Christmas List

Last night I had an amazing dream.  It was the perfect dream and felt so real.  

Then I woke up. 

Here's what happened:

It was Christmas Eve.  I was curious, so I took a pregnancy test.  Positive.  What!? Positive?  I took 5 more.  All positive.  This can't be.  I've never had a positive test, in over 2 years.  I took 5 more!  All positive.  Okay, officially the best Christmas ever.  On Christmas morning, I went ahead and took another test, and of course, it was positive.  I hid the test in Kyhle's stocking. (Gross, I know!)  He dumped out his stocking, found the test, looked at me in shock, and broke down into tears.  Like I said, best Christmas ever.  We then were too excited to wait, so we announced it to our families.  We got to Skype with his brother on a mission, and told him over the computer. Then we skyped with all of my out-of-state siblings, and told them the news.  Again, like I said, best Christmas ever. 

I must say, I was pretty bummed when I woke up to find that whole amazing day was just a dream.  Or should I say a nightmare, since it didn't really happen. Bummer.

So it was a rough night.  But today at work almost made up for it.  I had a great day!

I had three little girls (who are family,) and a little boy for the first couple of hours today.   We had so much fun!  They were all being so well behaved, and I was remembering why I am so grateful for my job.  As we were doing story time, they were sitting quietly on the floor all getting along.  I then heard "Grown Up Christmas List" come on the radio quietly in the background.  I started softly singing along with the song, and one of the little girls, 3 years old, started swaying back and forth, while her twin sister hummed along with me.  This may be corny, but it was a little magical, and I started to tear up a little bit.  (Laugh all you want.)

Then the song "All I Want For Christmas is You" came on.  I jumped up, turned it loud, and we had an epic dance party.  It was the best!  My four little kiddos and I all danced around the room together, laughing, clapping, and trying to sing along.  It was one of the best moments I've had with my "students."  I kept looking at all of them, and telling myself over and over again how lucky I am to be their teacher, and how blessed I am to have each of them in my life.  I need to remember that on our rough days.  Days when they are struggling to listen and obey.  Days when they are on my last nerve.  Days when all I want to do is go home to some peace and quiet.  

I will always cherish today with my students, and will forever remember how much fun we had singing, dancing, clapping and laughing.  Their laughter and little personalities fill my heart with so much joy, and I love each of them.  They will always have a special place in my heart.  

No more lives torn apart

That wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts

Everyone would have a friend

And right would always win

All love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list

-Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant

Miserably Happy!

The more I write on this blog, the more friends I have telling me their stories about their journey in trying to have a baby, and what they went through/are going through.  It's amazing to me how many women struggle with this.  Kyhle and I had a long talk about it all last night, and discussed our journey, while also talking about different friends of ours who have or haven't struggled.  While speaking in general terms (not specifically about me), he said something that really stood out.

"Look, you can either be miserable and have no baby, or you can be happy and have no baby.  Either way, you still don't have a baby.  Being miserable about it isn't going to change that."  

Choose to be happy.  Choose to love life, and love my family and friends I am blessed with.  I don't want to be that miserable woman who is always complaining, and worse...always angry.  I don't want to be angry.  I've been that woman.  I've been the angry, miserable, complainer.  It's not worth it, and doesn't change anything.  

By choosing to be happy and thankful for what I am blessed with, it makes the journey more tolerable.  It also makes me realize how much I do have, and all we are blessed with.  Am I happy every day?  Of course not!  I still can have my angry, miserable, complaining days, but I choose to make those on a rare occasions.  Progress! :)

(Maybe today has just been a really good day)

Figure It Out

I have been contemplating what to write on here for the past week.  I had an appointment with my fertility specialist last Thursday, and I have been wanting to talk about it.  I know people are curious to know what happened.  I think I just didn't really want to talk about it.  Or I just felt like I didn't know how to talk about it.  Or I felt like I didn't want to think about it.  

Some days I just feel so bitter and like I must be horrible to be around.  I think that's why I try to stay out of the spotlight.  I stay away from activities and people.  Then other times, I feel like I can be positive, happy, and upbeat.  Well which is it today?  I'll let you know when I find out! 

Stop reading now if you don't want details, or are not interested in reading a long, drawn-out post.  

Okay...

My appointment was somewhat of a flop.  Sometimes I just feel so incredibly frustrated with my doctor.  I feel like he is just in his career for the money.  He wants everyone to choose IVF, and if they don't, he doesn't give them his best attention and support.  Frustrating.  Basically, we talked about what he would want me to do if we were to choose the IVF route, and told me I need to get my body healthy and ready.  I totally agree with that.  Even without doing IVF I agree with that.  He recommended me to a Dietitian, and I have made an appointment for next week.

We then talked about a different option that I have.  Did he bring this option up to me?  Of course not.  Why?  Because it doesn't pay him as much money.  (At least that's how I feel about it.)  It is a 3-week course of injections I will give myself into my stomach to stimulate my hormones (FSH.)  It is basically a steroid shot to vamp up my engines.  After the 3 weeks, they would then do Artificial Insemination, also known as IUI.  I won't go into the details of an IUI, as you can just look it up if you are really interested!  

Here are some stats for us personally

IVF success: 65-75%

IUI success: 35-45%

IVF would cost: $11,000

IUI would cost: $350

No, we are not going to do IVF.  At least not for like 10 years.  It's just not right for us right now.  But the FSH/IUI...how could I say no to that?  It is a very reasonable option, and it's a chance for us to be pregnant, and me to experience child birth.  Maybe.  If it's successful.  One of the reasons I am hesitant is because I don't want the feeling of being crushed if it doesn't work.  I would go through that month of giving myself shots that will make me a severely crazy, hormonal, and miserable-to-be-around woman.  Then I would have this procedure thinking the whole time that "we" are creating a baby.  What if we don't?  What if the procedure fails and then we have no baby and are out $350?  Is it worth it? 

My sweet Kyhle has been amazing throughout the past year.  We saw a specialist a year ago in January.  What a year it has been for us.  I always apologize to Kyhle and tell him I know he didn't sign up for this.  He just wants to be young, in love, and enjoying married life.  Yet, here he is with a 23 year old wife who is constantly in tears, depressed, and can't watch anything with babies/birth/adoption/infertility without bursting into tears.  I have very happy days, and I have very sad days.  I talk about babies, and what we can do to have our baby all the time.  I try to keep it inside and just hold my tongue about things, but then it just gets that much worse.  

I don't know how to let go.  We said we would think about the FSH/IUI procedure, and take some time to talk about it.  I don't want to take time.  I want to just do everything we can, as much as possible.  But my sweet husband needs time.  He needs a break.  I think about how this changes my life so much.  I think about the challenges this has given me, and the stress is has brought to my life.  People do not understand what it is like, unless they have been through it.  But I don't understand what it is like for my husband.  I don't understand how he is feeling.  All I know is I can't have babies.  I am holding him back from becoming a daddy.  I have something wrong, and the doctors can't figure out what it is.  Why does it seem especially hard around the Holidays? 

I want to figure it out.  For me and my husband.  

Fourteen

As I've said many times, I have the privilege of working in a private daycare, and have built great relationships with each of "my kids."  We now have 14 kids, ages 8 weeks to 4 years.  This job has been both challenging and rewarding.  I am grateful I get to spend my days as a "mom" for all of the children there.   That's what I am doing.  I am a fill-in-mom for the day.  I (along with my co-workers) make breakfast, lunch and dinner, change diapers, do story times, sing songs, break up fights and try to make peace.  I teach them, comfort them and nurture them.  I am mom for the day.  

I don't know if anyone is more prepared to be a mom than I am.  This job has completely prepared me for that.  I think I am a professional diaper changer and multi-tasker.  I have mastered the art of eating while bouncing a baby on my lap.  I am skilled at getting lunch ready for 10 kids, while trying to entertain two babies in the kitchen with me.  I am talented at opening drawers with my feet, while making a bottle and holding the baby in my arms.  I know what I'm doing.  I know each of their schedules, each of their habits, each of their personalities.  I know when they are sick, and how to take care of them.  I know what they are allergic to, and how to treat their asthma.  I know how they like to be held when being rocked to sleep.  I know them.  All 14 of them.  

Even though I am not able to have my own babies (right now) I am grateful for the opportunity to take care of other women's babies, and make sure they are safe, loved and given the attention they need.  I have so much respect for all of the moms of my kids, and know they would much rather be with their babies during the day instead of at work.  I am the lucky one, because I get to spend my day with all of these children, who help fill an emptiness in my heart.  Each of them make me feel not only needed, but wanted. 

 I love getting to spend my days with them, even if they are not all good days.  They aren't all good days when you are a stay-at-home mom, either.  But each day has something new, and there is always a blessing that comes from it.  Until I can stay at home with my own babies, I am grateful to be blessed with the privilege of staying with each of my work babies.  

Unacceptable

Challenging.  Rough.  Difficult.  Exhausting.  Crummy.  Depressing.  Frustrating.  Sad.  

Blah.  

On my first post, I explained that this was a blog for me.  It has my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions.  Well, this week, and especially today, I am feeling "blah."  I try to stay as positive as possible, and not let this all bring me down, but you can only put on a smile for so long.  My smile is fading...at least for this week. 

I had an appointment with my OBGYN this morning.  She's great, and I really like her.  But today, she wasn't so great, and I didn't really like her.  Why?  Because she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.  I don't know why I was expecting anything different.  She's not going to magically make me become pregnant, though that would be fantastic.  A girl can dream, right?  When telling me I needed to get the "Whooping Cough vaccine," I told her I didn't think it was necessary because I'm not going to get pregnant.  She made me get it anyway.  Ha!

She then discussed IVF with me again, and asked me if that was the path we were wanting to choose to have a family.  I explained to her that we were more of the adoption route, which she totally supported, but then she started talking about how I would have great chances with IVF because I am young and in good health.  Well, thanks, but that doesn't change the fact that it costs $15,000!  

Here's the IVF breakdown:

Total cost - $14,857

Insurance covers - $4,032

NOT covered - $10,825

Okay, so when you look at it that way, it doesn't look so bad.  I think that would be about $2,000 more than adoption.  But, insurance will only cover that while I am still under my dad's.  Once I turn 26, I have to get back on my own, and we don't know what would be covered at the time.  She definitely got me to thinking.  Of course I want to be pregnant.  I've always wanted to be pregnant!  I've always wanted to experience what it is like to have your child growing inside of you, and have that connection.  I've always wanted to feel my baby kick.  I've always wanted to go through labor and delivery.  Crazy?  Very.  

Sometimes I just have to be sad.  I have to allow myself to let go and cry.  Just get it all out.  Tuesday morning, "she" arrived.  On time.  Not late, not early.  To top it all off, I went to a baby shower later that night.  It's a cruel world.  I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it through the whole thing. All the women around me were talking about their kids, and there were 3 adorable babies there, too.  I'm grateful I went, but it might be a while before I do that again.  

I was talking to my doctor today about some emotions, and she said something that really stuck out to me.  She told me that I am right in the middle of my battle with infertility.  I have done everything I can do.  Everything that I could fix, I fixed.  Everything I could change, I changed.  I've done my part.  

I keep thinking I have started to accept everything.  Then I log on to my Facebook, and someone new is announcing they are pregnant.  Or they are announcing if their baby is a boy or girl.  Or they are posting maternity pictures.  Or they are complaining about aches, pains, nausea.  (I'm not judging.)  Or they are posting pictures of their brand new babe.  I then realize I don't think I will ever accept it. 

 It's unacceptable. 

Why Wait?

Making the decision to adopt is not one that comes lightly.  You don't just say, "Okay, well we've been trying for a little while with no luck.  Let's just adopt!" It doesn't work that way.    

There are a lot of prayers said.  All day.  Every day.  I feel like that's all I do now!  I will be driving to work in the morning, and say prayers out loud asking Heavenly Father if it is the right path for us.  I will say a silent prayer during my shower, asking for answers.  Kyhle and I pray together every night, and always pray for guidance in what we should do, and the path we should choose.  

I have always been interested in adoption, especially a child of a different race.  After my brother and his wife adopted their first baby, Gwen (who is now a beautiful 8 year old), I have always thought about that possibility.  I wonder now if that was Heavenly Father's way of telling me back then that adoption would be my way of having children.  I have great examples in my life of couples who have adopted, and I love seeing the way it has blessed not only their lives, but also the life of that innocent child.  

Yes, we have only been married and trying for a baby for 2 years.  Some people may think that we should wait another 2-3 years before we even think about adoption.  Why wait?  

I had a great chat with my sister-in-law, Jeri, the other night.  She called me one evening after I got off work, and left me the sweetest voice mail.  I love how some people call right when it's needed the most.  I called her back the next night, and we talked for a long time about adoption-- the process, the paperwork, the cost, etc.  When they lived in Southern California, she and my brother were representatives for Families Supporting Adoption, a group sponsored by LDS Services.  Plus, they adopted 3 of their 4 through LDS Services, as well.  She was full of so much helpful information!  I am so grateful to her for being so supportive, and willing to help.  

She explained to me that if we are serious about it, and know we want to adopt, to start the process right away.  She then told me that it takes a minimum of 6-8 months just to get approved, but it usually takes a year for most couples.  There are so many different interviews, background checks, fingerprints, paperwork, and home inspections.  She mentioned that you pay some of the money up front, to help pay for the home inspections and interviews, and then the rest you pay when you have been placed with a baby.  She helped me understand that it is a long, overwhelming process, and it takes so much patience and faith to get through everything.  After you have been approved, you could get a call any day.  As soon as your profile is up on the church website, the birth mothers have access to it, and can contact you right away.  You could be placed with a baby in a week, or you could still have to wait another 2-5 years.  

I don't want to try for another 2 years, then start the process, take a year to get approved, then have the possibility of not being placed with a baby for another 1-3 years.  I would say yes tomorrow! I have been waiting to be a mommy since I was baby-sitting at 12 years old.  There is nothing I want more in this world.  Yes, I want a big family.  But if I could be blessed with that one, special baby, I would be eternally grateful.  

I have already started driving myself crazy!  I have read every profiles of the couples/families trying to adopt that are in the 20-25 age range, and I have started reading some of the other couples.  How do you not compare yourself to them?  How do you tell yourself it's not a competition?  Heavenly Father is the one who makes those decisions.  He is the one who places that baby with you.  When it is the right birth mother and the right baby, you will know, and you will be blessed.

"Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstances.  He hears your prayers.  He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations.  And He knows what you can become through faith in Him."

- Jeffrey R. Holland

  

Pressure

I have had so many of you wonderful people give us the nicest compliments, and such awesome support.  For that, we are grateful.  For that, we love you!  

I have heard a few times recently that Kyhle and I have such good attitudes, and are staying so strong and positive throughout this difficult trial.  I don't think any couple can make it through without thinking positive and having strong faith, with a good attitude.  I think it would be impossible.  But, I definitely do not have a good attitude everyday.  I have my bad days.  My mood swings.  My "I feel sorry for myself" days.  I feel pressured.  Then I think of other people in my life who have experienced much more difficult trials, and I am humbled.  How grateful I am that I am only 23 years old and in good health.  How grateful I am that I have such a loving, faithful, and supportive husband that I love to spend time with.  

Kyhle has been right there by my side through all of our infertility heartache.  Obviously he wants a child more than anything in this world.  If it were up to him, we would have 9 kids and start our own baseball team!  (Sorry to disappoint, honey!)  But it has taken a different toll on me.  I feel guilty.  I feel like it's my fault we don't have a baby yet.  

For the last 18 months, I have been a faithful at "temping", taking ovulation tests, and recording every little detail each month.  I know it has been hard on Kyhle and definitely puts pressure on him.  I also know it has (sadly) kind of taken the "romance" away.  Since I hit my four month post-surgery mark, I have been feeling a little more stressed and losing a little more hope.  Definitely feeling much more pressured.  

As we were on our date last night, I told Kyhle I wanted to stop "trying."  Music to his ears!  I am going to stop taking my temperature every morning, stop taking ovulation tests, and stop recording every little detail.  How long will that last?  I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband and family.  I want to enjoy upcoming events, and an upcoming vacation.  I don't want to be stressed out about what cycle day I am on, and how much time we are going to have.  I want to take the pressure away.  

Yes, I am still going to be obsessed with babies.  I always have been.  Always will be.  I will still write on here all the time and let you know how we are doing, and what kind of mood I am in.  

As I reached onto my bedside table this morning to grab my thermometer, I stopped myself.  Was it hard to not take and record my temperature?  Absolutely.  Is it going to be a challenge for me to let go and stop wondering what else I can do differently?  Absolutely.  Is it going to take the pressure away?  Let's hope!  Is it going to bring the romance back to our lives?  That's for me to know and you to never find out! ;)