What If?

After spending a couple of weeks in California with 4 of my nieces and nephews, I told Kyhle that I needed to wait a little while to try for a baby.  I was exhausted, stressed, and just completely worn out.  When he picked me up at the airport, there was a baby that he pointed out saying she was a cutie.  I turned to him and said, "No.  No baby is cute to me right now."  I said that?  I never thought I'd say those words!  Ha!  

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful I had the opportunity to stay with my nieces and nephew while Ryan and Jeri went on vacation, but it was a lot of hard work and I totally underestimated how challenging it would be taking care of 4 kids by myself.  I have always said that my sister-in-law is Super Mom.  She is always on the go and keeps her kids so active and involved, which is great!  However, I am not used to that lifestyle, so it was quite an adjustment.  I didn't think it would be too hard because I work with more than 4 kids everyday.  Here's the biggest difference-- I go home by myself at the end of the day!!  There were some days where I couldn't wait to just go in my room and close the door for the night.  Moms are amazing, and anyone who says otherwise is just...not. :)

Luckily, I am back on track and want my baby!  I knew that feeling of wanting to put it off would go away pretty fast.  But first things first, and I have some good news!  My insurance accepted my claim for my reduction surgery, and they will cover the whole procedure, including an overnight at the hospital!  When I asked them how much I would end up paying out of pocket, her response was, "Zero!  You have already met your deductible and you have no co-pay!"  I am one lucky girl to still get to be on my dad's insurance!!  

So that's that.  I have scheduled the surgery for Tuesday, July 23.  I am somewhat nervous with the timing because my sister, Laura, is due to have her baby one week after that.  Let's all hope baby girl Hayes comes on time and not early. :)  I am going to be off work from July 23-August 5.  When I return, I still have to be super cautious with lifting and making sure I don't move around too much.  It'll definitely be a tough 6 weeks of recovering.  How is that possible with my job?  Maybe I'll have to plan to do a lot of desk work that first week back.  

Now that it is scheduled and planned, I am definitely starting to feel the nerves.  This is something I have wanted to do for a few years now, and I just kept putting off and putting off.  I know it is time to move on and go forward with life, but parts of me feel like I just need to wait a few more years, and see if a baby comes along.  But I can't just keep putting it off.  I can't keep living my life saying, "What if we get pregnant?"  Now I have to say, "What if we don't, and I waited for years with this daily physical pain?"  I really hate "what-ifs"! 

Moving Forward

 I took a (small) break from writing on here because I was debating what I wanted to write about.  I won't go into details, but last week was a rough one.  Kyhle and I ended up staying home together from work last Wednesday.  I had quite the bad experience in the middle of the night on Tuesday, and was in horrible pain all day Wednesday and most of Thursday.  Kyhle actually went in to work, and during his meeting, his boss could tell something wasn't right with him. When he asked, Kyhle explained to him what had happened, and his boss's response was, "Is your wife still home?"  Kyhle replied, "Yes."  His boss said, "Go home.  You need to be with her today."  Kyhle and I were both so grateful he let him go home, and even more grateful that he was understanding enough that Kyhle didn't even have to ask.  Thank you, Eric.  I was able to get my shift covered last minute at my work, too.  Thank you, Val.  

So we move on, right?  I don't really like to call it "moving on."  I feel like that sounds like we are giving up, and I am not giving up.  I am just going forward to the next step.  I have been contemplating my "next step" for a long time now, and questioning if I am ready for it or not.  I have put it off for a long time, and feel like it is finally time to move forward and make some changes.  Changes?  Oh yeah!  I am a little shy to talk about it, but I have shared everything else with you all, and it'll be obvious someday soon anyway, so I may as well go ahead.

Kyhle and I visited with a plastic surgeon and had a consultation for a breast reduction.  Holy cow!  I'd say that's moving forward.  I was going to get one back in high school, but I scared myself out of it, and decided to wait until I was married and done having children.  Seeing as we have been unable to succeed at the having children part, I have decided I shouldn't put it off any longer, and go ahead with surgery.  I know it will be life changing, and make such a huge difference in my overall health and well-being, and for that, I am thrilled!  My paperwork has been submitted to insurance, and now we wait.  My doctor told me insurance would be crazy not to cover me because of all of the health issues and struggles I have had, and that there should be no problem getting it taken care of.  Insurance was going to cover it back in high school, and boy, do I need it more now than I did then!  

So we play the waiting game and will hopefully hear back from insurance within a couple of weeks.  After they (hopefully) accept, I will schedule surgery.  My goal is to get it done in June or July, while I have my daycare fully staffed with my college girls. :)  I will have to be out of work for one week, possibly two.  The hardest part will be not lifting over 20 lbs for 6 weeks!  I don't even know how I  can manage that at my job.  

Kyhle and I are both excited and ready for this next big step.  Well, I think I am more excited and ready than he is.  He had a couple of stipulations ;) 

Time to Travel

Yes, according to the doctor today was the day I could take a home test.  People kept asking when I was going to test and to keep them posted.  I kept telling them I would probably wait a few days, until I was actually late (Wednesday.)  Well, just like my mom told me, I wasn't able to wait.  First thing at 6 am this morning...negative.  Remember how much I hate that word?  I hate it even more at 6 in the morning.  So I didn't start my day off in the best mood.  Unfortunately I cried my entire way to work, along with a couple of times during the day.  That's really nothing new, as I have been an emotional wreck the past couple of weeks.  I should have waited until I was officially late like I originally planned, but of course I had to check right away.  Obviously I will test again in a few days, but I think I have already told myself I'm not pregnant.  

I really hate saying that.  I'm not pregnant.  It's such a horrible, terrible, depressing, unfortunate statement.  I have said it each month for almost three years, and I was (am) really hoping I wouldn't have to say it this month.  I understand there's a slight chance that's not the case this month, but it sure feels like it.  

I worry I am becoming that girl.  The girl that really hates being around other pregnant women.  As happy as I am for them, I just don't want to be around them.  No offense to all of my pregnant friends and family members--I love you all and wish you the best with your journeys, and am so grateful you all have the amazing opportunity to be mommies.  But it's hard for me to see the bellies.  I really want that round belly (for the right reason! :)) It is by far my biggest challenge to not feel envious of you all.  I am noticing I don't want to go places that I know there will be multiple pregnant women.  It's just too much sometimes.  I don't like going to Buy Buy Baby anymore, as it just makes me sad that I am not preparing for my sweet baby.  I have noticed my job is starting to make me a little sad.  Being around the sweet children and babies all day is just making me yearn for my own bundle of cuddles. 

The hardest part of it all...no more fertility treatments.  Kyhle and I have decided this would be our last try.  It costs a lot of money to not get the result you want, and it has taken quite an emotional toll.  So that's it.  I have to start accepting and realizing that becoming pregnant just may not happen for me.  I have to realize that I may become a mommy through another woman.  I also have to realize that it is going to be quite a while before that can happen.  I think that's what is the hardest to accept.  We just can't afford adoption, nor are we ready and prepared for that kind of journey.  We are at least going to wait until Kyhle graduates (one more year) and then see where we end up moving after school.  

Next month will mark a year since my endometriosis diagnosis.  We really thought after finding that out and treating it, that it would be our time.  What a year it has been!  I think it's time for a nice break.  It's time to get away, and just be with my sweet husband for a while.  It's time for us to have time to just enjoy each other and the beauty around us.  It's time for a getaway.  Yeah...I think that sounds right. Our third anniversary is just around the corner.  New York?  South Carolina?  Tennessee?  Georgia?  Michigan?  It's time to travel away from the world of infertility drugs and sadness.  

That Was Fast!

The plan was to do the IUI procedure either the end of this week or the beginning of next.  I made my work schedule according to plan, and was prepared for that.  Well, looks like my body had other plans!  I went to my check up this morning to check on my follicles.  Sadly, one of my follicles disappeared like last time, but my other one grew faster than they had expected.  They want the follicle at 18 mm.  Last Wednesday, they were 6 mm and 7 mm, and they usually grow about 1 mm a day.  If that were the case, it would have only been 11-12 mm today.  Nope...18!  My nurse says to me, "Did you bring your HCG with you today?"  Well no, I wasn't planning on triggering today.  She told me we were going to have to do the IUI tomorrow and I needed to get my trigger shot asap.  I went home, picked up my medicine, went back to the doctor, and she gave me my shot.  I will go back in tomorrow at 8 am to do the IUI.  

As I said before, one of my follicles disappeared, just like last time.  I know they say that it is normal, and isn't a bad thing, but I still was sad to hear that.  The one follicle gave me a better chance at success.  It gave me a little more hope this whole thing could possibly work.  As she was doing my ultrasound, I looked and looked for the little black circle.  Nothing.  So she was like, "Hmm, maybe it's just hiding!"  Nope, not there.  Sarah (my nurse) reminded me that it was completely normal for one to disappear, and that all it takes is one to get that baby.  I just have to keep reminding myself that now. 

I'm not quite sure why, but I am feeling nervous this time around.   I was nervous last time, but it feels different.  I don't at all want to be a Debbie Downer, but if it didn't work last time, why would it work this time?  I keep asking myself that, but yet I am still going ahead with it, so I must believe it could happen.  

Kyhle's birthday is April 22, and I've got a HUGE surprise planned for him that whole weekend.  It would be totally awesome if we could have some good news for an even better surprise.  

Let's Go #2!

It's probably time to update you all on the latest...

I started my shots last week to start our second round of IUI.  I will go back on Wednesday for a follow-up, and see how many follicles I have developed, and hopefully find out when we can do the procedure.  My guess is that it will happen early next week.  I have been getting bad headaches this time around, but no other symptoms.  I would say I am pretty emotional, but I think I've been that way for the last year or so!  I still cry at everything!  

I don't really know how I feel this time.  I would kind of describe it as numb, but I think that sounds wrong.  Maybe it's because it didn't work last time, so I don't want to get my hopes up this time?  But I know I need to stay positive, and just move on from the last round.  We took last month off to regroup and take a little break, so I was definitely ready to get back in the game.  

At my appointment last week, I noticed my nurse is actually pregnant.  I wanted to say something to her, and just make casual conversation, maybe ask her when she's due...but I didn't.  I sat there wondering what it is like for her.  Here she is working in a fertility clinic, a place where women go who are unable to get pregnant, and she is just that...pregnant.  I wonder how many women treat her differently because of that?  I wonder how many tell her congratulations?  I felt bad for not saying anything to her, so I am going to make a point on Wednesday to tell her congratulations, and ask how far along she is.  I would never want her to feel uncomfortable around me, curious if it made me upset or jealous.  

I found out last week that my sister and Kyhle's best friend's wife are both having GIRLS!  I am so, so excited for both of them, but especially for my sister because I can't wait to get another niece!  I am really looking forward to having a niece live close by that I can love on and spoil.  Come on, August!  

Grateful

What is it about Spring that makes me yearn even more for that sweet little baby?  Maybe it's because the weather is so beautiful, and I wish we could take our little one out on a walk with the dogs, or dress it in beautiful spring colors.  Maybe it's because that's when animals have their babies, and flowers are blooming.  

What am I saying?  I don't care what season or month it is...there is always something going on around me that makes me think, "Man, I wish we had our on little baby to enjoy this with!" 

The last week or so has been a little rough.  I have been super busy at work with a new promotion, and feeling like I just need a break.  I'm hoping things will start to slow down a little once I start to get the hang of this director thing, but until then...phew!

For Thanksgiving, my family has a tradition of writing down things we are grateful for.  It can be anything we think of-- family, food, homes, cars, TV shows, games, sports, friends, church, clothing, exercise, vacations...anything.  After dinner, we pass the bag around, and each person pulls out a paper and reads what it says.  We continue to pass the bag until all the notes are gone.  My sister, Beth, wrote a sweet thankful note about each of her siblings.  My mom pulled the note of what she said about me. 

"I'm grateful for my little sister whose tender heart has room for lots of little ones, including mine, and whose own little ones will be so lucky to be held in her arms."  

I looked over to her with tears in my eyes, and said, "Thank you."  

I don't know if she knows this, but I have kept that little note in my wallet ever since that night.  When I am having a rough day, I will pull it out and read it, and think back to that night and the love I felt from her.  That note means so much to me, and has helped me through some tough days and weeks.  

I know that things will get better and it will all be alright in the end.  I am grateful for a wonderful husband who loves and supports me, and amazing family and friends who are there when I need them.  I am grateful for my nieces and nephews, and all the little ones at my work who I can love and take care of, while I wait to love and take care of my own.  

Pictures

Like many of you, I am a lover of Pinterest.  When I first found out about it, I went pinning crazy.  I have since slowed down, but with the recent possibility of becoming pregnant, I got back into it.  When we eventually do have a teeny tiny baby, I will be turning back to all of my lovely pins.  

I came across a blog that I absolutely love, and am so grateful I found it!  I wanted to share this great idea with all of you, as I know many of you readers of mine are expecting little ones within this year, and I think you should all do this for your babies.  

Enjoy!

http://brittanygphotography.com/blog/?p=1597