Fourteen

As I've said many times, I have the privilege of working in a private daycare, and have built great relationships with each of "my kids."  We now have 14 kids, ages 8 weeks to 4 years.  This job has been both challenging and rewarding.  I am grateful I get to spend my days as a "mom" for all of the children there.   That's what I am doing.  I am a fill-in-mom for the day.  I (along with my co-workers) make breakfast, lunch and dinner, change diapers, do story times, sing songs, break up fights and try to make peace.  I teach them, comfort them and nurture them.  I am mom for the day.  

I don't know if anyone is more prepared to be a mom than I am.  This job has completely prepared me for that.  I think I am a professional diaper changer and multi-tasker.  I have mastered the art of eating while bouncing a baby on my lap.  I am skilled at getting lunch ready for 10 kids, while trying to entertain two babies in the kitchen with me.  I am talented at opening drawers with my feet, while making a bottle and holding the baby in my arms.  I know what I'm doing.  I know each of their schedules, each of their habits, each of their personalities.  I know when they are sick, and how to take care of them.  I know what they are allergic to, and how to treat their asthma.  I know how they like to be held when being rocked to sleep.  I know them.  All 14 of them.  

Even though I am not able to have my own babies (right now) I am grateful for the opportunity to take care of other women's babies, and make sure they are safe, loved and given the attention they need.  I have so much respect for all of the moms of my kids, and know they would much rather be with their babies during the day instead of at work.  I am the lucky one, because I get to spend my day with all of these children, who help fill an emptiness in my heart.  Each of them make me feel not only needed, but wanted. 

 I love getting to spend my days with them, even if they are not all good days.  They aren't all good days when you are a stay-at-home mom, either.  But each day has something new, and there is always a blessing that comes from it.  Until I can stay at home with my own babies, I am grateful to be blessed with the privilege of staying with each of my work babies.  

Unacceptable

Challenging.  Rough.  Difficult.  Exhausting.  Crummy.  Depressing.  Frustrating.  Sad.  

Blah.  

On my first post, I explained that this was a blog for me.  It has my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions.  Well, this week, and especially today, I am feeling "blah."  I try to stay as positive as possible, and not let this all bring me down, but you can only put on a smile for so long.  My smile is fading...at least for this week. 

I had an appointment with my OBGYN this morning.  She's great, and I really like her.  But today, she wasn't so great, and I didn't really like her.  Why?  Because she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.  I don't know why I was expecting anything different.  She's not going to magically make me become pregnant, though that would be fantastic.  A girl can dream, right?  When telling me I needed to get the "Whooping Cough vaccine," I told her I didn't think it was necessary because I'm not going to get pregnant.  She made me get it anyway.  Ha!

She then discussed IVF with me again, and asked me if that was the path we were wanting to choose to have a family.  I explained to her that we were more of the adoption route, which she totally supported, but then she started talking about how I would have great chances with IVF because I am young and in good health.  Well, thanks, but that doesn't change the fact that it costs $15,000!  

Here's the IVF breakdown:

Total cost - $14,857

Insurance covers - $4,032

NOT covered - $10,825

Okay, so when you look at it that way, it doesn't look so bad.  I think that would be about $2,000 more than adoption.  But, insurance will only cover that while I am still under my dad's.  Once I turn 26, I have to get back on my own, and we don't know what would be covered at the time.  She definitely got me to thinking.  Of course I want to be pregnant.  I've always wanted to be pregnant!  I've always wanted to experience what it is like to have your child growing inside of you, and have that connection.  I've always wanted to feel my baby kick.  I've always wanted to go through labor and delivery.  Crazy?  Very.  

Sometimes I just have to be sad.  I have to allow myself to let go and cry.  Just get it all out.  Tuesday morning, "she" arrived.  On time.  Not late, not early.  To top it all off, I went to a baby shower later that night.  It's a cruel world.  I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it through the whole thing. All the women around me were talking about their kids, and there were 3 adorable babies there, too.  I'm grateful I went, but it might be a while before I do that again.  

I was talking to my doctor today about some emotions, and she said something that really stuck out to me.  She told me that I am right in the middle of my battle with infertility.  I have done everything I can do.  Everything that I could fix, I fixed.  Everything I could change, I changed.  I've done my part.  

I keep thinking I have started to accept everything.  Then I log on to my Facebook, and someone new is announcing they are pregnant.  Or they are announcing if their baby is a boy or girl.  Or they are posting maternity pictures.  Or they are complaining about aches, pains, nausea.  (I'm not judging.)  Or they are posting pictures of their brand new babe.  I then realize I don't think I will ever accept it. 

 It's unacceptable. 

Why Wait?

Making the decision to adopt is not one that comes lightly.  You don't just say, "Okay, well we've been trying for a little while with no luck.  Let's just adopt!" It doesn't work that way.    

There are a lot of prayers said.  All day.  Every day.  I feel like that's all I do now!  I will be driving to work in the morning, and say prayers out loud asking Heavenly Father if it is the right path for us.  I will say a silent prayer during my shower, asking for answers.  Kyhle and I pray together every night, and always pray for guidance in what we should do, and the path we should choose.  

I have always been interested in adoption, especially a child of a different race.  After my brother and his wife adopted their first baby, Gwen (who is now a beautiful 8 year old), I have always thought about that possibility.  I wonder now if that was Heavenly Father's way of telling me back then that adoption would be my way of having children.  I have great examples in my life of couples who have adopted, and I love seeing the way it has blessed not only their lives, but also the life of that innocent child.  

Yes, we have only been married and trying for a baby for 2 years.  Some people may think that we should wait another 2-3 years before we even think about adoption.  Why wait?  

I had a great chat with my sister-in-law, Jeri, the other night.  She called me one evening after I got off work, and left me the sweetest voice mail.  I love how some people call right when it's needed the most.  I called her back the next night, and we talked for a long time about adoption-- the process, the paperwork, the cost, etc.  When they lived in Southern California, she and my brother were representatives for Families Supporting Adoption, a group sponsored by LDS Services.  Plus, they adopted 3 of their 4 through LDS Services, as well.  She was full of so much helpful information!  I am so grateful to her for being so supportive, and willing to help.  

She explained to me that if we are serious about it, and know we want to adopt, to start the process right away.  She then told me that it takes a minimum of 6-8 months just to get approved, but it usually takes a year for most couples.  There are so many different interviews, background checks, fingerprints, paperwork, and home inspections.  She mentioned that you pay some of the money up front, to help pay for the home inspections and interviews, and then the rest you pay when you have been placed with a baby.  She helped me understand that it is a long, overwhelming process, and it takes so much patience and faith to get through everything.  After you have been approved, you could get a call any day.  As soon as your profile is up on the church website, the birth mothers have access to it, and can contact you right away.  You could be placed with a baby in a week, or you could still have to wait another 2-5 years.  

I don't want to try for another 2 years, then start the process, take a year to get approved, then have the possibility of not being placed with a baby for another 1-3 years.  I would say yes tomorrow! I have been waiting to be a mommy since I was baby-sitting at 12 years old.  There is nothing I want more in this world.  Yes, I want a big family.  But if I could be blessed with that one, special baby, I would be eternally grateful.  

I have already started driving myself crazy!  I have read every profiles of the couples/families trying to adopt that are in the 20-25 age range, and I have started reading some of the other couples.  How do you not compare yourself to them?  How do you tell yourself it's not a competition?  Heavenly Father is the one who makes those decisions.  He is the one who places that baby with you.  When it is the right birth mother and the right baby, you will know, and you will be blessed.

"Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstances.  He hears your prayers.  He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations.  And He knows what you can become through faith in Him."

- Jeffrey R. Holland

  

Pressure

I have had so many of you wonderful people give us the nicest compliments, and such awesome support.  For that, we are grateful.  For that, we love you!  

I have heard a few times recently that Kyhle and I have such good attitudes, and are staying so strong and positive throughout this difficult trial.  I don't think any couple can make it through without thinking positive and having strong faith, with a good attitude.  I think it would be impossible.  But, I definitely do not have a good attitude everyday.  I have my bad days.  My mood swings.  My "I feel sorry for myself" days.  I feel pressured.  Then I think of other people in my life who have experienced much more difficult trials, and I am humbled.  How grateful I am that I am only 23 years old and in good health.  How grateful I am that I have such a loving, faithful, and supportive husband that I love to spend time with.  

Kyhle has been right there by my side through all of our infertility heartache.  Obviously he wants a child more than anything in this world.  If it were up to him, we would have 9 kids and start our own baseball team!  (Sorry to disappoint, honey!)  But it has taken a different toll on me.  I feel guilty.  I feel like it's my fault we don't have a baby yet.  

For the last 18 months, I have been a faithful at "temping", taking ovulation tests, and recording every little detail each month.  I know it has been hard on Kyhle and definitely puts pressure on him.  I also know it has (sadly) kind of taken the "romance" away.  Since I hit my four month post-surgery mark, I have been feeling a little more stressed and losing a little more hope.  Definitely feeling much more pressured.  

As we were on our date last night, I told Kyhle I wanted to stop "trying."  Music to his ears!  I am going to stop taking my temperature every morning, stop taking ovulation tests, and stop recording every little detail.  How long will that last?  I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband and family.  I want to enjoy upcoming events, and an upcoming vacation.  I don't want to be stressed out about what cycle day I am on, and how much time we are going to have.  I want to take the pressure away.  

Yes, I am still going to be obsessed with babies.  I always have been.  Always will be.  I will still write on here all the time and let you know how we are doing, and what kind of mood I am in.  

As I reached onto my bedside table this morning to grab my thermometer, I stopped myself.  Was it hard to not take and record my temperature?  Absolutely.  Is it going to be a challenge for me to let go and stop wondering what else I can do differently?  Absolutely.  Is it going to take the pressure away?  Let's hope!  Is it going to bring the romance back to our lives?  That's for me to know and you to never find out! ;)

Time Table

The dreaded four month mark.  

It has arrived.  This is the point we were hoping and praying wouldn't come.  Granted, I am still 1 week away from the exact mark, but still.  Just sayin'.  

Here's a little recap...

After my surgery and discovering the endometriosis, my doctor was expecting we would successfully get pregnant within 2-4 months.  If we are not by the the four months, then we "most likely will not be able to conceive on our own."  

Yes, we are definitely going to keep trying, and do what we can to get pregnant, but we have decided to start planning and preparing for the adoption process.  

Adoption!  

We just really started this weekend, but Kyhle and I have been doing a lot of research and reading about the whole process.  The steps, the price, the challenges, the home inspections.  We are not going to be able to start the paperwork right away, but we are getting ready and doing the things needed to be able to get approved.  

Kyhle and I are excited about this blessing in our lives.  Last night, we were reading profiles of all of the couples in the 20-25 age range trying to adopt through LDS Family Services.  I really loved reading the success stories, and the stories of why they chose to adopt. We answered the questions to see if we would qualify, and were happy to see that indeed we do!  

As of right now, the plan is for Kyhle to take the LSAT over Christmas break.  Then he will start applying to law school as soon as he gets his scores.  Hopefully we will know by next summer where we are going to "end up."  We will then start the full process of applications and paperwork.  He will graduate from IUPUI in December of 2013.  We feel like it would be best to continue saving over the next 6-9 months, and then start the paperwork, the summer before he graduates and we head to grad school.  

My fear is that it could take 2-3 years to even be chosen by a birth mother.  That is why I really want to start the process now.  But I know it is the best decision to continue saving and working toward that goal.  Then if it does take 2-3 years, we will be more than ready for that sweet little baby.  Or, if it takes 1-2 months, it will be perfect!  

Who knows?  Maybe we will be pregnant in the next few months.  

Heavenly Father's time table is perfect.  

"God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has.  But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream.  In short, He can't if you don't believe."

 - Jeffrey R. Holland

Made For Me!

This could quite possibly be my new favorite movie.  It could become my "Runaway Bride."

"What To Expect When You're Expecting"

Kyhle and I saw it in theaters, and, of course, I immediately fell in love with it.  I checked online for when it would be released on Blu ray/DVD and I have literally been counting down ever since.  For the last week, I kept saying to Kyhle, "Three days!  Two days!  Tomorrow!"  As soon as I got off work yesterday, I went to Target and bought myself a treat. 

I enjoyed watching it tonight, probably more than I did in the theater.  I loved being curled up on my couch, underneath my soft blanket, able to cry as much, (and as loud) as I wanted. Kyhle came home from school halfway through the movie, so he finished it with me.  He walked back in to the room during one of the scenes, and I looked up at him with tears streaming down my face.   I feel like this movie was made just for me.  I love it! 

Enjoy this trailer! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdNxmNGJ364

Now if only I were expecting...

(I'm not.)

The Heart's Greatest Desire

Five days late. 

Then I wake up this morning, and what do ya know? There she is. 

I texted my mom and my sisters because they were all waiting to find out if I would be pregnant or if I was just really late.  

"I'm sorry about your period.  Another delay of your heart's greatest desire.  Hope is one thing there always is." -Mom

Of course I was crazy bummed this morning, and wanted nothing but to stay in bed all day and be sad.  But, off to work I went.  While driving to work, I had severe cramps, causing me to hold my stomach and take long, deep breaths.  I figured they would just go away in a couple of minutes, and it would just be a crummy first day with cramps, bloating, and mood swings.  Wrong!  My cramps and pains continued throughout the morning at work, but different than I've felt before.  They were also accompanied with horrible lower back pain, headaches, dizziness and nausea.  (TMI alert!!) Everything felt different to me this morning, and I had a feeling something was up.  

I ended up leaving work early, and calling my fertility doctor to talk to them about my symptoms.  The nurse had me come in to take a blood test, wondering if I was having a miscarriage.  

Miscarriage?  

So not only is it taking me 2 years to get pregnant, but when I do (or at least we think I did) get pregnant, my body won't carry it? I'm not liking the way this is going...

I went home after the doctor, changed in to my PJs, curled up on the couch, and just cried.  For a while.  I didn't really know what to think.  All I want is a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  

A few hours later, my nurse called with the test results...

Chemical Pregnancy

What the heck is a chemical pregnancy!? 

They say it is indeed conception, just a very early miscarriage, at 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, they don't do anything for a CP, and they are quite common.  She said most women don't even know they've had one, because they often happen before a positive pregnancy test, which was my case.  I was just able to find out that's what happened because I pay such close attention to my cycles and symptoms.  

I am grateful I didn't have a positive pregnancy test, because it would have given me time to get my hopes up and be so excited.  But, it's still hard.  Still a bummer.  Still sad.  Still frustrating.  Still a failed pregnancy.  

I have taken the day off tomorrow to take it easy, get some rest, and have time to myself. I'm grateful for all the love you all have shown us through phone calls, emails, texts, Facebook, etc.  It means the world to both Kyhle and myself.  We'll be okay.  It'll take time to not be sad anymore, but we'll be okay.  I definitely love my husband.  

Keep trying! ;)