door for the night.  Moms are amazing, and anyone who says otherwise is just...not. :)

Luckily, I am back on track and want my baby!  I knew that feeling of wanting to put it off would go away pretty fast.  But first things first, and I have some good news!  My insurance accepted my claim for my reduction surgery, and they will cover the whole procedure, including an overnight at the hospital!  When I asked them how much I would end up paying out of pocket, her response was, "Zero!  You have already met your deductible and you have no co-pay!"  I am one lucky girl to still get to be on my dad's insurance!!  

So that's that.  I have scheduled the surgery for Tuesday, July 23.  I am somewhat nervous with the timing because my sister, Laura, is due to have her baby one week after that.  Let's all hope baby girl Hayes comes on time and not early. :)  I am going to be off work from July 23-August 5.  When I return, I still have to be super cautious with lifting and making sure I don't move around too much.  It'll definitely be a tough 6 weeks of recovering.  How is that possible with my job?  Maybe I'll have to plan to do a lot of desk work that first week back.  

Now that it is scheduled and planned, I am definitely starting to feel the nerves.  This is something I have wanted to do for a few years now, and I just kept putting off and putting off.  I know it is time to move on and go forward with life, but parts of me feel like I just need to wait a few more years, and see if a baby comes along.  But I can't just keep putting it off.  I can't keep living my life saying, "What if we get pregnant?"  Now I have to say, "What if we don't, and I waited for years with this daily physical pain?"  I really hate "what-ifs"!