The Heart's Greatest Desire

Five days late. 

Then I wake up this morning, and what do ya know? There she is. 

I texted my mom and my sisters because they were all waiting to find out if I would be pregnant or if I was just really late.  

"I'm sorry about your period.  Another delay of your heart's greatest desire.  Hope is one thing there always is." -Mom

Of course I was crazy bummed this morning, and wanted nothing but to stay in bed all day and be sad.  But, off to work I went.  While driving to work, I had severe cramps, causing me to hold my stomach and take long, deep breaths.  I figured they would just go away in a couple of minutes, and it would just be a crummy first day with cramps, bloating, and mood swings.  Wrong!  My cramps and pains continued throughout the morning at work, but different than I've felt before.  They were also accompanied with horrible lower back pain, headaches, dizziness and nausea.  (TMI alert!!) Everything felt different to me this morning, and I had a feeling something was up.  

I ended up leaving work early, and calling my fertility doctor to talk to them about my symptoms.  The nurse had me come in to take a blood test, wondering if I was having a miscarriage.  

Miscarriage?  

So not only is it taking me 2 years to get pregnant, but when I do (or at least we think I did) get pregnant, my body won't carry it? I'm not liking the way this is going...

I went home after the doctor, changed in to my PJs, curled up on the couch, and just cried.  For a while.  I didn't really know what to think.  All I want is a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  

A few hours later, my nurse called with the test results...

Chemical Pregnancy

What the heck is a chemical pregnancy!? 

They say it is indeed conception, just a very early miscarriage, at 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, they don't do anything for a CP, and they are quite common.  She said most women don't even know they've had one, because they often happen before a positive pregnancy test, which was my case.  I was just able to find out that's what happened because I pay such close attention to my cycles and symptoms.  

I am grateful I didn't have a positive pregnancy test, because it would have given me time to get my hopes up and be so excited.  But, it's still hard.  Still a bummer.  Still sad.  Still frustrating.  Still a failed pregnancy.  

I have taken the day off tomorrow to take it easy, get some rest, and have time to myself. I'm grateful for all the love you all have shown us through phone calls, emails, texts, Facebook, etc.  It means the world to both Kyhle and myself.  We'll be okay.  It'll take time to not be sad anymore, but we'll be okay.  I definitely love my husband.  

Keep trying! ;)

Someone

It seems as though everyone is pregnant these days.  

Yes, everyone. 

Or is it just that I notice it so much more now that I want it so badly?  

Nope.

Everyone is pregnant.  

As I am typing this, a family member is in the hospital ready to have her sweet baby boy.  Right now! 

I told you...

Everyone.

Here's the thing though-- I'm so incredibly happy for each one of you lucky ladies.  Sincerely!  What a fun, exciting, challenging time in your lives.  I am jealous of you, but I am grateful each of you get your cuddle bugs.  How awesome! 

I want to hear all about your journey through pregnancy, your funny stories, your worries, your fears.  I want to hear all about it.  You obviously have each taken time out of your busy lives to read about our journey, so I would love to hear about yours.  Please don't leave me out just because you are worried I can't hear about it.  But, please be sensitive, as well.  Not everyone knows your story, and when they do, most of them can't really relate.  But that doesn't mean we can't be there for one another.  It doesn't mean we can't support each other, and just give a listening ear.  

A friend of mine just found out she and her boyfriend are expecting their first child together. They have been together for years, just have never gotten married.  She wasn't sure she ever wanted kids and she is crazy scared and still feeling un-easy about all of this, as she was really wanting to be married before they started a family.  She was putting off taking a pregnancy test because she didn't want to find out.  She broke down to me one day about all of this, and kept telling me it wasn't a happy time, it wasn't joyous.  

Yes, it was difficult for me to listen to her and be there for her.  But I did it.  Later that night, she sent me a text saying she got her positive test and told her boyfriend.  He was more excited about it than she was (at that point), but she was still in shock.  She then thanked me for being there for her and letting her vent.  

Sometimes that's just what we need.  

Someone to listen.  Someone to be sensitive to our feelings.  Someone to support us.  Someone to encourage us.  Someone to tell us, "It'll all be okay."

You Know!

I sure have been slackin' since my last post.  Obviously not much news on the baby front.  I still feel the same.  

Anxious to get that positive pregnancy test.  Anxious to announce to all of my family and friends that we are having a baby.  Anxious to to have morning sickness (actually, looking forward to it!).  Anxious to pee all the time.  Anxious to get fat, and have an excuse!  

Anxious.  

Tonight I received a text from my sister, Laura...

Laura: "Hope you guys have enjoyed your Anniversary!  Did you find out one way or the other yet?"  

 Me: "Find out what?"

Laura: "You know!" 

Me:  "Don't worry.  I'll keep you posted!" 

I guess she's anxious, too! :)

Happy 2nd Anniversary to my sweetheart.  I love you, Kyhle!  Someday, you will make the best daddy any kid could ask for!  

I promise!  

Enjoy!

I feel like I have been slackin' on my writing!  I think I feel like you all are now just waiting to find out when we will have "big news," and I just don't really have much to say right now.  

Except no big news.  As of this morning, a week early...

Depressing. 

I have totally been down-in-the-dumps today.  Kind of like, "Alright, that's one month down...now what?"  Keep trying!  That's what!  (And have fun during the process! :)) Today has also been rough because my cramps are back.  I didn't have them at all last month, so having them today is frustrating.  But, thankfully, they aren't what they used to be, so that's good.  

I had a nice long phone call with my brother about a week ago.  As I have said previously, he and his wife have 4 amazing children, all through the blessing of adoption.  Something he told me in that chat was that my sister-in-law, Jeri, says that while they were going through the whole process, she wishes she wouldn't have just focused on babies, babies, babies all the time.  She wishes she would have just kind of "accepted" the fact that they weren't getting pregnant right away, and enjoy their marriage more.  I can definitely see what she is saying, and completely agree.  Except that is much easier said than done.  I have really been trying lately to not just focus on it all the time, and really enjoy my Kyhle.  Plus, my job has been pretty stressful the last few weeks, so I'm okay that it didn't happen this month.  

But definitely hoping it's not too far away.

Looking back (almost) 2 years, yes, I think we were crazy for trying so soon to have a baby.  But with our second anniversary coming up, I am so grateful for the fabulous 2 years we have had together.  We have been so blessed to be able to do some travelling, exploring, and just enjoy dating each other.  That is so important in a marriage.  Especially those first couple of years.  

That's my goal. For the next few months, I am going to enjoy my husband.  Enjoy our time.  Enjoy our families. Enjoy the beautiful weather.  Enjoy our pups.  Enjoy our friendships.  Enjoy my marriage.  Enjoy upcoming celebrations.  

Enjoy life! 

High Hopes

Well I haven't updated you faithful readers in a while -- here it goes! 

We had my final post-op appointment last week with Dr. Carnovale.  The super cool part was watching the DVD of my surgery and seeing what my endometriosis actually looked like and exactly where it was at.  He kept saying, "This is your right ovary, this is your left ovary..."  "These are your fallopian tubes.."  Some areas of endometriosis were worse than others, as some of it was older, and some of it was just starting out.  He also told us that I had a cyst on one of my fallopian tubes, and they were able to get rid of that, as well. 

Good News!!

Dr. Carnovale told us that they were able to laser all of my endometriosis, and because of my young age and overall good health, he feels really good about our chances of getting pregnant within the 3-4 months.  He also said if we aren't pregnant by month 4, we probably won't be able to on our own.  Of course, that doesn't mean we will for sure never get pregnant, but the chances go way down after month 4.  But, he kept saying how good he felt about our situation, and he doesn't think we should have any problems.  If we aren't able to, then it is a fertilization issue, and that's when you have to do IVF.  

Obviously I felt so much better after that appointment, and much more relief.  But on the other hand, it is so incredibly hard to not get my hopes up.  I keep saying I'm hopeful, but not getting my hopes up.  Easier said than done.  It has also made everything much more real.  Kyhle and I made a new monthly budget a couple days after that appointment to start doing some better planning.  Yes, we have been trying for the past 21 months, but for some reason, the reality set in that this could actually happen and we better be ready!  

Like I've said many times, we go to Buy Buy Baby a lot (I love my husband!) and every time we go to Target or any other store that has a "baby section" I now not only look at what's cute, but also at the prices of everything!  I've been looking around online and comparing products and prices, and trying to plan what we would get if our dream does in fact come true.  We've also made a more serious list of possible baby names to really think about, which I've been doing since I was like 6 years old!

And I say I don't have my hopes up...

Stubborn

As Kyhle and I were starting a movie on Tuesday, we got a knock on our door at 8:30.  Kyhle opened it, and in walks my sister Laura cheerfully saying, "I'm here to clean!"  She brought a bag full of her own cleaning supplies and got right to work cleaning our bathroom and our kitchen.  She told me she had to surprise me or else I would have just kept telling her I was fine and didn't need her help. Ha!  I must have been wrong because she was here for 2 hours scrubbing away.  Each time I would get up to try to help her at all, she would say, "Sit down!  I need to have something to do!" To top that off, she brought us a yummy dinner on Wednesday night.  We were also delivered two delicious meals from my awesome Visiting Teachers, Carrie and Heather.  I know it is out of their way to come all the way down just to drop some food off, but we really do appreciate it! 

I am so grateful for such loving friends and family who have been there for us in so many different ways.  Whether it's through service, prayers, kind thoughts and messages, it means the world to us.  

Surgery was a success!  As most of you know, they did find Endometriosis, and they it's stage one, which is obviously the stage you'd want to have.  The doc said he was able to burn all of the scar tissue and clear everything out.  You'd think that would mean we could just go ahead and get pregnant now, but unfortunately it's not that easy.  Between the next 3-6 months, we have a 20-30% chance of conceiving.  After that, they recommend other options, such as IVF.  Kyhle and I will plan on giving it a year to continue on our own, and will go from there after that.  

My recovery has been rocky.  I was able to stay at my parent's house Thursday-Sunday and be well taken care of.  Monday was my first day alone at home, and it was fine.  I had my first post-op apt on Monday afternoon, and the nurse could tell I had already been doing too much since being on my own.  Yes, I had done 4 loads of laundry and cleaned the entire apartment.  Probably not a good idea.  I took it easy on Tuesday since Kyhle had the day off, and so I figured I felt good enough to return to work Wednesday, despite the doctor's advice. (The doc wanted me to wait 'til Friday, but said they'd give me a note if I really wanted to return sooner.)  I went to work for 6 hours on Wednesday, then asked my boss if I could go home because my incisions weren't feeling too good.  I ended up staying home today, and am hoping I can return tomorrow.  We'll see.  

Why do I have to find it so hard to just listen to the doctor.  I tell myself, "Oh, I'm just picking up one baby really fast.  I'm not picking up the 40 lb kid.  What can it hurt?"  A lot, actually.  That's why the doc tells me not to.  Well,  I got scolded by both my husband and my father.  I guess I shouldn't be so stubborn.  

Good Things to Come

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” 

- Jeffrey R. Holland

A few weeks ago in Relief Society, a friend of mine gave a beautiful lesson about trials and tribulations, and how to overcome them.  I felt like her lesson was meant just for me.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  Also during this lesson, I was holding a sweet little boy, 10 month old Marshall.  As I was swaying back and forth listening to Jeni's lesson, Marshall fell asleep on my lap and I just couldn't help but hold tight to him. 

A few days ago before my surgery, Jeni, the same friend who taught the Relief Society lesson, sent me a very thoughtful email.  She knew I was feeling nervous and scared about my surgery, and all of the unknown that came with it.  She attached a few different links in the email of video clips, songs, and talks from Conferences.   Again, it was exactly what I needed to watch/listen to/read.  

Thank you, dear Jeni, for being such a wonderful example and light in my life.  You are sincerely loved and greatly appreciated by many.