Time to Travel

Yes, according to the doctor today was the day I could take a home test.  People kept asking when I was going to test and to keep them posted.  I kept telling them I would probably wait a few days, until I was actually late (Wednesday.)  Well, just like my mom told me, I wasn't able to wait.  First thing at 6 am this morning...negative.  Remember how much I hate that word?  I hate it even more at 6 in the morning.  So I didn't start my day off in the best mood.  Unfortunately I cried my entire way to work, along with a couple of times during the day.  That's really nothing new, as I have been an emotional wreck the past couple of weeks.  I should have waited until I was officially late like I originally planned, but of course I had to check right away.  Obviously I will test again in a few days, but I think I have already told myself I'm not pregnant.  

I really hate saying that.  I'm not pregnant.  It's such a horrible, terrible, depressing, unfortunate statement.  I have said it each month for almost three years, and I was (am) really hoping I wouldn't have to say it this month.  I understand there's a slight chance that's not the case this month, but it sure feels like it.  

I worry I am becoming that girl.  The girl that really hates being around other pregnant women.  As happy as I am for them, I just don't want to be around them.  No offense to all of my pregnant friends and family members--I love you all and wish you the best with your journeys, and am so grateful you all have the amazing opportunity to be mommies.  But it's hard for me to see the bellies.  I really want that round belly (for the right reason! :)) It is by far my biggest challenge to not feel envious of you all.  I am noticing I don't want to go places that I know there will be multiple pregnant women.  It's just too much sometimes.  I don't like going to Buy Buy Baby anymore, as it just makes me sad that I am not preparing for my sweet baby.  I have noticed my job is starting to make me a little sad.  Being around the sweet children and babies all day is just making me yearn for my own bundle of cuddles. 

The hardest part of it all...no more fertility treatments.  Kyhle and I have decided this would be our last try.  It costs a lot of money to not get the result you want, and it has taken quite an emotional toll.  So that's it.  I have to start accepting and realizing that becoming pregnant just may not happen for me.  I have to realize that I may become a mommy through another woman.  I also have to realize that it is going to be quite a while before that can happen.  I think that's what is the hardest to accept.  We just can't afford adoption, nor are we ready and prepared for that kind of journey.  We are at least going to wait until Kyhle graduates (one more year) and then see where we end up moving after school.  

Next month will mark a year since my endometriosis diagnosis.  We really thought after finding that out and treating it, that it would be our time.  What a year it has been!  I think it's time for a nice break.  It's time to get away, and just be with my sweet husband for a while.  It's time for us to have time to just enjoy each other and the beauty around us.  It's time for a getaway.  Yeah...I think that sounds right. Our third anniversary is just around the corner.  New York?  South Carolina?  Tennessee?  Georgia?  Michigan?  It's time to travel away from the world of infertility drugs and sadness.  

That Was Fast!

The plan was to do the IUI procedure either the end of this week or the beginning of next.  I made my work schedule according to plan, and was prepared for that.  Well, looks like my body had other plans!  I went to my check up this morning to check on my follicles.  Sadly, one of my follicles disappeared like last time, but my other one grew faster than they had expected.  They want the follicle at 18 mm.  Last Wednesday, they were 6 mm and 7 mm, and they usually grow about 1 mm a day.  If that were the case, it would have only been 11-12 mm today.  Nope...18!  My nurse says to me, "Did you bring your HCG with you today?"  Well no, I wasn't planning on triggering today.  She told me we were going to have to do the IUI tomorrow and I needed to get my trigger shot asap.  I went home, picked up my medicine, went back to the doctor, and she gave me my shot.  I will go back in tomorrow at 8 am to do the IUI.  

As I said before, one of my follicles disappeared, just like last time.  I know they say that it is normal, and isn't a bad thing, but I still was sad to hear that.  The one follicle gave me a better chance at success.  It gave me a little more hope this whole thing could possibly work.  As she was doing my ultrasound, I looked and looked for the little black circle.  Nothing.  So she was like, "Hmm, maybe it's just hiding!"  Nope, not there.  Sarah (my nurse) reminded me that it was completely normal for one to disappear, and that all it takes is one to get that baby.  I just have to keep reminding myself that now. 

I'm not quite sure why, but I am feeling nervous this time around.   I was nervous last time, but it feels different.  I don't at all want to be a Debbie Downer, but if it didn't work last time, why would it work this time?  I keep asking myself that, but yet I am still going ahead with it, so I must believe it could happen.  

Kyhle's birthday is April 22, and I've got a HUGE surprise planned for him that whole weekend.  It would be totally awesome if we could have some good news for an even better surprise.  

Let's Go #2!

It's probably time to update you all on the latest...

I started my shots last week to start our second round of IUI.  I will go back on Wednesday for a follow-up, and see how many follicles I have developed, and hopefully find out when we can do the procedure.  My guess is that it will happen early next week.  I have been getting bad headaches this time around, but no other symptoms.  I would say I am pretty emotional, but I think I've been that way for the last year or so!  I still cry at everything!  

I don't really know how I feel this time.  I would kind of describe it as numb, but I think that sounds wrong.  Maybe it's because it didn't work last time, so I don't want to get my hopes up this time?  But I know I need to stay positive, and just move on from the last round.  We took last month off to regroup and take a little break, so I was definitely ready to get back in the game.  

At my appointment last week, I noticed my nurse is actually pregnant.  I wanted to say something to her, and just make casual conversation, maybe ask her when she's due...but I didn't.  I sat there wondering what it is like for her.  Here she is working in a fertility clinic, a place where women go who are unable to get pregnant, and she is just that...pregnant.  I wonder how many women treat her differently because of that?  I wonder how many tell her congratulations?  I felt bad for not saying anything to her, so I am going to make a point on Wednesday to tell her congratulations, and ask how far along she is.  I would never want her to feel uncomfortable around me, curious if it made me upset or jealous.  

I found out last week that my sister and Kyhle's best friend's wife are both having GIRLS!  I am so, so excited for both of them, but especially for my sister because I can't wait to get another niece!  I am really looking forward to having a niece live close by that I can love on and spoil.  Come on, August!  

Grateful

What is it about Spring that makes me yearn even more for that sweet little baby?  Maybe it's because the weather is so beautiful, and I wish we could take our little one out on a walk with the dogs, or dress it in beautiful spring colors.  Maybe it's because that's when animals have their babies, and flowers are blooming.  

What am I saying?  I don't care what season or month it is...there is always something going on around me that makes me think, "Man, I wish we had our on little baby to enjoy this with!" 

The last week or so has been a little rough.  I have been super busy at work with a new promotion, and feeling like I just need a break.  I'm hoping things will start to slow down a little once I start to get the hang of this director thing, but until then...phew!

For Thanksgiving, my family has a tradition of writing down things we are grateful for.  It can be anything we think of-- family, food, homes, cars, TV shows, games, sports, friends, church, clothing, exercise, vacations...anything.  After dinner, we pass the bag around, and each person pulls out a paper and reads what it says.  We continue to pass the bag until all the notes are gone.  My sister, Beth, wrote a sweet thankful note about each of her siblings.  My mom pulled the note of what she said about me. 

"I'm grateful for my little sister whose tender heart has room for lots of little ones, including mine, and whose own little ones will be so lucky to be held in her arms."  

I looked over to her with tears in my eyes, and said, "Thank you."  

I don't know if she knows this, but I have kept that little note in my wallet ever since that night.  When I am having a rough day, I will pull it out and read it, and think back to that night and the love I felt from her.  That note means so much to me, and has helped me through some tough days and weeks.  

I know that things will get better and it will all be alright in the end.  I am grateful for a wonderful husband who loves and supports me, and amazing family and friends who are there when I need them.  I am grateful for my nieces and nephews, and all the little ones at my work who I can love and take care of, while I wait to love and take care of my own.  

Pictures

Like many of you, I am a lover of Pinterest.  When I first found out about it, I went pinning crazy.  I have since slowed down, but with the recent possibility of becoming pregnant, I got back into it.  When we eventually do have a teeny tiny baby, I will be turning back to all of my lovely pins.  

I came across a blog that I absolutely love, and am so grateful I found it!  I wanted to share this great idea with all of you, as I know many of you readers of mine are expecting little ones within this year, and I think you should all do this for your babies.  

Enjoy!

http://brittanygphotography.com/blog/?p=1597

Oreos

Here it goes...

I woke up yesterday morning, Kyhle handed me a test, we waited for 3 minutes...negative.  I called my doctor and spoke to the nurse letting her know the result.  Her response--

"So you're 3 days late, have taken 2 tests and they have both been negative.  Okay, we will go ahead and consider it a negative.  Go ahead and stop taking the Progesterone, and just call us when you eventually get your period.  I will go ahead and place the order for your shots to try this again." 

That's it?  Consider it a negative?  Call when I eventually get my period? Awesome.  

So nothing happened on Friday.  Saturday morning, 4 days late, nothing happened.  What the heck is going on?  Kyhle and I were in Terre Haute for his brother's birthday this weekend, and we came home this afternoon.  As we were exiting off the interstate to pull into our apartment, it hit me.  Cramps.  I knew exactly what kind of cramps these were.  We came inside, put our bags away, and sure enough...it was here.  

So that's it.  I thought I had accepted that we weren't pregnant when I saw the first negative on Wednesday, but I guess I was hoping in the back of my mind that it was false and just still too early to detect.  I can start the shots again on Monday if we choose, and we can start the process as soon as we want.  Unfortunately, this has taken quite an emotional toll on both of us, and I think we are going to wait a month and try again in April instead.  As much as we were trying to stay neutral, we really thought this was our turn.  Unfortunately, things don't always go the way we want them to.  

It's hard for me to not be angry.  It's hard to not be bitter.  I don't want to be that girl, but sometimes, I just need to be that way.  I just need a day or two to be angry, upset, frustrated, bitter, mad, jealous, envious.  Or maybe I need a whole week to feel those emotions.  I need to get those emotions out and not have to feel like I am holding anything back.  

I just want to lay down under my blanket and eat Oreos for the rest of the day, faithfully taking Midol.  Maybe even the rest of the weekend.  If I'm not eating Oreos, I just want to be asleep.  That way I don't have to feel sad, or even mad.  

In Case You Were Wondering

I figured I should probably let you all know...

My doctor wanted me to take a home test on Tuesday, the day my cycle was expected.  I decided to wait 'til I was officially "late" and tested Wednesday morning.  Kyhle woke me up first thing in the morning before he left for work. 

K: "Bay, are you gonna take a test?"

R: "I don't know...not right now..."

K: "But I have to go to work in 5 minutes!" 

R: "I'm not going to test with you here!"

K: "Yeah, bay!"

(Yes, "Bay" is our nickname for each other.)

I get up, take my test, set it on the tub, and go back to bed telling Kyhle to go read it for me because I was too nervous.  I crawl back under the covers, and wait for his return.  A minute later, he walks in...

K: "Sorry for waking you up, love."

R: "It's okay.  Sorry it was negative."

Obviously we were both incredibly sad, and just bummed.  We hugged, we cried, we went to work and kept a brave face all day.  I called the doctor on my way to work and told them the result.  They said if my cycle didn't start, to take another test Friday morning and call them with the result.  Well...it hasn't started.  I don't really know if I want to test tomorrow morning.  I think they want me to since they are closed during the weekend, and I may need to go in for a blood test tomorrow afternoon if the test is still negative with no cycle.  I guess I'll decide when I wake up tomorrow morning! 

The part that is so frustrating to me is that everything is still in limbo!  I hate not knowing one way or the other.  If my test was negative yesterday, why the heck have I not started!?  It is also driving me crazy because I notice some symptoms, but I don't want to read into them, because I know they could mean anything, along with my Progesterone meds causing some crazy sore tenderness.  I have felt extremely over-tired the past 3 days, to a point where I can go to bed at 7 each evening.  I came home from work on Monday, we had dinner at 4:45, I was asleep by 5:15, didn't wake up until 7:30 (I don't normally take naps), and went back to bed at 10.  What is wrong with me?  I have had no symptoms of an upcoming cycle.  Usually I will break out and have some cramping, but I haven't experienced either of those.  Just frustrating.  

I think  I have accepted the fact that I am not pregnant this month, even though nothing has started.  If I end up finding out I am pregnant, we will be pleasantly surprised.  Seeing the negative was a major let down and I just don't want to see another one.  I'm sick of negatives.  It's the perfect word because a "negative" is so negative. 

Stay tuned...